Ick...I'm terrified...

TPND bead is still her still lissening......
we still care..........
we still here for you.......
saending warm fuzzies and peaceful, thoughts (maybe a good nite's sleep)
your way,
beads

Heh. Ummm. Didn't get the good nights' sleep I'd hoped for so much. sad times.

So today I'm very tired and have a photo shoot to do and yeah. BLAAAAHHHHHH!!

I don't feel so good my stomach's playing s hit with me today GRRRRR and yeah. I'm not in such a good mood. Still p issed off about yesterday and everything else and just feel like they were all laughing at me this morning and talking about me in breakfast club. I HAVE to say something. I couldn't at breakfast club because Mandy was there and wouldn't understand why I'd be saying something.

Thing is, Karis is allowed her scars out... Yeah fair enough they're more faded than mine and not as bad, but still.. She really expects me to wear a JUMPER in the SUN??? Ummm. No. I think she can go shove that idea wherethe sun don't shine. Hmph.

I'm not wearing a jumper just because SHE thinks she's all high and mighty over everyone. Yeah I'm not the most liked person in here, in fact I'm not liked at all. But I'm moving out soon, so ner. They can go f uck themselves for all I care.

Can't you tell I'm angry?

no doubt in bead mind on the anger thing.......we'd says so
would not worry overmuch about not being liked by them peoples where your staying............sounds like maybe they have their own issues to work on and do not need to be holding them over you.........
we hears your anger and the problems its causing ( belly, sleep...) and just want to let you know we are lissening.....
feel free to pm bead iffn you need to vent

beadlady

TPND, why does that girl have the final say?

Because she walked away before I could say anything and I didn't quite catch what she said until it was too late :-/ it's okay, staff here will know about it. She's being kicked out as it is. She appealed against being kicked out, but that will go against her and she'll hopefully get kicked out even quicker. She's had far too many chances just because she's the niece of one of the key support workers here. It's ridiculous.

Shecan give me as many dodgy looks as she likes, but when I get her alone in a corridor, I'll have the last word - not her. I'm sick of everyone else having the last word and not me, it's about time I got the final say! The little bi tch.

I'm in soooo much pain today and so grouchy and if she tries to say anything again to me today, she'll get a screaming match from me. Connor thinks I'll get in a fight with her, but I wouldn't. I said that if she tries to hit me, I'll dodge it and laugh at her because she'll get into trouble, not me, because I won't have done anything wrong. I don't hit people. She threatens it and on rare occasions, she does hit people. Pff. She's all gob and no action. I hate her so much.

She's not getting the final say. NEVARRRRRR!

I didn't mean the last word. What I meant is why does anyone listen to her? She could tell me all day long what to do and I would just walk away and do what I want. Getting into a fight with her would be useless.

I won't get into a fight with her. I'm not violent, or *****y. If she says anything more, I'll just tell her where to go and walk away. People listen to her because she's the bully of the place.

I wrote a status on facebook about how girls where so much slap to feel good about themselves and such when actually they have natural beauty... She came back at me with "Maybe you ought to try it, then you might just look a tad better?!?!?!" Grrrrr. Stupid cow. Just because she's insecure about herself, doesn't mean she has to try to bring me down.

She's so two faced and I hate her. But I won't fight. Never. I hate violence and would never hit anyone unless I was trapped in a corner and couldn't get out without hitting them. Even then I'd hesitate.

Today is NOT a good day. I'm tired, had a text from a friend last nightwho's gone into labour early and is in trouble etc, and this morning I've been really clumsy with breakfast club and such and I just. I'm ill and my stomach's killing me, I've been bad so not allowed to eat, plus I cant' eat because of my stomach hurting anyway. I'm so grumpy today and I hate it, really I do

I wish I could just disappear. I'm sick of being bullied and abused.

(((((((((((((TPND))))))))))))))))))

keep your mind on the hope...............the when you will not have to deal with no more...............follow your dreams and hope willkeep you alive and well!
hang in there.........were still here for you and not going anywaher!

beads

How have you been bad and how does that have anything to do with you being allowed to eat?

I would never say anything to that girl. Totally ignore her..........

I have totally ignored her. She's being kicked out next month anyway, thank God!!!

I have been bad because I have let her get to me and it means I can't eat because I have let her see how fat and ugly and horrible I am :-/ That was never supposed ot happen and now it has and yeah...
I did eat in the end though, but I had to go to the gym today to save there being waaaay too much guilt for me to deal with, because now I've burned off all the calories I ate. Finally. I don't like eating because it hurts now.

I was almost sick after eating earlier, but my ggag reflexes are crap and were like 'nooooo you're not throwing up missy'. Gutted, but I guess... Kinda glad i kept it down because Connor would have got mad if I'd have thrown up

I have the weekend to myself to do whatever I want with it... Monday I will be back in the gym, lifting weights and doing ab work again. I am going to do the ab work every night in my room from now on because I'm sick of having a fat, ugly, flabby stomach. Ughhhh.

I saw a picture of my 'favourite' cousin earlier... My twin has ruined her!!! She wears makeup at he age of... 13 I think? Her hair is like that of a 16 year old and she's got more beautiful of course, not that she could be more beautiful than she was, but she... She just doesn't look like her anymore... It's not fair... She's lost all the podge she had, her face has elongated a little more and her cheeks aren't so pudgy as they used to be, her smile isn't the same, it's like a "I'm a makeup crazed girl now".

All because of my twin. If my twin hadn't convinced her that makeup makes her look a million times better and that losing weight is the best thing ever she'd still be the gorgeous girl I once knew. She'd possibly wear makeup every now and then, but her Mum's just as bad about making her wear makeup and feel insecure about her body shape and the way she looks. Ugh. It makes me sick. I can't let my cousin be treated like I was...

Now she'll never like me again. I love her so much and yet... She probably hates me... She'll probably start to abuse me and stuff if I'm not careful. Why do these things just have to keep happening? All these things to take me back to the abuse I suffered? All these things to get me back down into that spiral? WHY?!?!?!?!

I hate myself for not protecting her, for not showing her that she's beautiful... I knwo I did my best, but... That's not enough *sob* it's happening again.... To someone so much more innocent and naive and no-one will be able to save her like Connor and his family saved me... I hate them, I HATE them, I HATE THEMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't do this...

You have not been bad. I am glad that your therapist is going to be working with you on some of your thoughts like these.........

Me too... It's not fun thinking/feeling that way, but it's what the ED feeds me and I trust that she's right, you know...?

I'm tired. I need sleep. Goodnight people.

Good night, I hope you get a good night's rest............

Mmmm. It was better than it has been.. I got about... 5-6 hours of sleep, which is really good compared to normal. I can function on 4 hours, so between 5 and 6 was pretty damn good.

I'm still feeling tired though, but that's just because my body isn't used to such a good nights' sleep. I'm feeling a bit weak today.. Because of yesterday's gym session and the long walk afterwards. Hm.

Got threatened by Karis last night. Apparently she's going to smash my face in so hard no-one will recognise me. Heh. I dare her to even try. She won't get very far. Not with me having done self defence classes and such. I'm not gonna hurt her. Just make her unable to hit me while I run away. LOL.

I can't be bothered to waste my time and energy on her. She's a low-life who gets enjoyment out of beating other people up and bringing them down to feel as crap as she does. Sigh. She gave me the most threatening look she could this morning and I smiled back at her as though nothing had happened. I've deleted her from FB now, just wish I could delete her from my life!

Heh. I'm feeling a little better today. Was close to an overdose again last night, but again something held me back...

Good Work! I am so glad that you got some sleep!

I got even more sleep last night, after no sleep whatsoever on Saturday night and a prettty exhausting day on Sunday...

Just feel really sick today and have a bad shoulder and weak stomach from throwing up 28 times. Damn bullies. Damn food. Damn everything for causing me to feel the need to OD after holding on for weeks.

I guess it was the fact that I'd held on for so long, even though the urges were incredibly overwhelming, that pushed me to do it even more. I got sick of holding on for what seemed like things to just get worse. Hmmm.

Idk what to do anymore

{{{{{{{{{{{{TPND}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
beads so sorry for all the pain you are having to deal with!!!!!!!!
please know that we are thinking of you today
hang ion there,
beads

I hoped and thought that today would be a good day, considering the sun's shining, I have a new hairstyle, I had an okay sleep and breakfast club was cheerful this morning. But now... My day's just turned crap.

I'm in a bad mood, I'm bored, feel like crying, feel like cutting, feel like starving... Anything to just get rid of all these emotions

I feel terrible, yet... I don't know why... Maybe it's because my twin's being a complete cow at the moment. Maybe it's because I got someone banned from another forum for really screwing up my life, and a lot of others' lives too.. Maybe it's just because today is not my day

I just want to curl up and cry.

Thank you.

I would give a longer reply, but I feel so, so rough at the moment

(((((((((((((((TPND))))))))))))
hoping you feel gooder soon............
maybe you can give yourself a little bit of a break somehow and try and get some rest

hugs,
beads

After coming on here and updating you, that was exactly what I did. I went back to my room, got into bed and snuggled down to rest. I slept for about an hour, had a bad dream and woke up thinking I'd just been chased by a crocodile and had a screaming match with my old college tutor, Kat. Heh. You can see I've been worrying about that! stupid woman.

So yeah... I feel a little better, just a bit peeved at some people here. I got another message from Nancy this morning, despite blocking AND deleting her from msn. She said "you deserve to have an eating disorder, stupid f-cking cow. I hope your obesity causes you to drop dead, you stupid, fat f-cking *****!"

I sat there, gobsmacked. How could ANYONE say that? How could ANYONE deserve to have an eating disorder and call someone like ME obese??? Grrrrrr. Yes, thanks Nancy, I already know I'm fat. But obese? After losing a stone??? No. It makes me sick how people can be like that.

forgive beads for her bluntness, but it sounds to us like this Nancy is one great big NOBODY!
would not be overly concerned with anything she has to say..........like consider the source ya know......
that said, we unnerstands how bad it hurts when someone says mean things and that was VERY mean.......
wishing we could ease your pain somehow
concerned for you,
hugs,
beads

I knwo that she's a nobody, less than a nobody... But as you said... It's hard to ignore it when someone says something so harsh. ED is getting worse and worse as time goes on anyway, without her s--t on top. GRRRR.

I am NOT in a good mood today. I didn't sleep a wink last night, I'm in agony and I feel angry and upset and I don't want to see anyone because everyone I do see is on my back about something, bullying me, pushing me around, making me feel guilty and such and I'm sick of it.

Got my door kicked in last night. Heh. Nice to know I can live here feeling safe and able to sleep without someone trying to kick my door down. I know who it was, but I've asked for CCTV to be checked to see if it was her. It makes me sick. It's pathetic and disgusting behaviour and I don't know how the hell people can be liike it.

I just don't get why I'm so *******ed kind to people when all I get back from them is s--t. I'm sick of it. I hate it. I hate me. I hate it here. I hate them.

I want out.

Some sick people just look for a target. They are not thinking about you. They are only thinking about themselves. So, therefore, they are not thinking that you are nice and shouldn't be a target. I think that it is good that you keep the high ground and don't stoop to their level. Too bad that you have to be around these people................