Taking Risks Again to Find What I'd Love

I'm in my early 30s. I spent my 20s in Los Angeles, producing short films, skits, and acting in many independent film projects but it contributed to a lot of credit card debt since the film industry is an unending marathon for those who aspire to be in the club. I miss it greatly but after 10 years and debt, it felt unattainable and foolish to continue even though it's what I've been educated in and seemed like the only real thing I wanted to do.

While I was pursuing acting, my family and their business was going through a hellish and ill-advised bankruptcy in which their assets were sold off by lawyers with facades of humanity and dripped with greed. My parents went from owning the property their business operates on to renters with ridiculously landlord-friendly terms ($30K/monthly rent and all expenses, repairs, etc. paid by the tenant). I was still living in California when we lost our business property and eventually lost our home that I'd lived in for 27+ years. My sense of stability was severely rocked.

Now I've moved to the East Coast, working as a rideshare driver to clear my debt. I'm good at the job, the money is decent, but I hate it; there's no advancement, there's no camaraderie with fellow drivers or corporate, it's just me, in my car, faking pleasantries for rider after rider, 10 to 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. I'm inconsequential and anyone could be doing this job just as well. I'm not sought after, I feel like I just exist to exist, I don't have a goal or a dream or even an idea anymore. I don't have a significant reason to get up in the morning.

(Property ownership keeps coming back to me as important to me but I think that's more trying to reclaim a piece of what was ripped from my family, rather than a passion pursuit. It seems an equally lofty goal as trying to make a sustainable career in the film industry.)

If I went back to school, I don't know what I'd go back to school for, what I want to pursue, and I'm scared of going back into debt after spending these many weeks working hard to clear it off my credit cards. I have an Associates Degree in Film Production; it made sense then but now it seems the degree has no purpose, it may as well not exist. I'm afraid to make that mistake again, pursuing an education in something I can't get sustainable work in though those seem to be the career paths I enjoy; artistic pursuits like photography, writing, etc. Those seem like needle in a haystack jobs that require far more schmoozing and networking to attain rather than technical prowess.

I was isolated from risk before, my parents were in a position to absorb small risks and mistakes, but now I'm scared to take the step on my own because of what I've seen, what I read, and I just don't know how to go forward or what to go forward with.

I'm lost and alone at 30 and most help seems geared towards those younger than I am and usually at an expensive school. I need help figuring out how to figure what I want to do, I don't have passion anymore; destroyed by practicality and monetary pursuits, those seem like the only important aspects anymore, to be practical and be sustainable.

I lived my life on the incorrect assumption that you only needed to work hard and do well, I did those things but I never realized until far too late that working hard and doing well needed to be focused, channelled into a specific path; otherwise, you're just floating in the ether, hoping to be plucked by some unseen savior who sees your value and potential in a path that would be right for you.

I don't know how to undo what I've done with my life, I've squandered it and I'm desperately trying to fix it with no real idea of what I'm doing. It's everything I didn't do in my teens and 20s, but what are those things? How do I start again from where I am; disillusioned, scared, and utterly lost.

It's a good place to start to be honest ..being disillusioned with life . Pardon my negativity , but generally there isn't a safety net . Decisions aren't easy and can affect your future . I'm not really the right person to be replying to your first post . My hero Skee is normally lurking around looking for first posters . Giving them links to check out and writing kind good sense and making them feel welcome .but anyway , I read your post , I might be wrong , but it sounds like your faith and confidence has been shattered by events . You have achieved things , in business , and also manning up and paying off your debts . You have a solid base to build from . Given time your confidence and direction will return ... just wait for Skee , he Skee will know what to say .

Hey im 32 with an associates in network admin and im confused if i go back to school what would i want to do ya know? Im tired of it field too much drama. Ive been brainstorming on what i would like to do.

Right now i want a new job once im settled then im gonna look into going back to school only for a certificate like vocational training

Hello FD: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Gee... I sort-of feel as though I should have some great wisdom to impart here. Sadly I don't know as I do. I do think I perhaps have some understanding of your situation. I'm an old man now. And way back when, when I went to college, everyone said: oh... just go to college. It doesn't matter what you study. You'll be set for life. So I went to college. First I was an English major, then philosophy & then American studies. (I didn't really care about any of it.) I was in-&-out of school (flunked out once.) But I somehow eventually managed to stumble my way through & graduate with a load of debt & a degree that wasn't worth the paper it was printed on! Along the way I happened to get an entry level job working in human services. And that led to me getting a masters degree in the field. (It also added to my load of debt & I still wasn't in love with what I was doing. But at least I now had a degree in something that I could use to find more than dead-end entry-level employment.)

The one thing I have learned in life is that nothing happens unless you make it happen. And I think a lot of it is just a matter of going along & doing whatever presents itself as an opportunity at the time. My personal opinion is that worrying about trying to find something you're passionate about is, by-&-large, asking for trouble. Yes, I guess there are a few lucky people who manage somehow to set themselves up to where they are able to spend their lives doing something they love & supporting themselves doing it. And if a person can do that, it's certainly wonderful. But I think, for most of us, we just sort-of end up doing the best we can given whatever opportunities life presents us.

The good news here is you're still in your early 30's. (That's still looks pretty darned young from my vantage point.) And you have an Associates Degree. (I don't know, of course, what type of school you received the degree from. That may make a difference.) But what I would think would make sense here is to start by checking into what options may be available to you in terms of building on the degree toward a bachelor's degree (& beyond?) You mentioned you're on the east coast. So wherever you're located, start making some contacts with colleges in your area. You probably want to look primarily at state colleges rather than private institutions to keep the cost down. Meet with some academic advisors. See what they can suggest & what types of scholarships might be available. Look at the various courses of study each college has to offer. As you look at what's available, what the costs are, etc. you may begin to perceive a path for yourself. (Of course, at the same time, you can also be keeping your eyes open for new & better employment opportunites that might be available to you without additional education.) Either way... will what you find be your end-all dream job? Perhaps not. But it will be a pathway forward. And you never know. By following whatever path forward you find, you may just unexpectedly stumble onto something wonderful you would not have found otherwise! In the end, what's important here, it seems to me, is to start moving forward. The fact you are moving forward may well be as important, or perhaps more-so, than how you're going about it.

The bottom line here, if seems to me, is nothing of consequence is likely to happen for you driving people around in your car & wondering how it all went wrong. As I wrote above, nothing is likely to happen for you unless you make it happen. But if all of this just seems too overwhelming for you to even contemplate, then perhaps you have to consider the possiblity that the things that have happened to you & your family in the past have caused you to fall into a level of clinical depression that is inhibiting you from moving forward. And, in that case, you may want to consider seeking some mental health services (therapy presumably) to help you address your depression & find ways to manage & perhaps even reverse it.

There is a song I've sometimes linked members here to that is, I believe, apropos. It is from the time of the communist revolution in China. Here's the link to folk singer John McCutcheon performing "Step-by-Step" on YouTube. I suggest you make it your mantra:



And then here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of what to do when you feel lost or empty:

When You Feel Lost

When You Feel Empty: What It Means & What to Do

Feel Like A Lost Soul? Taking Steps To Find Yourself Again | The Therapist Within

So, You're Lost? The Advice You'd Never Expect

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2...ike-a-failure/

My best wishes to you...

I wish I saw paths forward, I feel lost and blockaded by a fear of debt and feeling like all aspects of life are commodified. Somedays I just think, I'd like to work construction despite having no history and not being very physically fit. I don't know what I'm moving forward to, just about anything has appeal but with everything as an option, nothing seems reasonable; I don't feel like I know how to narrow it down, I feel severely messed up. I had the same problem with relationships, I wanted to be a person for that person rather than a person that was myself appealing to another on my own terms. I somehow worked beyond that (I think) but in the occupational sense, I feel like I'm still struggling with that idea; I want the world to tell me what I'd be good at and what I should be doing. I feel too old to experiment, and too gun shy to make another decision.

I feel like those that do move beyond this follow some path they see or is presented in front of them, I feel like I'm in a foggy traffic circle, spinning around. I want guidance but I don't know where to start their either.

I feel like I've missed the boat on finding, perhaps not a passion, but a fit for me. The driving should be a good job, my girlfriend envys me so I feel like I should be happy but it fills me with anger and I don't know why. Perhaps resentment as I listen, for hours a day, to people with seemingly better livelihoods, obviously without knowing the downsides their lives must clearly have.

I feel trapped and wanting a hand to hold and guide me somewhere but I don't even know where. I like the idea of shedding the monetary world but I don't know how reasonable that is.

I feel stupid and like I should just buck up but it doesn't feel right, like I sit here and type and then think how stupid I am to be complaining. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy life and not question my existence. I don't get why I can't just get over this, and in the next moment I'll think I can and have gotten over something that shouldn't be a complaint to begin with.

It'd be somewhat relieving but also disheartening to realize I have clincial depression, I hate to think I cede control of my functions to something inside me rather than a lack of actionable forward steps.