Ick...I'm terrified...

They make me want to stoop to their level. I feel like going and kicking their doors at 12.30am, see how they like it. I feel like threatening to beat the crap out of them, I feel like calling them a b--ch and telling them to f--k off when they try to help me and tell them to shut up when they tell me about their achievements. GRRRR. I'm not nasty, or violent, or harsh at all. They make me feel that way and I hate it. My blood boils.

My Key support worker canceled on me again!!!!!! I'm getting so sick of this! No wonder I don't talk to her about anything, no wonder I'm scared to tell her about the OD, about the drinking and other issues. Her and Mandy, another Key support worker here have asked me about Sam and whether I was okay after having such pressure put on me to make sure she was okay and support her and stuff and I said that yes, I was fine. If anything it helped me because I had used my experiences to help someone else in need.

Just annoys me that Abi knows I'm struggling. Yet she doesn't seem to care one bit. Even if I cried I bet she'd have nothing to say. All I'm asking for is a bit of support, even if it was just a hug. That's not too much to ask is it? I feel so low at the moment and I just feel like no-one here wants to know, that they think I'm just able to take all the s--t in my stride and just deal with it, or bottle it up like I do and be fine with it, not OD or cut or anything like that.

Well maybe I can't just deal with it. I've not cut in about a month or so and I'm struggling, really struggling... Have they even thought about why I may be so ill? Of course... I know I need to talk to them about it for them to know, but Abi knows I've slipped into a major downer...

Can I just cry?

.....................

I know no-one makes me feel any way... I guess I just get frustrated and upset by people too easily. I don't know. I don't have any control over my own life, hence trying to gain control in another way.

It's not that I hide myself, because I don't - not from the people that I shouldn't be anyway -like Abi... I talk to Abi as much as possible, but how can I if she keeps canceling our appointments? I talk as much as I possibly can, but most of the time i feel like I'm wasting people's time. I can't talk to any of the other residents here like they can me, because I don't trust any of them... They maytrust me, but it doesn't mean I have to, or do, trust them. Gaaaahhhh. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm tired and I guess earlier I was just easily annoyed and upset and stuff. Keep crying for apparently unknown reasons, but I know it's because I've bottled everything up and not asked for the help, apart from when Abi spoke to me yesterday.

I'm scared. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I deserve to hurt, but they don't. I don't want people to judge me and most of all, I don't want to be sectioned. It'd drive me insane.

I mean... Yes, I was fine after supporting Sam. I really was. It hadn't affected me, that was what I meant when I said I was fine. I did speak to Mandy and say that I was on a downer and was feeling really low. She asked why and I said that I was tired and just had been affected by the people bullying me. She said to just ignore it and said that it's horrible when we don't sleep. "just ignoring it" isn't that easy... Especially when the ED voice feeds back to me what Nancy said, every single day.

I don't know. Sorry. I'm confused and tired and just. Yeah. I don't feel so good.

..........

I know it can stop me talking about myself and what I need, but I'm getting there... I'm closer than I was before... I hope.

How am I going to hurt anyone? By attempting to rid the world of me, by attempting to rid them of me... By just. Well. Hurting myself which hurts them. They'd know that I'd overdosed or something and that's the reason why I'd have been sectioned. They'd be gutted that I'm being sectioned because it proves just how screwed up I am when they thought I was doing so well.. I don't want to let anyone down anymore... It's all I've ever done and that's why I deserve to hurt...

So by taking care of yourself by getting help you would be hurting others?????? Why can't you go get the help instead of being sectioned? And why can't you go get the help before you hurt yourself?

No, I don;t have a mask on that I'm doing so well... It's just that when I'm with people, I'm happier sometimes. I don't know. I guess sometimes I do hide it, but I have told people I'm struggling and they've seen that I'm struggling. Especially those that know about the OD.

I'm talking nonsense... I am making no sense at all. Sorry. I'm tired and I don't know.

I am trying my hardest to get the help. I'm seeing Sian from SWEDA now, I will cooperate but I don't know. I don't know if they'd give me the help instead of being sectioned, especially if they knew I want to do it again... I guess they'd want to section me so that they could keep a close eye on me and KNOW that I'm gettign the help I need and am so desperately crying out for.

I'm just scared of the unknown... I know everyone is, but... I don't know. I'm scared of what it'll do to me, whether it'll do me any good, being stuck in hospital alone and stuff.

Thanks, Sannah.

I've really needed a hug today!! I wish I could just curl up in someone's arms and fall asleep. That'd be so nice... After 60 hours of no sleep, I'm exhausted. Blaaahhhhh. It's painful. I'm in pain because of it and keep yawning and stuff.

Sleep, body SLEEEEEEEPPPPP!!!!

You are not talking nonsense. You are talking all of the conflicting thoughts that you have in your head which you acquired from your upbringing. And these same conflicting thoughts govern your behavior. I just keep asking you questions about them so that you can understand what is going on with you and make sense of it. We all get these conflicting thoughts from dysfunctional upbringings and we all had to sort through them in order to get better........

Its ok to be terrified, i know i was, and why didnt they put him in jail. If you have to do like i did, get somebody hold you while you fall asleep. think of the number one thing that means the most to you and think of you completingly everything you have ever wanted to do.

I guess. I think my thoughts and feelings are all just a jumble and I'm confusing myself and getting in a panic and stuff about it.

I'm just so tired and I need to sleep and I'm in pain and stuff, but every time I try to sleep, I just feel wide awake and can't sleep no matter what I do. I look like I'm on steroids or something today. My eyes are really wide and I keep zoning out when people are talking to me and then I "come round" and they're still talking and I'm like... "sorry, what...?"

I've done that a few times and people have got quite annoyed I don't know how on Earth to let myself sleep I've tried everything I can think of

Thank you for your reply, Annette.

I don't know anyone who could allow me to fall asleep in their arms.
I do try and think about something that means a lot to me. It's hard, but I guess that's the point because I think of every little detail and it helps me to drop off... Or should. But sometimes, it's just a matter of waiting until I've not slept for over 72 hours for now. Until I can find something that works.

please excuse beads for her bluntness again, but TPND you seem to have this detail backward...........
iffen you hurt or kill yourself, then who really wins? they do.
iffen you get the help that you need and succeed in life and are happy, then who really wins? YOU do

sending lots of hugs and telling you we sits with you as long as you need us to if you would like,

marsidotz

I get what you're sying, Beads... I really do...

I know I say a lot of things backwards, I guess I've got it all confused in my head and need to turn everything around in my head so that it's the right way around, if that makes sense?

After this morning... I'm even more confused and all over the place and worried. So yeah. Sorry for being all over the place and confusing and stuff!

I hope tomorrow's a better day

((((((((((TPND)))))))))))

yeah, it makes sense......were aaaaaa having similar issue atm....doubting her decisions and stuff.........

hoping tomorrow is a gooder day for you ,

all our goodest,
beads

I think today will be a bit of a better day. Just don't really feel like eating to be honest and someone's aked me to go out drinking tonight and I'm like... Hmmmm.. Not sure. Still feel like OD'ind again though =-/ so not sure what to do.

I guess... Just. Hm. Dunno lol.

Got lots going on what with stomach pain and such My head hurts like crazy. I think it's time I had a lie down. Feel liek I'm about to faint.

I have so much running through my head right now and it's riving me insane!! I just. I want to cry. I need to cry. But I have no-one to hug me to make me cry and to feel like I have got something out of crying...

Can I have someone to sit with me? Just for a while?
Sorry..

(((((((((((((((((TPND))))))))))))))))))

beads will and is sitting with you................for as long as you need us to be!

hugs and peace,
mary

Thanks beads...

I'm feeling so low at the moment. I need ahug, a real life hug. Just to be able to cry... I almost cried in Connor's arms earlier when I met up with him, but held back... We were in public...

Charlene's drinking tonight and she's said she's going to bang on my door when she's heavily drunk. She can go shove that idea where the sun don't shine. I want some sleep tonight... If she wants to ****** about me with Karis, she can. I wouldn't be surprised if she did tbh.

I give up trying with her anymore. I'm helping Julie and Bill out, a married couple in their 50's because Charlene's been spreading stuff about them GRRR. Almost got Bill chucked out of the house. What the hell is wrong with that girl? I told both Julie and Bill that Charlene seriously needs some life skills coaching. Not from me though. I may cope in ways that aren't good, but at least I try to face up to my issues... I'm terrifed about tomorrow, my SWEDA counselling. I'm scared I'll cry. Absolutely freaked about it. But I know I'll feel better if I do... I need to...

I feel such a heavy weight on my shoulders and I'm sick of it What will the next week bring?

I just wish that things could be okay, I wish that I'd never been abused, that I'd never been bullied, that there were no such things as bullies, murderers, abusers etc. I wish I'd not been so naive and stupid and had got out of there when things started to go wrong... Instead of letting it get too much, look what a mess I am now

God, my moods swing so quickly from being perfectly happy to being miserable... What the hell is wrong with me? I can't stand this any longer...

((((((((((TPND))))))))))))


sometimes me sits
and me thinks........
sometimes me just sits.......
sometimes me sits with her freind........
sometimes me sits and cries with her freind......

can beads cry with you and we will give each other a hug and the sunshine will come out after the rain and the storm and there will be a rainbow and the light will shine again......

hugs for you,

mary

TPND! Your appt. will be very good for you! I think that your normal was a not so good mood and now you are actually having good days, which is an improvement! Of course, healing is gradual and you are still going to have bad times but they will get less and less and your good times will be more and more!

Thank you for your kind words, beads... Of course you can sit with me and cry with me... I could do with a good cry

I've had a good day today, as you can see in the SI section, but it's just come down on top of me with a horrible

I'm feeling really, horribly low now... I need to get away for a bit. I need to be with people that care about me, that love me, that want me around... But no-one here does God, what do I do???

beads will be here sitting when you get back........

hug hug hug,

all of us beads

I know what it is like to long for a hug and a good cry....and not know where to turn or who to turn to. I want to be able to not need that hug and to cry because I want to cry. I have cried. A lot. But lately, wanting that hug and support is something I crave. You are not alone.

Here's a big (((((( CYBERHUG )))))) for you. I know it's not the same, but it's genuine. It's with a lot of care. And I need it too....