[winterglen]

To start, I have a long history of being an unforgivably stupid kid. I was the kind of girl people wanted to smack in the face for being so spoiled that I couldn't do the simplest thing without help.

Tonight, I and a coworker (L) were left to close up the place and I was determined to be useful and help out. Because of my stupidity, though, L ended up doing all the work. I did nothing.

I watched the clock closely so I was ready to pounce and do some of the easier stuff twenty minutes before closing. Turns out L did those things thirty minutes before closing. I grabbed the key for the front doors so I could lock up. Turns out L had her own key and, before I could move, she went and locked up the doors. I finally butted in to try to set the manual locks, only I couldn't get it, and L had to advise me how to maneuver the locks the right way.

I apologized for not doing more to help out, and she said it was okay, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't. She must have been really annoyed that she had to do everything herself. I'm sure she even started doing all these things so early because she expected to have to do them by herself, because I'm so useless.

Some days, I wish I could get fired or quit my job, and just stay home and read. It would be worth it if I never had to feel this stupid and worthless ever again.

Hello, winterglen. .

You're not stupid or worthless. I'm sorry you feel this way. The mere fact that you feel badly for not helping out shows that you are a good person.

Ok, so that's what happened. You've apologised for tonight, now let's make tonight a stepping stone for the nights to come. On your next shift, an hour or so before closing, ask your partner, what is it that needs to be done. Designate tasks for each other. Then, get to work on them as soon as you can before closing. That way, you won't feel like she/he does things, and you didn't. And it will also encourage L to share tasks, rather than taking everything upon herself. It'll help you both.

I hope this helps you.

Don't feel bad about tonight, friend. We all have those days where we feel stupid at work for not knowing something, or we feel we hadn't done enough to help someone out. That doesn't make you stupid, or useless. It makes you human.

See tonight as an opportunity to improve things for nights to come.

Take care.

Regards,
Isabelle.

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by winterglen

To start, I have a long history of being an unforgivably stupid kid. I was the kind of girl people wanted to smack in the face for being so spoiled that I couldn't do the simplest thing without help.

Oh no! Winterglen, this makes me so sad. It sounds like you may have been surrounded by really unkind, unloving people who were useless in helping you see the beauty and value that you bring into the world. I'd be willing to bet money that you were not in any way stupid, that you had a lot to offer, but that you were surrounded by really dumb grown-ups who didn't do a good job of validating your strengths.

We've ALL got some things we're naturally really great at, and other things that we naturally are pretty rotten at. That doesn't make us stupid at all. It just means we need to learn where our strengths lie, how to use them, and figure out how to work around our weaknesses. This is true for *EVERYBODY* on the planet, honest!

Tonight, I and a coworker (L) were left to close up the place and I was determined to be useful and help out. ...I watched the clock closely so I was ready to pounce and do some of the easier stuff twenty minutes before closing.

See, none of this screams "stupid" to me. When I read that, I see someone who is helpful, thoughtful, responsible, fair, and wants to carry their own weight. There are a lot of people who aren't like that, who would have been thrilled to let their co-worker do all the work.

Not knowing what needs to be done, or how to do it, does NOT make you stupid. It might mean that you haven't learned these things! I don't know how to change the oil in my car, but I'm not stupid - I just never learned to do that. Same thing here.

I do have a suggestion. Now that you know a little bit about what happens for closing, next time you need to close, you might want to mention to your co-worker earlier in the evening that you want to learn. Something like, "Hey there co-worker! I'm so glad we get to close together tonight. I'd really like to better understand what needs to be done, so would you mind walking through what we need to do with me, so I can learn, and letting me try to do some of it?"

Hopefully, your co-worker helps you understand what gets done, and then watches you do it, and corrects you if there's a mistake. None of this is about being stupid, it's how we learn to do things! That way, next time you close, you've got a better idea of what has to happen, and after a couple tries, you'll be the one getting everything done 30 minutes early

... L had to advise me how to maneuver the locks the right way.

Again, that is not an indication of stupidity, just of being human and trying to learn something new. It happens to everyone at some point. That's how we learn!

I apologized for not doing more to help out, and she said it was okay, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't. She must have been really annoyed that she had to do everything herself

Why do you think it wasn't OK? Is it possible that it really, truly was fine - that she's done the closing routine so many times, that it was in no way a burden for her, and she really didn't give it a second thought?

Think of this another way. What if it WAS really hard and burdensome, and she really wanted you to help out. Don't you think she would have let you know, and asked for help earlier in the evening? Like, "Hey Winterglen, we've got to close tonight. There's a lot to get done, and I can't do it all myself. Have you ever done the closing-inventory-emergency-preparedness-quick-count? No? OK, let me explain how it's done... then if you could do that at exactly 9:45, I can handle the locks and registers, and we'll be out by 10!"

See, I think if it was a burden for her, you would have known, because she would have asked for help. If she didn't ask for help, it's pretty safe to assume she was fine doing everything and didn't feel slighted by having to do it all herself!

I'm sure she even started doing all these things so early because she expected to have to do them by herself, because I'm so useless.

Why do you think that? Again, do you think it's possible she just wanted to do things early so they'd be done, and you guys could head out on time? Or because she was bored and didn't have anything else to do?

I think you're interpreting things in a way that would make anyone feel really worthless and depressed, but I think there's a good chance that your interpretations are not correct! And, that means that you're making yourself feel really awful - for no real reason! I have done this a LOT in my life... but it's something you can learn to overcome. You just need to start noticing how you interpret things, then ask yourself (or the other person, if they're open to these things) if that's real/true. And, believing them when they answer.

So, if you apologized to your co-worker for not helping out, and told her that you felt bad... and she says, "Oh no problem. I close all the time and know how to get through everything quickly by myself, it's really not an issue." - then you should believe that, and not continue worrying that she's secretly annoyed.

It would be worth it if I never had to feel this stupid and worthless ever again.

I am really sorry, and sad, that you feel this way. It's such a hard thing to struggle with. I hope my advice made sense, and that it's something you can work on, because my guess is that you're very very worthwhile, and that you have a lot to offer the people in your life! Have you thought about talking to a counselor for some help figuring out this stuff?

[marmaduke]

guilloche Oh no! Winterglen, this makes me so sad. It sounds like you may have been surrounded by really unkind, unloving people who were useless in helping you see the beauty and value that you bring into the world. I'd be willing to bet money that you were not in any way stupid, that you had a lot to offer, but that you were surrounded by really dumb grown-ups who didn't do a good job of validating your strengths.

Good points, not much too add except that I often felt like this when I was younger. For me it came from being pretty much ignored as a child, (aside from being told what a burden/tiresome nusance I was) I was never taught anything, which meant as I got older I lacked common sense, initative and confidence. To deny basic skills to a child causes 'infanalisation'. Oh, and if I did try to do anything it got ridiculed and rubbished, I was made to feel silly and small.
No wonder self esteem was nil.

I just never learnt how to 'be'.

[Dog on a Tree]

Hello there, sorry to hear that you had a bad day. Your not stupid or useless. You have a good heart and you want to help. Trust me, there are plenty of people who are happy to have other people do their work.

Perhaps next time start doing all the chores early?

[guilloche]

Thanks Marmaduke... and that's really interesting that for you, the self-esteem issues came about from being ignored as a child. That's how I describe most of my childhood too - my parents really didn't seem to have any interest in being parents (especially after a certain point) - they just checked out, completely.

I remember talking to a friend about his kids, years ago, and him saying that he sat one of them down and lectured her for about an hour. I was shocked... I can't remember my parents ever doing anything like that. Yelling, yes. Lecturing? Nope. Having a conversation? Nope. Telling me anything about how the world works, giving me any sort of advice or help, listening to what was going on in my world? Ha!

I think this stuff ends up being so hard once we grow up. I'm lucky that I've had people point it out to me and help a little here and there throughout the years. I don't think it magically fixes everything, but I do think it helps to start noticing when you're coming up with interpretations that are very negative and may not be true, and learning how to "reality check" them when you can.

*hugs*

[Crazy Hitch]

Sorry to hear about this experience winterglen. I'm glad you've got some constructive feedback from the responders to your post.

The only thing I can add from personal experience, generally what I do in life per say, if I'm feeling guilty about a choice I've made I simply ask myself what can I do better next time if I'm faced with the same scenario

[marmaduke]

guilloche
I remember talking to a friend about his kids, years ago, and him saying that he sat one of them down and lectured her for about an hour. I was shocked... I can't remember my parents ever doing anything like that. Yelling, yes. Lecturing? Nope. Having a conversation? Nope. Telling me anything about how the world works, giving me any sort of advice or help, listening to what was going on in my world? Ha!
Same here, I got told off, even slapped occasionally but spoke to. Nope. I do not remember EVER having one real two way conversation with my parents. I was, invisible, unheard, unnoticed. I felt so unreal I suffered disassociation.
Even now I am described as a 'dreamer'.

I remember at 15 years old I had tea at a school friends house, and was astonished!! They sat round the dinner table and--------------------------spoke, yup spoke to each other, laughed, joked and shared stories of their day.
Was this 'normal'. WOW!
I felt uncomfortable though, I didn't know how to act. I froze a bit couldn't speak, no idea what to say.

So different from my house where meals were eaten in stoney silence.

[Killian Hook]

Originally Posted by Lexa2526

Hello, winterglen. .

You're not stupid or worthless. I'm sorry you feel this way. The mere fact that you feel badly for not helping out shows that you are a good person.

Isabelle.

I agree. Don't let others define how you see yourself.

[llleeelllaaannneee]

One of things I like best about work is the routine. I'm super insecure and hard on myself so I really relate to feeling bad when I think I've messed up. But as others have said you didn't do anything awful and you can make up for it by doing things differently next time. There's something kinda reassuring about knowing I can try again.

I had a coworker that really annoyed other coworkers including mysel but he seemed to recognize his issues, obviously worked on them and he ended up being one of my favorite people. One day after I had no longer been working with him I saw him on the street and we gave each other big smiles, I was so happy to see him and realized I really admired him for changing and hanging in there.