Really awkward about sexuality

Hi there,

I thought I'd open up here about this thing that's been bothering me for a long time.. Basically, I'm pretty freaked out about everything to do with intimacy/sexuality.

I think part of it is fear, of the unknown.. My parents never provided me with a good example as their marriage is horrendous. I've never seen any tenderness or closeness between them, just hatred and violence.

Also, because my dad didn't want kids and wished he'd never had me, I've always felt completely worthless, especially in men's eyes.. I was well into adulthood when I realised dads actually have a very important role in girls developing good self-esteem. I missed out on everything a father-daughter relationship is supposed to be.

Many people are so open about sexuality these days, and at my last job, would just casually talk about it while I sat there all uncomfortable and dreading them finding out I've pretty much got zero experience even though I'm not that young anymore.

I'm thinking maybe the way forward is to just break the taboo and talk about this here in a safe and empathetic environment.. Maybe someone would even like to play my surrogate mum for a bit and tell me there's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about when it comes to intimacy/sexuality, that it's an integral part of who we are, and it's normal and healthy to be curious and explore, and there's nothing to be afraid of.. (She said, blushing.. )

Thanks for reading

Sex is just rubbing each other 'till you both sweat.

Tell me more about what scares you about it.

I've been around the block a time or two. I'll help you if I can.

You could probably pm any of the lovely ladies who replied, including me, if you find it easier.

Embarrassment and feeling ashamed are different in my opinion. Shame can, and should, be overcome. Embarrassment is just a part of a person, neither bad or good.

Knowledge and feeling comfortable (as comfortable as possible, anyway) is always powerful.

I have the same problem, though I have "some" experience with my boyfriend.
I never got love from my father and am disgusted about sexuality and I always keep it very private.
I also feel worthless in men's eyes, feel like I have no reason to exist. By realizing that we have to live our lives for ourselves and realize we deserve to live, we can start to heal.

It took a long time for me to be comfortable about sexual intimacy. I was taught that sex was taboo. Feel free to pm or ask questions or just talk.

And yes, sex is a healthy part of our lives.

It's understandable you feel unsure about this aspect of relationships with your background, in many ways our parents are our blueprint. But the good news is you can be your own blueprint, and use your growing up experience as a blueprint of how you don't want to live your life.

I was kind of awkward about sex/intimacy too, that changed when I met the right person and I felt ready. Believe me it is unlikely to feel shameful when you feel emotionally connected to that special person - it's just you and them for that moment, nothing else matters.

Yes, some people are very open in talking about their sex lives, even in a work environment, I'm not one of them - I respect my partner and that part of our lives is private, not shameful, just private. If other people want to talk like that, let them, I don't join in - it's okay to have personal boundaries, it's healthy in fact.

Sex is just a disgusting way of achieving orgasm and thus sexual satisfaction, or for reproductive purposes. There's sweat, and body fluids going everywhere.

"there's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about when it comes to intimacy/sexuality, that it's an integral part of who we are, and it's normal and healthy to be curious and explore, and there's nothing to be afraid of.. (She said, blushing.. )"

You said it yourself in a very succinct way. Repeat this Over and Over...

I'm really attracted to some people, and repulsed by others. It's not necessarily about good looks, either. There really is such a thing as chemstry.

The emotional connection, the physical sensation, the feeling of bonding... Feels so good to the soul. When that is there, the juices it produces are all a great part of it.

Sex isn't disgusting when two people want it. It's our heads telling us it's disgusting. Even though sexuality seems very "dirty" to me too, I know it's because of ideas people have planted in my head. Consensual sex in reality is healthy and for most people it's fun.

Sex is a enjoyable act between consenting adults, embarrassment can be a very endearing quality. I worked in a 24hr store in my early twenties and the guys who worked in a near by factory would come in around 3am to buy 'lunch' they thought it was a great laugh to ask for sexual favors I would go bright red and get embarrassed. One night a new security guard started and after the first few guys had started their nightly teasing he started hovering near by. He later told me that he found himself drawn to me as soon as he saw my cheeks flush red.

Please do not shame sex! This is what the OP was talking about....being embarrassed & ashamed.
There's lot of ways to achieve orgasm besides sex too. Guess it depends on your definition of sex.

The OP is looking to us! WOMEN! For help. So help & guide her along this beautiful path of sexual exploration IF she wants it. Yes women are biologically built for reproduction. Notice men don't have a uterus. We were given that responsibility. The way we are built should be celebrated not condemned.
I'm sure there's plenty out there to read like on the internet that says how "bad men are & how bad sex is..."
But if you really research women sexually we're in the forms of many higher gods. Valued for our power & reproductive ability!

We are powerful!
Please don't forget that.

I agree with Patagonia....

Just because you CAN say something, doesn't mean that you SHOULD....

(this was my point in a different post of yours, Artchic. I know the difficulties you have, btw)

Sex with the right person is beautiful and not at all disgusting or nasty...or regretful. If one has regretful feelings about it, you're doing it wrong.

So, I might be wrong... But I think the point Artchic was trying to make is that, well, sex is messy. I asked my husband the other night, "Why is sexy a thing?" cause really... sex isn't sexy.

Now, that's not to say it's a terrible, regretful, shameful experience. It can be very loving and wonderful, but at the end of the day, it's still messy. But hey, cleaning each other up is part of the bonding experience, right?

Several ladies have mentioned sex can be messy and yes to some degree it can be, after all it's a physical activity and it can involve getting a little hot under the collar but a lovely way to cool down and clean up afterwards is a shared bath. I have only once had a fling with a younger guy and found it really romantic that after we had sex for the first time he ran a bubble bath and we got in it together and he even washed my hair for me

I know it's a cliche but when you find someone who is right for you, you'll know it. I am definitely not a supermodel and have felt the need to keep myself covered up during sex. But when I have been with the right guy such as the one I mentioned before I had absolutely no insecurities and didn't even flinch when hands ran across my imperfections. If you do have some intimacy issues massage is a great way to desensitize yourself. If there is anything you would like to ask I am always happy to try and help

Yes I agree too sex can be messy. A towel or wash cloth near by is very handy.
Your body & your partner's body can also produce some weird strange noises. That's freaky too, but needs to be accepted by each person as "normal".
But being messy means that your body is healthy & working properly. It makes sex more enjoyable instead of worrying about lubes etc. Being totally sexually liberated, on an equal plane with your partner with endorphins flooding your body can make you feel.......like a goddess!

Sex is fun!!!!

Shame, fear, low self-esteem and trust issues are the top causes of death to our sexuality. Often parents don't realize how much their relationship issues are internalized by their children. Witnessing repeated signals can imprint on a young mind, just a strongly as if they were directed at you. To get past these feelings the first step is to realize that whether intentionally or unintentionally you were conditioned to feel this way. If you were raised by ducks, and you would probably believe that you too were a duck! You need now to start to separate your image from your environment and past experiences. This can be a hard lengthy process but nobody can truly be happy healthy and open with others, if they don't know who they are as an atomomous individual. To truly understand love we must first learn to love ourselves. talking to a T about your sexual issues would be the best Avenue to take. This may require you to push yourself hard thru the initial discomfort and anxiety, but start slowly and if it becomes too overwhelming let your T know that you need to stop or change subjects. Overtime hopefully the topic should become easier to address. Also, to awaken the shy sexuality being hiding inside maybe start trying to take baby steps towards a sexual relationship with yourself. Do/ buy little things that make you feel pretty like a nice hair cut or color, getting your nails done, buying that sexy dress and heels that calls to you when you pass a store display but push away from cuz you know you would be to embarrassed to ever wear them... you don't ever have to wear them out but buy them! Wear them at home just for you to admire in the mirror. Get some scented lotions that appeal to you and take mindful time rubbing them in being aware of how your skin feels when you gently caress it with care.. then when you get more comfortable with the touch and sensations of your body, try to explore it more and more... All humans are sexual beings from even before birth! Just some need a bit more nurture to grow.