[Katie4]

Hi,
My name is Katie. i have been struggling with this problem for long. I don't know what to do, I simply feel paralyzed.
My problem is "I can't work"

Actually, I am a content writer/blogger/freelancer. I am good at my job. I get projects easily as my clients really like my work. I am also working on my own blogs and websites because I know I can earn more by this. Sounds good so far but the problem is, when i get a project, I can't work on it. If a client gives me 5 articles to write and 5 days to work on it. I will delay the work first or my mind wanders and when the deadline comes nearer I just give up.

I sit on my chair at 7 am in the morning and till 6 pm in the evening I sit on my chair. This is a lot of time to accomplish any big task but I simply can't work. I can't get my mind to think, my mind refuses to do any effort. I watch videos, and do random stuff other than "work" I feel paralyzed. I can't explain as anyone who will read this will think come on this is lame, Just get yourself working, but for me it is getting very very hard day by day.

Another thing I want to mention is that I need money for survival and the only way of survival is this freelance work. I know I can earn a good amount of money, but I can't work.

Let me explain it further, if I have to write an article for a website, i will open all the resources and when I start to think my mind gets blank. This doesn't happen when I write sample article for my clients. This happens in actual projects that can earn me a lot of money. I don't know I am able to explain my situation or not.

I went to a psychiatrist and she prescribed a Depression medicine. I started using it and after 2 days i had severe headache continuously so I stopped the medicine.

I also think about doing job in a company but I am afraid that I will not be productive there.

I have 2 projects with deadlines approaching but I am not able to work on any of them. I sit all day staring on the screen.

I started taking Modafinil 100mg once daily. I felt some change and clarity in my thoughts but it also didn't work for me. I know the medicine is not a magic that will get me to work, I have to do the real effort.

Anyone who is getting my problem please please help me.. I am feeling myself useless.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Katie: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Here are links to some articles from PsychCentral's archives on the subject of procrastination that may be of some interest:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/your-...ocrastination/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/learn-a...ocrastination/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-step...y-out-of-life/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-to...ocrastination/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/heali...le-of-anxiety/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/getting...ocrastination/

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[seesaw]

i understand what you're going through. I'm a freelancer too, and it takes a lot of self discipline. As much as we like to make our own schedules, we are also slave to the deliverables we promise.

I wonder if your procrastination comes from anxiety about the outcome? I was stuck in place because I was so anxious about actually doing the work well that I wouldn't get started on it at all.

You have to get comfortable with the idea that when you start the work, it's going to be bad. For example, I'm a writer...so my first draft, I know will be bad. It's just me getting words on the page for the client.

When I'm stuck or looking at information but can't get started, I have found it really helps to call someone and just talk it out so I can get started. Just find someone to be a sounding board. It sounds simple but it really helps. Sometimes I can do this with the client. Like I'll call them and put them on speaker and just have them talk and I'll type everything they say (and I type very fast so this works really well for me). If it's an article, etc., I have them talk me through the outline or the ideas that they want presented. Then after I get off the phone with them, I make a task list to complete it and just force myself to sit there until I finish each task for the article.

So the first task could be I have to take the outline and turn it into real sentences. Then the second sentence is pulling in the research to support different statements in the article. Third could be finding the right visuals. Then lastly I'll proofread and edit.

As one writer to another, the only way to get through the procrastination is to just force yourself to write. No matter how bad it is. The first draft will always suck. If you can allow yourself to let the first draft be just words on page, no self-editing, no analyzing, just the words and ideas on the page so you can then craft them to be polished and word-smithed, then you will find things a lot easier.

I think you probably avoid, and therefore procrastinate, because of anxiety. It sounds like your clients are pretty happy with you though, so your anxiety is unfounded and irrational. If you can remind yourself of that throughout the day, and try and push through, you will find things get easier.

I was just like you a few months ago. But I have worked to confront that anxiety and now when I feel that procrastination coming on, and that anxiety that paralyzes me, I write down small, simple things to get myself moving forward, and eventually I find myself plowing through the work like it's nothing.

You can overcome this.

Seesaw

[rechu]

I am a writer and translator as well. I have a full-time job researching/writing web content and translate freelance on the side. I agree with what seesaw said about just getting something down on paper. With my translating I do feel stuck at times just make my self sit down and go paragraph by paragraph, typing in something in the target language under each. Later I go back and revise a bunch of times, check some things in the dictionary if I need to, etc. Definitely, finding a way to push yourself to type something is the way to start.

[Katie4]

Thank you Skeezyks for the links, I have read them and they are really helpful.

Thank you seesaw for the helpful suggestions. I think my problem is somehow the same. Let me give you and example. I my client gives me 10 articles to write for his product, and he has only one product/software. I actually start thinking how can I write a lot on a same topic again and again.

Sometimes I think it is procrastination, but then I think no it is not. I don't delay my work, the thing is I just don't want to do it at all. Or I should say I want to do the work but my mind doesn't allow me to. I have tried to do it forcefully, I did all the efforts to keep on track but in vain. I have been struggling with it for long. Sometimes I feel like if there was someone who I will be answerable to regarding my work then may be I will get my self working.
You know online freelancing platforms are so so strict, anyone who starts working there is so vulnerable in terms of their reputation. A single mistake and you are nowhere.

I go for morning walk as well to keep my mind fresh. I am taking 7 to 8 hours of sleep and it is enough for me, I don't feel lazy or tired. But the moment I start writing something, my mind starts giving me signals that I need rest, I should sleep I forgot to mention this before. Yes, whenever I start doing mental work, i feel sleepy. This is the reason I started taking Modafinil.

I really helps when we discuss our issues with someone, and I am really feeling good. At least I can speak about my problem here.

Thanks Rechu for your advice.

[Katie4]

One more thing. I am not a confident person. This is the reason I always offer my clients free sample work, and when they agree to it I feel good about it. I feel like, if I did good once doesn't mean I will do good and then again.
I know anyone I work with really likes my work on first place and when they give me a project I try to sneak.

[Revu2]

Hi Katie,

I sense that underneath "my mind can't think" are a pair of dynamics (at least). I know from my training in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) that one early step is to untangle the mess and take up each one-by-one.

First clue: "This doesn't happen when I write sample article for my clients. This happens in actual projects that can earn me a lot of money."

Simply put: you feel the stakes have changed. Pitching for work: eh, maybe they take it, maybe not. I have nothing to lose.

Working the pitch for a lot of money: OMG, what the hell have I gotten myself into? I promised what? By when? I have everything to lose.

Under that: this has to be great, so much is riding on it.

Alright mind, give me something great and life-saving.

Mind: _ _ _ _ _ [whispering: I can't work under these conditions]

Pausing here to see if I'm about right on the inner talk. + I have to get to my own work.

Am I?

Revu2

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Revu2

Hi Katie,

I sense that underneath "my mind can't think" are a pair of dynamics (at least). I know from my training in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) that one early step is to untangle the mess and take up each one-by-one.

First clue: "This doesn't happen when I write sample article for my clients. This happens in actual projects that can earn me a lot of money."

Simply put: you feel the stakes have changed. Pitching for work: eh, maybe they take it, maybe not. I have nothing to lose.

Working the pitch for a lot of money: OMG, what the hell have I gotten myself into? I promised what? By when? I have everything to lose.

Under that: this has to be great, so much is riding on it.

Alright mind, give me something great and life-saving.

Mind: _ _ _ _ _ [whispering: I can't work under these conditions]

Pausing here to see if I'm about right on the inner talk. + I have to get to my own work.

Am I?

Revu2

Revu has done a good job here describing the paralyzing anxiety I described. Will be interested to here your response.

[Katie4]

Thanks Revu2. This is exactly the case. I feel like crying.. this is exactly what happens.

[Katie4]

Originally Posted by Revu2

Hi Katie,

I sense that underneath "my mind can't think" are a pair of dynamics (at least). I know from my training in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) that one early step is to untangle the mess and take up each one-by-one.

First clue: "This doesn't happen when I write sample article for my clients. This happens in actual projects that can earn me a lot of money."

Simply put: you feel the stakes have changed. Pitching for work: eh, maybe they take it, maybe not. I have nothing to lose.

Working the pitch for a lot of money: OMG, what the hell have I gotten myself into? I promised what? By when? I have everything to lose.

Under that: this has to be great, so much is riding on it.

Alright mind, give me something great and life-saving.

Mind: _ _ _ _ _ [whispering: I can't work under these conditions]

Pausing here to see if I'm about right on the inner talk. + I have to get to my own work.

Am I?

Revu2

My replies on the posts are not showing
I agree with you evaluation. Please carry on.

[Revu2]

Hi Katie4,

There's help! B r e a t h e.

I myself faced this same strain while in Ph.D land. Have my degree by the way, so I discovered some things that worked for me. Your success may vary (variant of YMMV).

The first thing to do is separate the work from the Inner Critic. The Inner Critic thinks it's Very Important. It's a good energy when brought in at the right time. Like swinging a hammer, it's good when nailing wood but not so good when installing windows.

Have you much experience with internal dialogues or Gestalt Therapy or Dreamwork? This suggestion is based on those tools, so if not, search for video demonstrations. Watch several to make sure the first isn't some kook.

Back to grad school. I said to my Inner Critic.

Me: Whoa, you're strong.

IC: Yup.

Me: Why are you here at the beginning?

IC: To help of course.

Me: Oh, good. But there's nothing here, my screen is blank.

IC: Well, I don't want them to judge you.

Me: You know there are several types of judging, don't you?

IC: There are? No, people can only think harshly, expose you as a pretender and imposter, and kick you to the curb.

Me: Well, they might. Or they might not if my spelling and grammar are correct. True? That'll buy a chance to improve to their liking rather than facing exile. This is going to take cycles as we both develop and share with each other what "great" looks like.

IC: Yeah, well, true enough.

Me: They don't really know either. We have our guesses, but nothing is real. How about this, you let me be free to fill the screen. You job can be to critique distractions or interruptions and tell them to stay quiet, I'm working.

Then when I'm tell you my Top Secret Private Draft needs improving (your specialty) you step in and apply all the rules for spelling, punctuation, grammar, etc. down to the smallest detail. Then I'll keep the distractions out. Deal?

IC: Well, but is it really great?

Me: Guess what? That's not for us to decide! The standard is not is it great but is it ready!! When you and I agree it's ready, we release to my readers and find out together. If they don't think it's the Next Big Thing, at least we won't be dinged from spelling & grammar. Whatever they think, we'll cope. But you have to help me get it to them early or on time. Early is judged better. Today would be best! If we don't get anything in, what will they think of us then?

IC: Early is better? Today is best!? What are we doing here gabbing! Get to Work!

Me: Can I at least get some tea?

IC: Not right now. [Pssst Cheerleader, I need help]

Cheerleader: It can wait 10 minutes, here, sketch something, and think about it as your tea steeps ...

IC & Cheerleader: C'mon, time's fleeing. Go! Go! Go!

Me: Geez ... [I got to work]

Revu2

[Katie4]

Thank you for taking time for me. I am really grateful.
This can help me I know but I don't know how to use technique for my situation.
Below are some of my previous replies which were posted late, because I am new to this forum. Please read if you didn't read them before.

"I go for morning walk as well to keep my mind fresh. I am taking 7 to 8 hours of sleep and it is enough for me, I don't feel lazy or tired. But the moment I start writing something, my mind starts giving me signals that I need rest, I should sleep. Yes, whenever I start doing mental work, i feel sleepy. This is the reason I started taking Modafinil.

One more thing. I am not a confident person. This is the reason I always offer my clients free sample work, and when they agree to it I feel good about it. I feel like, if I did good once doesn't mean I will do good again.
I know anyone I work with really likes my work on first place and when they give me a project I try to sneak."

I am never a confident person. I want to start working on my own websites and I know that with continuous effort and hard work I will be able to earn more, but then I think what if it never happens, what if my this idea will never work, still I do try to work because there is no way I can give up. I have to keep struggling because I need money to survive.

I think I was like this as a child and in my school. This is the reason I never got good grades but I feel surprised that my concepts in physics and maths are still clear after a long time.

Now, writing as a freelancer and working on my own projects, are two different things. But, when I think about writing, the thought of doing work for my own website disturbs and vice versa. In the end I do nothing except regret. This regret kills me daily, I feel like I can't do anything.

Recently 2 of my Orders were cancelled because they were late, I gave my clients some excuses and they didn't mind. One of the client was so nice that he asked me to do his work when ever i will feel better.

another thing. If I have to write 10 articles on a single topic, I get stuck, I continuously think how can I write on same topic again and again, I run out of ideas and words before even starting to write. Some more clients are approaching me for work and I really want to do this time because I really need money, I don't want that paralyzing thing to happen again.

[Katie4]

When do you come online on this forum. I wait a lot for your replies.

[Katie4]

One more thing, as I told you I am not confident at all and with this I really mean at all. I don't know what should I tell people when they ask me what do I do for a living, I think in my head, should I say I write content for websites? is this enough? what should I tell them to give a good impression?

This is may be because I have never achieved anything in my life. And I think I will feel complete when I will achieve at least something. And to achieve anything, I need to work, and to work.... you know what happens with me.

I am really sorry if I have asked too many questions. but I think you can help

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Katie4

One more thing, as I told you I am not confident at all and with this I really mean at all. I don't know what should I tell people when they ask me what do I do for a living, I think in my head, should I say I write content for websites? is this enough? what should I tell them to give a good impression?

This is may be because I have never achieved anything in my life. And I think I will feel complete when I will achieve at least something. And to achieve anything, I need to work, and to work.... you know what happens with me.

I am really sorry if I have asked too many questions. but I think you can help

Hi Katie,

I think you can tell people that you are a writer. That's enough to give a good impression. If they ask what kind of writing, you could say you provide content for businesses to publish online, like marketing content, product reviews, etc. Honestly, I think people would find that impressive since a lot of people are terrible writers and don't understand at all how to put a sentence together.

I think you need to talk to a therapist. From everything I hear, it sounds like you suffer from a form of performance anxiety. When you describe that the second you sit down to write, you feel sleepy, anxious, unable to work...that is textbook performance anxiety. A therapist could help you work through that.

The sleepiness could be a sort of defense mechanism your body produces when you start to feel anxiety. I get that a lot. My brain does not want to deal with any more anxiety, so it turns to sleep to shut it out. A therapist will help you deal with the performance anxiety directly and help you learn how to be productive and tackle your fears about not meeting your clients needs.

It's unfortunate when our mental health gets in the way of completing a project, as you mentioned in another post about cancelling contracts, but it happens. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, forgive yourself, learn from it, figure out how to cope next time, and try again.

Seesaw

[Katie4]

Thanks Seesaw.. but what kind of therapist. I have told that when I went to a Psychologist/psychiatrist she prescribed a depression medicine that caused severe headache.
And at the moment I think I will not be able to afford one.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Katie4

Thanks Seesaw.. but what kind of therapist. I have told that when I went to a Psychologist/psychiatrist she prescribed a depression medicine that caused severe headache.
And at the moment I think I will not be able to afford one.

I am thinking a therapist who is a psychologist not a psychiatrist. So not someone who will prescribe you meds, but someone who will work with you on developing skills to manage your anxiety. Also, ask your psychiatrist for a different anti-depressant if the one she gave you made you have headaches. There are many anti-depressants out there. It's quite possible you will find one that works for you.

Seesaw

[Revu2]

Hi Katie4,

If you are in Pakistan as your location note says, and I'm in Seattle, it looks like we're 11 or 12 hours apart. When it's noon where you are it's midnight here.

I'll look at your other writing.

Revu2

[Revu2]

Hi Katie4,

Thanks for your openness.

I notice that your client stress keys on lateness.

Can I start with getting focused on getting something in/confident feelings/ as doing this will keep the money flowing till you learn to work with your anxiety, not against it.

It is a learning zone, for sure, to appreciate being the artist and the person evaluating the work before releasing to the client. The key is to bring evaluation (I call it my Inner Critic) to the right place and time in the process so that you have work done to evaluate (privately before sending to client)!

Once, In Boston, I took a Sunday walk to buy the paper. The vendor and I began to talk, and he said, “Can I offer you some advice?”

Me: sure.

He: Before I do, do you mind if I sketch you? [Which he did really quickly on a blank part of one of the newspapers pages.]

Me: That’s really good. (trailing off implying, “And why are you here selling papers?”) [wish I’d kept that sketcn!]

He: I wasn’t fast enough. I was a perfectionist working in advertising. I was always under pressure because my material was later than my peers. What they did wasn’t what I would call perfect, but it was in on time. They go promoted, I got canned. I learned the hard way, set your goal for “good enough” and get it in on time!

That’s a very vivid lesson in my life and something I re applied you might notice in my dialogue about writing my school papers.

To spotlight my turning point: I realized that if I can move my mental focus away from “great” to “I’ve done what I can, I’ve applied to it the rules for grammar, etc. then I’ll have to let it go to my readers (or clients). It doesn’t feel 100% because I haven’t certified to myself it’s greatness. So be it. I leave that decision to my committee members.”

When I turn in something good enough am I confident the client will think it’s adequate to great? Often, no. I turn it over anyway and keep my performance anxiety in check. Very often the reader/client comes back and says, this is brilliant.

In fact, I just shared one of my grad school timeline with a friend and he wrote: Your writing is pure gold!

Most of the content for blogs etc. are about frequency (like a daily paper) and less about brilliance. The brilliance accumulates over time as subscribers and others select which ones have value. So, you, as the content starter, are two steps removed from really knowing what’s ‘great.’

Think of columnist and journalists who re-print collections of their work. They don’t reprint every one, most of the time. Some they ground out after too late a night of partying and under intense deadline pressure. While those were the work-a-day pieces, they probably keeping drop files of other ideas, clipping articles and other pieces, and picking up ideas for conversations, plays, movies, etc. Those slower pieces might come together a bit now, a bit later. Meanwhile they still make their daily deadline. When the slower ones are ready they enter the queue and get published like the other ones.

The reprinted pieces either they especially liked, their editor liked, or it became popular and well known due to readers’ reactions.

Journalists have editors and the ferocious pace of daily deadlines. And you said if you can be accountable to someone …

Well, here we are at PC.

Tell us how much of your private drafting (not for client eyes, poor or shi#y first drafts) you will get done soon and then check back in. If it helps, PM that to me.

I’ll unpack more of my Inner Critic work in other posts.

Revu2

[wordshaker]

Hi Katie,

I had a hard time responding to your post because your difficulties are so similar to mine, and I'm in a bit of a down spiral with the same things myself in a new job I just started last week. There are important evaluations looming that require immediate activity, and I'm also hiding from an error I made and possibly stepped on someone's toes.

I have had the exact same paralysis/inertia/torpor in response to tasks most needing doing. I experience the same inability to engage - and just can't, as if a giant boulder stands between me and the task, blocking me. It's insane. I went through 20 weeks of CBT for it and it was wholly unsuccessful. My stomach sinks, my mind blanks, my brain becomes wrapped in cotton. Sometimes I hear the word T - o - r - p - o - r playing as if in slow-mo in my brain while processes wind to a stop. I have experienced this since high school and it's most significant when there is a direct assignment due, and the more important the assignment the more intense the inability to launch. The stakes have to be at a critical tipping point of total failure (partial failure already sustained) before any gears will shift into place AT ALL.

Like you, I'm pretty active in getting a job and then once it's secured I plummet. I'm struggling with it right now. This minute.

So I want to share the few things that have helped me at times.
1. Moving my body and focusing on the fact that my limbs are moving

2. Attempting to remember and recapture my initial feeling and enthusiasm about wanting/taking-on the task, when I was full of ideas and telling myself how this time would be different because I would....(fill in).

3. More recently - - acknowledging that I was hurt (in my case, not sure yours) and that the hurt resulted in an injury. I needed to acknowledge I'm not like everyone else. I have a sort of disability because I was hurt. It changed my brain in ways that make things difficult for me, that cause me to shut down when anything even hints at overwhelming me.

And I own that the prospect of my own agency, my potential to act, in and of it's self overwhelms me. Maybe it's because my abuse informed me that my own agency was not real. (i.e. if I can't act to protect my own body, something that basic, well then really what can I do?) Maybe it's because I'm afraid of what my own agency would have been. (Would I hurt? Kill? Myself? Someone else? Was I complicit? Was that my agency?). Or maybe my hippocampus or limbic system were messed up as a kid.

So for me it is important to realize I have to first just STOP and give myself a break. Given not only what happened to me, but HOW I experienced what happened to me - I'm a miracle. It's a gosh darn (clean version) miracle that I'm sitting here and that I haven't completely dragged every person near me into the vortex that is me. SO that's something, at least. I've just gotta take 1 minute to give myself a little credit for that.

For me that helps to take the pressure off and reduce the intense panic.

4. I contemplate my worst case scenario. I imagine it. Okay then. I won't likely die, so what will I have? So I imagine I am homeless, I'm forced to live in a shelter, I'm forced to apply for every sort of public help, people are disappointed in me, I've failed. Sometimes I imagine I've become a beggar of sorts, selling little scrolled poems for change at the subway... So what would I have? Well first of all the pressure would be off in a way. Second the world wouldn't end. I'd still be myself. Likely people I know would still love me - some anyway. I'd still have a capacity for love. I'd still be able to walk, to laugh, to make a plan.

So anyway, imagining this makes me realize my worst case catastrophe isn't really all that bad. So I don't really HAVE to do the task at hand, it's more a case of being the more preferable of options.

5. here's what I'm going to try tonight. I'm just going to do SOMETHING. I'm just going to sit there with my bullcrap stuff together and force something out on the paper, even if it is utter nonsense, a bunch of: b-b-b'' b' bb ''b 'b b' b'.... (that's a bunch of stuttering letter 'b' sounds).

I'll let you know how it works out. If nothing else, you can know I am just as screwed up as you are. So maybe we can be friends of sorts in that.

Oh, then there are small things I sometimes remember that help. Associations. One is Karl Jung. In his autobiography (Memories, Dreams, Reflections) he talks about being a somewhat weak-constitutioned 10 or 11 year old. He was afraid to go to school. He was afraid to work. He would actually faint over the homework. Get a nosebleed. He was withdrawn from school (maybe, not sure) and whatever it was he somehow realized he had to tackle this thing. So he took on the task at hand and fainted. When he resumed consciousness, he went at it again, and again... He finally overcame the "spells" by sheer force. Anyway he's CARL JUNG after all - going through the same darn thing as you! Who know's why. But pushing through the fear worked. He was able to defeat it that way. So maybe you can too. If I think of any other nuggets, I'll let you know.

Also, prozac is currently curbing it a bit.

This was long, sorry, I hope it's worth the time to read. One never knows - you may be quite different from me. But I thought it was worth a try.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Revu2

Hi Katie4,

Thanks for your openness.

I notice that your client stress keys on lateness.

Can I start with getting focused on getting something in/confident feelings/ as doing this will keep the money flowing till you learn to work with your anxiety, not against it.

It is a learning zone, for sure, to appreciate being the artist and the person evaluating the work before releasing to the client. The key is to bring evaluation (I call it my Inner Critic) to the right place and time in the process so that you have work done to evaluate (privately before sending to client)!

Once, In Boston, I took a Sunday walk to buy the paper. The vendor and I began to talk, and he said, “Can I offer you some advice?”

Me: sure.

He: Before I do, do you mind if I sketch you? [Which he did really quickly on a blank part of one of the newspapers pages.]

Me: That’s really good. (trailing off implying, “And why are you here selling papers?”) [wish I’d kept that sketcn!]

He: I wasn’t fast enough. I was a perfectionist working in advertising. I was always under pressure because my material was later than my peers. What they did wasn’t what I would call perfect, but it was in on time. They go promoted, I got canned. I learned the hard way, set your goal for “good enough” and get it in on time!

That’s a very vivid lesson in my life and something I re applied you might notice in my dialogue about writing my school papers.

To spotlight my turning point: I realized that if I can move my mental focus away from “great” to “I’ve done what I can, I’ve applied to it the rules for grammar, etc. then I’ll have to let it go to my readers (or clients). It doesn’t feel 100% because I haven’t certified to myself it’s greatness. So be it. I leave that decision to my committee members.”

When I turn in something good enough am I confident the client will think it’s adequate to great? Often, no. I turn it over anyway and keep my performance anxiety in check. Very often the reader/client comes back and says, this is brilliant.

In fact, I just shared one of my grad school timeline with a friend and he wrote: Your writing is pure gold!

Most of the content for blogs etc. are about frequency (like a daily paper) and less about brilliance. The brilliance accumulates over time as subscribers and others select which ones have value. So, you, as the content starter, are two steps removed from really knowing what’s ‘great.’

Think of columnist and journalists who re-print collections of their work. They don’t reprint every one, most of the time. Some they ground out after too late a night of partying and under intense deadline pressure. While those were the work-a-day pieces, they probably keeping drop files of other ideas, clipping articles and other pieces, and picking up ideas for conversations, plays, movies, etc. Those slower pieces might come together a bit now, a bit later. Meanwhile they still make their daily deadline. When the slower ones are ready they enter the queue and get published like the other ones.

The reprinted pieces either they especially liked, their editor liked, or it became popular and well known due to readers’ reactions.

Journalists have editors and the ferocious pace of daily deadlines. And you said if you can be accountable to someone …

Well, here we are at PC.

Tell us how much of your private drafting (not for client eyes, poor or shi#y first drafts) you will get done soon and then check back in. If it helps, PM that to me.

I’ll unpack more of my Inner Critic work in other posts.

Revu2

It's funny, Revu, I feel like we both have done a lot of the same work, but I also feel our brains work in different ways. It's interesting to hear the parallels in our struggles .

[Revu2]

Hi again,

I think this is an interesting reveal:

But the moment I start writing something, my mind starts giving me signals that I need rest, I should sleep.

My guess is this an exception to your feelings when you sit to compose one of your free “samples.” My guess is when composing freely for free you feel free and alive and excited like someone embarking on an adventure.

Remind yourself with a huge inner poster:

I get the gigs Because I have Some Talent!

For our creating parts: Playwright Irene Fornes continually changes her process and teaches her students to do the same. One student protested, and she declared: "You must always keep changing your process!" bouncing her hands in the air. "Because there are two of you, one who want to write and one who doesn't. The one who wants to write has to keep fooling the one who doesn't."

Which bring me to Parts Work. I’ll vet two links.

An overview of "parts work" (inner-family therapy) - p. 1 of 7 especially note the reference to confidence (or its lack) at 3: 25

Gestalt Therapy performance with the Inner Critic

I often do my Parts Work in writing as I practiced when I was doing much moe dream work. Search for examples round PC if interested.

Plenty to explore for now,

Revu2