[Xando2]

I want to preface this post with the caveat that I'm feeling really, really angry right now. Not necessarily about what I'm about to say, but angry no less. So, even I know that what's coming is probably not accurate and is likely just emotions. So, some salt.

Previously, I had applied for a manager opening in my own department. I was ultimately denied because I'm too important to the department in my current role (super geek). I've since come to believe that really they just don't think I'm capable of the management role. I have nothing to go on but my gut, which has rarely been correct. A bit more salt.

This week I found out that my role at work is changing. I'm still NOT getting promoted, but they are having me "lead" a bit of the department. No title change, no salary increase, no one actually reporting to me. Feels like just more work. It's being presented to me as an opportunity to see if it works and that there could be a management position in the future. The VP a couple weeks ago in my interview said she'd try to find a way to get me into management without taking me too far away from my technical depth. I myself am taking that with a HUGE grain of salt.

They did hire the guy the AVP wanted from the start to takeover NONE of the outgoing managers work (I get that stuff), but instead is taking over the super sexy, highly visible part of the department. Basically everything the other manager had. The AVP loves this guy. I'm a bit of used dental floss compared to this guy in her eyes. I'm gum on the bottom of her shoe. The itch in the middle of her back she can't reach. That's how it feels right now with all her gushing. Probably lots of salt here.

The AVP did say that I need to be careful with the team because I set a very high standard for myself and can't expect the same from the team. I would think that setting a high standard was good, but apparently that just means I "have no life." Her words.

My role is the be the "lead" of the biggest, newest, shiniest computer system for the division and our department. It is very visible across the company right now. So, not really chopped liver. I know it's not like they're just doing it to get me to shut up and do my job and stop trying to better myself. And other than the sickening gushing of the AVP, nothing bad has been said to me or about me. More salt.

I will admit that I'm feeling overwhelmed at present. Not about the responsibilities (cause I'll kick ***), but the lack of authority to go with this new role. Why would any of the people who I'm supposed to lead, listen to me even a little. The AVP would need to make the case to them, and that's something she's not shown to be very excited doing. So now I'm worried that I won't be able to delegate anything and end up doing it myself. Because I can. And then I'm back to being stuck.

Now here is my reality. No salt needed. I really, really want this position and the responsibilities that go with it. I want the new system and the people I'm leading to be successful and grow. I want the AVP and VP to be proud of me and be happy they made this decision. I know this is a great opportunity, that 2 weeks ago I didn't have. So, I know the universe is trying to align things for me and I have to let it.

This is where I would write the woe is me bit about how bad things are for me because... anxiety, the world is against me, A/VPs don't like me, whatever. And believe me my inner voice is doing a number on me. I just SO want to be happy and excited about this, but today now that it's been spelled out for the department, I'm feeling very gloomy.

Anyway, that's my updated situation. Thanks for making it this far, I was about to bail half way through.

[hvert]

I was just thinking of you yesterday and wondering if your company ever made good.

Definitely a mixed bag, here. It's nice they are giving your more responsibility... but it also sounds like they are doing the same thing they did before, giving you two jobs to do at once in the same amount of time. And the AVP doesn't really hide how she feels, does she?

Re: authority and delegation. Absolutely do not do the work yourself, even when you are tempted to because it is easier! I have huge struggles with this and know that I shoot myself in the foot by taking on too much and then being too busy or too stressed to tackle the really strategic projects.

What exactly do they want you to do on this project? I mean, what actual concrete tasks are involved? How are they measuring your success in this role?

[hvert]

Also, how are they supporting you? What do *you* think you need to be successful in whatever they have outlined? They need to give you something more than extra responsibility.

[Xando2]

Thanks very much and again, hvert!

I really don't know what's going on. I accept that I'm somewhat naive about how people operate at higher levels in a company, but I want to believe the VP and AVP are doing this out of true desire to help me grow as an employee. 2 weeks ago nothing was going to happen for me. So this is at least something. They put this idea together, I have to believe, because they want and need me to stay. I want to believe they want me to be successful.

But as much as I want to believe, I don't. Every fiber of my being thinks that this has some nefarious action behind it. I have a very hard time trusting people, especially when they say trust me. Which is what they're telling me now. Trust them that a promotion could come from this. I have no real reason not to trust them, but the voice in my head is yelling at me to not trust anyone. And that's a terrible way to live.

I plan to learn more from them next week about what they really want and need from me in this position. But in the grand scheme I think the best for everyone is probably for me to move on. I'm a crutch for them. They're family and friends for me. Neither of us is growing. Neither of us is happy. And it's all dysfunctional.

Right now, today, if I quit, I'd probably just opt to quit quit. I really don't see a future for myself. This job and these people have become my everything. And when that goes away, everything goes away. Why keep living.

Sorry, today is another really bad day and all I want is for the pain and the voices to stop.

[Xando2]

Sorry to intrude.

Today I'm having a really hard time. I'm thinking about quit quitting. It just feels like the whole world wants me to go away.

Apologies to everyone who has responded to help and to those who've rolled their eyes at my totally unimportant worries. I'm sorry that I couldn't be a better person and that I've forced my pathetic life on you.

This is my last post.

[hvert]

I hope you are feeling better since your last post and that you are getting some help in real life

Do you have any hobbies outside of work? I know you've mentioned in the past that you've devoted a lot of time to your job, to the detriment of other aspects of your life.

[winter4me]

It sounds like you really want something that you are afraid to really want....whether because you do not trust the people who can help make that possible, or because you have some self-doubt. But, it sounds like you have great value, (& I totally understand about getting the 'lead' without the authority you need to do this well, it can feel like, or even be a kind of set up for "failure" but...it can also be an opportunity...
If you can focus on the work, and put aside what you think they think I think you should go for what you want, and make it clear to them what you want/need in order to continue at the company. Don't run....(I say this after running many times...and end up seeing the "could have been" in the rear view mirror)---it is worth it to try for what you want, and take your time to look elsewhere to build another work world (you might want to look just to "window shop")----but try to hang in there till you can make a decision that is good for you. (((((((((hug))))))

[Xando2]

I said I wouldn't post again, but felt I needed to. I finally told the AVP about my worry that they just wanted me to work hard and that when the big project was complete the promotion would suddenly disappear. She said that was never her intention nor of the VP. They really want this to work out, but want everyone to be certain. Including me.

They've involved me more and have been trying to ensure that I'm aware of things going on, even before anyone else knows. Big meetings and big announcements, I'm being included in ahead of time. I was made employee of the month for January. My former boss, who I assumed was responsible, said that it was all the AVP. She wanted me to have it. One or two days where things were getting to me, the AVP came to me to ask if I was OK. Told me that I work too hard and that the project was a marathon not a sprint. I had a half day off scheduled but because of some things going on with the project, cancelled it at the last minute and worked instead. AVP was disappointed that I didn't take the time off. Because I'm not a manager, I can't take management training but the VP is trying to see what she can do. VP even agreed to be my mentor.

Objectively, if I look at everything going on it seems like they're doing a lot to ensure that I'm happy and feel valued. If you were to ask what I wanted from my job currently, I have been given almost everything I could ever ask for.

But I focus so much on not being given a real promotion and not enough on the actual work. I want so much to feel like I make any difference and I feel like not being given the promotion yet is like being the lone adult at the kids table. I don't know how to let it all go and do the job they want me to do. They've given me an opportunity to prove myself to them and convince myself that the promotion is the right move for both sides. And I'm just wasting it all focusing on the wrong thing.

I no longer think that what's going on is some big scheme by my management. I'll take the AVP at her word and action. But I still can't completely just accept things and move forward. I was stuck in my career before and I feel more stuck now. Not from lack of opportunity or involvement, but from lack of belief in myself. And that sucks, because I'm pretty lucky all things considered.

[hvert]

I am glad the company kept their word and that they are trying to do right by you. Everything they are doing seems like the right thing. It sucks you still feel stuck in your career -- do you think you will be able to treat the project and the workplace like a marathon and not a sprint? Tackling that may send a really strong signal to the AVP... and also just be good for your own peace of mind. Finding a life outside of work is really important.

[Xando2]

Thanks hvert. They do seem to be doing the right things. And other than a few administrative things, my day would not change much if I got a title change. I would just feel better. I struggle with feeling that I'm not good enough.