[itsjustme111]

I was not sure where to post this one. And I just replied to my own post like all of three minutes ago. So the laundry will have to wait a few more minutes.

This "experience" today at the dentist has really affected me. And I know it shouldn't. But yet it brought up so much for me. I am not just thinking about his words but the message behind it. It brought back other junk and I can't believe how I feel with all of it.

AAARRRGGGGG!!!! I had got by the little "safety" issue that I was struggling with, but it has been on my mind all day. A simple experience such as this hit me in so many different ways. I feel like such a boob (sry, first word that came to mind). What I mean is why let one person like this affect me this way? But in all honesty, its not just what he did today. All of the other stuff is racing, and I don't feel worthy of much. I keep trying to battle myself with: should I even go to my doctors tomorrow? Whats the point in taking away his time? Then I want to slap myself for thinking this way. And I am fighting it........but %#@&#!, I am so flipping tired of fighting. I want to fall asleep, and not wake up.

I mean these are just thoughts, not that I am going to act on any of them. But it sucks to feel this way and I am angry. Anger is so powerful and lately I feel this all of the time. I have heard the expression, "Well its okay to be angry, its what you do with it." Okay, fine and dandy. But teach me, don't just preach this. I don't know what to do with it either than harm myself. Which I did as I took a swhacky amount of laxatives. And what did that solve? Nothing......just caused more harm to my body. So today I have eaten a pudding, drank two cups of tea, about 100ml of water; and drank a ton of liquid poison with pills to go along.

Gee, how smart is that? But this is how I react to anger, emotions, sadness, memories, hurt. But in the end I am doing what these people have done and continue to do. I don't grasp this concept at all. So I just keep failing. So why bother my doctor with it anymore? He wants me to come in to set up more intense treatment: but what do I do; "litterally flush his efforts down the toliet." I have a lot of words to describe myself, just would come out in censored stuff. And still I feel this undescribable anger; towards myself. But what do I do with it: I just sit here and cry. Cause it hurts so much to remember, hurts to live. So what's the point then?

Justy

[itsjustme111]

Sorry for this dumb post. Sheet happens.....

Justy

[silver_queen]

Awww Justy, I am so sorry. I dont know what to say, but I am sorry you are going through this. Don't feel bad about going to your dr, you know he is not like the dentist, your dr does care about you and he must understand that it is difficult for you. From what you have said, he is a great dr and I am glad you have him. It isn't a dumb post at all. It's no wonder that how your dentist treated you triggered you, since he acted most unprofessionally. I hope you find some relief from seeing your dr tomorrow.

[Merlin]

Hey,

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time, but please be kinder to yourself. Beating yourself up wont help, so just say "tomorrow is another day", another day to treat yourself better, or not, but whatever ever you do it's okay and you're okay.

Here's hoping you work your way out of this mess.

Laura

[obsids]

*hugs*

Obsidian

[itsjustme111]

Well I did not kill myself cause I am right here. Ya, I messed up with the laxatives. And I have been trying to compensate for it by drinking as much as possible. Anytime I "run" to the washroom, I drink as much as I can. Which I think has been a great deal.

I was not trying to kill myself just like any other SI struggles. Punishing myself: yes, but for what is the mystery. And I have run out of laxatives and refuse to buy any more. Its too easy to take them, so I just won't have them to access so easily. But not that it will make a difference at this point. I am being forced into the hospital. Just not sure when.

Justy

[gloria]

hugs to you.

[itsjustme111]

Still here; lolol. My doctor did not phone me but did talk to my t.

I think he has had enough, so I got what I wanted. I pushed him away, and I hate myself for it.

Justy