[anniepickle]

I married an older man (16 years older to be exact). I love him dearly and don't want to think of life without him with me. It seems that our main problem is lack of intimacy in our relationship. Not just love making either. We seem to be floating though our marriage right now and I am having a really tough time not thinking of other men. I don't want to cheat on my husband. We have been to some therapy but in our small town it has been difficult to see our therapist together due to scheduling issues with us and her. He knows that I am frustrated and seems to avoid the conversation at all costs.

suggestions?...ideas?

thanks
angie

[addipaddi]

i cant give any advice im sorry, but this sounds exactly like me and my partner, but we are not even married !!

[cutebagaddict08]

My husband and I are going through something similiar. My husband and I try to talk about the issue, sometimes it helps, sometimes we end up fighting because of it. and I have a low sex drive associated with possibly the PMDD and the birth controls I was on.
I can relate it is very frustrating. Have you tried going to therapy yourself and finding out your feelings on the subject with out your husband's input?

[salukigirl]

I think the main issue isn't about sex or whatever you describe as intimacy. You hit the nail on the head when you said he avoids conversation about it at all costs. That IS him pulling away from you and intimacy with you.

I recommend reading a book called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" by Mira Kirschenbaum.

It sounds like you are in what she calls a state of relationship ambivalence. You don't want to leave but nothing is really changing to make it worth your while to stay. Him flat out refusing to talk about something you feel strongly about is what she calls 'off the table-itis' because whatever you want, he takes off the table with no way of getting that need met. In your case it's not only communication and talking but also physical intimacy. She calls that as one major reason to leave a relationship because if you can't talk you are not getting your needs met. That is disrespectful of him and him being emotionally and physically cold.

[shacoria]

Was it like this before you got married? if so, then why even get married? Now you're married and stuck with each other so you have to figure out something. I would suggest a therapist.

[Perna]

If he's that much older, he may be having male problems and be embarrassed to discuss them with you? I would work on "cuddling" and find non threatening ways to just make him feel good. My husband and I have a step thing When I stand on a single step, he and I are at exactly the right height for a wonderful hug so all he has to say is, "Assume the position!" or I will run and jump up on a step and he knows to come to me; it's a game of sorts, who will find "the" step and how fast the other will catch on.

My husband also has a bad, almost always painful foot he cut as a teenager and massaging it helps (a glass bottle severed micronerves in the arch and he almost didn't walk again) so we "trade" and I'll rub his foot if he'll read aloud to me or what a TV show of my choice (we don't have exactly the same tastes in shows).

Find some way to just touch him more often and be "friendly". My husband always thanks me for making dinner, no matter what I serve or how he liked it! Do something like that, thank him for some care/chore he does, whether balancing books/being a good provider or taking the trash out, etc. Get more physically comfortable with each other again and that might help with conversations. My husband and I are always talking and joking and trying to share bits of our day even though we're retired and usually sitting, each at our own computer, ten feet away

[racee]

i went through a time with my partner where our sex lives was non existant...but it was on my part! i didn't realize how bad it was or that i was even doing it. i guess after a month and half my partner let me know by asking me whats wrong and how i don't even touch him anymore..i told him that i do i tell him that i say i love yu all the time too. he said no, not anymore (i tend to overuse the word i love you...too many experiences in life where i have lost close friends and never shared my feelings) and it's been ------long . i said he was paranoid nothings wrong with me leave me alone. i went oon like this for half a year when he finally broke down and said i needed to do something, he couldn't take it any longer that was his breaking point i guess....
i found out it was a cross between my medications and mirena that was making me so non participative. and constant pain but i have always had that.

there was a time a little after a year where we questioned our relationship as well, and intimacy was tottaly out of the question, hard to be with someone when you are unsure about them. we have been through a lot together and worked things out, but unfortunatley you need the other person to communicate with you in oreder to do so and the unfortunatley part is thats where relationships dissolve is non communication (easier said than done)
the best approach i personally think when it comes to this subject is to be straightforward...LOok this is what i have been noticing and I need "this" in our relationship I need the connection, I need to feel loved, I don't know whats going on and you won't tell me, so please either talk with me or find someone to talk to. make it all about you how I NEED....just a thought! hopefully i have said something that you can use

[anniepickle]

Thank you for the continued responses.

We have not always been like this. I would not have gone ahead and married him if we were having trouble before we got married. We have started seeing a theripist and so far so good. He has started to talk some on these topics that in the past he just wouldn't talk about. As long as I am seeing effort to make things better then I will be content. Even though I know that divorce is a very common occurance I do not want to get divorced ever. Yes these are problems that some people get divorced over. I choose to work on my marriage and work with my husband to make our marriage what we both need. As long as both of us are willing to work on it than it will be worth every minute of therapy, tear and frustration.

Thanks again everyone
Angie

[wishinicouldbe]

I feel the same as you do....my hubby and i are 13 years apart-it sucks, and i think no sex is the main issue for my mood swings

[Sad_Spouse]

Originally Posted by anniepickle

I married an older man (16 years older to be exact). I love him dearly and don't want to think of life without him with me. It seems that our main problem is lack of intimacy in our relationship. Not just love making either. We seem to be floating though our marriage right now and I am having a really tough time not thinking of other men. I don't want to cheat on my husband. We have been to some therapy but in our small town it has been difficult to see our therapist together due to scheduling issues with us and her. He knows that I am frustrated and seems to avoid the conversation at all costs.

suggestions?...ideas?

thanks
angie

Hi Angie -

My husband is 7 yrs younger than me and that, as it turns out, is no guarantee of a happy sex life. Things were amazing in the beginning but he has an addiction issue and I have a trauma hx - neither hugely serious as some people have, but enough that eventually something surfaced in the marriage and we were not sexually intimate for a year.

Then it took probably another three or four years to start getting things back on track again - at first we didn't talk about it at all and then periodically after that first "reboot" year we would talk about wanting to add sex back into our relationship - on all other fronts things were great - we were really good friends, good companions, loved each other dearly, lots of hugs and kisses, just not very much sex.

In the past couple years, things started to get pretty darn good again. We felt more relaxed with each other and I know that I really desired him and I think he desired me as well, but then all of a sudden at the beginning of this year, he stopped being able to orgasm and after that he stopped wanting to have sex completely.

Very frustrating for me b/c I wanted him more than ever. I now realize that was probably one of the early signs of his now quite severe depression.

He's only 43 and I am 50 now. I feel like we were just finally getting a fully rounded marriage again and he suddenly changed his mind or something (yes I realize he's depressed) but's also withdrawn basically all other affection as well.

I figure it will be at least a year before he is well again as he has only just started treatment - one of my big questions is will he love me again?

I think every marriage has some sort of major issue/cross to bear. "They" say that withdrawal of intimacy is merely symptomatic of some bigger issue in the relationship. For my experience, I'd have to agree with that at this point in my marriage (10 1/2 yrs in).

I really hope you can get some help in therapy so that the two of you can reconnect - maybe it's as someone else posted and it's a physical issue that he's afraid to talk about b/c he's afraid of losing you, his beloved and much younger bride - Good luck to you.

SS

[Michah]

Originally Posted by Perna

If he's that much older, he may be having male problems and be embarrassed to discuss them with you? I would work on "cuddling" and find non threatening ways to just make him feel good. My husband and I have a step thing When I stand on a single step, he and I are at exactly the right height for a wonderful hug so all he has to say is, "Assume the position!" or I will run and jump up on a step and he knows to come to me; it's a game of sorts, who will find "the" step and how fast the other will catch on.

My husband also has a bad, almost always painful foot he cut as a teenager and massaging it helps (a glass bottle severed micronerves in the arch and he almost didn't walk again) so we "trade" and I'll rub his foot if he'll read aloud to me or what a TV show of my choice (we don't have exactly the same tastes in shows).

Find some way to just touch him more often and be "friendly". My husband always thanks me for making dinner, no matter what I serve or how he liked it! Do something like that, thank him for some care/chore he does, whether balancing books/being a good provider or taking the trash out, etc. Get more physically comfortable with each other again and that might help with conversations. My husband and I are always talking and joking and trying to share bits of our day even though we're retired and usually sitting, each at our own computer, ten feet away

Thats really nice Perna Warm fuzzies

Michah

[Michah]

Angie, take care dear one. My heart goes out to you. I am having issues as well (I went in to perimenopause at 31. Bye bye testosterone as well as oestrogen). I said to my fiance once "I almost can say that I understand erectile dysfunction. No matter how much I might "think" about it, I just can't seem to 'get it up'". Sorry for being explicit, but it was the only thing I could ever use to explain it. My doctor and I are working on ways to improve it. It is a very slow and painful process.

My man and I try to talk about it and we are better at it now, but it does still make me defensive. I was always a very "driven" person and now I just feel like a mere shadow of my former self. I used to have testosterone levels much higher than the average female, so not having it is very sad for me. Much guilt associated with it. The things I find hard when we talk about it, is that intimacy has gone as well. I mean, I have never really been an affectionate person anyway, but this is a new level of alarming. I can go months without even thinking about hugging or touching. It just never crosses my mind so I ahve to remind myself. I cook instead That is my way of showing care and affection.

Big hugs and best of luck trying to come to a resolution of sorts....

Michah

[PleaseHelp]

OK. Now I don't feel so bad. My guy is 10 years older than me. We aren't married, but have been together almost 4 years. Sometimes I feel like it's me, b/c he doesn't seem to be in the mood much. Thanks for the words of advice. Angie, I'm glad therapy seems to be helping. Good luck.

[sugahorse1]

My boyfriend of 5 years is 13 years older than me. We've had these quiet patches too. It becomes very important to realise when this is happening, and talk about it. Be careful to time the conversation well. Both of you need to discuss your wants, needs and desires.
If there's true love in a relationship, both parties will be striving to make the other happy, and they will listen intently to the conversation.
I'm glad you've both decided to go to therapy - that's a great step forwards!

[BoldMeister]

I think it's time to cut and run. Honestly. What good is it to have a relationship which leaves you unfulfilled? And you've talked about it many, many times, to no avail.

Announce you'll be leaving and set a date. Watch his reaction. If he doesn't do much of anything, then you had NO RELATIONSHIP worth saving anyway.

Nobody is going to live forever. And there's no prize at the end of your life for enduring a crappy marriage. It's time we all start recognizing we won't live to be 150.

[littlebitlost]

My husband is 2 WEEKS older than me, so as said above, no guarantee of a good married sex life!

I find that he has trouble talking about things with you the most troubling. How can anything get better if he wont even talk about it.

I would tell him how important intimacy is to you. And sex. Make sure he knows the difference! LOL And tell him sometimes you just need to be held, touched, and to feel loved and that you really need a cuddle. And that you need it from him.

Or when you're both in bed and it's not really Sleep Time, say I don't really feel like sex, unless you wanna change my mind, but I need some snuggling.

GL!