Minimizing My Desire To Be A Mother - A Look Into Disconnection Between Body And ID

Hello. My pseudonym is Plant, and I am a 30 year-old woman. I am married, and do not have any human children. I am facing a grievance which I do not have any support for, simply due to my never speaking openly about this topic in particular. "Motherhood" will be said topic.

I have never imagined myself having children, because I have never been treated as a real person, throughout most of my life. My identity has always been mixed with another person's (i.e. mother's, partner's, etc.). The more attention I give to changing this boundary-less dynamic (and the self I have failed to gain, resulting of such patterns), and the more I discover what I want, or could have in life, the more frustrated and lost I feel.

I have forever resisted the idea of physically having a child. I have always wanted to adopt or foster. However, my sense of self has not developed enough with my desires. I am a mature, capable person. But, the disconnect I experience between mind and body is huge. I physically and mentally grapple with a pendulum swinging between five-year-old girl, and 30-year-old woman. I worry I have not taken the steps I would have needed to, in order to be awarded the right to become a mother (as the person I currently am).

I care for children for a living, but mostly because I am very good with children, and am a natural nurturer. I am also a person who has seen everyone else get what they want, meanwhile standing back observing, and being expected to know how to safely disentangle myself from an abusive, controlling, and boundary-less biological mother, and the expectations and criticisms which came with such a relationship.

I worry I have unintentionally chosen a life and partner, which fosters exactly those old dynamics I have worked so hard to diminish and eradicate from my current life (a life free of that toxic mother, who I have worked very hard to divorce, throughout the last seven years). I am scared for myself, and I am simply saddened.

I know I want more from life, and I definitely know I want to be a parent on some level, because the mere thought/ news of another person I know having a child, makes me cry and makes me feel worthless. I want something more in life other than to focus on myself, although selfishness is a skill I am supposed to be cultivating to balance the lack of self I have experienced, for the last 25 years. I lacked a self growing up, and I lacked a self into adulthood and resulting from accidentally becoming involved with abusive person, after abusive person.

I hope I have made the right decision with my husband. And, I hope he will not look down on me for feeling this way, and for wanting our lives to have a change in focus. We may not be financially stable enough to support a child. But, I do not want to live like children (as he is used to) and simply continue in stagnation, due to its higher degree of safety and ease (which he always seeks). I want to live life so I can feel. NOT so I can feel safe all of the time.

Feedback appreciated. Or, just validation.

Thank you for reading.

(((Hugs))) PLANT!!!
A couple of things....
1. If you are 30 now, you most likely still have at least 10-15 more yrs that you can biologically conceive.
2. There is NO perfect time, financial state, situation, or mental state to decide to have a child! Life is messy! A child changes your life forever, so no matter how "perfectly planned" or "100% OOPS!"....it is equally unpredictable...usually in an amazingly good way
3. Please do not allow, your upbringing, others opinions, and or parenting with mental health articles to deter you..if you want to be a mom, that is.
4. Also the opposite, if you decide that having children is not for you..don't allow other's or society's opinions to make you feel guilty about whatever path you choose..there is no one right way to live...only what makes sense to you, is in line with your personal values, and makes you feel happy and fullfilled.
5. As far as your hubbie goes...well, idk him or your relationship or his mindset on children...but if you want kids, hopefully he is open to this...if not, we'll then it's your decision..either you care more about being his wife, as he is, without kids...or you care more about being a mom...if the second is true for you...then you don't need to be married or involve a man at all to be a great mom...and if he can not change his mindset at all...then he's probably not someone who you would want to father your child anyways...cuz kids can do just fine w/o a dad, but an unwilling, distant, angry, resentful dad...that will screw a kid up!!
Hope you figure out what you want
p.s. I never thought I wanted kids either...but ended up pregnant young...I was terrified. Everything about the situation couldn't have been more wrong...but for some reason..I couldn't go thru w/ the abortion and explored adoption and didn't feel right...I was so scared but somewhere inside I knew what was right for me, but couldn't or didn't realize my truth fully until about 2wks till due date....when I woke up that morning and just knew. Knew I wanted my child. Knew I wanted to be a mom...told everyone else including my abusive ex who was the father...told everyone who was toxic or pushing me to give my child up or just negative...told them all where they could go and how exactly they could get there! ...Has it been perfect? No. If I could go back and not have/keep my baby, would I change my mind knowing all of the struggles ahead??? Not A Chance In H***!!

-Woods - Thank you so much for your input and the time and effort you put into responding to what may be one of the most personal posts I have shared in my lifetime. My husband is definitely on board, and we are now talking more about having a child.

I was able to open up to him about having never felt "eligible" to have a fairly-normal life (though "normal" does not exist, nor has the "usual" ever been my cup of tea/ within my nature). Turns out we actually have had similar feelings and fears when it comes to perfectionism (creating a foolproof and safe environment for a child, given we do not have family either of us can rely upon, aside from one another and a few close friends).

Although I am still not sure whether natural childbirth will be for me, I am definitely sure (in my right mind) I would be a great parent. My husband thinks so as well, and I have been feeling very lucky to have him, lately. We have been having a few very difficult months, during which we have both been hurting very much, and I have been having intense bouts of emotional pain.
Today, I revealed to him (during one of my very intense bouts of pain) something which I repeat to myself quite often (during such moments), "I don't think anyone would ever want me to be their mother."

Woods, I am very glad to hear your experience with parenthood has been positive, and not worth changing, or reversing. I hear often one can never be prepared. I do believe preparation to be faulty and full of holes. I just want to make sure my husband and I have at least ONE ally to rely-upon (emotionally, morally), if we were to decide to become pregnant/ try to become pregnant.
This is a new topic for me to be open about. I have been open about most everything else in life, except for this topic. A forbidden topic to me.

In the event we decide natural is not the way, or we are not able to conceive, I would love to look into foster/adopt. I know most children who have lived a life in Social Services, bouncing from home to home, are not easily-desired by potential parents. I find this sad and unfortunate, but I am fully willing to attempt to serve as a source of support and nurturance for such a person.
A big decision.

Again, Woods, thank you. I very much appreciate your sharing your experience with me, and reaching out to me during a time which I very much need such support. Additionally, I appreciate your accepting my vulnerability in regards to what has always been a very touchy and scary topic for me.

Take care,

I am so sorry for your conflict.

For various reasons, all 4 of mine were not planned. It just happened. I can't believe how wonderful it has been. Not perfect, but wonderful nonetheless.

Let your fears happen...parenthood is like getting on the most scary roller coaster ever.

I envy you.