[jexa]

I hadn't thought about it in a long, long time.. I thought I was over it, since the last couple of times I talked about it, I felt fine. I've been through this in therapy - over and over again I've processed the past. I thought my skin had grown thick, that my memories could no longer touch me.

All the sudden things are coming back. Just last night, it started coming back, like a huge flood. Why? Where did this come from? The guilt, the sadness... Wondering if I shouldn't have reported him, if what he did wasn't "really that bad." Maybe it wasn't. It wasn't extreme, like others have experienced. Just shameful. All these thoughts, like I could have been strong enough to handle it on my own, and then there wouldn't be this mess. If I had just told him no. Feeling guilty that it tore my family apart. Feeling guilty that I haven't spoken to my grandma in years because of what he did. She is not to blame, but I can't speak to her.

And the other things, too, because he is not the only one who wronged me this way. Those things, too, coming back up. Like vomit rising, a flood in my brain. And then, "Why are you so upset? Other people have been through so much worse. Get over yourself."

I'm supposed to be working right now but I can't focus at all. I thought I was over this.

[reg12]

Hello jexa,
Sorry that you are having a hard time. We think we have it under control and put away, but it is not that easy to do. Something will start the memories again. The guilt, the sadness and the pain come flying back. Try not to worry about should i have done this or that. I know you want to blame yourself for everything, but you are the survivior here. They had the control, not you. I do understand why you are having problems like with grandma.

Others do not know how you feel or how what happened changed your life, so that is why they can say it is so easy to get past this. The same event usually does cause different individuals not to react the same. If others expect us all to do the same thing they are wrong. Not going to happen. If you need anything please let me know.

[sabby]

Hi Jexa,

I'm very sorry these memories are flooding back to you again. Something very subtle could have triggered those memories. Also, there may still be work to be done with them as well.

I've found over the years that I processed different things at different times with my memories. Each time, I was able to get peace for awhile until there was another part of those memories that I was supposed to process. In other words, I had learned something that needed to be used in processing the memories. It wasn't always easy to figure out at the time, but I did get through it.

I hope that all made sense.....and I hope you will find some peace again very soon. Survivors we are....no guilt allowed here!!


sabby

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by jexa

I thought I was over it, since the last couple of times I talked about it, I felt fine.

Are you vulnerable now for some reason?

I thought my skin had grown thick, that my memories could no longer touch me.

Your memories are inside of the skin though!

The guilt, the sadness... Wondering if I shouldn't have reported him, if what he did wasn't "really that bad." Maybe it wasn't. It wasn't extreme, like others have experienced. Just shameful. All these thoughts, like I could have been strong enough to handle it on my own, and then there wouldn't be this mess. If I had just told him no. Feeling guilty that it tore my family apart. Feeling guilty that I haven't spoken to my grandma in years because of what he did. She is not to blame, but I can't speak to her.

This sounds like you didn't work through this stuff.......

"Why are you so upset? Other people have been through so much worse. Get over yourself."

These statements are just wrong!

..........

[jexa]

Originally Posted by Sannah

..........

So. I've talked and talked and talked about what happened, to therapists, but.. maybe it's coming back up because.. my parents still don't believe that what I said was the truth. And neither does my grandmother. And I can't really change what they think (since there's no evidence), nor do I want to try anymore. Therapists have told me that what happened wasn't my fault, that what he did was wrong, etc.. and I can agree with "head sense" but it doesn't really feel that way and I've been sinking back into these thoughts because I've been thinking, well, therapists have to tell you things that make you feel better. But that doesn't mean they're true.

Maybe I am still confused.

We all haven't talked about this in a long time. Many years. And I haven't talked to a therapist about this since I was 16. I'm 22.

[reg12]

The memories happen when ever they want to. Guilt, shame and thinking it is somehow your fault can all be normal feelings and ideas when these things happen. The therapist is tell you the right things, but the problem is that you just can not change easily the way you think. It is very hard to do, even though it makes perfect sense. Things that we learn in the past, make us who we are today. When young children are taught adult things it makes a severe impact on them. Your very core way of living and thinking is what must be changed. This is why it is so hard to just get over it and causes the confusion. If you can overcome this while you are young, the you will save yourself many years of headaches and heartaches. Keep searching like you are doing. You will find that it will help.

[Sannah]

Working through it intellectually doesn't change anything. You have to work through it on an emotional level.

[jexa]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Working through it intellectually doesn't change anything. You have to work through it on an emotional level.

But I've been to so many different therapists (not just intellectualizers) and have cried about this and looked at this and gone over it in so many different ways. And yet I don't see myself getting over it. I just don't see this as possible! Where's the evidence that this is possible?

[reg12]

It's possible. I know people that have gotten better.

Originally Posted by jexa

But I've been to so many different therapists (not just intellectualizers) and have cried about this and looked at this and gone over it in so many different ways. And yet I don't see myself getting over it. I just don't see this as possible! Where's the evidence that this is possible?