Scared of going to work

Im scared of going to work.
it is boring, i work alone and i feel lonely and my mind wanders around, going back on the same negative thoughts in a huge loop making me feel like going crazy.
so im tempted of going back to SH or drink alcohol while at work.
i think i should change my job (also to earn a little more) but its not easy. both because nobody is hiring anywhere and because there are some advantages working where i do (very flexible schedule, only 20 hours a week).
still, bottom line is that IM SCARED OF GOING TO WORK!
what should i do?

If you don't have any attachments - have you thought about changing countries?

thanks but i have my family here and im very attached to them...

I feel the same way every single morning. I usually have a huge temper tantrum with screaming, sobbing, and throwing things around. I do this in hopes of feeling emotionally exhausted to the point that I'll feel numb or withdrawn like a robot. The anxiety of having to deal with not knowing what kind of day I'm going to have or not having anything to look forward to that would give me enough incentive to WANT to deal with my day. The worst days is when I don't trust myself...will I have an episode, will I put my hands on someone? Will people start whispering and laughing at me? My driving has gotten so aggressive I now carpool with my boyfriend because my road rage puts every single person's life in danger. One moment I can demonstrate patience and tolerance then the next moment I want to destroy everything my path. I don't even trust my doctor's. I'm trying to keep things together or I'll lose my healthcare. Without my medication I will be nothing but a menace to society.

I don't even have a plan B. Where do we start?

My T says its not the job itself the trigger but what i think when i am at work that triggers a loop in my head that makes me cry. I tend to agree. I go there and think its impossible i'm still there with the same "temporary" job since 4 years ago and i think i failed in everything. I am reminded of when i used to drink and cut there and i am so tempted to do the same and then i cry. I dont want to go on like this...