My self-esteem drops beccause my husband watches porn

I am 43 & have been with my husband since i was 21. I was attractive, he was attractive...he was always HOT for me. Now, 22 years later, neither one of us is the person we were. I'm still an attractive...43 year old woman...but my husband watching porn makes me feel inadequate...especially since he has said hurtful thing s during arguments, like how im fat & old & undesirable. Well, we know what those porn stars look like...young & thin...young. I feel so heart broken. Last ight he surfed porn on his cell phone in the bed next to me for a couple of hours before trying to have sex with me.

I don't associate how I look to being desired by my husband anymore; as you implied, my husband isn't in any better shape than I am? We're both obese, he's bald, belches and farts to much :-) etc.

Men are wired differently and the visual is important to their sexual arousal. Given that sex feels good and my husband and I are in our 60's, good luck on his looking at me and being visually stimulated! Maybe this article will help you a bit:

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/03/16/he...ted=all&src=pm

My husband is enough of a gentleman, caring about my feelings to watch his Playboy videos, look at his lingerie magazines when I'm not around, doesn't surf the Web for porn (we have our own computers; I wouldn't mind but he isn't that insecure himself, needing sex for stress relief or otherwise to "need" to spend additional time looking for it?).

Have you all discussed porn and what he gets from it and what you'd like, etc.? I am my husband's second wife and his first was very against his Playboys and being interested in lingerie, etc. and I know it was a great relief to him but took him a long time to adjust to my "interest" in what interested him and being accepting of it rather than condemning him for it. They are different than us in how they are aroused but that does not mean they do not like us :-) as their wives and sexual partners.

If I were you, I'd feel a little sorry for him that he had to surf porn on his cell phone for a couple hours before he could actually get to where he could have sex with a person? He's the one who has a problem, not you!

I personally think watching porn is disrespectful to a spouse and inappropriate in a marriage. It creates unrealistic expectations and distorts what sex should be. It also encourages objectification and violence towards women. If he won't stop the best you can do I guess is tell him it hurts your feelings and you'd appreciate if he does it when you are not around and never talks about it.

(((Lily2)))

That is SO sad to me!

I am extremely insecure about myself and I haven't ever been able to oblige a man to enjoy his magazine/s and porn movies. I just...cannot accept that. I have always been pretty darn upfront about my feelings on this issue, because I am so passionate about it.

My ex-hub and myself did work with a sex therapist several years after we married, which did help for awhile. Have you tried doing that together to make sex more enjoyable for both of you? It does kind of open doors and remind both partners of the other's needs and desire.

Best wishes and gentle hugs sent your way

I'm sorry that you find your husband porn interest hurtful. In my experience and through talk with friends on the topic i've reached a few 'opinions'. Men in general need some visual stimulation to get aroused, where as women are far more inclined to imagine a whole romantic scenario. Your husband finding porn arousing is not a bad thing, he's not hiding it from you in fact bringing it in to bed while next to you, may have been an attemp to share something with you. Men as we all know find it hard to communicate so what you have seen as a insult may just been his attemp to open up a discussion. I think Brad Pitt is fit and have often said in gest i wouldn't kick him out of bed, but that does not mean i love my other half any less, or that i don't find him sexually attractive Please try not to condem your husbands sexual tastes it will only breed more disharmony and usually ends up with sneaking around and hiding things.

Sounds like your self esteem dropped because he told you that you are fat, old and undesirable. That would make anyone feet inadequate.
Surfing porn is just pouring salt on an open wound.
It stinks that he told you that! I bet he doesn't look exactly the same as when he was in his 20's either.

I agree, does he think he's still so hot as a 20's something guy (or still has that stamina)? I hope he's apologized for calling you names.

If he knows it bothers you, and still does it in front of you, that's horrible passive agressive behavior, and then to expect sex from you after that. Childish! I'm really sorry your husband's like this to you.

If he was wanting to have you join in watching, he would do right to compliment you, romance you, ask you if this or that turns you, if there's some porn you'd want to watch with him.

I wonder what the true motive is in laying in bed next to you watching the porn.

I know EXACTLY how you feel OP. It has affected me so badly that now I have zero sex drive & now I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I developed high anxiety to the point of lossing my job. I obsessively go to the gym everyday now. If he isn't watching it now its only because he works from home and I always there. But you can sure bet that as soon as I go to gym he is hoping on and watching it despite what it does to me. We have talked, argued, fought, tried to find compromises and I have cried till there were just no more tears and I am on 4 different medications now. This still will not stop them. Men do this to us and we have no choice but to live with the pain of it. They tell us it is OUR problem and that we need to just learn how to deal with it. I know he watches it when I leave the house even though he makes it seem like to me that he doesn't. Im not stupid I know. But I stopped letting him know that I know because it just brings about epic fights which only worsen the conditions I have developed. The last big one sent me to the hospital for 3 days because of the tremendous breakdown I had. I love him very much and he swears he loves me too and says this is a thing that men just simply can not stop. That its impossible for them to and that we women need to come to terms with it. I wish I could come to terms with it as easily as some women tell me they do. It is destroying me. I have tried to get help but nothing is helping. Now I just pray to someday become numb because then i won't care and the problem will cease to exist. I think for women like us that maybe our only hope to end our pain because im told that till it doesn't bother us anymore, it doesn't matter who we are with every one of them will hurt us in this way.

Most men watch porn. It is just part of life. Most men seem to have a high sex drive and I think it stems from prehistoric times, where men could reproduce and women have to wait 9 + months. During that time, men can continually reproduce. While women can't. In addition, women need emotional support stimulation where men just like to look at boobs.

What an insensitive jerk! You don't deserve to be disrespected and treated like that. I'm not anti-porn, but I understand feeling inadequate when compared to it. How would he feel if you were looking at women's porn? Hot, young, sexy men, maybe even naked! And how would he feel if you compared him to them? I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling like this. He has no business making you feel like crap.

By the way, I'm 45, so I am close to your age. I have self-esteem issues, too.

yes, i struggle w this too, tho at one time i didn't care, when he was plenty interested in me. Good luck, I know it's hard!

great info and viewpoints, Perna!

Sorry bout all this, but most importantly, be careful and consider that violence issue, and health issue? A major concern, I would think!

Sadie, I think you are so right about this, and it didn't threaten me in the least, when I was younger, very attractive, and in good health. A little harder to deal with now. But he's aging, too. Anyway, good way to put it into perspective. And I noticed men need variety in more ways, too, tho not necessarily in sexual partners. . . .

When we were both very young, and early in relationship, I think that kind of thing would have gotten to him. But later on, and that too, it has been quite a while also--didn't seem to bother him any, in fact, he appeared rather intrigued by it all!!!

Yes this. There's nothing wrong in married men watching porn as long as it's not any illegal ****. What is wrong is calling the OP fat, old and undesireable. That to me would be a bigger issue then the porn, the fact that he thinks it's okay to speak to his wife like this.

yes, totally agreed. Personally never minded this in nearly a quarter century of marriage. Just problematic only recently when I felt him turning away from me, some of it his getting older, and other reasons, other issues, another story for another time, some my fault or issues, some not. But generally, I agree with your comments and it helped me to put things into perspective! Thanks!

Buy Gottman's 'What Makes Love Last" and read the section on porn. Give it to him to read. Suggest to him that another man that watched porn read this, saw the degree of pain it was causing his wife, and stopped.

appreciate that, RD. I will check that out. I do notice that now and then, when I go all out, w appearance, food, house, attitude, technique etc., especially when I vary something here and there, he responds usually very well and says it's much better than porn. But I can't possibly keep this up on a consistent basis, maybe weekly, or little changes now and then! Thanks, I'll check out the book!

I am with people who suggest that it is not "My self-esteem drops beccause my husband watches porn" but "My self-esteem drops beccause my husband says hurtful things".

but rather intrigued is not a bad thing; i would at least try the approach Maven suggested - it cannot hurt, for sure.