[RACEKA]

Does anyone just feel hateful inside? I have so much hate inside of me it hurts. I hate my mom abuser and she's dead so then I get the guilt feelings.

My T wants me to journal about this hate this week and we're going to talk about it next session. I started writing and didn't realize there was so much hate inside me that it just tore me up writing. Had to stop.

This hate is totally isolating me. I don't want to be around anyone because I feel so mean inside. Outside everyone thinks I'm always happy. In my head I pick on people. I get irritated around happy people. Especially at work when they are laughing and talking about their family life.

I'm so miserable inside. I don't know how to really feel happy. This is the first I really started feeling anything.

I just want to feel good. I have doubts.

[Pomegranate]

Hi Raceka,

Anger and hate are part of healing. You said this is the first time you are feeling anything, so it's no surprise it's these strong negative feelings that pop out first, especially after being abused.

The only way through these mean, angry, hateful feelings is THROUGH them. You have to feel them and learn how to deal with them as best you can, (your therapist will help you with this) until you get to the next phase of the healing process.

I have found that the healing process of mental health issues are like the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The process seems to continue througout my life, but at different levels and about different things. But it gets easier as time goes on and the emotions aren't as intense.

But yes I went through a period of intense anger and hate towards almost everyone around me. Even, just as you described, people I didn't know but who were talking and laughing about their lives. I was hurting, in major depression, watching and listening to other happy people did not make me feel any better. I think your therapists advice to journal is a good one. I've found journaling helpful at different periods in my life. The anger and hate feelings will lessen.

[knothead]

Hey Raceka!

I don't have much to say, Pomegranate's answer was really great and was said perfectly. I think a lot of people, especially women, are filled with rage that just bubbles to the surface occasionally. I find myself apologizing to friends sometimes for acting "snippy" with them, only to find out that my so-called outbursts were all in my head; I was pleasant with them in reality.

You mentioned the anger/guilt feelings toward your mother. It's horrible, isn't it? I have the same conflicting emotions about my mom -- it never stops. If you ever want to PM me and talk those feelings out then you just go ahead - maybe we could help each other.

[Sannah]

Raceka, you are doing the right things to get better. I am sorry that it hurts, though! Let us support you on your journey.

[RACEKA]

Thanks for all of your comments. They all helped. At least I know I'm not alone. It's ok to feel like this.

[Elysium]

~ RACEKA...

I went through DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and one thing we learned about anger and hate were that they are what is known as secondary emotions. Primary emotions are like happiness, disgust, fear, sadness. More often than not, our 2ndary emotions follow the primary ones, and act as a protective defense against the primaries, thus protecting us from pain and sadness. This might be something for you to think on a bit and see if it makes sense to you and your situation.

Another thing I'd like to point out....I have come to realize, in myself, that I too have a great hateness in me towards my abuser(s). It makes me sick inside how much hate and hostility that I have inside me. But, I have come to know, that in order to have the ability to hate to such an extreme, one must also have the ability to love to that same extreme. They both need to be present, so that they may balance eachother out. So, even though you hate much, just remember that inside you is the most tremendous capacity to love!!

I don't know if this helps...but I hope it does!!

[RACEKA]

Thanks, it helped a lot.

[chaotic13]

Writing about it and getting it out in a safe non-violent way is good. I found in my journey my hate was directed at the child (me). I hated her for the mess she got herself into, the way she treated others afterwards, the poor decision she made, how she messed up my adult life and allow her crap to morph and grow and infect all aspects of other relationships. Slowly I've been able to remember more of what she experienced and..understand more of what it was really like. The hate is dissipating. This is what therapy does I guess.