Sometimes I really hate men

I know its unfair and irrational, but I can't help it. I am 23 and it feels like virtually all guys my age only think about one thing. It is as though no one has shown any interest in me since the turn of the millennia (and not really when I was a kid either, I was never one of the pretty popular girls).

I can dress up, I can use an hour just on putting on make-up and dressing nicely, but still guys seem to go for the girls who put on the shortest dress possible and who didn't seem to spend ten minutes contemplating how to get a man to notice them, because for them it's so natural. I am a bit drunk right now, which might affect what I write, but it's the honest truth: Sometimes I hate and despise men, even though I know it's mean. Even the "ugly" men seem to aim for the prettiest, most confident girls. There doesn't seem to be any chance for the rest of us. Men in general seem only interested in sex and they seem to go for whatever seems the road of least resistance. I guess it's a good thing that I'm not considered the road of least resistance, but I doubt they contemplate how it feels for the ones who are not considered because 1) we are not really more than average in terms of attraction and 2) we are not really interested in hooking up with anything that moves. I can't remember the last time I met a guy who bothered to make an effort, not with friends of mine either.

It really hurts me sometimes. Today I cried for hours after going out to a college party because I had literally spent a really long time dressing up the nicest I could, putting on the best make-up I could etc., and no one (except for women) semed to notice. No one commented it. No one asked me to dance (I hate dancing, but still, being asked would be nice), no one offered to buy me drinks. It was the same as it always is; going out wrecks my confidence. I know I am intelligent, funny etc., but over the years I have stopped believing that anyone will ever be interested in me because it doesn't seem like it. It hurts, it hurts deeply, I am aware those horny guys probably never consider that stuff, but it doesn't make it hurt less. I am just so tired of ten years of boys and men being interested in my friends, just wanting to be friends with me or even just talking to me because of my friends (That's the worst, I have never met a woman who doesn't talk to a guy she's not interested in unless he's acting creepy, but I have met quite a lot of guys who ignore girls they have no romantic interest in, once again they seem oblivious to how this feels). I am sick and tired of being a wingwoman, I do it for all friends (gay and straight, male and female) but I really wish those effing cowards would just approach the ones they are actually interested in, because now it feels like they're just rubbing it in.

I know it might just be because I am 23 and in college and that it gets better in a few years, once also those guys start realizing they need something more than just casual sex, but I still don't see myself as a first choice. It's not that I don't like myself, because I do, if I were a guy I would dig me, but most men don't seem to - I like a lot of the stuff men typically do, I make dirty jokes, I am not afraid to stand my ground etc., this doesn't mean I can't be cute or feminine. But I just feel like no guy wants me, regardless of what I think of myself as a person, and it feels really bad when almost all my trips downtown end with me crying or being sad about this. My self esteem is wrecked, and on top of everything I am so confused as I (not to sound braggy) honestly don't see why no one would be interested. It just really gets me, now I even sometimes start crying while I am still out, I try to avoid it because I am patethic but every visit to a club or a pub just reminds me how uninteresting I apparently seem to men. Which makes me think men are shallow and rather sexist, only caring about women in terms of getting laid - which makes me bitter and even hateful, sometimes, even though I've had male friends all my life, even though my dad is one of the best people I know - in other words, I know it' not right or rational but I can't help feeling this way.

Does anyone relate? What did you do to stop feeling like this?

I was married pretty young so I did not have that experience you described with college boys.

But I have two daughters who go through the same exact thing you described.

I am not sure why this happens, but as you get older it does change and gets better.

(((((((((((HUGS TO YOU)))))))))))))

Not really, persevere.....

I'm 31 and I recently went through some serious BS with a 27 year old guy who only wanted to flirt, and not be in a serious relationship. Made me seriously messed up.

Dating sucks no matter what your age is.

Your right, I don't really know what dating is like, or what it is like to have the experience in College.

I did at least acknowledge that I haven't had that experience. So I can't know what it's like.

I am 46 now I got into the relationship I am in in 2012, but prior to that I was alone for 10 years by my own choice.

I had been in a marriage at 16 that ended when I was 22 then went right into another marriage that ended when I was 32.

What I realized is even though I was able to get into relationships or guys were interested, once I got into them they were really unhealthy and abusive.

The first one was abusive physically I had to get a restraining order to leave him. The second husband was abusive mentally.

Now that my kids are grown and I've been alone a long time I am able to be in a relationship with someone who likes me for me and not for my looks or sex.

It makes a huge difference. But I think at least in my own experience it was because of aging and maturing.

My choices and priorities changed in what I was willing to experience in a relationship and what I wanted in a man and what I brought to the relationship.

I guess what I mean is that what I used to be attracted to in men or what I used to want changed and once that did I had a much better experience.

Since we can't change other people, we can only change ourselves.

Maybe College guys aren't the ones for the person who originally posted her experience.

Maybe she would find a person who is perfect for her in a different environment.

But this is just an idea I am sharing, obviously I am no authority and my intention is encouragement.

NG, you wrote that men like girls who are pretty and confident.

And then you wrote that your elaborate makeup was only noticed by women.

All of this makes sense.

When you wear elaborate makeup, you do not achieve an improvement in prettiness, but you do get a big decrease in confidence, so overall wearing makeup (which likely makes you look desperate) is a negative rather than positive approach for you.

Also, as I am sure you realize, the opposite of looking desperate is looking effortless. You alluded to it saying that girls who attract male attention naturally seem to be doing it completely effortlessly.

So to look effortless and carefree, you should stop spending so much time on makeup, which would only be noticed by women anyway as men do not care so much about designer clothes and the like.

To stop spending an hour on makeup, choose ONE makeup item to wear.

One approach is to lessen the severity of the worst facial feature. One of my daughters has eyelashes that are short, sparse, straight (do not curl naturally), and much lighter in color than her hair. So she uses a bit of mascara to make the eyelashes look better.

Another approach is the polar opposite of the above - improve the strength of the best facial feature. Say, if your lips are fairly full, a bit of lip gloss to highlight that would be enough. You would achieve a look that is both "put together" and effortless.

Another approach yet is to use makeup that takes least time. Etc.

I do not use makeup myself - too clumsy for that - but I would recommend that you try different choices of just ONE makeup item, look in the mirror and/or take pictures, compare them, choose the best, and stick to that.

When you stop spending one hour on makeup hoping to get noticed, your being desperate would stop being written all across your face in large print. Instead, you would look a bit enigmatic, carefree, and CONFIDENT.

Going back to your observation - men like women who are pretty and confident. effortless look would increase your confidence by a lot and probably improve your looks by a bit. In the final accounting, you would appear far more attractive than you currently appear.

Good luck!

I feel this way too, and for me it was instigated by my husband failing me. I used to LOVE men, actually thought so much about them. My husband used to be my hero. Now that he has went on a downward spiral in all aspects of life, I just feel so lost and alone that I hate all men because I feel that HE abandoned me. So I share your irrational hate of men, but mine is from a different reason. I think I'd feel better if I had a lover, but I'm too shy and reserved to seek one out. I'm also very aloof in public or work/school environments so I don't attract much attention. Nevertheless, I think it's good we both know these feelings are irrational and we don't act upon them and be cruel to men for no reason. I'm very polite to everyone and I feel the hate just melt away the moment I have a genuinely pleasant interaction with a strange man. I still treat them the way I want to be treated. Feelings are so weird I swear.

I also felt like this. What I did to find my now fiance is stop trying. I didn't go places just to meet someone to date. I didn't talk to people only if I wanted to date them. I treated everyone the same way, and if something developed with a friend, or if someone asked me out, it was a pleasant surprise.

Maybe this relates to what hamster was saying. The effortless look. When I stopped trying to impress people, I was just being myself - and I got asked out by multiple people in multiple situations. (I had stopped wearing makeup and stopped trying to dress up nice, or dress up in any extra special way besides for professional situations)

That way, the people I did end up dating were people I had a real connection with. Even if we didn't start out friends, I would have met them somewhere I went because I was interested in it, so they often had the same interest (unlike prior to this change, where I would meet and date people I had nothing in common with, and it was disastrous)

What inspired this? I was tired of the game, like it sounds you are. I didn't have the time and energy to try to dress up and be someone I'm not. And as a result, I've ended up with a great guy who loves me for who I am.

Hey Norwegian. Totally know the feel. Thing is...you wouldn't go to Walmart to buy a pet cat, so why are you at parties looking for Mr. Right? Guys don't go to college parties thinking they're going to find a girl who is witty and interesting and who they can date. They're looking for the girl that's going to get drunk enough to put out at the end of the night. When they see you, they're not thinking you're not pretty enough or anything else. They're thinking that you have far too much self-respect to give them what they came for. And that's good! Don't let that bother you!

Find things that you're interested in. Go onto Meetup.com and find a group that you could connect with or join a new college organization. When I hear about fraternity people getting together and dating, I don't ever hear them say "Oh yeah we met at this frat rager." I always hear "We met at this philanthropy event" or "We were on the same intramural kickball team." I hear students talk about how they met their significant other in class or at a college hosted event or at a club meeting.

Don't go into it thinking you're a Disney princess who's going to live happily ever after, either. If you have specific expectations going into any situation, then you'll be disappointed every time. Life is not your fantasy, and it won't work out the way you planned it to. Everyone else has hopes and dreams as well, and not every ideal can be met. That's why I said find something you're interested in. Go thinking you're just going to have fun and enjoy time with other people. If you are looking for a guy, men can sense it and you'll seem desperate. So, be yourself and let the rest come. 23 is so young. You have so much time to find someone else. Just do you right now and let everything else fall into place.