Not feeling feminine enough, insecurity

I've been trying to improve myself to one day be good enough for a healthy relationship. It sometimes feels like I'm climbing out of an endless black hole and I want to give up. I have o my started realizing how deeply insecure I've been my whole life.
I'm 22 and when I as in highschool I never once thought about being pretty or dating, I never even looked in the mirror and thought about looks. I just assumed people were born pretty or not and that was the life they got. I never saw any part of myself in a woman who was pretty and desired in movies, for example. Very rarely did people tell me I was pretty. One time the guys on the cross country team I an on said I was the prettiest on the team, and they were really attractive and I though there were other pretty girls than me. I ignored the comment at the time not really getting it, but years later I really find myslef staring in the mirror for several minutes moving in different angles trying to see if I'm pretty and waiting for it to just feel like a yes or no answer.
Although I've been getting better lately I started looking into the topic of feminity and I now feel like I am carrying a new ton of bricks. All these articles say feminity is something within. And women who aren't afraid to embrace their women-ness. Now whenever I as girls wearing high heels, done up hair and flowing dresses there is a self hating and I guess jealous part of me that I suppress really deeply, but even seeing women like this feels like it ruins my day. Its like a reminder that I don't have the charm that would ever keep a man around. I feel angry at the idea that I'm not good enough and not woman enough and don't talk with a high pitched voice or trance round in flowy dresses in heels. It makes me feel worthless and I don't wanna go out or date at all because I just know someone prettier than me will walk by
I have started to not really care about my looks, I wear my hair the exact same and feel uninspired and lacking energy to be pretty or "feminine"
Another thing is I always read that being feminine is being authentic but I feel like all the things about me are not feminine. Which makes me wonder if im just repressing everything. I feel extremely uncomfortable wearing anything bright revealing or super feminine because it attracts attention and I already feel clammed up like I can't wait to escape every encounter. I feel like I am always hypersensitive of my body my clothes and people around me. I don't trust men to be loyal and truly want someone like me.

Hello and welcome to PC!

It sounds like you want a romantic relationship with a man. I don't think this is an issue of sexuality or gender.

You're just not a girlie girl. Men love all kinds of women. Just be confident being whatever type you are.

It sounds like you are attractive and people are attracted to you. You just get insecure attracting attention.

I am the extreme other way- a total femme fatale. The little girl who played dress-up. Totally love making an entrance. An actress.

Think of The Spice Girls... You're maybe more like Sporty Spice . Very sexy.

Ignore the magazines and films you are a woman and therefore you are feminine I was always a ' tomboy ' at school I enjoyed being friends with boys and found other girls *****y and vicious. I could normally be found in big black army boots without shoelaces along with jeans and a t-shirt, my friends actually staged an impromptu makeover one lunch time, covering me in makeup and doing something strange to my hair I went home like it and my family nearly died laughing. It wasn't that I looked awful but the fact I looked uncomfortable in my own skin it made me feel so unlike me needless to say I didn't keep the look. I did try to be more girly but it always felt like I was wearing a costume. Once I started working and began having to wear the stereotypical supermarket uniform like everyone else around me I realised that it didn't matter what I was wearing it was me as a person that men responded to. I still only wear makeup for weddings and special occasions and even then it is only a little face powder, mascara and maybe lipstick, I don't wear heels and my hair is always done the same way but I am completely comfortable and that is more attractive than anything else and my partner bless him tells me that in his opinion I am the prettiest woman in the world.

So just concentrate on getting comfortable in your own skin and style because that is where true feminine beauty is

There are a LOT of idiotic articles out there. Not all females are girlie girls. Or should even aspire to be. Because if that's not who you are, authenticity will forever elude you. So, if an article tells you that you should do/be/wear x, y and z, then tells you to be authentic, it's BS. The ONLY person who can say what is authentically you, is YOU. No one else can define that for you, least of all articles written by people who not only don't know you, but put everyone in boxes.

This is not to get on some soapbox like I've got it totally together and confident. Lol, far from! I can very much relate to comparative issues. BUT, I can tell you it's TOTALLY ok to not be a girlie girl. I'm not, never have been, never will be. And have never found a lack of guys who are totally fine with that.

You wonder if you are just repressing. I can't say for sure of course, but you're probably not. It sounds like you're just having a disconnect between who you (authentically) are and what these articles say we all "should" be.

I think when we compare ourselves to others (in magazines, out and about etc.) it is always problematic for us. I know people say we need to find our own beauty within ourselves and I believe that to be true. It is also said that you cannot truly love another until you first love yourself. I certainly know that to be true. As I read so many posts on these forums (and have written several myself), I can see that we ALL struggle by focusing on our weaknesses…those WE know about ourselves and those that others have repeatedly pointed out to us in our pasts. But I think I see MUCH HOPE in your post. Because you have a DESIRE to see yourself as beautiful. That, to me, is SUCH a good sign. Because I honestly believe, on some level, then, that you KNOW there is beauty inside you! (and I can see it in you, too, from your post!)
Now, here's where the tricky part comes, in my opinion. Part of each of us wants to rebel against our current culture's definition of "beauty" (your mention of high heels etc. was a good example of that) and we want others to see the "beauty" in us without having to resort to changing our style of dress, hygiene habits etc. But sometimes we just don't "feel" beautiful for many reasons and so we become angry and jealous of those that are "perceived" to be beautiful in society. And I think that is a vicious, endless cycle if we stay there.
So, maybe you could try any or all of the following to help you see more beauty… (I know these have ALL helped me)
1. write down a list of GREAT things about yourself…things you do, who you are, anything you do to help others etc.

2. write down your BEST features…do you have beautiful eyes? Maybe the color of your hair? Maybe you have amazingly beautiful fingers? I LOVE how you said you were looking in the mirror. I think that is a GREAT idea. NOW, give yourself permission to LOVE at least ONE of your features and celebrate THAT as a part of your beauty.

3. Look at your current wardrobe. What are your favorite articles of clothing and why are they your favorites? (no wrong answers there, just whatever you're feeling) Do you own ANY article of clothing that you just feel amazing in? If the answer is "no" (and that's totally okay), then start an ADVENTURE…and start "hunting" for something that just makes you feel great. Then do not SHOP and BUY until you find that ONE THING (P.S. it could be a pair of socks or a blouse made of soft fabric or even a pair of shoes). It DOES NOT have to be something drastically different from your current wardrobe, but it CAN be if you want it to. The choice is up to you.

4. Write down a list of any of the things you want to change about yourself that you feel might be getting in the way of you seeing yourself as beautiful (do this ONLY once). Then separate the list into 3 categories: #1: Things I can change that I want to work to change #2. Things I can change but cannot currently change #3. Things I cannot change and have to let go. Then: Look at List #1 and pick ONE THING you want to work on and make a plan to do it. Hang up List #1 on your fridge or something and then gradually work on each one that you can change. Put List #2 in a drawer or somewhere out of sight where you can revisit it ONLY after you have worked on everything that you desire to work on from List #1. Finally, take list #3 and LIGHT IT ON FIRE (unless you're a pyromaniac, of course and then just rip it to shreds!)

5. Keep a journal of BEAUTIFUL things you see in nature around you (a sunrise, finding a beautiful shell, a garden blooming etc). Re-read and enjoy these moments and the beauty they bring to you and CONNECT yourself to those moments by saying things like "I am beautiful like a sunrise, because I start new every morning and today I am going to look for at least one beautiful thing about myself that I can celebrate!" Speaking positively over yourself ("I am beautiful because) rather than what we usually do "I don't feel beautiful because…" will have a HUGE impact if you will do it (and also believe it).

6. Take a picture of yourself once a month (or once a week or whatever you are comfortable with) and with each picture, write an accompanying message to yourself reminding yourself of what "beautiful" thing about yourself you are focusing on.

Then, look back on whatever you have been able to do (even if only ONE of the suggestions above) in a few weeks or months and hopefully you will be able to SEE more of the beauty that clearly exists in you. NOT compared to ANYONE ELSE but YOU!!!

Best of luck to you in this journey, beautiful dear!!!

You know what I am struggling with the same things.... but in reverse. I used to be really pretty once, but I really let myself go, like gained a bunch of weight and almost all my hair has fallen out due to the pills.

But you don't have to base your worth on that of a man. Having your own style is what makes you beautiful so don't worry about those other girlie girls. Just be YOU!

I was like PDPPartner ( still am at the age of 63)....I was the tom boy. I grew up in a neighborhood of mostly guys & I always played with them, street baseball, football, climbing fences. I hated playing with the girls & playing dolls....I though it was horribly boring. I always needed action.

I got married, had our daughter & was out backpacking when she was only 6 months old with her in a front pack & a 40 lb backpack.....at only 105lbs myself & 5'2", I just had too much energy to just sit around through I ended up in a computer design engineering career, I always played racquettball with all the guys at work & participated in all the tournaments, usually taking a high place in the tournament. I really didn't like playing racquettball with women either because then never put their heart into it & really played hard like the guys....they just weren't enough of a challenge. I would rather ride horses than housework. I hated fingernail polish on my fingers or toes...I felt like it was smothering my fingers & I hated makeup. It was never practical to wear. It would only smear when I was sweating playing racquettball & I didn't have time to put it on anyway because I was always in a rush to get back to work. Would rather do things than waste time with makeup that in reality had no redeeming value & basically anything that I have to continually do over again on a daily basis is a WASTE of time.

I have come to the conclusion that in reality, we have to find who we are & be confident in WHO that is.

LOL....I can clean up & wear a dress to nice places I go to & I enjoy that. I live on a farm now that I left my H & have basically retired though I'm on disability at this point in time. We always laugh because many of us live on farms & do lots of farm work & we look pretty grungy when we run into town to run an errand.....but then we go to a social event & we always kid each other at how well "we clean up".

I have a harder time relating to my more femine friends who won't go out of the house without makeup on because most of my friends are JUST LIKE ME......but I do have those friends also & they are wonderful too & they accept me JUST AS I AM.

I have found honestly that the most important thing is being able to communicate easily with people & being REAL. Thinking back, I realize just how superficial my life had been for so many years because of the people who were in my life. I left that life 9 years ago & am now realizing just what it is to be able to feel free to communicate with people & to be able to not be afraid to say something for fear it was wrong or that they wouldn't understand you in the first place because that was how the people I lived around all my life were.

I have never felt more comfortable in ALL my life, not have I felt more myself than I do now finally. It's taken a few years to get used to ME & figure out who ME is....but it's really awesome.

LOL...in my engineering career, working with all men, we had meetings with our military customers & they always told the guys they had to wear suit & tie. Well, not wanting to be different, I bought a really nice corderoy woman's suit & I found a wonderful pearl tie. I could give the masculine look a feminine touch which was basically always my style. Very seldom do I ever wear dresses, but I do every once in awhile & that's ok too.....but I do everything within my own style.

I never believed that I had to be like anyone told me. I was always sort of a rebel anyway in my own subtle way....people would just make a comment & I would take it just as that....a comment, not a demand that I needed to follow the comment.....I would just go ahead & continue to do things MY way........feeling much more comfortable with my way at 63 than I did before. That was sort of when I felt it necessary to make a statement....now I'm past that stage in life.

I am not a girlie girl. Not a tomboy either, but I have never loved heels or makeup, much preferring tshirts and pajama pants or sweats. i try to make up for it by wearing feminine colors like pink or light blue instead of always black lol.
some guys don't like stereotype of how a girl is "supposed" to be. Some do and that's ok too. but your inner beauty shines through. looks can change over time but someone you enjoy being with and enjoys being with you, it's all a part of it.
i'm married in my 30s and only recently began wearing a little makeup because i've given up the fight with my adult acne and just want to cover it up lol. i'm still getting used to how it feels wearing it lol.