Ok, here goes. Some of you already know this but since it'll be a while before we get to it in therapy I'm gonna say it here. I could go into great detail, but I feel it might be inappropriate. When I was 5 years old my sister and I stayed with a babysitter during the day and on Saturday's. The sitter had a very nice pool in her back yard. Summertime, one Saturday, I woke up from my nap late and heard the other kids outside playing and swimming. I thought that it would be fun to go swimming. Always prepared mother that I have, my swimming suit happened to be in my backpack. So I go into the bathroom to change and join the other kids for a fun afternoon. ADHD that I am, I was so excited about swimming that I forgot to lock the bathroom door while I was changing. Her husband walked in. I was embarrassed needless to say. I thought that he was going to turn and leave... that he'd come back to use the bathroom after I had finished changing. Instead, he walked in and shut the door. Skipping all the details, I was raped... at 5 years old... by another man. As he was finishing his oldest son happened to come in. The father told the son that it was his turn. I'm positive that this man did the same thing to his oldest son and I often wonder if he didn't do it to the younger son as well. I was held down (as if there was a need for that since I had become nothing more than a living corpse). The son climbs on. When they are done with me, they leave the bathroom... with me on the floor bleeding. 5 years old and left to clean up the mess. All the while I was told that if I ever said anything of this I would be killed and that I deserved this. I remember feeling as if I were not in my body... like I was watching from somewhere else seeing something I didn't want to see. I remember hearing the other children playing just outside and thinking that I just wanted to be out there. Well, that's my story. It happened more than once I'm sure, but I just can't remember. Thanks for reading.

Ryan

Thank you for telling us Ryan. I know that it isn't easy to talk about.

You are in the company of many who understand and can offer support w/o judgment.

I am horrified that happened to you once, let alone more than that. And sadly you're not the first male survivor. You are in company of other there as well.

safe hugs if that is okay -----> (((rem)))

Please take extra care of yourself after letting us know. That was a big step.

[SweetCrusader]

I have a very close friend who is also a male survivor of sexual abuse by other males

Ryan, this is so sad. My heart goes out to you so much tonight that I can't even come up with the words.

I commend you for your courage and openness in sharing your story here with us. I hope it helps you to break the silence.

Angela

[SweetSunshine]

First of all Ryan , Safe hugs if you want them(((((((RYAN))))))).
I admire you for telling your story. I know how hard it is hon. Believe me. Some of the same was done to me too. So I know your pain and sadness. And I know how hard it is to feel these things allover again. But by doing that you are going to get to take control over how you deal with it. They will no longer have that control over you. I need to remember that as well. But the whole regression thing is how I am able to deal with it all I guess. I still am not understanding alot of what is going on there. But having all of you here for support and your caring helps so much. Know that you can hang onto us here when you need to . And I am only a phone call away too. I'll be keeping you in my heart and thoughts. Take care ~

Hugz~
Bethy

[SpazKatt]

*hun* all my thoughts and prayers are with you, such innocence stolen this makes me very angry and sad *HUUGS*

[nothemama8]

We are here when ever you need us, a couple of days ago I posted that I was afraid ppl here would hate me because I was remembering what was done to me and ya know what , they still love me and we will love you
Angie

[h0kie]

((((((ryan))))))

You were very brave to share. Sadly...bad things happen to good people (seems to be the norm for some people here). I'm sorry for what happened to you.

You're in my thoughts.

[January]

Dearest Ry,

I know making this post cost you dearly. It took determination and herculean courage.

I wish so much I could have been there to protect that dear, innocent little boy. My heart breaks for what you have endured.

You are on your path to healing now and I am so very proud of you.

I will always be here for you.

Love,

Jan

ryan........if i could hold you and take away the pain.....i would

[phoenix30]

If you want them, safe hugs (((ryan))). I'm so, so sorry this happened to you. It's awful that we live in such a cruel world, you've taken such a huge step just telling us here, I wish you well.

I was 5 years old too, the first time. Some days I feel as if I died right there and then, aged 5, and this shell that exists, is just that - a shell of someone who could've been, a possibility, a ghost... There are so many gaps in my memory, so many stories that don't seem have an ending, they just fade away to nothing.

You are in my thoughts, you are in my tears, I hope all goes well for you in T, when that time comes.

There are no meaningful words I can say to you and I truly wish there was. x

[wisewoman]

I AM VERY SORRY AND SAD THAT THIS HAPPENED.

[Kathyanita]

my friend told me about his mother pimping him out as a child. It sure does happen to boys- I'm furious with "adults" on your behalf and for other kids. I could just scream!but I lost my voice too.
((( rem )))

[Dolfin]

Ryan,

You know it has taken me a few days to respond to this as well.

It was summer 1985 and I was 9. My brother and I were spending the week with my grandparents, like we normally did every summer since I could remember. I grew up at their house in the summers....huge field to run and play in and ride my bike, they had mini bikes for us to ride, and a swimming pool in the back yard, but you really couldn't see it too well from the house. My Gramma never worried about us kids in that pool; we all grew up in it and were excellent swimmers. Gramma used to say I should have been born with gills.

My Dad's youngest brother is only 4 years older than I am. One day, my Poppa had taken my brother with him to my great-grandparents farm, so it was just the two of us in the pool, and he decided we should play Marco Polo. Since he was older, I had to be Marco. The game was gong fine for about 10 minutes, me yelling 'marco', him responding 'polo' and i could hear him dive under the water to escape me catching him. Then, one time I called Marco, and he didn't answer with polo. I felt my bathing suit being moved away from below my waist and felt a pain I had never felt before in my life. I didn't know what to do. I just stood in the water, paralyzed with fear. I didn't want to get in trouble, so I would mumble marco every few minutes so my Gramma would think we were still playing and wouldn't come outside.

After it was all over, I got out of the pool and raced for the house and got dressed and stayed in my Gramma's ceramic shop class with her for the rest of the afternoon. Gramma didn't mind; I was the apple of her eye, her pride and joy and she liked bragging me up to her friends in her classes. I remember painting my mom a Miss Piggy figurine that day.

He came into my bedroom that night to continue where he left off in the pool earlier that day, but I've blocked out what happened. The next day, my Mom came to pick us up. It was time for us to go home, our week-long visit was over.

The next summer, we didn't go because one of my other uncles had just come home from alcohol rehab, so we couldn't stay with Gramma and Poppa for a week like we had so many summers before. They came to visit us instead.

To this day, my uncle and I have never spoke of the incidents, and I watch his daughters closely. My dear Gramma passed away 4 years ago, never knowing what her youngest son had done to "Her Jennifer". And my Poppa will go to his grave, never knowing what his son has done to his oldest grandchild.

My T and I had just started to talk about it a couple of weeks ago, then Hurricane Hell swept through my life, and we haven't had a chance to really get the scab completely ripped off yet. Hopefully, I can get myself through these temporary hiccups so I can cast out the demons that have been haunting me for so long.

You are not alone, and your courage motivated my spirit to finally get this off of my conscience after 20+ years of agony and silence.

Jenn

[nightdream]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Rem}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry! I wish I would have been there to protect you. But there is never nobody there to protect the children. I am sorry.

nightdream

[dalila]

<font color="green"> [b]Rape is rape doesn't matter what sex the victim is. My godfather used the 'backdoor' cos he said he was saving the other for later. I feel like it was because as young as I was he would have done damage that would have been noticable.

I am so sorry this happened to you, you did not deserve it in any form or fashion. You closed the door - that should have been enough. In my home, a closed door means knock first. Safe hugs if you want them. </font> [b]

TY nightdream. You're so right. No one is ever there to protect the children.

Ryan

Dalila, you're right... it is rape. And I'm sorry that this happened to you as well. Thank you for your encouraging words.

ryan

Jenn... Not sure what to say... what does anyone say? I'm so very glad that this inspired you to let out your own story, even if a part of me that regrets posting. It's a horrible story and should have never happened. Much love,

Ryan

[obsids]

Catching up on posts today....

Ryan, it took tremendous courage to post your story. I hope that you find healing in allowing yourself to get the words out. You are a beautiful person.

*big hugs*

Thanks so much obsids. I appreciate the support.

Ryan