[BDPpartner]

I'm trying to work out whether I am still sure that not being a mum is what I really want still. I'm concerned that I will live to regret it My partner is older than me and I moved away from my family and friends to be with him. I have now become very aware that in later life I may face life alone, I have an elderly relative who regrets not having a child, despite remarrying she feels very lonely.

Anyone have regrets or perhaps at peace with such a decision ?

[bluekoi]

BDPpartner, I'm 51 and do not have children. I knew by the age of 18 that I would never have children. I am happy with my life. I cannot say how I will feel when I am older.

[BDPpartner]

I have never worn the rose coloured spec's that friends have with regards to the sacrifice that is required and have always considered myself to selfish for motherhood. ( getting up and down in the night, putting their needs and well being first even if you feel like death warmed up) But am I just so cynical I don't look past the negative ?

I feel warm and fuzzy when I hold a baby and I do enjoy spending time with other people's kids but I just don't know if my less than certain resolve is mother nature's way of ensuring I do what my body is engineered for !

[regretful]

My wife and I have one child; she had a miscarriage when our child was four. I really regret that we did not have more children. It's been worth the sacrifice.

[allme]

Hi, I am 33 and have never wanted children nor do I plan on ever having them. You can't let the idea of regretting it later be a reason to doubt your decision. All you can do is do what is right for you at this time and when you are older, whether you regret it or not, you will know it was right for you to make that decision at that time.

I really think more ppl should think twice before having children, the world is over populated as it is!

[Shmooey]

I had a tubal ligation at 22, have no children, and never regret it for a second.

[BDPpartner]

It's good to know that there are women who have made the decision that was right for them and not regretted it down the line.

I don't think I'd have questioned my decision so much if my other half hadn't been trying to dig out my feels towards the issue for the last 4 or more months with slightly less subtle tactics than a sledge hammer. Quizzing me about baby names and talking about knocking me up.

Grrr still none the wiser !

[unaluna]

I regret it in the sense that i wish i had gotten my stuff together sooner. So kids arent the only experience i regret not having in life. So where i go from here - im not sure.

[music junkie]

Originally Posted by BDPpartner

I have never worn the rose coloured spec's that friends have with regards to the sacrifice that is required and have always considered myself to selfish for motherhood. ( getting up and down in the night, putting their needs and well being first even if you feel like death warmed up)

This is me, perfectly. I really am too selfish, & I don't kid myself about it. A child shouldn't have to suffer because I did what I thought society wanted me to do, even if I knew I shouldn't be doing it. So no, I don't have kids, & I don't plan on having any. I'm only 34. Will my opinion change in the future? Perhaps. I can always adopt. But for now, no, not a chance. I don't really like children.

[AliceinWonderland7]

Originally Posted by BDPpartner

I'm trying to work out whether I am still sure that not being a mum is what I really want still. I'm concerned that I will live to regret it My partner is older than me and I moved away from my family and friends to be with him. I have now become very aware that in later life I may face life alone, I have an elderly relative who regrets not having a child, despite remarrying she feels very lonely.

Anyone have regrets or perhaps at peace with such a decision ?

I knew I didn't want to have children when I was a child. I didn't care much for my peers and was sort of forced to take on more of an adult attitude due to my family situation. I always found kids kind of obnoxious. I love dogs. Dogs are sweet, loving, and fill me with joy when I'm near them (just wish they lived longer.) So no, I don't regret not having kids it's one of the best decisions I've ever made.

[BDPpartner]

Thanks to everyone for all your views

[Fresia]

I can and do live with the regret of not having had children and missing out on those experiences, but I cannot live with the regret that would have come from the neglect and/or harm that would have come to them due to my illness.

[Jenni855]

I am almost 29, work in childcare and love children but I worry everyday that I still don't know for sure whether I want kids or not.

[Jolisse]

I don't have children and I'm happy with my decision.

[BDPpartner]

I guess it's a symptom of the modern world It wasn't that long ago that women really had few options other than marriage and motherhood.

[ifst5]

But if we look at this more closely, having children doesn't necessarily mean you won't be lonely later on in life. You've only got to look at the amount of elderly people in retirement homes who have families and yet are rarely if ever visited and might go months if not years without a single phone call. Personally i don't want children. I'm still in my early twenties but that doesn't prevent me from being aware of my complete lack of maternal feelings. I know that i'm simply not suited to children and most likely never will be. Life can be fulfilling without them. It's just a case of working out what you would most enjoy devoting your time too.

I suspect my mum regretted having children. I think she loves us in her own twisted way but she doesn't come across like she enjoys parenting in the slightest. Because parenting doesn't stop - it goes beyond a certain age or situation. Kids really are for life. I sympathize with your uncertainty but i suppose it comes down to what you feel you're most willing to risk - a childless future or children that you may well secretly regret and/or a future that could still end up different from the one you expected children would give you. I hope you find answers not to mention peace with the situation.

[music junkie]

Originally Posted by ifst5

But if we look at this more closely, having children doesn't necessarily mean you won't be lonely later on in life. You've only got to look at the amount of elderly people in retirement homes who have families and yet are rarely if ever visited and might go months if not years without a single phone call.

Very true. I don't plan on taking care of my mom forever, mostly because she acts like me helping her prolong her life is the worst thing I could ever do to her. I've had big gaps in my life without her (her choice), & so I know it won't be hard to go back to that when she's had enough of living with me. The stress of it has not been good for me, and it's only been a year that she has been living with me (this time, because she has lived with me before).

I also know my brother is a complete jerk, & he's definitely not going to take care of anyone. Honestly, though, he's not the kind of person that you would want to take care of you. Ironically, his son already said that he would not be taking care of his dad (my brother) when he gets older, for the same reason--my brother's a jerk!

Originally Posted by ifst5

Because parenting doesn't stop - it goes beyond a certain age or situation. Kids really are for life. I sympathize with your uncertainty but i suppose it comes down to what you feel you're most willing to risk - a childless future or children that you may well secretly regret and/or a future that could still end up different from the one you expected children would give you.

I wish my mother understood that. She resents that her kids care about her & want her to be happy & healthy. She's told us repeatedly that her job was just to get us to 18 & then drop out of our lives. She keeps talking about how she wishes she had her own little car & her own little place where everyone would just leave her the **** alone. I wish I was kidding. But she's dead serious.

I suspect that she does (not so secretly) regret having children, or at least not having made different decisions in her life. I know she's had a very tough life, but I don't appreciate her making me feel like it's my fault she's unhappy all the time when all I've done throughout my life is support her & try to look out for her, even when I was living across the country.

Ugh. Rant off. Sorry, this has just been weighing on me a lot recently.

[BDPpartner]

One thing I can guarantee is that if I do make the decision to have a child it wouldn't ever be treated like anything but loved and wanted; I'm a caring person who has one way or another been taking care of people since I was a child.

In my early 20's I was adamant that I didn't want to be a parent, my partner at the time who was in his 30's told me he understood where I was coming from as it had been his attitude at my age but 10+ yrs had changed his mind. He always said I'd question my decision in later life (I guess he knew me better than I thought)

[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by Fresia

I can and do live with the regret of not having had children and missing out on those experiences, but I cannot live with the regret that would have come from the neglect and/or harm that would have come to them due to my illness.

That is exactly how I feel. All I ever wanted was to have a family, but I'm just too unstable to cope with relationships and I knew I couldn't be a single parent, so it just never happened. Now I'm older and wiser, I accept that the risks were just too great. Passing on depression to my children (either through faulty genes or faulty parenting) and the likelihood that my children would become my carers are things that I would have never been able to forgive myself for. Insight doesn't stop it hurting like hell though.

[ifst5]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

That is exactly how I feel. All I ever wanted was to have a family, but I'm just too unstable to cope with relationships and I knew I couldn't be a single parent, so it just never happened. Now I'm older and wiser, I accept that the risks were just too great. Passing on depression to my children (either through faulty genes or faulty parenting) and the likelihood that my children would become my carers are things that I would have never been able to forgive myself for. Insight doesn't stop it hurting like hell though.

This would also be a deciding factor for me - would i be able to cope if i passed autism onto my children? I doubt it.

[carpe_diem44]

I got married and pregnant because I felt it was the right time. I totally married the wrong person because it was the right time (for me to get married). I got pregnant, cuz I thought that's what you do when you get married. I applaud you for putting more thought into it. If you don't REALLY really want a child, now, don't do it to avoid being alone later. I fulfilled my responsibility as a parent, but the art/joy of parenting was lost to me. Make sure that you're ready and that you really REALLY want a child.

[HeavyFeather]

I am 20 years younger than my partner and the talk of children has been had. We both went to art school and he is nearing the point of retiring "young" so we can work together creatively on a bigger scale. The only thing is he is maybe terrified -not sure if its the best word but something close -of having a child. Me being the younger one, my womanly clock isn't going off too bad yet, but my parents are, being of latin descent. My only thoughts are if I will fall into having regrets choosing a partner that is much older. So many if's. Everyone tells me how amazing it is, but I can't help going back and forth on the subject.

[IrisBloom]

My kids and grandkids have been the greatest joys of my life. But parenthood is not for everyone. As someone said, even if you have children there is no guarantee they will be the child of your fantasies, or take care of you later in life. I can't imagine not having them, but I also fully support anyone's decision to not have them. In fact, I have to admire those who do make a choice rather than just taking whatever happens. You might regret the choice one day, but that's life. A lot of people regret the children they did have.