[MacD]

I read somewhere during my exhaustive research into spousal abuse that the abused is in a unique and isolated position. They, and they alone, know that the danger is real. My estranged is attractive, charming, and is doing everything in his power to convince me that I need to reconsider. Romantic Dramatic Public Displays....showy flowers...all the "right" words. In a few short months, he's managed to convince many in my small hometown that he is a "misunderstood prince of a man" who deserves a second chance. Even my new co workers see the delivered flowers and make comments...He must really love you.....It must be nice to be pursued....When are you going to take him back? I'm so scared. He does have the capacity to be charming....he is physically attractive...but none of these people were around when he had me pinned to the floor calling me a worthless b---tch. I'm beginning to think that I'm crazy. His pursuit is relentless....the lure of the dramatic romantic is what blinded me to the problem in the first place. I was so young. Now....I feel that I'm the only one who really knows how dangerous he is. What do I do? How do I fight this? I'm so tired.

[colors]

This sounds like my ex. Everyone thinking he was so great (and in a lot of ways he was). However, under stress he was a beast. Taking it out on me. When he felt threatened by other people he took it out on me. This could even be a waiter at a restaurant who handed me something. Things got so bad that a waiter could not hand anything directly to me.
It had to come thru him first.

Lots of flowers here too, and lets face it they are wonderful to recieve.

After awhile, his temper tantrums would depress me to a state that I could not leave the bedroom, or bathroom all day. Just wanted to sit in the bathroom. I had to slip checks for the maids under the door. Making me look like what? Like something was wrong with me?

I was tense all the time, and tired. Mentally it took days and even weeks to recover my own thoughts again. Being tired is a real sign that he is beating you down mentally.

The abuser wants to keep you down. Pinning you to the floor is just an act of control. The abuser has to have control! If he did not control you, you may leave him. (Their thinking). The abuser has so little self esteem, yet when you try to build it up, they are way too big for life.

Flowers - the "honeymoon period" they go thru after an abuse, that caused you to distance yourself for your own state of mind. They are so sweet, romantic, giving, and yes Mr. Wonderful to everyone around you.

The cycle of abuse is exhausting mentally. It is a real cycle. After the honeymoon period, they relax and things are ok again, but then the abuse strikes again. The cycle repeats itself, over and over.

Could get marriage counseling. This may work for both of you. The most important thing is the abuse has to stop (if he is capable of it).

I am sorry that you are going thru this. It is hard. All I am saying here is that abusers are all the same. They have symptoms, and they are the same from person to person. This is why a therapist may help (while still keeping the abuser seperated from you). Then if things don't work, take the next step to keep yourself away from him. If he is really dangerous get an order of protection started immediately.

There is a tool that is called an abuse wheel. On this wheel it will show the symptoms of the abuser. You may find that he has all the signs, or only some. The wheel can be gotten from Womens abuse shelters, or maybe there is one here even (have not looked). Another source may be to google it, but it is well worth having.

Start talking to people about what he has done. If you dont they will think it is you and not him. It may seem humilating to talk about it out loud, but this is another step for help.

Anyway, I wish you the best in all this. Please keep posting, so others can relate and help give you the support you are really needing to go through this.

Sincerely and Best Wishes,

Colors

[itsjustme111]

Many abusers are like this. They are able to convince anyone that they are perfect and can do no wrong. They tend to be charming, too charming!!

Many people that I hid the abuse from that my kids and I endured were shocked when the truth finally came out. Others wondered why my kids cowered at sudden movements or when I jumped at the sound of his voice. But oh, he is so wonderful, so charming......how lucky we were to have him. PUKE!! sorry but all so true.

I had others convinced that I was so clumpsy, the bruises that I could not hide were my fault. And gee, not sure why my kids act the way they do. But my doctor, what a wonderful man, knew exactally what was going on. He finally called me on it oneday. I tried to look at him and lie. But I broke down into tears. I took off my sunglasses that I was wearing in the fall for the black eye to come "shinning" through. I admitted that I could no longer take it. I was immediately admitted into the hospital as I had also admitted to taking large amounts of tylenol daily in hopes that my liver would shut down.

Others can only fool people for so long. Eventually the truth comes out. It could be an explosive display from the abuser who just can't contain themselves in front of someone, or it is the victim who has had enough. When my ex started to explode in front of others, not caring who saw his violent nature--I knew then that if we did not leave, he would kill us.

McDonald, I know how hard this is but nobody deserves this harmful behavior from anyone. This is not romance, this is control. He wants control. Please get out before you can't anymore. Let yourself begin the process of healing and someday, there is someone out there for you who will love you and respect you the way a partner should. Please keep talking, many here can relate and try to help you through this.

Be safe and keep us informed. I am worried for you my dear.

Lots of love,

Justy