[Raynaadi]

This might be long. I've gotta get this stuff off my chest.

Most of you know that I've been in a new relationship for the past two and a half months. It started off soo hot and heavy....we waited like a week to have sex lol. Before we went all the way, we had some amazing make-out sessions......

I had a lot of work to do on my past sex life before I was comfortable having sex with him. In the past, my relationships would start off with sex and then before long, I didn't want it anymore. I never really enjoyed sex and the men got really frustrated with that, which made me think that was all I was good for.

I didn't want that to happen in this relationship, because I was falling in love with the guy, so I worked through all that.

Now the exact opposite is happening!!!!! I LOVE sex with my boyfriend, but now HE'S the one who doesn't seem to want it....we haven't been intimate in like 2 weeks.

This brings up all kinds of insecurities for me. We talked about it a little bit on Sunday. I said I felt like he was getting bored with me. He assured me that's not true and felt terrible that I was feeling that. I'm learning to understand A.D.D which he has really bad. The tv is always on and he's constantly flipping channels on commercials, so I always feel like there's always something on TV and sex would interrupt that, so I never feel like I should initiate anything.

I said something about the passion dying, and he said there's been health issues, which is true. A lot of times, my MS is flairing up, or his asthma. But there are plenty of times when we're both ok....and nothing happens.

My fear here is, I don't want to make him feel like I felt in the past. I don't want him to feel like all I want is sex, and that if he doesn't give it me, that I'm gonna get frustrated.

The tables have completely turned. I love sex with him and want it.....and see my old behavior with sex in him....so I'm afraid he doesn't want it with me, like I didn't want it with my past boyfriends.

I know a lot of this is irrational fear and I'll work through that with my sponsor, and I plan on talking to him about it more, but this is touchy stuff that I don't want to discuss while a baseball game might distract him.

He's a wonderful wonderful man, and I know that if I talked to him about all this stuff, he wouldn't get defensive and turn it into a fight. I guess I just don't want to seem too needy or sexually charged.....

What a crazy turn of events.....the woman who always hated sex finds someone she loves it with......and he's not like all the other guys and doens't need it all the time.

Why is this happening? Is it just the normal relationship changes? I had really hoped we'd be able to keep it new and fresh and passionate. Its not looking like that though......

I love him so much. I need to just move into acceptance that these kinds of changes are normal. But before I can move into acceptance, I had to share it.

Ahhhh thanks for letting me go on.......

[bebop]

it has been my experience that it is something that just happens in relationships. seems they just can't keep hands off then no hands on lol. *sigh*

[Raynaadi]

Sucks....maybe its my karma for all the sex I refused to give in the past. Feeling what those guys felt. Oh well.

[Raynaadi]

PS- He's 39, I'm 28.....think the age difference plays a part? I've heard women hit their sexual prime towards their 30's and the men's sex drive starts to taper off towards the end of their thirties. Maybe thats part of it.

Men can't post here, but if any are reading, can you shoot me a PM if you have any ideas? Thanks.

[bebop]

I think I hit my peak in my 40's. men do tend to taper off a little bit though. trying to think of something inticing to do for him lol. maybe a good striptease hehehehe

[Raynaadi]

Hmmm....its not like I've tried and he's said no. I haven't tried to initiate. At first it was just automatic. Now I wait for him to initiate so I don't interrupt TV. Man after I typed that I realized how dumb that sounds. I will not take second fiddle to a stupid Cubs game.....and I doubt he even realizes I feel that way because I haven't said anything. I know that if I say something, he'll make sure I don't feel that way.

Ah....thats what I'm learning, how to communicate in a mature way. So not used to a healthy relationship!!!

[bebop]

communicate communicate communicate! this is new so keep it fresh hon. start with good habits hehehe. none of us are mind readers. at least that is what my hubby tells me lol or is it I that tells him? lol

[InACorner]

lol Ray you are going through exactly what i went through.....WENT is the key term.....my boyfriend would jump on me whenever he felt like it....lol and because im weak (roflmao) i gave in ( ) and gave it too him....but there were times where i wanted to do it (this happened alot ) and he didnt want to....i got hurt at first then i got angry....and then i told him why cant he rise to the accasion once in awhile and satisfy me when i jump on him ....well turns out he started doing just that....lol.....i heard its something men cant turn on and off like a lightswitch so im not sure how he does it.....but for the most part now we can get it done....only time though is some really weird times lol like 1 am this morning....ahhh said no...but also remember ....youve already hit the "honeymoon" stage of your relationship....its different now....this is the alrighty...i love you even if you turn the tv so fast i cant see what im watching kinda thing....alot of relationships die at this point...because one party or the other feels neglected....they feel the romance died out...when it hasnt....its just matured.....and thats probably why your boyfriend want to do it that much...sex isnt everything....however it does mean something...and make sure he knows he DOES need to satisfy you when you ask him to (not all the time...hes not your slave) but talk to him and say you understand not all the time...just maybe once in awhile ....like once a week kinda thing...lol personally for me...im asking for it almost everyday (oh yea .... )

[Raynaadi]

Inny!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much!!!! Wow its like you were inside my mind. You're absolutely right about everything!

I've been feeling selfish because I miss the fire and the passion, but its just converted into a loving mature relationship....its not the honeymoon phase has necessarily ended, its just evolved. And thats what I needed to see.

I would get so mad at boyfriends in the past who wanted to have sex all the time. I see now that yeah, sex was all there was because the relationship was dead. But in this case, the relationship is so alive....it doesn't need sex all the time. I'm beginning to see that!

I guess because I'm finally enjoying it these days, I can't get enough. Making up for lost times of bad sex in the past lol. But I see now that he gives me so much more than great sex, he gives me love and security.

We talked a little about it last night. I joked that my doctor ordered nightly sex for pain relief (it really is healing for me). He said nightly???? He went on to say that sometimes he's just too tired, after I asked him if he'd be annoyed if I jumped him. He said I need to gauge how tired he is from work. My first thought was, well you weren't too tired in the beginning!!! But the adrenaline of a new relationship played a part I'm sure.

I'm just growing so much in this relationship. I'm experiencing what it is to have a healthy mature relationship, so anything that doesn't go the way I think it should sends me into disappointment.

Expectations are killer lol. I need to just let it be....and enjoy what it is, which is wonderful.

He's taking me on vacation in July.....he has a work conference in northern AZ and I get to go with him and chill at the resort. I can't wait!!!!

Anyway, Bebop, Inny, thank you both so much for your replies. You've really helped me a lot!!!!!

[InACorner]

thats awesome.....take that vacation time to mentally connect with these changing physical times.....and maybe ...lol get some updates while your there if you know what i mean LOL .....go have fun and connect with your bf....good luck!!

[Raynaadi]

Its a month away....I can't WAIT!!!!!!

Not to throw a monkey wrench in...but work conferences can be REALLY exhausting. After the first couple days, my hiney is dragging.

Hopefully you can go out a day or two in advance or afterwards and just be playful together.

emmy

[Raynaadi]

Yeah, I'm sure it'll wear him out. Just relaxing with him in a resort will be a nice switch, even if he can't do much. I'll just be nice to get away for a little bit.

We're staying the weekend so I think that'll be his relaxation time.

[Raynaadi]

My insecurities have been so unfounded lol. Tonight out of no where....he got frisky. Aaahhhhh. I feel better hahaha!

[snowflake_48888]

I am so with you on your statement that good relationships are hard work!! Give me a good ole unhealthy relationship and i can work through it but I am finding out that healty relationships are so much work!!!! What's that saying? Anything healthy is worth the work? Something like that......
Snowy

[GYPSYEYES]

{{{{{{{Raynay}}}}}}


JUST BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Raynaadi]

Its definitely work, but in this case, its easy work and sooo worth it. I'm just still learning about him. I remembered back when I was a kid, and my parents didn't really talk until after dinner. So duh, when he gets out of work and is hungry, its not the best time to talk about something important that I need him to remember lol.

I've also learned that if he's distracted, I either need to alert him that I need his full attention or just let it slide.

What I learned last night is that I am so much more relaxed and have more fun with him when I'm not in my own head telling myself things that aren't true. My magic magnifying mind tells me all kinds of crazy things that make my insecurities flair up.

Last night he was sitting next to me like always, but he started stroking my shoulder. Just the touch made me horny but I didn't know if it was going anywhere. Then we were laughing and talking and he kissed me and kept kissing me and aaaaah it was nice lol.

I need to just keep reminding myself that this is a new relationship. This is also the first mature relationship I've been in. Its also the first real relationship I've had since I've been sober. So there's still a lot to learn and I need to remember that its not going to be perfect over night.

I can't even believe the growing I've done since I've started seeing this man. Its pretty amazing!

[GYPSYEYES]

raynay.. youve grown so much even before him from what i can tell from your posts and just being in chat with you. just now with him its come full circle for you. and your PRETTY AMAZING!!!!