I was scrolling through my saved emails in hopes of finding an upload email form for my photobuket account when I ran across some of the last emails from someone who was supposed to be my firend.

through out our correspondance many times they would send emails that were punishing and just hit me in the gut , LIke a pychic punch . the last ones were down right cruel . minimizing our correspondance . treating it like two students who come together for an hour and share and go home. and it got worse from there . They basically pumeld me . all the while I watched them treat others with hugs and smiles .
I can't belive it happened .
not again .

like my child hood . the father who would yell threaten punish and beat . while he would laugh and joke with the neighbors .

It must have hurt back then just as much if not more.

I shared my heart and soul with this person . I risked much .

I can't believe they treated me this way .
It still hurts.
it did hurt.

I guess its good they were still in the que of saved mail . To remind me of thier cruelty when I wish they were still my friend. When I fall back into the denile state of they are so wonderful.

I wonder if they miss my laughter, my pictures , my poems , my musings . my teasings , my appreactaion of them .My innocence in how I shared my life with them. I meant every word .

and why they couldn't see my struggle that was real and be willing to help in the same way I woud have been willing to help then if they were in the same situation. and why did they make light of it afterwards.

why did you do and say the thigs you did . but more importantly .
why did I allow you to treat me in the way you did.

Patricia

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((((((Patricia)))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you were treated badly. I hope you can realize that it was not because of you that they behaved that way. YOU are a good person. It was something in THEM that caused them to behave that way.

And you probably allowed it because you are a kind caring compassionate person who sees the good things in everyone, and you probably just wanted to give the person the chance to make it right.

I hope you can surround yourself with good people who see your incredible worth and value as a person......

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Auroralso

and why they couldn't see my struggle that was real and be willing to help in the same way I woud have been willing to help then if they were in the same situation. and why did they make light of it afterwards.

why did you do and say the thigs you did . but more importantly .
why did I allow you to treat me in the way you did.

Patricia

I can totaly relate to this....and your last sentence is the question that needs to be answered. It's exactly what I want to figure out in therapy. Why did I allow people to mistreat me...and what is it about me that made people think they could?

I'm sad that you were hurt this way.

Originally Posted by ktgirl

((((((((((((((((((Patricia)))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you were treated badly. I hope you can realize that it was not because of you that they behaved that way. YOU are a good person. It was something in THEM that caused them to behave that way.

And you probably allowed it because you are a kind caring compassionate person who sees the good things in everyone, and you probably just wanted to give the person the chance to make it right.

I hope you can surround yourself with good people who see your incredible worth and value as a person......

Thanks Ktgirl,

I was at a support group meeting last night and had this grin on my face that just would not stop . Just being in a place where others were opening up and listening and we joke too . I had shared how I was able to withstand certain treatment from others these past couple weeks and it just didn't get me down at all . And then this took me by surprise. I spent another hour or so crying deeply last night. I don't know why I have let this person hurt me so, effect me so ,and always has. They seem so caring and understanding but would also turn on certain people. I didn't think it would happen to me I don't know why I went back after such cruel treatment But I think your right Ktgirl I wanted to give them a chance to make it right .but they really couldn't do it.

I had reasons to not trust that were right there obvious to anyone but I refused to see them for what they were. They had all the control blocked and then approached , trying to make me be a certain way almost like training a dog . Praising me when I said something right .to thier liking, Veiwing me like I was a problem to others, Trying to get others to see what I had wrote actually saying. ", look shes can say things nicely and supportively" " I wish everyone could see this " {typed those last words )" ,And thy had the power of the group to do that. did this after having blocked me only no one knew it. The had openly announced to everyone what I had wrote in private after they blocked me only no one knew (he/she) had done that . and they did it to someone else same thing only I didn't even see it clearly untill a couple of months ago I knew it sort of . I was in denile. but it was just so in black and white I could not ignore the truth . And it REALLY Hurt then. It became undeniable . It was just out right crewlness to someone they did not really know but claimed they did. Very confusing and manipulative and controling. A dog I was treated and trained like a dog.

I guess I thought I deserved that kind of treatment . Or I just ingnored the truth and focoused on the kindness .

I can totaly relate to this....and your last sentence is the question that needs to be answered. It's exactly what I want to figure out in therapy. Why did I allow people to mistreat me...and what is it about me that made people think they could?

Hi Mixed emotions,

Instead of flee when most people would I stay . And I'm fairly certain it realates back to having to live in an abusive environment . Its a sad pattern I play out . ingnoring yet still knowing when I'm being mistreated .

I was oblivious to the physical abuse from my fatherover the years . Some how I belive it WAS myfault because I belived or felt that there WAS something wrong with me . I knew on some level that there was when my eating disorder started .So I deserved to be treated the way I was . because I was a problem .

I have just been gived the diagnosis Of ADHD , Its almost official . Even now I can't accept that it is official , Im so brain washed in another one. I can maybe shed some light on how my way of being WAS seen as I was the problem . Much of it I could not control .

based on my staying in relationships when I should not have , struggle with believeing there are people , primarily men who can treat people well consistantly . My problem is not trusting that inner sesne that says somethings wrong here.

I may alwys have them in my life and can't control when they misstreat me . All I can do is protect myself and not react .



I fell asleep exausted last night and this person was in my dreams but nothing I can remember. I am "emotinally hung over ". I don't feel so angry anymore just very hurt . I think I moving along in the grieving process as hard as it is to see the truth. I need to remember. it was very nice to see both of your supportive responses this morning.

Thank you,

Patricia

[Sannah]

[shezbut]

(((Auroralso)))

I;m having a real hard time with this today...



I miss them ..

even tought the treated me in a very hurtful and harmful manner .

i feel so confused . I gave them a chance to make an amend and instead turned it all on me .
Ive made so many to them stating my part many a time.
and they have never made one admidtitng the exact nature of thier wrongs .


an " im sorry" ever does the job. it still blames the other person . thats why admiting and stating the exact nature tell the person what they did that was wrong. and healing takes place . its a loving thing to do .

I need realease

when I asked for what I needed
all I got was something even more debasing to me as a person something I did not deserve and just adds injury and insult to me

I feel like im worthless
Im letting this person win



I wish I was a narcisist and could just hurt and smile and go my merry way while pointing the blame to the other.

Patricia

[Sannah]

Patricia, why can't you step away from this? If I was mistreated by someone and nothing was going to change I would be out of there. Staying is what causes the low self worth, to continue to take the terrible treatment. I know that you are no longer in the situation but longing for them cannot be helpful to you. Do you long to make it right and then everything will be alright (with your dad)? We can have these needs to make things right like this.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you long to make it right and then everything will be alright (with your dad)? We can have these needs to make things right like this.

The closest i can come to this is that Im aware theses feelings are out of proportion for what the relationship was .

I asked myself if i have ever felt these kinds of feelings in relation to the treatment I got from my father.

and the answer is No.

I have felt rage a few times in relation to my fathers treatment , and it was directed at myself. I still vasilate between anger and hurt when I get hurt. .

I tried to shift these feelings over to my dad. tried to vsualize it.
i couldn't do it .

aside from this . ( as it may relate to dad)

This person has taken too much liberty in defining me. and has acted acording to placing me under the lens of a diagnosis,
to have this person see the damage they have done and make an amends may be helpful . But I may not belive the person based on what I have seen..

will it be alright?
no

onlt with changes made coud it be.
Do I long for that.

yes.
But I have no control over how this person chooses to see me , But i keep trying. .

this relates to a few others in my life.
I want out from under thier seeing me as a diagnosis

and see Me ,

Patricia, a woman who Is "not" what they have made me to be. And a woman they do not know even though they said they did.

they have done the damage , knowing all my vulnerabilites .
thats what makes it so cruel.



Patricia

[Sannah]

So you are trying to change how this person sees you?

Originally Posted by Sannah

So you are trying to change how this person sees you?

Yes. as rediculious as it sounds . I am . after I wrote I hopped in my truck and it hit me . that My father saw me in a way that he was not supposed to . i don't know how he looked at me . Not as a daughter . a thing maybe i really don't know .

at least the tears went in the right direction.

[Sannah]

[chaotic13]

Boy this is a good reminder to keep my mouth shut out side of therapy. There is a reason I am guarded around others.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Boy this is a good reminder to keep my mouth shut out side of therapy. There is a reason I am guarded around others.

I have to say it has shot my trust all to smitherines. I really don't know who to share with any more . I really don't know what to do . I guess just say my past is offlimits . Close down .

I am in that place of hurt and sadness again to day . I was on my knees in a garden . all I coud do was sob and Pray.

[Sannah]

((((((((((Auroralso)))))))) Please come back! You can still share..........