[vishva8kumara]

I'm a software engineer. There are so many things going wrong at work. First of all, there is a new architect who really doesn't know what he is doing. He is taking stupid decisions without asking me, that would lead several projects to peril. He is forcing us a re-engineering of an ongoing large project I have put a lot of effort on, and his suggested technologies cannot accommodate many requirements of the project. I'm convinced that he will destroy all our hard work on that.

There is a project coordinator who is always pushing me into other projects, and he comes into my department like every hour to check on the work. And he STINKS.! There is another project coordinator who is also distracting me from my main project and he with the new architect does not understand anything technical. I don't know how to explain a simple thing to them; I would rather learn and teach French to a cow. They are idiots, and I get quite irritated when working with idiots.

One of them pats my shoulder when leaving the office. [I'm usually the last one to leave the office, and sometimes the last one to come to office (so I (feel like I should) compensate, not to finish the work though)]. I really hate to be touched by a stranger, and specially when they are stupid or stinks.

[vishva8kumara]

Our office has been renovated recently, and they didn't do it part by part, but the whole office complex at once. There was so much noise and calamity, with dust everywhere and the smell of new paint was all sickening.

Most of all, my (and several others) salary has been delayed for weeks, and this has been going for several months now. I would have to take money from credit card and now having to pay interest, late charges, stamp duty for OD and all that because of this. I'm quite irritated at the whole thing. I'm at the verge of quitting this. When I asked about the salary, they said that they will complete it by the end of the week (Friday).

This whole thing makes me feel like I'm not doing well at work, while some coordinators and colleagues telling me to slow down and not to burn out. I'm very fast at work, and according to my calculations, my productivity is between 400 to 500% compared to peers. I can work myself to drop dead. I could be such a workaholic at times, specially when there is more stress like this. I'm addicted to drown my stress on more work, and something like this lead to my most recent episode/meltdown.

So I looked at other jobs. I have over 10 years of experience, but not completed a degree, so I have less confidence on getting a good job. I have contacts, and have showcased my skills at competitions, so there is a chance. For my level of expertise, I cannot start from zero in a new place. I have to get on a senior level if changing the job. When I was trying to move to another job, my boss raised my salary to keep me. But they are delaying it now. I feel so effed up right now. There is no motivation left to do anything there.

[vishva8kumara]

My mom is in the hospital, so I went to see her by mid-day. She was sedated, and all vitals were in normal range. My daughter's birthday is just next weekend, and I was planning to get her a Chromebook. I'm so sick and need to see my PDoc soon, and therapy and meds also cost.

Here: https://forums.psychcentral.com/mind...y-program.html
There are several more ****** situations I'm going through.

So, today, I went on a strike. I was feeling very bad. I'm trembling, and my mind is pulled apart by another internal conflict [I have suppressed all my emotions for my wife for over an year, and now those emotions are enraged]. In other words, I'm in Total ****.

I have effing responsibilities and I'm ironically too late and too early at the same time to quit on life.

So I had to take some Xanax, this time up-to 0.5mg (which for me is a lot). When they kicked in, I was feeling sooo good.

[vishva8kumara]

When I came back to office, I didn't have any motivation to do any work. I started a one man strike.

I did the bare minimum work I have to do (to save the day). I watched several YouTube videos and downloaded some videos, gave away some Xanax to some other people at work (who would like to receive a Xanax). I was speaking a bit loud implying that I'm looking for another job. I know for a fact that I'm the most hard working engineer they will ever find. But if I behave crazy enough, they would probably fire me.

When a project coordinator asked me to get some work done, I told him that I will finish it by the end of the week (which is what my boss told me about my salary), I implied that as well, loudly.

I was banging the table and shouting and pretended that I'm rolling a joint (cannabis), but just put tobacco though, and smoked it right outside a window.

I really don't know what I was doing, but I had so much frustration to let out. I think I was expecting either police or NIMH would come to pick me up and lock me away. But I din't feel to care at all.

[hvert]

Wow! I am going to remember your line about teaching French to a cow - that was very funny. I hope your company PAYS you, that is ridiculous, all this pressure to meet deadlines when they can't be bothered to sort out your check??? Maybe you won't be the only one on strike...

[Shazerac]

It sounds like your job is very stressful. I'm concerned that you are to the point of shouting and banging on tables. This could cause you to get fired. if this job is not working out it would be less stressful for you to get another one while you still have a job. Being jobless and with no good job reference (from getting fired) would probably be even worse.

[vishva8kumara]

Actually, I got paid all money up-to now. It is only when the payments gets delayed weeks, or sometimes almost the end of next month.

Things have improved since then. But there are other troubles.

I have caught up on another project where they didn't have enough engineers, so I had to join. There is too much workload there that most people on this project have to work till midnight from 10 AM. It is like sitting 14 hours in front of a computer. The most annoying thing about this project is the choice of technology, which throws random errors that are not helpful in fixing the errors.

With all this happening, I found that I have been smoking more, and getting intoxicated.

Last Saturday I missed my meds, because I was sleeping till mid-day. By evening, after a drink my OCD got very bad; I couldn't do anything. Afterwards I was feeling extremely guilty.