confused/troubled about sexual encounter

I believe it started in October 2009 when my (then)husband turned 21 and his drinking became excessive. As a Christian, I do not condone alcohol use and it really hurt me to see him drinking so much and always being drunk. His "friend" came over a lot in those days and comforted me and kept my husband from messing himself up. This "friend" behaved inappropriately toward me and I kept allowing him to go farther and a couple weeks later he came over and had sex with me.
Because of how horrible this all made me feel, the details are quite foggy but I've always struggled with whether this was consensual sex or whether it was similar to rape. I mean, I let him but I never wanted to do it.
Someone else I confided in told me this was called emotional rape.

Please help me figure it out.

You have the responsibility to stand up for your wishes, your values, your standards, and to keep yourself out of situations that compromise what you believe is right. How able you were to say something, do something, change the situation, etc. we can't judge. It is between you and God and maybe the others involved in those situations.

Towards the end of my marriage, I allowed my husband to do things that I did not want to do, and even though I didn't tell him no, it affected me as if he raped me. I was emotionally paralyzed afterward, and there was long-term damage to my mood, my mental health, and repercussions into my career, etc. I have been told that it was not actually rape, because I didn't say no, and some of the responsibility for it does fall on me. Growing a backbone is essential if we are going to be successful in life and be emotionally healthy. We can't change the past, and we can't change other people. The only thing we can control is ourselves.

I understand the pain and the confusion. They are real, and must be worked through. That kind of hurt almost always requires help (therapy, religious authority, as appropriate). We need to heal from what was done to us. We also need to take responsibility for what is ours, learn from it, and make changes so that we don't allow people to hurt us anymore.

Im really sorry you are going through a rough time! I hope you will be able to forgive your self for the mistake.

Your wording above worries me a little. The actual event of sleeping with your husbands friend is obviously emotionally trying for you but, if you continue to view it as an "assault" of sorts, you will likely further your own emotional damage. Even if he did take advantage of you, which is likely, you do not need to allow him to continue to do so in your memories.

Take charge of the situation and don't become a victim. Use this as a learning experience and move forward. Maybe see if you can talk to a therapist to discuss how to better protect your self and verbalize your emotions.

hugs and best wishes,
Blue

Good for telling...strength to you as you work through this, hopefully with a counsellor. Alcoholism affects so many people...please get some real help, not the kind of co-dependent (stuff) you received from your husband's friend. Its a mess really...and sure enough there is the disease of alcoholism, at its best, destroying relationships in its destructive path!

Unfortunately, in the eyes of the law, it probably wouldn't constitute rape. However, you feel taken advantage of and your feelings are always valid. The best thing for you to do is to realize this is not your fault. I would highly suggest counseling to help you figure out how to compartmentalize your feelings and be able to use this as a learning experience and a way to become stronger from it. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I really hope you can learn to process these feelings and accept them and use them to your advantage. You have gone through something very traumatizing and are NOT a victim. A victim doesn't survive. YOU are a survivor and THAT is something to be proud of. You have taken the initiative to change these feelings and get over them. That is more than a lot of people do after events like this. I hope you can see your strengths through all of this.