Feel Trapped Into Accepting Job

I have been happily living without a job for a few years. I'm nearing a point where money is going to be an issue. I need to start earning an income or looking for work.

A friend offered me a contract job with her new company. I took it and ran into a few problems. Some (possibly all) of the problems were caused by a single individual who interfered with the project at the last minute by arbitrarily ordering different equipment than what I had specified based on their requirements.

My friend encouraged me to pursue a more permanent contract arrangement. I had to talk with the person who had interfered with my project. Instead of discussing contract work, he started describing a full-time position, which was something of a surprise.

The conversation I had with him was pretty dreadful - I got the feeling that he was contemptuous of people in my field. He has left a key role unfilled for years and could offer no rational explanation why.

I described the conversation to my friend who told me to hold off on accepting any offer. My friend is trying to renegotiate the position. Long story short, the interviewer should NOT be supervising someone in this role. It makes no sense given the organizational hierarchy. A role that should serve the entire company would be buried inside a department that has a history of not getting along with the rest of the company.

I just got an email from this guy asking me to come back in for another interview with more people. I find myself reluctant to continue this process. I do not want to work for this guy. If my friend successfully restructures the position, I would still have to work with him, and it just seems like that would be even more awkward.

On the other hand, everyone is telling me to just take the job and quit if I don't like it. I think that would be awkward since my friend recommended me -- I would rather decline gracefully.

My last two work situations have been incredibly toxic and demoralizing. Both times I worked for insane micro-managers. I am getting strong signals that this guy is also a micro manager.

i can seriously relate! i am so sorry i don't have any words of wisdom to offer....i am currently in a similar situation...feel trapped in my current, toxic job...and feel pressured to return...

the corporate world has changed so much! it seems that toxicity and micro-management are becoming the norm and not the exception...i really do feel for you...

Thank you! I feel like I have PTSD from my second to last job. I'm worried that it is affecting my judgment. The thought of going back to the corporate world just gives me hives.

I hope there is a second way. Hopefully this situation will push me into pursuing other paths before I absolutely have to take the best offer on the table. It's such a good reminder of what I don't want.

I hope your toxic work situation gets better. I still regret not leaving mine sooner than I did.

Oh my goodness, ignore the people who are telling you "just quit if you don't like it." If you take the job and it's a huge pain, they will be the main ones judging you for not liking it and looking at you as if you were insane if you actually did quit. It's also a tough situation for you because once you get into an annoying job, getting out just isn't easy, I had that happen with my last job and the one I have now that's just as annoying and is only a few cents above min. wage.

If you are seeing red flags, don't ignore them. In every 'opportunity' I've ever had I've blatantly ignored what I've known to be true to appease other people and every time I've kicked myself. There is the chance that this guy could be moved or something and you may not have to deal with him. Micro-managers are a huge hinderance but what type of management does he have? If he's legitimately doing things wrong that are hurting business, his superiors may be giving him enough rope to hang himself.

If you do decide to take the position to always CYA.

I'm still stalling in the hope that my friend can turn this around before he makes an official offer I'll have to turn down. IF they change the supervisor and offer me the salary I want, I'd feel compelled to say yes. It just seems like a long shot at this point.

This guy seems like a real piece of work. He was unfriendly when I first met him (as opposed to every one else in the building being extremely pleasant). He is a line manager responsible for a very specific functional area in the company, an area that has *nothing* to do with the job. He keeps going on about how the job is not something anyone would want to do, but there's nothing that strange about this job except for the fact that he wants to handle all the decision making.

He has been there for about ten years and has been 'responsible' for hiring for this job. The job is not rocket science, but this guy keeps telling his bosses that he can't find anyone competent. I think they are starting to doubt him at this point.

What worries me about this company is that they have let him do this for so long. I also found a really negative online review from someone who recently left the company, but I am not sure if they worked for him or not.

hang in there...i returned to work yesterday (part time for a bit)...i wish i had more options..right now it is what i need to do...i really do understand....good for you for taking care of yourself!

Hiya Hvert!

If your friend restructures the job, will this guy still have any say over you getting hired? I'm sort of wondering if you can gracefully decline his offer to do another interview, without actually causing any problems should your friend succeed with the restructure.

I guess you can't really mention the possibility of restructuring to him - because he sounds like somebody that will vehemently want to "defend his turf", even if it shouldn't BE his turf...

So, I'm just wondering if you politely declined, something like... "Thank you so much for your interest. I enjoyed working with your company and glad that I could help out. Unfortunately, I've got some other projects that I've committed to in the near future, but if you need additional help in the future, please feel free to contact me." -- something that leaves it open to taking a position if it gets restructured ("oh look, I've just about wrapped up my projects and my availability has opened up considerably - well wonders never cease!") but politely takes you out of the running for this guy to hire - if that would be shooting yourself in the foot?

And yeah, people like that suck. There are just some nutty folks out there, unfortunately, and it's awful that you ended up with PTSD symptoms from your job. My job has some awfulness too, and I relate (a friend of mine who recently left was on anti-anxiety meds, JUST for the job!). It feels like our entire culture around work is *crazy* - and I'm not sure how to deal with it, or find a place where it's better.

(((Hvert))) Good luck! And, I hope you can find something that is actually a good fit, with a good team and manager that are sane and supportive, and not crazy!

Yes, I do think this guy would still have say over the hiring choice. Part of me wonders if this is all a political maneuver on his part, but I can get sort of crazy reading things that are simply not there into a situation.

I think that I messed up handling this right from the start. As soon as he started talking about wanting someone to be on call for tech support, I should have just said that I was only interested in project based contract work at the moment. It's so annoying. Now I am losing this contract work!

Ugh... I'm sorry Hvert. I hate all the political stuff too, and it sounds like a bit of a minefield. I wish I had better advice for you!

Thank you. I think the key for me is to just get over this feeling that I 'have to' take this job even though I don't want it. I can't believe your friend has to take medication because of her job. I mean, I do believe it, but what has our world come to?!

Good luck Hvert... that makes sense. You don't "have to" take the job... it's a really hard thing to believe sometimes, but it's true! When I graduated from grad school, my mom got me an interview at the company she was at.... out of state for me. I got the job, and spent a week stressing over what to do. It was awful. I realized I really didn't want to live there, didn't have a good feeling about the boss (ex-military, very strict, sort of beat me up in the negotiations) and saw some red flags in the team interview itself. But, I had no other jobs lined up, and was just scared to death.

I turned it down - and though I freaked out a little after that (!) - I still think it was an amazing thing to do for my self-esteem. To be able to say, "yeah, I need a job, but not THAT job. THAT job is NOT a good match."

So, if you feel that way too... by all means turn it down!

I am sorry that you feel like it's going to cost you the contract work though That's a bummer, and I hope maybe you can still work something out with them.

And, yeah, re: my friend - it was crazy. Thankfully she's not at this job anymore. She actually got moved to a much saner, better group that she loved - but has since taken off to be a full-time mom with her first baby. She's going to put in a good word for me with her new group, so I'm hoping that *I* can escape the insanity in our group too! I know though, I felt so bad for her when she was in our group and told me that the stress had caused her to need to be on meds. That is really terrible. But our group is really terrible!!!

Good luck!

I hope you get into the other place! That is a great story, that you actually turned down a job just because you recognized that it wasn't going to work out.

I am not sure that I have EVER turned down a job offer. The closest I have come is to not return phone calls when people are calling to offer me a job!

I have not heard anything from either that guy or my friend since I deferred.

Thanks Hvert! Me too! I'm a little disappointed, my friend was supposed to have lunch with her friend over there today, and was going to call me after... and I didn't hear anything. I know she's crazy busy right now, but I was really hoping to hear how it went!

And thanks. Turning down that job was insanely hard. I spent an entire week trying to figure out what to do (before turning it down). It sort of felt stupid... I needed a job, and I'm not great at finding them! But there were so many bad signs, and I thought that if I moved out there, I'd just spend the next few years trying to move back to where I'm at now.

And, the truth is... I wasn't sure. I actually emailed the recruiter after I turned down the job and tried to take it back, and get the job (ha!). Thankfully, at that point, she said the offer was off the table. I just remember think, "oh crap, what did I just do?!?".

But thankfully, it all worked out for the best. My career isn't exactly amazing, but I think it would have really sucked for me at that job, so I'm glad that scared-little-past-me managed that one moment of courage!

So... you said you haven't heard anything else back from the guy, or your friend? So, you DID defer then? Good for you. It sounds like you've got good skills... right? And now, you've got a recent client. Is your friend going to be able to act as a reference if you need one? I hope it all works out, and you either find some more contract work, or a really excellent company to join (if that's what you're looking for).

Oh, and have you noticed... it seems like a BIG part of how good your job is (how much you like it, how stressful it is, etc.) is your BOSS. It sounds like you dodged a real bullet by turning them down, if they expected you to work for that guy. I'm not sure any amount of money is worth having to deal with somebody like that!!!

Take care!

Did you hear anything from her today? I think waiting is one of the most frustrating aspects of looking for work!

That's funny that you called the recruiter back -- and so lucky that they turned you down. I once tried to get my old job back after realizing I'd made a HUGE mistake in accepting a job that turned out to be complete different from what I expected. It took me four and a half years to correct that mistake!

Wow, and I just realized something: that job that was a huge mistake - the person I first interviewed with at that place was the woman who is trying to get me to come to her current company. Back then, like now, she was in a really senior position and had a strong vision for what the job would be --- but when I actually showed up to work, my boss was a jerk and he decided he'd rather have me do menial labor instead of project management. No wonder I'm reluctant to take this job on - it's the same exact set up!!!

You are right that the boss makes all the difference. I think for my next day job that I should just pick it out based on my boss...

I did hear back from this place, btw, but not my friend. The guy wrote back. Now he wants me to come in for an interview with even more people. My car is acting up, so doing this for six months may be in my best interest. I could always quit in May when the weather gets nice again

Nope... I didn't hear anything from her today either. Argh! It's frustrating, but I know she's super busy. I'll give her some time, and try to catch up with her later. I think the hiring wouldn't even start until next year and it's a *slow* process. I think once they decided to bring her over it took a couple months to get all the paperwork and approvals done!

It's funny *today* that I called the recruiter back -- it really wasn't funny then! I was scared to death and had no clue what I was going to do! But, it did work out, thankfully. I just really feel like I dodged a huge bullet with that one!

Oh wow, that's scary that it's the same woman and the same situation with the job! Yeah... that would make me VERY nervous too. Do you have any intuition about it? Like... if the universe is maybe giving you the opportunity to turn down the job this time, to see what that's like?

Hmm... about the guy getting back to you. I'm not sure if I should congratulate you (for making it the next round!) or say... "noooooooo!" lol! Good luck if you decide to go through with it, even if you just do it for a few months

It's crazy how much of an effect your immediate boss can have on your job satisfaction. I wish companies understood that better... my boss has scared away all the really smart people from our team, and the company just doesn't seem to get that at all! It's so sad! I hope if you end up taking the job this guy ends up not being as awful as he seems!

Good luck!!!

My 18 year old car wouldn't start yesterday, so this job is sort of growing on me It's been one of those weeks!

It really is interesting how companies just sort of let their culture change by not taking care of a bad boss who is bringing everything down. I've noticed that bad bosses seem to suddenly quit when no one is expecting it - hopefully your boss will crack soon and your company will go back to being a nice place to work

Oh yikes! I hope you're able to figure out what's going on with the car! I understand... stuff here has been a bit blitzy too. Nothing as big as the car, thankfully, but just one of those weeks/weekends. I was feeling really good after therapy on Wednesday... but things sort of crashed after that. Oh yay for the holidays and insane families! I guess these are the things that make sure our Ts will always have food on the table!!!

Thanks for the nice thoughts about my boss leaving! I think he almost did once, he actually told me about it. But he managed to use the new job offer to negotiate a raise, and stayed. Doesn't it just figure!? I think the problem is that managers aren't really evaluated on their ability to manage... just on what they get done. My manager is working on really interesting projects apparently and getting a ton done! So much so, he doesn't have any time left to actually *manage* the rest of us. Heavy sighs!

At least it's almost time for vacation for me! A few weeks off to just be a bum and pretend like I don't have to work to pay the bills!

Hope this week is better for us both!

Hvert!!!

I had to come post a quick update. I *just* heard back from my friend - and they're actually really excited about the possibility of bringing me over, and I'd be doing really cool, innovative stuff too!

It's obviously just the beginning of the process... we're going to try to set up lunch for me, my friend, and the woman she works with for a very informal chat about what they need and what I want, but I really do have a good feeling.

And... I feel so *hopeful*... my career in the group I'm in has been on a slow death spiral, and this just sounds like such a good opportunity, and a much easier move than trying to get into another company.

Big huge sigh of happy relief here!!! I hope your stuff is working itself out as well!

Yay!

Yay! I'm keeping my fingers crossed -- this sounds like a great opportunity for you!!

Thanks! I'm hopeful, which is a nice change! I'm going to talk with them more Friday... so yup, fingers and toes are all crossed!

I still haven't heard boo from my friend. Aside from feeling kind of awkward about the whole thing, I'm okay with that. I haven't replied to the guy -- I'd just as soon this just dropped off everyone's radar. I'm looking forward to hearing your Friday update!

Ugh, I heard back from the interviewer. He wants me to give him a date next week. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

I'm starting to think that this guy is just messing with me. He was supposed to talk to me about contract work and instead brought up a full time job. He was obnoxious during the interview. He made a lot of references to low pay. He expressed surprise I wasn't scared off.

Now twice he has asked me to give him days to interview and then not responded until it is too late to arrange anything. It's entirely possible (and likely) that I am reading too much into this, but it's pretty frigging annoying.

Plus, I have not heard from my friend at all. I am reluctant to call her, but I guess I should.

Oh yikes.... I'm sorry Hvert. That guy just sounds worse and worse the more you interact with him! I hate to say this... but have you looked at any other possibilities for income (either contracting with another company, or looking for another job)?

So I had to take this online course in "negotiating" this morning for work (nope, I don't negotiate at work, they just like to make us take tons of classes!) One interesting thing that came out of it was this idea that when you're negotiating, you should know what your best alternative is to the deal. If you were already in a job, for example, and were negotiating for a new one - if the new company doesn't offer you more money than your current job, your best alternative might be to keep your old job (obviously, there could be other factors here, but you probably get the gist).

One thing they stressed is that you can and should work to *improve* your best alternative, because when you negotiate, that opens you up to getting more in the negotiation. If your current job pays $50k, then you'll likely take a new job that pays $55k. But, if you negotiate a raise at your current job to $60k, your backup plan is now better.

I don't know why I'm writing all this out. I guess when I read what you've written, I get the sense that there's no backup plan, no good alternative. It feels like you might just get sucked into this job, despite all the warning signs that this guy is going to be an awful horrible person to work for. I don't want to tell you not to take the job (because we've all got to pay the rent and put food on the table!) but... yikes, it makes me feel a little nervous for you!

Anyway, sorry if I'm poking too much! Or doing too much problem solving. Job stuff is pretty awful, and I find it really frustrating too - it feels like our entire culture is set up with the expectation that we'll take awful jobs, suck it up, and somehow just devote our entire lives to bad bosses and bad jobs and be grateful for the opportunity to pay for overpriced stuff. Bleh. I guess it's a sensitive point for me

And, thanks for the good wishes! I'm a little nervous for tomorrow! My friend assured me that it's going to be very informal, this woman she works with is very kind and nice, and that I can be honest about any concerns I've got, because we all want to make sure it's a good fit. I guess I get nervous knowing that my friend has talked me up - and I don't want to disappoint anyone! But, I am grateful that they're coming in with an already positive image of me (and I have the same positive image of them), so hopefully that will help. I think I'd be less nervous if my current job wasn't feeling so awful too - because my "best alternative" (keeping my job) definitely does not feel like the "best" of anything!!!

Keep me posted, especially if you get in touch with your friend! Good luck!

Thanks for that idea! What great timing, that you get to take a negotiating course just before you enter into negotiations yourself

It's amazing how reframing a problem helps us think about it in another way. You're right that I don't have an alternative back up plan in mind. If I did, I think I would have said no to this a long time ago. I would have said no to the contract work in the first place and run away screaming after that interview.

I am really tired of bad bosses. Why are so many bosses just awful to work for? I wish I knew how much of it was me and how much of it was them. Some people have a much easier time dealing with the workplace - I wish I were less sensitive or whatever it is that I am.

I hope that your conversation today goes well -- it would be so wonderful to work with people you click with!