... (trigger)

Repeating over and over in my head, little brother dies, mum dies, dad dies and it's all my damn fault

All my fault, always my fault, stupid stupid bad me

He hurt me so much, I was only born so that he could use me, like some kind of dog to train to be used, sick sick, but it's still somehow my fault and I feel so awful for his death

Try to pretend I'm okay... me? Okay? I'm never okay. Spent the morning lying in bed, couldn't sleep, alone in the house... I need a drink and some pills.

Talking to myself, pretending all over again, keep pretending, maybe then it'll go away. It was worse this morning. Pretending through gritted teeth and hiding my face to pretend I'm fine.

It all hurts too bad. Stupid damn bloody eye, cuts sting, inside pain always the worst. If my dad could see me now he'd laugh seeing what a failure I am.

Write this out, but it doesn't really matter in the end, in a few seconds I'll go back to being completely alone and too stupid scared to ask for help, go back to pretending I'm okay. Go back to kidding myself that I'm going to be okay, that I don't want to do something that people would think is really stupid but seems like the answer to me. Back to pretending.

I won't even pretend to know all what you've gone through, but I know it's horrible. Something no one, no one at all should ever have to go through. It may seem like you were born for him to hurt, but you have a greater purpose. You were hurt so incredibly bad and still you persist. What an impression you leave on everyone--so so kind, so caring, give some of that back to yourself. Maybe your purpose in life is to show others how to deal with pain through your dealing, maybe your purpose is to bring joy to your now-family, maybe your purpose has yet to be revealed, but your purpose is not so you could be hurt. Whatever may have happened in your life, dear man, please do not think you are bad or stupid or a failure. Just by being alive, you have proven that statement wrong. Be gentle on yourself.

Cantstopcrying - I couldn't have said it better.

(((((((((((((((((((Griffe))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you both. Slipping back down tonight and no one to call or anything Appreciate it.

Griffe, why do you have to pretend that you are okay? You have been hurt. Who would be okay after they are hurt? It isn't bad to not be okay. Not being okay just is.....

It just feels like I should have gotten used to it. I have to pretend I'm okay because I should be okay because I feel like it's my fault. I shouldn't not be okay. I shouldn't complain or whine, I should just toughen up.

The guilt just kills me. I feel so guilty for everyone. The images haunt me. Last night I ended up slashing my arm because I couldn't get them out of my head and I was alone again. I can't do this. I can't live like this.

Thank you for replying and caring.

Griffe, no one can get used to that. You are fighting yourself. Inside you know that you are hurt but you won't let yourself feel like you need to feel. You are fighting your feelings so much. This is exhausting. You as that little 4 year old was at fault for what your father chose to do? What control did you have as a 4 yr old? Your father had all the power. Why won't you place the blame where it belongs? Why are you carrying all the burden for your father? Griffe, it isn't your's to carry....