[Tmac]

You love someone b\c they r blood but you hate them for what they did to you. They get sick and you wish them dead. things i did friday and now my brothers dead and feel guilty for hating him and wishing him dead. I do not think i am strong enough to make it through this.

[Kiya]

(((((((((TMac)))))))))

I will believe for you that you are strong enough to get through. It is not your fault. It is NOT your fault. One step at a time ok? It is NOT your fault. I'm so sorry you have to go through this - all of this. I am pretty sure you're not alone in what you're dealing with - keep reaching out. You'll get through. THinking about you and sending warm thoughts. Sitting with you. Kiya

[Pomegranate]

Tmac

You loved your brother. Then he did what he did and that changed your relationship with him forever. I was absued by an uncle and my brother as a child. My uncle died and the only thing I felt was glad. He wasn't a blood relative and he was a predator.

With my brother, well I have recently decided to cut off contact with him and his family. My feelings for him are more complicated. Like you I hate what he did and how it changed and hurt me. One of the ways it changed and hurt me was by wrecking our relationship. So there is a part of me that still feels the love I had for him as the little sister BEFORE it happened. Then there is the anger and hurt for what happened and everything that came after - none of which was my fault, or yours.

Your confusion in your feelings is because of what he did. That doesn't mean you didn't love him. Your feelings of grief and sorrow over his death are valid. As are your feelings of wanting him dead for all the pain and anger he's caused you. Give yourself permission to feel ALL your feelings, even when they seem contradictory. It's his fault you are feeling this way. It's okay to love him and hate him, he brought that on himself by his actions. Don't take it our on yourself.

Originally Posted by Tmac

You love someone b\c they r blood but you hate them for what they did to you. They get sick and you wish them dead. things i did friday and now my brothers dead and feel guilty for hating him and wishing him dead. I do not think i am strong enough to make it through this.

Hi Tmac,

Sometimes we are not where we would like to be when our abuser dies.

I think Pomagrante expresses what I feel now about my father . That came long after he died . Its to be worked toward . Forgiveness and remembering that there were good times. It will come . And its easier to do when they are gone.

When My father died from complications of ten years with partail paralisis from a stroke , I was in the begginings of facing the beatings and the sexual trauma that my mother or brother did not know about. If they did they kept it from me.

I had repressed it. When I saw my father laying there I felt nothing for him . I at last could tell him while I was alone in the veiwing parlor room with him . because he could no longer physically or mentally hurt me . It was scary it was being alone with him even though he was dead he had that much power over me.

so torn between the man I loved . I loved my father I did . I needed him to love me too . so much so I had to hide from myself the truth that his love was so dyfunctional so sick .

I don't think he had what I woud call the love of a father for a daughter .

I always feared him . And after his death that fear still grabbed hold because I feared meeting him again in heaven . what would I do what would I say?

there is nothing I need to say . its his turn to do all the talking all the amend making . all of it I already took care of mine I made my amends to him three years befor he died .

I have also made amends to my brother. and like my father not a peep from him amend wise .
I have already shored myself for what I know my brother will do when he dies.

he will leave the house he owns thats partially mine to someone else just to hurt me one more time .
I hope I die befor he does I really do .

in fact Its probbaly better I not even know hes gone .

Good luck with the funeral . And I'm sorry your brother didn't try to make his amends to you befor he past.

Patricia

[Beholden]

Hellow Tmac

I am thinking about you to be strong. You can make it, even in your world of hurting. I am grateful that I have someone to pray for. Ty Tmac for sharing.

[adii]

It is so different for everyone. I wished my parents were dead many times. But, yes I grieved, not for them... but for the parents I should have had. I guess I still do at times. The pain does ease though.

I know that some people can forgive. I cannot, and as sick as it may sound I find peace in knowing that they can harm no more.

Take care.

[miray]

(((((((((Tmac))))))))) I'm very sorry you are going through all this...but it is definintely not your fault. Pomegranate said it very well. I felt the exact same way when my abuser got sick and did till the day he died and even still today. Parts of me will always love him and parts of me will always hate him...but most of me just doesn't feel anything at all for him. He isn't worth it to me. No matter what....you didn't cause any of this...it was all him and don't forget that. You are strong enough to make it through this!

[Asylum Crew]

sorry you are going through this you are in my thoughts
REI