Feel Trapped Into Accepting Job

I'm sorry you're leaving your pottery class, you seemed to really enjoy it! But, it also seems like something that you could pick back up again, if you really missed it, right? Did they really leave you with nothing to do for the entire three hours? That's crazy!

I do think it's good that you're quitting so many things! Hopefully, it helps you make room for more things that you really love. Sort of like clearing the junk out of your house.

And, wow! I'm having such a hard time imagining someone slightly adjusting their path to run into people! That's kind of funny that your boyfriend can't see himself doing it! Poor guy, I guess we all have our issues to work through

I did finally get my software update, this morning! Yay! You wouldn't believe the hoops I had to jump through... I swear I emailed with almost 10 people trying to figure it out. Originally, I was told that there was no upgrade path and I needed to purchase the new version... this software is cloud-based with a 3-year subscription, and I still have one more payment on the version that I already had. So, I was trying to figure out if they'd let me cancel my current subscription and replace it with the new version (the new version looked to be quite a bit more expensive). In the end, somebody realized that I already had the cloud based version and there was an upgrade, and I got it for free... then just had to get in touch with our help desk to get "temporary admin rights" to actually install it . I'm supposed to have admin rights... everyone else on my team does (!) but I haven't been able to decode the magic form yet required to get them, so every time I need to install something, I have to get temporary rights to do it. So much fun. But, it's done!

I haven't made any progress on the portfolio! It's strangely hard to get to it, and I'm still struggling with all the food stuff, therapy, and feeling blah. I don't know, I feel like I should be more motivated... but I'm mostly just tired. I've also got a couple of projects that are ramping up at work, so I don't have the huge swaths of free time during the day that I did before...

I will probably pick the class back up again in the winter but there's just too much stacked against it right now. It's in the middle of one of my two weekdays off, so I can't make plans to go out of town or anything. I used to have other meetings that day, but those groups take a break for the summer, so that day is now free. I want to be able to change my work schedule to do occasional 4 day weekends.

They have been very slow about returning work- some other stuff that was supposed to be fired for a special project did not get fired in time, so I had to use lesser quality work. I also had a weird social encounter a couple of weeks ago and would like to just stay away for a bit.

I am definitely ambivalent about this choice, but I think it's the right one. I was disappointed that I had decided to sign up for the last session, so I thought I would see if I liked deciding not to better

And, yeah, I really had nothing to do for three hours. I have a small window of time to wrap all of this stuff up on Saturday. It's seriously annoying- and ruins any get out of town plans I have for my weekend (I have Fridays off).

Having been going through trying to figure out software licenses and what people need vs. what they have vs. what our buying options are - I am not surprised you had to email so many people! Isn't it crazy trying to figure that out? Missing admin rights is just the icing on the cake.

I'm glad you are getting busier at work. Hopefully there's a chance that your role in these projects will become more interesting? My work has been okay. I started comparing this place to some other places I've been recently, and it really is much better. I am just going in and doing what I can, trying to be relaxed about it. One department wants me to do some really tedious stuff that they want to take credit for. I am trying to put the burden back on them.

Oh, I had a recruiter contact me yesterday for another job I don't want!

It sounds like taking a break from the pottery class was a good idea. That's too bad that they've gotten so slow about firing your pieces though, especially to the point of sitting around a class with nothing to do. That doesn't seem very well-run or professional on their part.

I don't envy you having to figure out all the software licensing issues for that company ! The whole thing here felt really crazy. I should have been able to just call up our helpdesk, and have them figure it out... but the helpdesk really hasn't been helpful for software that's not part of the standard build (understandably). And our "buying software" people seem to be completely different than the helpdesk people. And, of course, nobody wants you to actually *contact* them - it's all through online forms and whatnot, mostly. I lucked out and had an email address from somebody that helped me with the original purchase of this software (which was a whole other nightmare, since the company hadn't yet figured out how to deal with the new "pay by the year" licenses.)

Good luck shifting the burden back to the other department for the tedious work, I fully support that plan and will keep my fingers crossed that it goes smoothly!

I hope all the new work leads to good things, but I'm not feeling optimistic (surprise, surprise). I talked to my boss about a project today, one of the concepts we did that we're going to get to build (yay! Exciting!). He still seems to be saying that he doesn't want me to do the IA for it... he said that I'm "too valuable" doing the research - i.e. researching the external companies and putting together those stupid power-point presentations!!!!! Because, and I swear to you he said this, "nobody else can do this".

I think he's grudgingly going to let me work with one of the graphic designers who supposedly also does IA, although she really, really doesn't. She was supposed to, for another project (ugh, that I was supposed to be on and got taken off of, b/c she's a contractor and needed "billable hours"). The graphics guy who worked with her ended up having to take over the IA and have her just do graphics.

Such a mess. I think I'd like to find an in-person group to talk about careers, finding what you want to do, struggles with jobs. I wonder if there are groups like that, and if it would be helpful?

And - that's too funny that you're getting recruited for jobs, when you don't really want a job!

Totally off-the-wall question - have you ever been involved in any open source type projects? I've been thinking about the "volunteer to do IA somewhere for free, to get some more experience" - and thought - open source projects are ALL volunteers. I wonder if they could use someone doing IA type work, since most folks working on them are, I assume, programmers? Hmm....

I have lost my reply to this not once, but twice!

I just got back from the studio, where I spent two hours more than I'd planned... and overheard someone *giving away* someone else's work! There was an unsigned piece, which should go on a shelf full of unsigned pieces, but someone admired it and the person emptying the kiln offered it to them! Is this where my stuff is disappearing to?? I couldn't believe it. The person who took it had second thoughts and put it back where it belonged, but, boy. I also had a broken piece on my shelf - something that I made at least 10 weeks ago and which was apparently just fired this week. I guess if I go back, I need to keep much better track of my pieces.

I haven't been involved in open source projects aside from the occasional slight improvement or bug fix contribution. That would definitely be something worth trying - if it doesn't work out, you can just drop out. I wonder if you would find that your company seems a paragon of efficiency compared to a community driven software project, though

And I don't get your boss. It sounds like he likes you, so why is he making you do work you don't want to do? Is it just that he likes/trusts you too much? Does he understand that one of the advantages of a contractor is that you don't have to make work for them since they don't get paid to do nothing, unlike salaried employees?

I also like your idea about finding a real life group to talk about career struggles. I would like to find that, too. I would actually love to find some accountability partners, a group where we could get together once or twice a week for breakfast and check in with confirmation that we'd worked towards our goals.

It's gorgeous here today and I have the house to myself for the next few days while my boyfriend goes to a family reunion I took a pass on. They are all staying in the same house and A doesn't talk to B and C doesn't talk to D. No thanks!

I'm glad you got out of going to your BF's family reunion, I bet you dodged a whole bunch of stress and misery with that one! I remember you mentioning it before, it sounded nuts! Hopefully you enjoyed having the house to yourself for a few days!

I talked to my mom last night, she gave me date for the reunion she's going to - but doesn't actually know her *plans*. Like, she can't tell me if she'll want to visit before or after that date! She's just been too busy to figure it out, and then asked if I have plans in the same time-frame. Maybe I'm being over sensitive, but I hate this - I feel like the expectation is that I'm just going to keep a week or two totally open for her, which isn't going to happen.

Thanks for the tips on the open source projects, I may look into it! That's funny though, I didn't think about how unorganized they probably are! I'm just having trouble thinking of other places that might let me jump in and do IA for free.

I have no idea about my boss - I think it just gets back to what I said originally, he's a bad manager. He thinks he's a great manager, he thinks he cares about everyone, he specifically said in that meeting that he wants everyone to have the chance to do what they like and are good at (!) - but he just doesn't get it. I feel like I could tell him 1000 times... he doesn't get it. Plus, when I do things like the pre-research for his consulting trips, it makes his life easier. It lets him look good, since he can walk in and already have the context and background, so I'm sure he doesn't want to give that up.

That's really crazy that the pottery place is giving away people's work! What on earth are they thinking? I wonder if it's just one person who doesn't get it, or if it's everyone who works there? Is there someone you could complain to - it seems like that really shouldn't be happening! And, sorry that your piece got broken, what a bummer Did it break because they took too long to fire it? Or was it just bad luck?

Hmm, if your mother still does not even know when she will come visit you, despite having a date for her reunion, I guess she will understand when you don't know what your plans are for those weeks either. At least this gives you a good out: "Sorry, you didn't give me enough notice to adjust my schedule."

I am still crossing my fingers that mine doesn't ask me about that event next month. I still feel a little guilty. She is sort of pathetic in some ways and does not go off to do things on her own, even if she wants to. She also doesn't have many friends. I don't think it should be my job to encourage her, though. I hope she figures it out sooner rather than later. I don't think I would enjoy her life very much. It's just one endless complaint.

How is your brother doing? I was wondering - is he very likable? I was just thinking about mine last night. He has always been extremely likable. Everyone loves him. He has a ton of friends, many relationships that he has kept up over years. I wish I could figure out what he's doing so I could copy it. I put people off.

Finding somewhere to do IA for free does sound like a challenge! What about working for equity 10 hours a week at a startup? Oooh, could you do consulting??? Does it have to be unpaid work? It's kind of funny, but I think it would actually be easier to get a small gig if you were charging!

My piece broke because someone knocked it. I am okay with the breakage, stuff happens, but I am less thrilled that something I made probably 10 weeks ago just made it through the first firing. The process is 1) You make something, 2) wait a week or so for it to dry, 3) fire it once, 4) glaze it, then 5) fire it again. I don't want to rag on them because it's a fun class and I've enjoyed it, but I think they have too many students given their capacity. I looked into getting equipment at home and it's actually cheaper than I realized.

Why is the weather suddenly turning nice when I have to work????

My fingers are crossed for you too (re: your mom). Hopefully she just forgets all about the event. It really sucks that stuff like this has to cause us stress. I don't get it, it feels to me like relatives (like my mom and grandfather) tend to treat us *less* well than they would friends or acquaintances. Like this thing with my mom not bothering to figure out her plans, and just assuming she can stop by whenever she likes.

My sister apparently spent some time with my mom and grandfather recently, and they were basically talking about me, saying "she needs help" (because I don't come visit them and don't like traveling!!!) I think it's hugely ironic... yes I need help, because the lack of parenting I received left me screwed up. And, I'm in therapy (I don't talk to them about that, obviously). And me not wanting to visit has less to do with traveling and more to do with not enjoying spending time with them, and not wanting to be stuck in the middle of nowhere with my mom and her husband, who tends to not have great boundaries.

Speaking of... is this weird? My mom's husband retired, and is now driving a school bus in their town. One of the girls at the high school has a bad family situation, and (apparently? I'm not sure, I heard this 3rd hand) got kicked out of her home... so my mom's husband invited her to live with them. She's staying in a trailer on their property, but, according to my sister, they're doing things like going to teacher conferences for her and trying to help her get situated in the world. My sister was a bit flabbergasted, because my mom was in no way helpful or nurturing when we were that age. I'm more concerned that my mom's H is inviting teen girls to live with them, and taking them under his wing. I don't know, it just creeps me out a bit?

Oh, and yeah, it is most definitely not your responsibility to encourage your mom to go out and make friends. She's the parent, she needs to figure it out. Do you feel like she wants to be your friend? That's sort of what it feels like with my mom... like, she was completely incapable of parenting when I was young, but now that I'm all grown up and don't really need her to be a parent, she's super excited for us to be best friends! And, I, obviously, have no interest in that. I think it hurts her, but... it's insane to me that she doesn't recognize how bad of a mother she was ! I was just thinking last night how crazy-making it is with families, once you're grown up, to have to hang out and pretend like everything is just lovely and normal and wonderful, when really, things were so nuts that you're shelling out tens of thousands of dollars on therapy trying to unravel it all!

OK - sorry I'm going on! re: My brother, yeah, he seems to be pretty likeable. He's very *charismatic* and doesn't have any trouble winning people over, it seems like. People do seem to like him. He's also, sadly, very good at lying (very convincing). I'm not sure how it's going for him... I tried calling a couple Saturdays ago, and it was *weird*. He said that he was doing a side job and couldn't talk, but that his main job had fallen through, that the boss had bought land in another county and moved, closing the business. It seems odd to me, buying property and moving usually takes more than a week or two... so I'm a little nervous that he's fallen back in with his old friends. I can't be sure, he sounded OK, but I worry for him. And he never did call me back like he said he would.

Hmmm.... are you sure you actively put people off, as opposed to maybe just not welcoming them in? You know what I mean? Put people off sounds like actively scaring them away. I think, if you're introverted, you might just not come across as *welcoming* the interaction, which is different (I think). Do you have anyone your close to in real life who could give you some honest feedback? Hmm... I think you said before that you find just about everybody highly annoying - I wonder if that might be coming through? If I were talking to you, and got the feeling that you thought I was annoying, I'd probably back off and not really pursue more interactions

I don't know, you come across great in text... you seem adept at empathizing, relating, having good ideas, sharing about yourself, responding to my stuff... nothing that raises red flags to me! What are your conversations like in real life? I mean... do you find you're talking more/less/about the same amount as the other person? Are you making lots of eye contact or not much?

I kind of wonder if it's a "being relaxed" thing. My brother gives off a very relaxed, "everything's good" vibe (I think). My boss, who is super social and seems to make friends and relate to people easily, is like that too. (Though my mom is really social, but I don't get a relaxed vibe from her... maybe that's just because of our relationship.) Do you think maybe you're feeling stressed/anxious and that's coming across, and making people uncomfortable?

I don't know how helpful any of that is... you've probably been over all that already in your head! You know... you could always try a couple sessions with a coach/counselor in person and ask them for some honest feedback about it? It seems like something that's specific enough, and actionable, that you might get good results without getting sucked down the rabbit hole of craziness that is therapy

Wow - super cool that the home equipment for doing pottery might be affordable! How fun! It sounds like it would be nice to avoid the long delays with having your pieces fired, and the chance that your pieces will be given away (!) - but would you miss the people there? Or would you possibly still hang out and do the class, but just bring your stuff home to fire on your own?

That's interesting, and probably true, that it might be easier to find people willing to let me do IA if I'm not trying to do it for free. I wish I had a bit more confidence in my skills, I just hate to sell myself when I'm not feeling really up-to-par. Maybe I could find an online class to just get ramped back up a bit... that could help. I'm also a little nervous, my (very large) employer might not like my selling my skills on the side. I'm not sure how that works out.

I hope your weather stays nice, so you can enjoy it on the next day you have off! It's awful here... so hot and humid. You walk outside and it just feels like you're stuck between sweaty elephants - ick! Thank goodness for A/C!

Oh boy, that *is* weird that your mother's husband invited some teenage girl to live with them, especially if your mother is negligent when it comes to kids. It's entirely possible he's just genuinely trying to be helpful with no ulterior motive, but it's weird, whatever his intent. It's also weird that your mother just goes along with it. I hope it works out okay for the girl.

And what do you mean about his boundaries??

I like how your mother and grandfather think that *you* are the one with the problem! Maybe if visiting them was enjoyable, you'd want to do it! Why does this not occur to parents? I had to endure a few hours with my family this weekend, so I am definitely in that 'ugh' mindset. Why can't we just not see them and not have it be a big deal?

And, yeah, my mother wants to be my friend, and friends with my siblings. I was totally stunted because she was my 'friend' until my early 20s. It wasn't until I moved out that I realized just how awful it had been. She has always had one of her kids living with her - and none of us are under 30 at this point! So I don't want to be her 'friend.' It's not friendship. It's some psychodrama. She started doing this thing last week where she would ask really stupid questions, I think just to see if I would answer?

I have had about four interactions with her in the past two days that make me wonder why I even bother replying. She's so incredibly negative. I saw that she'd won a raffle from a group I work with (I got her the ticket), so I sent a note congratulating her. Her first reply was to say that she never wins, what was I talking about, she didn't win anything, and referred to some small drawing at the end of a class I'd signed her up for. When I reminded her of the ticket I'd given her for Mother's Day, she complained that no one had notified her, they just called and didn't leave a message. I replied that I would contact them and ask them to get in touch with her - but why should I get involved in this?!

She continued with the negative messaging after that, saying that she hoped the prize was a ridiculous amount of money. It's not - it's a small prize. Why doesn't she listen? I gave her a piece of paper with the prizes listed. I am sure that she will embarrass me when they do finally get in touch with her. That's really part of the issue with her coming to events. It's hard enough for me to get along socially on my own. If I have her tagging along, saying ridiculous things and bothering people, it just taints me.

So if every interaction I have with her just results in her arguing with whatever I said, why would I want to interact with her? I saw her this weekend and she has kept this up all week so far.

That doesn't sound like great news about your brother... although, now that I think about it, mine actually always had kind of sketchy jobs like that, the kind where it actually is plausible that someone took off for another country with a week's notice. I hope he is okay and that he can stay healthy and away from his old crowd. *That* has to be the hardest part, losing your social network after having alienated most of the people who would be inclined to help.

I do think there is something about relaxed people that makes them more likable. Is it that they are just easier to be around? My brother is also super relaxed. I was thinking about that the other night. If he goes to a bar, he'll buy a round for everyone even though it would eat up a week's pay. I would never spend that much money on casual friends (or myself). I'm not suggesting people like him because he spends money on them, because he's just as likely to go to a bar and expect other people to pay for his drinks - but he is certainly relaxed about money in a way I wouldn't be (and don't want to be).

It just seems impossible that I would ever get to 'relaxed.' I am so high strung.

I'd like to know what kind of impression I make on people. I don't think that my written representation is an accurate reflection of my real life personality.
IRL, I disclose very little, but at the same time, I sometimes seem to startle people with my frankness. I think my filter is slightly broken. In conversations, I am more likely to be listening than talking. I don't think people can tell that I am annoyed because I have had trouble convincing people I am angry with them when I am trying!

Re: selling yourself when you don't feel up to par: I think this is something a lot of us do (especially women) that shoots us in the foot. Someone who is *truly* subpar but who has overinflated confidence in their skill set will win a job you don't apply for. Look at the people we work for - are they highly competent? Nope. They just don't let their self-perceived weaknesses get in the way of going after what they want.

The video port guy struck again and my response to him was so passive aggressive (but you can't prove it!) that I am still giggling.

I have to comment on slamming into people. My daughter does it she calls it aggressive walking. She lives in a very busy city and the only way to get from here to there is walking aggressively lol

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I am glad it is not just him!

I hope everyone had a more relaxed week at the office than I did. Someone commented as I was leaving yesterday that I looked burnt out. Yep!

Hey Divine - Interesting that your daughter does the aggressive walking thing too! I can kind of see how it makes sense if you're in a big city, with a lot of other aggressive walkers, trying to make your way through crowds. But, still... eek!

Hi Hvert,

Oh gosh. I'm so sorry that your mom is such a negative pain in the rear to deal with. That sounds really hard... how sad and awful that she seemed to have totally forgotten about the raffle ticket you got her for mother's day! I'd be hurt by that - why bother trying if you're just going to be forgotten and devalued? To be fair, I tend to just stick with a card and phone call on M-day, no gifts, b/c there are already enough gift-giving opportunities.

I take it she still hasn't mentioned the upcoming event that you were worrying about? My fingers are still crossed for you! And, I hope she doesn't embarrass you too badly about the prize. I think, with stuff like that, people hopefully understand - you are not your mother, and her craziness doesn't (shouldn't) reflect on you!

And... I agree, it's crazy that they're so blind to the fact that... if you want people to visit you, you have to be agreeable and not make them feel miserable when they do! Last time I visited my mom, many years ago, we actually went out to see a local historic site - which was pretty cool. And, she wanted to take my picture. I very nicely asked her not to. I know it's not normal, but it's one of those things that bugs me and I wasn't feel great about myself, and she just harassed me about it! I thought, seriously? I've had this conversation with friends, and most of them just say, "Ah, OK, no pictures then. No big deal." She actually said something like, "well, I want to remember you!" - LOL! I said, "seriously? Are you in danger of *forgetting* me?"

So, mom's husband's bad boundaries. During that particular visit, at one point he physically grabbed me by the wrist and started dragging me toward their bedroom. I was completely freaked out and confused, and kept asking what he was doing (my confused state, unfortunately, is more "frozen" rather than "fighting back" - something I need to work on.) He wouldn't answer. When we get there, it turns out my mom had just finished doing laundry and had thrown in a couple pairs of jeans for me, and wanted me to come pick them up. How hard would it have been to have just said, "hey, your mom has the laundry in the bedroom." ?

There's other stupid crap like that too. It just makes me very uncomfortable to be around. They visited once, we went out to an informal dinner, and when we were leaving the booth, he grabbed my purse off the seat. (I can't remember, but I think I was sitting next to my mom, so we put both purses next to him where there was space.) As we walked out, he refused to give it back to me - as a joke. I literally did not know what to do. I know that whining and throwing a fit tends to only encourage people like this, because they like the attention, but I couldn't find a response that would work. I asked my mom for help. She basically said, "give her back her purse" and went back to talking on her phone (if I'm remembering right) - totally uninvolved.

It's stupid stuff, but it's bad boundaries and I'm just not comfortable with him. Which is a big part of not visiting. I've been thinking, if I ever do go out to visit, I'm going to either drive or rent a car, and stay in a hotel. She'll hate that, I'm sure, but I really need some sense of.... geez, I don't know, separation? Physical safety? Ugh.

So, yeah, I think it's weird that he's invited this ~18 year old girl to live with them, and she's apparently staying for the indefinite future.

I think the "friend" thing is just sad. I'm sure there are some people with fantastic parents that eventually grow to have a more friendly relationship. But, I think to get there, you have to be a good parent *first*. It was interesting, I was talking about this in T this week and he said, "I think your mom was a sh*tty mom, but she doesn't know she was a sh*tty mom." ! Yup. To me, it's almost like she hears other people talking about their kids, and just assumes she should have the same relationship with hers. And, she just wants to jump to happy, friendly, close - without having down the actual hard work of parenting in the first place! It just doesn't work that way!

But I'm sorry, you're mom sounds so lonely, and like she's negative enough that it's no wonder she doesn't have a ton of her own friends. That's sad (but still, not your problem.) I wish it were easier! For them, for us, for everybody!

Interesting that you're identifying as "high-strung", me too. That, and one person nicely said, "highly parameterized" - which is, I think, a nice way to say "picky"! I don't know, it's a pain, but I think that for me, high strung means I'm easily moved, both positively and negatively. So, I try to remember that even though there are negatives, I get some positives out of it too. I was blown away watching the sky change a few nights ago when I was walking the other night - it was so beautiful that it was almost painful! And, I don't think a lot of people notice those types of things or feel them like that. So, it's a toss-up. I'm thinking the negatives are things we can hopefully learn to deal with... I've learned, sometimes anyway!, to step back from things that are causing me to freak out and ask myself, objectively - is this actually a big deal? Is it life-changing? How much trouble is it going to really cause? and my favorite - "Does this actually affect me at all?" because some things that I get worked up about are really not my fight! So I try to let them go.

re: selling ourselves short - maybe? But, what about when you really don't have the experience to back things up?

Shoot - I know this is already long. I wanted to tell you, we had a huge team meeting (not just my boss, but his boss) to discuss our results on the most recent employee survey. It was crazy, as you can imagine. I tried to talk about something, and got interrupted by a very loud person, and nobody noticed or cared. I ended up sending my boss an email pointing this out. They're having this meeting to try to figure out why people are responding that they don't feel respected by their co-workers and aren't happy at work, and they can't even see how the loudest, most domineering people are constantly cutting others off right in front of them! What - the - heck ?

And... I'm sort of dying to know what happened with Video Port guy!

Hope you're having a good weekend! Glad it's the weekend, but it's only Saturday morning, and it already feels like "not enough time"!!!

She is a very mild mannered non aggressive person. She has learned aggressive walking as s survival strategy.


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I lost most of my response. I really don't learn!

Uh, your mother's husband sounds really creepy. I hate stuff like that - is he just really immature for his age or is there more to it? It's so hard to tell with some people. Refusing to give you your purse is pretty screwed up, as is dragging you around physically without telling you why. I wouldn't be in any hurry to visit, either, hotel or no hotel. I think of hotel + my own vehicle as sanctuary and escape route. Just knowing that I am not trapped, that I can choose to leave any time I want, is really a big deal. Part of the reason I hate visiting the in-laws is because we are staying at their house in the middle of nowhere and we take a vehicle I can't drive.

If you can, I highly recommend adding screaming or increasing the volume to your freezing. I have found that making a scene and being very loud in those situations can be effective. Whining may make them hold onto your purse tighter - having everyone staring at them in a public place, even if they think you are the one in the wrong, makes them let go. I believe it is a good deterrent also.

My mother has still not mentioned the event, yay! She throws a fit if we skip Mother's Day gifts and celebrations, and it's just not worth it. I do the bare minimum to make it look like I did something. I am sort of tired of doing all the work for my brothers, so I told them they were on their own this year. I did breakfast and got it out of the way, they could figure out the rest of the day.

Oh, photos! I don't let people take mine either. However, I also forget what people (and pets!) look like! I've done the same thing your mother did, ask someone for a photo so I would remember them and have them get upset at the idea that I would forget I have trouble visualizing.

Re: high strung - do you find that it is getting worse as you get older? It is for me. Things that I used to be able to do easily, I now am very resistant to. I also try to remind myself that most of the stuff I get worked up about is not really that important in the scheme of things - and my new favorite idea is that reality is not going to change, no matter how I feel about it.

re: selling ourselves without experience: no one has enough experience. Some people can accept that more easily than others. I am the same way, never good enough to do whatever it is I want to do, always waiting until I learn X or do Y first... but look at the people who *are* doing these things you want to do. How often do you think that they are competent? Assuming you are like me, you look at those people and also think that they do not have enough experience be doing X, but that doesn't stop them from doing it.

Did you get a response from your boss about that meeting? The video port guy has been a thorn in my side lately. He doesn't have enough work to do so he just invents stuff to complain about.

How does the computer keep eating your responses?!

I have no idea about my mom's husband, as far as *why* he's so creepy. I don't think he's actually super creepy all the time, it's just this boundary thing - I can't deal with it at all. I don't know. It's really frustrating, and kind of points to part of the problem with me and my mom - first, that THIS is the type of person she is attracted to and second, she has no inclination to help/protect me. The thing with the purse was just surreal, and she really just did not care at all. It was unbelievable.

Ooh! Thanks for the tip on being loud, that makes sense. I'm going to have to figure out how I can do that... since when I'm freaking out, I generally get quiet and don't have a lot of mental processing going on. I just shut down. In some situations (i.e. getting through random pawing by the TSA - ick) it works, since not making a scene gets the whole thing over faster, but it would be nice to be able to have some agency and make noise when needed...

Oh, YAY! I'm glad that so far your mom hasn't mentioned the event! How much longer do you have to wait? Maybe it's near enough that if it comes up, and she asks about going with you, you could say that you'd already made other plans?

High strung... I'm honestly not sure if it's gotten better or worse as I've gotten older. Some things have certainly gotten better, I think? But, I don't know how much of that is a result of being more and more isolated as I get older (i.e. avoiding things that would have bugged me before). I like your point that reality isn't going to change. Maybe some if it is just starting to anticipate that people are going to screw up, so at least I'm not surprised by it!

re: Experience. I don't know. I think if I could find a job on the research side, I'd feel more confident about that. I've done a ton of research, and feel like I could jump in and be useful and confident pretty early on (though I do worry about not having a strong background in statistics!). But the design side is harder, because I really, truly haven't had enough design projects to start to feel like I know what I'm doing. And, all the tech stuff changes so quickly. I'm very comfortable designing for the web - because I grew up with the web and have lived/breathed it forever, plus I used to do design/dev for the web. But all the mobile stuff - is like a foreign language. It's a whole new set of design paradigms that I haven't really figured out yet. And then people start talking about whether it's going to be native or responsive, Apple or Android, and ugh... so not fun!

re: Pictures... ahhh! Yeah, I kind of know what you mean about forgetting what people look like, in the sense of actually being able to create a picture in your head. But, it's not like you've lost all sense of the person, or lost the ability to recognize them. And, she's my *mother*. She's known me for decades. She's not going to forget me , I'm pretty confident of that!

Nope! My boss didn't say anything about my email. So depressing. I had another meeting today, in person for a project. It was a good meeting overall, but I got talked over a lot. I find it really hard to get a word in at all. Everyone is talking over each other, interrupting, and basically being very loud. I feel totally irrelevant. At one point, I asked a question to verify that I understood something someone had said - and the person who answered me kept talking, and talking, and talking for way too long. Do you know people like that? Like... she answered the question, and I understood the answer and was happy, but then she wouldn't stop talking - she kept rephrasing the answer, like 4 or 5 different ways!!! I nodded vigorously, told her "I understand", "I got it.", "Yup, yup, yup - that makes sense" - but she just wouldn't stop rephrasing the answer! I was totally stumped, and bored! I wanted to say, "OMG PLEASE STOP! I understood the first time! You don't have to explain it 5 different ways!!!!"

This was the same person who started telling a story at the end of the meeting, and just went on and on and on... I was waiting for the end so I could politely leave, but I ended up just getting up and leaving (!!!). Even then, I tried to interrupt and say goodbye, and she was still going! When I was half out the door, everyone finally said goodbye to me!

Maybe she's just a talker! But, I wish I knew a better way to manage these interactions.

Video Port guy... you know, I can almost see him as a character in a comic strip! Or maybe, specifically, a character in Dilbert . "Quick, duck! Video port guy is on the loose, and he's bored!"

OH! And, I was looking for another internal group that does ux research... and found one. They look lovely, very research-oriented and they're working on some very cool futuristic things. And... they're in a city near my mom (different state from me.) I am heartbroken! I can't move there, I don't really like the state, and don't want to be that close to my mom. So frustrating!

Hope you had a good fourth! And, I hope when I said, "How does the computer keep eating your responses?!" - it didn't come across as rude! I was joking, but I've been so tired lately that I'm not sure it's coming across in the right spirit.

Anyway, my friend (the one who tried to help me get into the other group at work) is back in town later this week, so we're going to hang out on Thursday. I'm taking Th and F off, so another short week for me.

Of course, the week I take off - I have a ton to do. It's always like that, it's a little crazy. So I'm sort of swamped trying to wrap up things for Wednesday.

Hope you have a good week too, and Video Port guy isn't too much of a hassle!

I lose the response because I start typing, then wander off to do something else, type some more... and then when I finally hit submit, I am (sometimes) prompted to go back and refresh the page. Sometimes the response is still there when I click back, sometimes not. Sometimes I remember to copy it to the clipboard, sometimes not I didn't think your comment was rude!

I hope you can figure out a way to add volume when you need it - it seems doable since screaming is so primitive, but I have no idea how to turn it on... or off... I wish I could control my flinch/scream a bit better I really *hate* strangers touching me.

What a bummer that the interesting sounding UX group is in the other state! That's not fair! Do you think you will contact them anyway? Your group just sounds so dysfunctional, everyone talking over everyone else, a boss who either doesn't give out work or who gives out the wrong kind of work. I wonder if you will learn anything new from your friend from the other group. Is this the one who left the company after her leave?

And I know exactly what you mean about that person who just went on and on with the answer. I want a two sentence answer, but they want to give me a 10 minute monologue. I've tried prefacing my questions with 'I only want a ten word answer,' but people seem to get very offended by that, go figure

I feel so overwhelmed lately that all I want to do is lie around reading. The house is trashed, the garden is full of weeds. Time goes by SO SLOWLY at the office. The more I learn about how this company operates, the less secure I feel with this as an income stream... but even just contemplating other sources of income is scary.

What the --- remember a while ago I told you that one of the guys I work with (and get along with well) said something weird about my LinkedIn profile and I didn't know how to take it?? He didn't accept my invite!

ETA: Um, maybe I spoke too soon. I don't get this. I know that I 'invited' a bunch of people from this place, but LinkedIn does not seem to reflect all of that activity.

Is this the guy who said he was surprised that you have an MBA? That's weird... but maybe he hasn't gotten to it yet? I'm terrible with Linked In - I secretly resent having to be on there, and I really hate that random people send me invites, and they don't bother to customize the message at all! You know, they just send the default "I'd like to connect with you" message. There's no explanation of who they are or why we should connect. I think that's fine with people you know well, and maybe have already talked to, but... I don't know, maybe I'm the only one that gets bothered by stuff like that.

I hope he links up with you soon!

I'll have to talk to my therapist about the screaming thing. It's such a weird feeling thing. I don't know, I'm picturing us doing screaming practice in the office, which is attached to a fancy restaurant (out in back, it's a weird setup).

re: The people who go on and on... I always wonder if they're waiting for some sign that I understand. But after this last conversation, I think that can't be it - I was really clear, over and over, that I got it. I don't know why some people are like that, but I hate it! I don't want to hear the SAME explanation in 17 different ways!!! Ugh... I think I need to have more "oomph", more ability to interrupt and talk over people, since our group seems to communicate that way. And I don't. You know how when someone starts talking over someone else, there's always that moment where the first speaker can just get a bit louder and sort of keep them from interrupting? I don't seem to be able to do that - I always lose! !!! Maybe it relates back to screaming, maybe I need to figure out how to be LOUD.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling overwhelmed! Is it all from the job? I wish there was something helpful I could suggest... ugh. I hate work. It's crazy to me, because I think that work could be awesome - it's a great way to get to contribute to something, to find a bit of community, to feel like you're achieving something. And then idiot bosses and incompetent companies go and screw it up and make it awful and hideous and cringe-worthy. I wish I had an answer for you - it sounds like you know that you need to find some other income streams, but it IS hard. Have you made any more progress on the project that you told me about? The one that was just about ready to start selling to people? It sounds like if you could take that leap, at least it would give you a little bit of passive income to start building on?

And, yeah... so unfair that the cool looking UX group is another state. I don't think I'm going to end up contacting them, because I really have no interest at all in moving there. The location is not just "not attractive" to me, it's an actual deterrent, and I just can't see how it would help with all my life issues. I can't be that close to my mom... just not going to happen!

Gotta run, in person meetings today. Ugh! Hope your day is better today, and you can squeeze in something fun and relaxing to help cope with the overwhelm and crappiness of it all! (Hmm the spell checker does not recognize "crappiness", and wants me to change it to... "snappiness"! I'd so much rather have a "snappy" day, not sure what that it is, but it sounds more fun than "crappy"!)

So did your day turn out to be snappy? Mine was just flat out crazy – so at least it flew by!

Yeah, it was the guy who made the comment about the MBA. I think that I just screwed something up and didn’t actually invite people. God knows what I did instead, because I am positive I clicked on about a half dozen but there’s no record of an invite. I also would kind of like to get rid of my LinkedIn account because I do not like their practice of spamming your contacts without explicit permission, but I do find it handy when I want to remember who installed the whatsit wherever.

I don’t know why some people go on and on like that either. Maybe they are bores or on the spectrum or NPD or on steroids or hard of hearing. A friend of mine who I have had to walk away from in mid-sentence at times told me that it was anxiety that made her do it. Group conversations are tricky. I have been told that I interrupt, but usually by people who I think go on and on and on. I have also been called blunt, but no one is blunt enough to tell me what I am supposed to say differently. Have you ever looked at Toastmasters? I think the one in my area has a session where you can practice speaking in a group – it’s been on my list of things to try for years.

I hope I am getting back to a place where I feel less overwhelmed. It’s so annoying, it’s like a permanent state of being. I will be done with one huge source of stress by the end of the week. I have no idea when I am going to get back to the other project. Ugh, no, I am starting to get overwhelmed again just thinking about all the crap I have to do. Kind of interesting, though – many of the groups I volunteer with ask you to record your hours. I was three months behind reporting my hours for one umbrella organization and just put it all in yesterday. I really did cut back on the volunteering dramatically in May and June!

I do not have very many snappy days, these days. Dull, boring, tedious, stressful, depressing... none of those seem to contribute to snappy But, today was not altogether un-snappy. I had lunch with my friend, who's back in town visiting... it was really nice to see her and just blab for awhile. And then I came home and played computer games and ate chocolate and just had a grand afternoon - so maybe it was snappy after all!

Do you use LinkedIn to connect with people that install stuff at your house? Or did you mean in the work environment? Last year, I had a mild car accident... just recently the guy who handled the repairs tried to connect to me on LinkedIn. It was so *weird*. It's been a year, and I generally think of LinkedIn just for professional contacts (as in, people I work with, or might work with). I don't know, the guy was nice enough, but gave me a weird vibe at the end when I picked up my car. If you can imagine not realizing you need to tip someone, and them not leaving - because they're waiting for a tip - but you standing there feeling uncomfortable because clearly the interaction is going awry and you don't understand why they're not leaving, it was THAT feeling. Just weird. Blah!

That's interesting that your friend said anxiety is what's causing her to go on and on. Hm. If I knew this woman better, I'd pull her aside and say something, but she's new and I don't really know her that well yet. Toastmasters is a good idea, though I'm not sure that I have a huge problem speaking in front of people - it's only really recently, just this workgroup, where I've started feeling like people just talk right over me. On the other hand, I bet Toastmasters would be a great way to meet some new people! (Though all the meetings around here seem to be at ~7am! I'm so not a morning person!)

I hope you can get to a place of being less constantly overwhelmed too. It's a terrible way to live. Especially... I'm assuming (from what you've said about this company) a lot of the overwhelm is really not anything that is under your control, it's the dysfunction in the company? I think if that's the case, you've got to step back from time to time and remind yourself... not your fault, not your problem, do the best you can with what they're giving you and when you leave, let it go! (Easier said then done!)

Happy upcoming weekend!

Trust your gut instincts and listen to your intuition. Some of the biggest mistakes in my life have occurred when I decided to ignore my initial gut feelings and let people influence me against my better judgment.
"To thine self be true."

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