Ick...I'm terrified...

Can't wait until you can start therapy. Growing up in an emotionally invalidating environment causes this emotional constriction. Learning how to live emotionally will stop the numbness............

Hi Pain,

I know of this fear I truely do. I risked sharing once in the ER and i was ready to bolt like a wild animal . when they said they had to see if I was going to be released.

I was .

I just needed to talk about it . strange thing was it was exactly a month after The alergist molested me . I didn't even know what all was going on inside me.
You don't sound to me like someone who needs to be committed . your on here . your trying to stop your pain . your talking about how hard it is .

Your voicing it doesn't mean your going to do it .

. Not sure this is the best advice. BUT.
can you use this fear as a door to freedom from all the taking it out on yourself? . Use it to stop hating yourself . And right now . Il bet your angry. I would be . angry and abandoned . But your very strong.

from Sannah

Exactly what is this numbness you want to stop ? Is it fear of feeling the emotions?

You are taking care of yourself having been kicked out . Got a job . living on your own. amazing really .

Now you just need a bit more . And you should be getting help from your parents . .

I wish none of this ever happened to you , Pain . Sometimes there is no escape . Only working through it . Its happened .Again Your doing VERY well for the situation your in.

Thats why your here. If you don't do anything it WILL be pointless. You may not beable to do anything about your abusers . But you can take care of you. You have options. Options I can't say one way or the other HOW they will turn out. I just wish for you what I did not get . and get it as painlessly as possible . with your freedom in tact.
I know how important that is for you.

What is it that you want Pain, right now the ideal situation if you could have it? starving or any other actions toward your self are not an option.

whats left?



Patricia

Yes, it's fear of feeling the emotions. I'm afraid of my emotions because I know that they are so full blown and I don't want to end up breaking completely. I am broken already, and I know that and I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to live in fear of who's around the next corner, if anyone's judging me, watching me, checking up on all my mistakes...

I can't get help from my Birth Mother. If she knew about my SH, the ED all the abuse, she'd blow her top. It'd ruin her. She'd blame herself for me being put into such a s***ty home and she'd blame herself for my SH and ED. Which... In a way the ED is partly becauseof her calling me fat, asking if I'm pregnant and such. She has a huge thing against people that aren't skinny, that have a bit of puppy fat or are "fat". Ick. I hate that word. It's such a negative, spiteful word. Reminds me of my twin and everyone else, the way they used to spit "Fat" at me.

What I want right now?

To be happy. Safe. Healthy. To be with Connor and have my dog and my cat. To have a well Mother. To just be able to put it all behind me and get on with my life and live my life the way I've always dreamed of living it. To have a decent job, to have a flat. To have all those friends around me, even people from here, helping me through the difficult times and rejoicing the good times with me... But that seems an impossible dream.

I hate this. I'm sat here blubbing my eyes out and all because I'm such a failure. Such a fat, disgusting, disappointing failure..

Thanks Sannah.

I'm very tired today. Extremely tired. Sfter only 3 hours sleep last night, not eating much today and rushing around all day... I'm exhausted. I didn't have that chilling out day that I said I would... But it's all for a good cause.. After all, as I said in SI forum... I saved someone's life today... I'm too tired and exhausted to explain here, so if peoples want to know, check it out.

*yawn* my whole body aches and it's horrible... But just knowing that one of my closest friends is safe now, makes me worry less and feel slightly more relaxed. Although... What's "relaxed"??? I never relax. Never switch off. ugh.

Sorry I'm so horribly tired. I don't know wjat to say now. I just hipe I manage to get some sleep.

Goodnight everyone..

ya done good!!!!!!!!!!!
deserve to rest.
maybe connor can watch you back for awhile so that you can you can feel safe enough to get the rest that you so badly need
thinking of you,

mary of beads

Hmmm.
No, he couldn't watch my back at all for me last night, he was at home and we didn't talk much. Don't know why though. He doesn't know how much of a state I was in last night but he knew that I was upset about stuffs.

I didn't get much sleep last night, if any at all so I'm still exhausted and had to go and get the food for breakfast club. Luckily, no-one was morbid this morning. I had quite an uplifting conversation, but was late to breakfast club. I think Nick (key support worker) could tell something was wrong but knew I didn't really want to talk about it around everyone.

Sigh. I'm knackered and feel sick, so not feeling too hungry, so not going to eat.

Apparently I asked to be raped... And then I ran crying to the police that I was raped, to get attention. Apparently the world would be a better place without a stupid, fat, ugly b**ch called sl**ty Kirsten didn't exist. Apparently I shouldn't have been born and Connor's only with me because he needs his head testing and would be better with me dead... Apparently he's the fly and I'm the s**t. Pfft. Then this person contradicted herself saying that I'm an "stupid, anorexic wh*re"

So yeah... That's why I almost ODed last night and that's why I didn't sleep. Was too busy bawling my eyes out. What a waste of tears. Pff.

Anyways, I have more shopping and stuffs to do, will post about the messages later.

Take care everyone

(((((((((((((((((((Kirsten))))))))))))))))))))))

one lesson you need to learn hun........................doNOT worry so much about what others think of you................its not about that at all because you can please some of the people some of the time but you can never please all of the people all ot the time.....................ther's always gonna be someone out there that says hurtful things about/to us and the best you can do is to let it roll offa your back and pray for them because if they szare so miserable that they hafta try to make others miserable then they need help also......does any of this make sense?
here for you always!

beads

its more about helping others but also we have to take care of ourselfs cuz no one else is going to..........once you are ok with you then you can hlep others and thats more what its all about

hugs

Sounds to me like you need some new freinds who won't fight or put you down or name call. T hat way you won't have to name call back.

I wish You had access to other women in a 12 step suport group of somekind in real life to hang with, who t are working on these kind of issues and learning how to live a less beating up on yourself way of life , Pain.

Your new T can help you with that. I don't see you as a failure at all. Your here and want a better life, You may even be able to go back to school .

Can't you ask for finacial support for school and therapy? You don't have to tell her the whole truth. Just say your depressed and need help with a few issues,, And if pressed as for why you could mention the rape and how you feel so unsuported .

Your birth mother is no more responsible for the Rape tha you are.



Patricia

I'm not saying my Birth Mother is responisble... She barely knows about it... In fact, she knows nothing about it..

I don't think I can get any financial support for therapy or anything like that. I'll get a job, figure something out. But in this state, there's no way I'l get a job...

I've been drinking since 10am this morning, was p**sed for my gym session at 1.30 and did really well and am still p**sed now and haven't stopped drinking since 10am. Sigh. At least it's numbed the pain. I plan to do this for the next 6 weeks or so :/ Just to numb the pain. hah. For someone who's pretty p**sed out of their face, I think I type quite well. Although... Alcohol never affects my typing or speech. I'm still crystal clear.

Just wish I could stop being hated and... Well.. I'm ..That close to OD'ing right now... I don't know what to do

Hi Pain,

I get over whelmed here after posting. It takes everything out of me . so I appologize for not gettig back soonner.

I hope you didn't OD.

That statement about it not bieng your fault or your moms can be a fuzzey one huh. It was for me. Maybe if I had a mother who was able to show me the right relationship with food and men and women I would not have ended up in thekind of places I did from time to time .

regardless rape happens out of the blue regardless of time and place and past .

Your drinking ... well on one hand this is not so great . But on the positive side this gives you a memberhip into one of the greatest special places to be in in the world , ehem. next to PC entral of course..

That of AA alchoholics anonomous. So find a number for AA in your area.
pick up the phone and dial the number. there will be probably a Man on the other end of the line who will get you a number of a woman to speack too and or a begginner meeting to attend or womens meeting . and if you need a ride they prvide limo service.

So go . today .. you lucky woman..

Patrica

Yeah. I guess. I just wish I didn't feel this way... I mean... My ED getting more and more out of control is partially her fault because of her calling me fat so much and asking if I'm pregnant etc... Just because I'm the one with a bigger chest and bigger shoulders, bigger upper body than everyone else... So Connor tells me... And there's nothing wrong with that, so Connor also tells me...

I didn't OD, I held on because Vicki needed me.. She's the only reason i hold on now, along with Connor and everyone's support on here... I just. I keep feeling like it. And I keep getting so damn close to it, but then I know if I get caught and ttaken to hospital, I'll HAVE to eat in hospital and I'll go nuts if I have to eat i can't eat. No way.

I have my counselling appointment at SWEDA this week anyway... I guess I'll go to that and see what happens... i feel like not going, like I can just make myself get through this all on my own, but in reality... I can't. That's just a ridiculous idea.

I'm knackered. I'm sick. I'm exhausted. I can't do this.

You can get better and you will..........

maybe you need to give yourself a bit of a break.......can you like allow yourself to rest a bit?
please dont be too hard on yourself......
and beads agree with sannah in that you ARE strong and you can and will get thru this.........
try to keep up the hope,
hugs iffen you want/need them,
beads

Thanks everyone. Today has been a tough one, but I feel so, so elated!

I did a mammoth gym session to burn off some fat and anger I have lost 5kg (Yay!!), I have helped a friend to do some shopping on a budget, and start to eat healthily (she eats loooads of junk food and is overweight) although I couldn't get her to come to the gym, we did lots of powerwalking! I have had people being nice/helpful to me today, I've basked in the lovely sun and soaked it up both emotionally and physically. Mmm. Today has been rather eventful, but at the same time, relaxing and I've had a good few giggles. I haven't done this in ages... Since... Summer 3 years ago...?

Although today has been incredibly stressful what with things that happened last night and people questioning me about it and asking whether I'll be doing the cycling session - an hour long! - and the tai chi and people setting up the breakfast club wrong and leaving all the hard work to me, when I just like it done MY way because it works!!! and stuff like that making me mad and upset, I feel happy in the knowledge that I LET myself chill out even for an hour today... The fact that I helped someone else without it being too much effort on my part, the fact that I've lost weight and feel good (if achey) after a huge, tough gym session - in which I reduced my anger and stress levels - I feel exhausted, but more elated than ever and I just generally feel a little better today. the weather has helped and the fact that so many people have stopped coming complaining to me all the time, now that I have told them straight taht I'm concentrating on ME and need taht time for me, not everyone else. Of course, helping others from time to time, like with the shopping, makes me feel better but too much of it and I crash.

I do still have my issues about the abuse, my sister still won't be nice to me, i keep dreaming about them all and about the abuse and rapes etc... I slept in Charlene's room last night (the one I helped to go shopping healthily!) and she said that I cussed in my sleep. I remember tossing and turning, waking up with my bedding twisted and me sweating and sitting up a few times in the night. I've had this before and it is so scary... I'm going to get my butt to the doctors againa nd see if I can get to see a sleep specialist and hopefully get to see someone about my hair! See? All good stuff... With a little help from Connor of course!

I've not had anymore abuse from Nancy.. the 28 y/o, and the situation is being sorted within the team on the forum that she's from. They've had numerous complaints about her and now need to take action because of how much it's distressed me and how worried Connor and others are about me :/ Of course.. i hate worrying people... but today, I think they've felt more at ease because I've been happier and such.

Hmmm. If only it could be like this all the time!!!

I have food to cook and Try to eat, but not promising anything. I think because of how much good I've done today... I deserve to eat something more than usual

thanks for the help everyone and I'll update you tomorrow on how it goes with everything. I have my counselling at SWEDA starting on Wednesday too. I'm reeeeeallly nervous, but at the same time, looking forward to it. let's hope something good happens!!!

Anyways. I have stuff to do and need to CHILL OUT SOME MORE!!!

Byethebye I will update you all tomorrow!

and thanks for all the hugs! Even if they're virtual, they still mean lots! and thanks for keeping the faith It's given me faith.

glad you had a gooder day today!!!!!!!
keeping thinkign postiev thuoghts iffen you can....

beads

I are tired today!!

and aching, obviously... From the gym session yesterday. Will be going cycling today and basking in the sun again

Let's hope today is a good day

TPND, things are better because you had a plan and you worked to this point! Good Work!

I did what i said I would do today, but I have yet to phone my dogs' parents owners! Geeee!! I almost forgot!!! Dammit! lucky I remembered though...

I'm knackered, feel like I can't be bothered with phoning my dogs' parents owners, but I need to. It's a neccessity for me and then it'll be out of the way and I'm sure I'll feel loads better once I've done it. Let's hope they agree to give me the Birth papers. Eeeek! Wish me luck!

Anyways.... I acheeee! I have posted about it all in the SI section. I'm too achey to write it all out again :P

I will be back later to let y'all know how it goes...

Good Luck!

beads

They weren't there... So I have to wait until the weekend to call them. If not, I'll leave a message or send a letter about it and see what happens then. I'm scared... I just want my baby back

I feel so alone right now... I need my dog... She keeps me going... She's someone to love and care for, who will love and care for me too... She makes my life whole again...

I went to SWEDA counselling today. It was less scary and better than I thought it'd be. i felt I really clicked with Sian. Again, it's all written in the SI section!

I feel so tired and weak and I hate myself for eating today. I promised myself I wouldn't, but then Connor bought me food in a cafe and I didn't want to let him down and cause a fuss in the cafe, so I had to eat. I hate myself now. I'm so disgusting

I hate my abusers, I hate me, I hate food. I hate everything that makes me upset and angry and yeah... I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Never wake up again.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...73#post1003473

The bolded statements are healthy! (can angry be interchanged with hate here?) Of course the 2 other statements......... But I am glad that you are being honest with your feelings!

I want to cry

I can't believe how nasty people can be sometimes and I honestly cannot believe just how many times it's happened in the past 2 weeks. What the HELL have I done for me to STILL be getting abuse from people? I am so sick of it and I'd rather just starve to death, I'd rather just run away from this s**thole and never see any of them again. Just disappear and never be seen again. Drop dead.

That's all anyone wants is me gone, so why don't I grant their wishes instead of fooling my stupoid, fat, ugly self?

I f*cking hate this and I hate everything that's happening recently. I give up. I give up trying so hard!!!! NOTHING ever works out right in the end. I thought these people had finally accepted me, but NO. They all hate me for one reason or another and I'm sick of not fitting in. Well ***** it. I'm off. I;m not sticking around any longer than I have to.