Going to put it out there

Hi I'm new to the site and have read many threads here. Thank goodness for them! I have decided to open up and tell someone what happened to me. I don't remeber much but here it goes anyway. I married at 20 to a evil man. He beat me for 7 years and continues to do it in my head for the last 5. He did things like kick me in my head until I was unconious(don't think that was spelled right), lock me a closet for weeks on end with my little boy would put his fingers under the door so I would have someone to hold. He had me ganged raped and finally tried to kill me with his hunting rifle. Thats when I broke and confessed to my family that I needed out. And thanks to them we escaped. But I made another big mistake and moved in with an old friend that was just as evil. After I moved out he would break in and wake me up by cutting me on my throat. He did several break ins before I could prove anything and had him arrested. Both have both searched me out everytime we move and we move alot. I keep running hoping they won't find me and that I can finally stop running. But it never happens. I'm tired of not dealing with all this. I've hid it for so long that I think its manifested into flashbacks. They scare me, the voices and paranoina are way easier. At least with them I know where I am. But I keep slipping back to an awful place where all this started and have a hard time getting back each time. And each time it keeps getting harder to come back. I'm terrified I'll get stuck there. Please if anyone has anything helpful or just wants to talk I welcome the distraction. Please, I still can't get to chats yet and truly need someone who understands. Anyone please this is my last place for peace, if I can't get it here, I'm doomed to be sucked back into that place where I almost died and will definetly die this time. Sorry if this was annoying but in a small way I feel better at least for the moment. Thanks.

Hi
I am not in a place where I can read it, but i want to support you as I can.... I can offer safe hugs if you would like them
(((((((((((((((melissa))))))))))))))))))))))

I do not understand. Are these people physically able to gain access to you, or are you suffering in your mind but they do not physically get to you?

they treaten often and only came twice. but i never when they might again. They find me make sure they let me know that they know where I'm at and use it to scare the h*ll out of me. And I hate to say it works. I've been fortunate to have remarried to a wonderful amn who thinks he can protect me but of course he can't be around 24/7. So my T says that I'll have to be ready all my life for one of them to show, so I make a plan everywhere I go, I vary my routes (as much as possible), and keep a close eye one my kids constantly. The school knows about thier dad after he threatened to come take them. I have an protection order that never expires and should be good thourgh out the US. So I basically have done everything locially I can do to make myself and my children as safe as I can. The fear gets better at times, but I honestly think if I let it go then I'm doomed to be caught off guard.

im here. i cant type much my keyboard is broken, im getting a new one. im sorry im here. hang in there. i hear u,

Wow melissa, that is a lot to handle. I'm really sorry you have to live in that constant state of ready-ness - fight or flight. =( But it does sound like you have done everything possible.
((((((((melissa)))))))))

I am so very sorry to hear that you have to live in constant fear you and your children need to change your identity if you can maybe that will help set your mind at rest for a while... that is just awful no person do that to a another. i am glad that you were able to trust and love again... i am here if you ever want to vent either on here or you can PM me.. take care i wish happiness and freedom for you.

melissa you were right to put your story out here, you need all the support you can find. Are you being treated for PTSD?? if not i would recommend you read some up on it and look into it. My abuse issues left me completely on-alert at all times. i constantly thought of how to protect myself and people, including my small children learned to avoid "startling" me! it is an exhausting way to live and one's body and mind wear down.

i am so sorry you have had to live with this abusive cruelty and insecurity. come here and get all the support we can offer. hugs

leslie and her pixies

I am exhusted. It feels like I'm on red alert all the time. I just left my T's office where he increased my meds to double a day. Hopefully that will help me relax a little. I hope it works a little but I'm also scared to be too relaxed. The last meds they put me on made me lose myself. I don't remember the whole year. It increased terrible actions and drove my husband into this state of guarded emotions. He is still there but slowly coming back. Maybe so am I. Thank you all for your support, I really truly appreciate it. I feel extremely scared all the time to talk to anyone scared what will come out of my mouth. Thanks again

Melissa,
It took a lot of courage to share with us, and I thank you for doing it.

Share what you need to share--use the trigger icon and folks can decide if they are able to read it. If they aren't in a place where they can read it they will still offer support as you have already seen.
You don't have to go it alone. We lean on each other. Some days we take and some days we give, and that is the way it should be.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
We Care

Cap

I escaped from my abusive relationship 5mths ago.Made a report to police.
He was arrested last week.
Just want you to know your not completely alone.
Sorry i cant help more

Welcome Melissa, I am so sorry for all that you have been through. I hope to be a support for you here ........

Princess- Good for u!!I know the battle zone your at all too well. If you ever want to talk please don't heistate to hit me up.