I messed up today [trigger]

Trigger warning.

Sorry I'm trying really bad not to swear and to be nice today but I need to get this out before I punch a wall.








I messed up today, way to go, stupid &^%$ing me. I was supposed to go see a doctor for my eye. Sitting in the waiting room with Kate, I hate doctors, I hate hospitals, I hate clinics, waiting rooms, but I know I have to. I'm trying to stay calm so the medical things won't trigger me. Continue reading my book, don't want to look up.

Two guys were talking loud - I wasn't eavesdropping but anyone could hear. Talking about if torture should be legal or not. One guy says yeah, how bad could it be? I clench my teeth, keep reading. Guy keeps talking. He says water boarding (people who know me well know how I feel about that) isn't torture. Alright, I keep reading, everyone has opinions.

Then he says branding isn't torture. Does he have ANY &*!@IGN IDEA how it FEELS to have the bloody hot iron burn into your %$#&ing skin? I have a &^*(ing cross branded into my back and some &^*(ing cattle logo like a branded cow for my god %#@&#! dad to own. I'm rolling my fists, I'm trying to ignore it, but these two guys are being real &^%*ing loud. Kate sees I'm getting mad and she tells me to put my iPod on and listen to that.

I'm getting my iPod out but this guy is not shutting up. He starts talking about burning people in the context of trying to get information or some ^%$! like that. How would he &^(@ing like to be drenched in gasoline, gagged and bound, and actually hoping that a fire will come quick because the agony of waiting to be set into flames is too &^)#ing much. Does he know what it bloody god %#@&#! fragging feels like to have a collar and a leash and be dragged around like you're some kind of *&^%ing slave or a &^!@ing dog.

I lost it. I couldn't do it - I try so hard never to get mad and never to snap because I'm not allowed to be angry. I lose it. The guy was obviously anglo and I don't think he understood a word of my loud french curse words and I completely freaked out. I could have torn that man's throat out. His friend looked terrified and Kate hauled my chair back.

Security got there and Kate canceled me seeing the doctor because I was losing it so she took me home. Missed my ^&$)ing doctor's appointment because of some %^&* head (although my %#@&#! fault).

So BLOODY ANGRY. Ostie de tabarnak de calîce I'm not allowed to be angry but &^$*&^%*(^^!. Now it's all here, all again, read a bit of a book and been trying to be nice and calm and good but just let me write this then I'll go curl up and shut up.

Yes you are allowed to angry Griffe. That was terrible, and ignorant things for that man to say.

I wasn't even there, and I haven't lived your life, and I'm annoyed, so you can certainly be angry.

(((((((((((((((((Griffe)))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((Griffe))))))))))))))))))))))))

To be honest i prolly would have said something ..... you know me you are entitled to be angry and triggered ...

dont feel so bad ... bet they wont talk about stuff like that again in a hurry ..... I'm just sad you missed your eye appointment ....

sending you some love .... Jin xoxoxoxoxoxo

That certainly sucks...no doubt about it.

Here's a suggestion for you and Kate the next time you are in an office waiting to see a doctor (or anyone). If someone starts discussing issues that make you feel bad, angry, sad, whatever.....and you are having difficulties blocking it out, please...go to the reception desk and tell them you are uncomfortable sitting there hearing the talk and is there somewhere else you can wait to see the doctor. 9 times out of 10, the office staff will do what they can to help you feel comfortable and take you out of the situation. Easy enough done and problem solved!

Hope you called to reschedule!


sabby

<font color="purple">I don't blame you for getting angry, you had every right to. (I have never even been tortured or burned or anything, but I'm mad at the guy) but I agree with Sabby about the next time around asking to sit somewhere's else. </font>

Thanks ((( Red, Jinny, Sabby ))).

(edited for this ((( Kaika ))) too, I replied then saw your post.

I really have problems (IRL more) complaining and causing any kind of fuss, was taught that complaining is bad and never to whine, just toughen up and stay where I am. Yeh stupid but I there's just some things I can't or have a lot of trouble doing and honestly I can't see myself asking to wait somewhere else. I should have probably turned my iPod up but thanks for the suggestion.

Just still so grr and pissed and angry, not supposed to be angry but for ^%*('s sake I could bang my head into my desk and punch a %#@&amp;#! wall right now. I swear I could go back and bash that guy up and I know I'm over-reacting but just &amp;^!! it right now.

Got no one to talk to because if I talk to Kate I'll probably end up being all annoying and loud and I have a "can never be the person to open a convo, PM someone first or call someone first" rule into me so I'm stuck wanting to beat the %$!* out of everything.

Not supposed to be mad but (*&amp;^($(%$)^*&amp;$%#$! I can't get it OUT!

((((((((Griffe))))))))

It would not have been complaining or whining, or causing a fuss. Maybe Kate could ask for you if something similar ever happens again? Ipods only go so far at blocking out noise.

It is perfectly ok to be mad, I promise you.

pfff vince they are so &%^^%& ignorant!
stupid dumb people sometimes...
i have a couple of small burns on my back so i know that it fricking hurts
and yes maybe kate could help deal with such situations next time
((((((((vince)))))))) at least u got some anger out thats good

I can understand the way you felt in that situation, however you could have asked to be seated somewhere else.
As a military person I know what torture is and what isn't. There is a difference between humiliation and real torture.
I have been tied up and burned with a hot knife, had objects inserted into me, beaten and bruised and spit on and left lying in urine after being urinated on.

You have suffered things too and for that I am sorry. The hardest thing to do is to listen to someone else's opinion that you disagree with and not become violent. I truely believe that actions speak louder than words and that in the USA, at least for now, we value freedom of speech and detest censorship. Opinions vary from place to place and for person to person but, unless that person is making direct threats agains someone, they have the right to freely express theirs, we don't have the right to not be offended. Taking yourself out of that situation before it escaleted would have been better, but at least you didn't get yourself in any altercation which could have gone badly.

I know if it had been me in that room I would have left, so I agree with your decision to leave.

Have a great day,

I should have just moved on my own instead of listening to them, but I swear, I wanted to punch those guys so bad. I guess because I don't allow myself to be angry so often, because I say I shouldn't, in a way, it almost felt good to be angry. Felt good to be angry, but not good to have to see it all again, feel it all again. The good anger feeling passed very quickly, because I then reminded myself that about anger being bad.

I guess I don't explode with anger like I used to so I kind of surprised myself with being angry... more used to being upset or sad or scared. I guess I just don't like to see other people pretending they could understand the pain behind something when they obviously don't - but not in my place to get mad.

Thanks everyone. Rough day today but when isn't it a rough day?

Griffe,

I'm so so so so sorry those evil beasts hurt you in the docs. office. I wouldn't be surprised if they were actually "into" those kinds of S & M things and were getting their "jollies" off of talking about that.

I know they did torture when I was small, pushing my head under water and many other things. They screwed my little girls mind up completely. It took me so many years to begin to not be afraid all the time.

I hate that they upset you and messed up your appointment time. Next time when you go back it should go much better. Hang in there,,, friend - it will NOT always be this hard.

Respectfully,

Leslieann and the pixies