Need to talk about this

I was really holding off on this thread because I'm sort of paranoid people can track this post down and arrest them or something...but hey.

Just something I really wanted to talk about but felt I had nobody to talk to...

The thing is, my mom and step dad are stoners. Now, I've never seen them use the drugs, but my dad has...and my brother has seen some of their equipment so to speak. I actually found out about this last year when I overheard my brother talking to his fellow stoner friends about it. At first I just thought he was lying to make himself sound cooler while in the process sounding like an ***. Well, this was recently confirmed by my dad, so he ain't lying.

At first I felt really upset and hurt by this...which is why I just assumed my brother was telling a lie and put it behind me. But now more then anything I'm scared for them. The drug laws here in NY are so strict that if they are ever caught with even a little amount they'd be sent to jail for years (and the judge by the way, has no choice in the sentencing) while I don't necessarily like the people they've become I'd rather let them happily live out their own life rather then waste a good chunk of it in a jail cell. More then anything I'd like to confront them about it...I want some questions answered...but I don't think it is something I can do by myself either...and nobody else but me seems to be too upset by it (my brother just doesn't care and my dad just rolls his eyes)

I'm sorry. Do you still live at home with them? (I'm assuming you do)

Perhaps this is something that you can tell to another family member or close friend? That way, they can be there if you choose to confront them? Otherwise, what about writing a letter? Letters aren't as confrontational, and they COULD always choose to ignore it and not respond in any way - but if they care about you, then I'd hope they would explain themselves and their actions which are clearly hurting you.

Well, I already told my best friend, she's the only person other then the three of us who actually know (assuming that my step brother and sisters don't know)

kaika, if it were me in your shoes i'd pick a good time to chat with them and share with them that you are concerned for their welfare. it probably won't make a bit of difference in their behavior but at least you have expressed your view. i'm sorry this has come up for your sake but glad you posted. you never know when u plant a "seed' that later blossoms into something good.

Well, I talked to her about it today. She doesn't see anything wrong with it...being the equivalent of some people going out for a martini ever once in awhile. I was honest with her, and she was honest with me. I asked some tough but relevant questions...like what would she have to lose if she quit? There are other coping techniques that are healthier after all. It's hard but it's do-able. She said though that she had given it some thought recently anyways before I said anything, though when and if she does quit she is going to do it for herself. That really hurt you know. Whatever happened to "If you can't do it for yourself, then at least do it for your children"? HOW CAN SHE SAY that she loves me so much and wants me to tell her if something is bothering me but when I do, the only thing that ever happens is they pretty much tell me to "get used to it." it that long, eloquent and gentle manner, the only thing that tells me is that they want to hear my opinion...but they aren't going to care about it too much. My dad for once actually agrees with her! It's just so damn depressing. You'd think maybe if I was even a few years younger they'd care a little more...at the moment they are treating me more like that room mate who happens to eat all of their food and doesn't contribute any money and shares 1/2 of their DNA then their daughter because I'm 17. Just because I'm grown up on the outside doesn't mean I'm grown up on the inside. In the end, she said she would try. (even pinky sweared on it) I guess out of impulse I announced this when dad came over. Later he was telling me that I really shouldn't have said that because it makes everyone feel awkward. So now I feel like an ***. Even more so becase during our talk I told her about hearing from dad and he asked me tonight if I did, in the sort of desperate way of "you didn't tell her ___ did you?" I had to lie and say no. Then he said he hopes that I never do.

So now I'm and nobody seems to get why I'm so emotional. I honestly think that they don't understand. (Most over-used teenager quote ever)

Some more quotes from the conversation being that a lot of things about the way I grew up are changing. But despite this, the big things like how much your family loves you and the other important stuff like that are always going to be the same. Something like that for the quote at least. I found it interesting for more reasons then one. I just love how they say things like that so casually sometimes. Like "oh, your entire life is pretty much a lie but that's okay because we still love you and you are growing up now so you'll get over it eventually."

And then they wonder why I need a therapist when I'm clearly so normal, they wonder why I have a hard time telling them anything.

And gee, I can't wait for some strict parent here to go careening to my parent's defense and tell me to grow up and show some respect. That's all I seem to get when I whine about my parents anyways: They are being reasonable, you are not. You have a right to your opinion but your so young it doesn't matter anyways. But you're an adult now so don't go looking for comfort either because you'll just get through it eventually.

I'm not condoning your parents actions.

however if you mean New York by NY, then your drug laws are actually pretty lax when it comes to pot (im also assuming you mean pot when you say stoners, forgive me if im wrong) . you need to have up to a pound for it to even be considered a felony. anything up to that is a simple misdemeanor that caries a fine. a small jail sentence can be imposed if said defendant cant make the fine, however the maximum sentence can not exceed 30 days.

i understand your uneasiness of your parents smoking pot. my parents where stoners too, and for the most part i accepted it. however i was sworn to secrecy and told many times that if i said too much at school that mommy and daddy would be going away for a long time. they where selfish and laid a major head trip on a very young child.

and that is what your parents are being, selfish. it's very human like to be upset when your parents choose a drug over you. their probably not going to change though, because once again, that's human nature. forgive them, they may come around in due time.

i hope the information i provided you does un-do some tension that if your parents get caught they will probably not do a large amont of time. you dont need anymore stress in the situation as it is.

kaika,

i'm sorry your mom let you down so badly, it stinks. there is no defense for their drug use of illegal substances. the only thing i do want to remind you is that if they are addicted the drugs rule their mind, will and emotions. they are in need of help and are in the grip of the drugs - which means they are not in their right minds.

if i were their kid, i would feel anxious, insecure, angry, hurt, frustrated and who knows what else. their is NOTHING wrong with what you wrote and how you feel. to be told "you need to just get over it..." is crap. if you were told your mom had a fatal disease and someone told you to just get over it it would be about like this.

you did the right thing for your mom and for yourself. her life affects yours and you are worried for her and him and rightly so. 17 may look grown up on the outside, but it is not very old and it is scary when the people "in charge" are not being smart/responsible.

in april 2003, my daughter and husband had to confront me about my addiction to pain pills. i did get some help and got clean and sober for the last 6 years, though i am having trouble with meds right now (i have severe pain problems and have to juggle my need for pain relief and try to stay sober and right now i am not doing well). my emotional pain is so great right now that i really want to blank out. the only good thing i can say is i am trying to be honest and i am not lying about what is going on with me.

i'm not sure this post is helpful to you, but i did want to say i feel for you because this is a VERY tough situation. i hope you can find a way to manage until you can go to college or get a job and move out. you deserve better than this, but life is never perfect and sometimes it just stinks. hang on there, ok?

leslie

Unfortunately, when dealing with an addiction - it's never a good idea to quit for someone else, even if it's for the good of your children. As sad as that sounds. Quitting for someone else makes you resentful and whatnot towards the person who "made" you quit, and then that tends to go downhill ... Also, quitting for someone else means you're letting someone else dictate your actions - and if you do wind up relapsing, then it becomes an even messier situation.

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Just because I'm grown up on the outside doesn't mean I'm grown up on the inside. In the end, she said she would try. (even pinky sweared on it) I guess out of impulse I announced this when dad came over. Later he was telling me that I really shouldn't have said that because it makes everyone feel awkward. So now I feel like an ***.

A: You don't have to act like a "grown up". Take that from the almost 23 year old me who still gets told to stop acting like a child in public... by my "loving" mother.

B: Emotional age and physical age are two different things... I've seen the way you act here, and you act more responsible and mature than other people your age I've met in other situations.

I did the "impulse" thing too one time and basically announced to my mother that my stepdad was an binge alcoholic and that I hated it. Ooooh, she didn't like that! I got an earful and into an argument and wound up being the one who was very much upset. You don't have to feel like an *** because you really didn't do anything wrong!!

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So now I'm and nobody seems to get why I'm so emotional. I honestly think that they don't understand.

Highly overused and not always appropriate, but in your case - it's true, not all parents understand - especially if they're messed up in their own ways or dealing with an addiction or a mental illness.

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And then they wonder why I need a therapist when I'm clearly so normal, they wonder why I have a hard time telling them anything.

My "sarcasm meter" went off the chart here. Yeah, we're the product of our environments and it doesn't sound like your family life is the best place for you... hey, at least you're realizing this now rather than later! (Always think positively, or try to).

((((((((((((Kaika))))))))))))))))))))

I hope that writing this all out helped.

There is NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL. Anyone who says differently is clearly abnormal. Normalcy is relative... it's a scale where we don't know the middle point or "average".

I'm glad you at least tried to talk to them. Sometimes that's all we can do - and at least now you won't agonize over the situation if you hadn't done it! Even if it didn't have the overall best result, at least they know now that their behaviours and actions are affecting you. That means that their behaviours and actions are their OWN responsibility, not yours.

You're responsible for your own behaviours and actions here as well - now that you know what to expect from them, you can work towards helping yourself.

(((((Everyone)))))

Quoted from my PC blog entry Yesterday:

Context: I was trying to figure out (before I had a full blown panic attack shortly after) why I was so anxious:

"My mind went back to when I impulsively announced that my mom was going to try and quit drugs for me. My step-dad who was there, said “What” in a really threatening way. I’m scared, scared that after I left that he gave mom crap, I’m scared that he hates me now, and I’m scared that he hates me enough to hurt me. He’s always been nice to me, but I’ve seen him angry before. You don’t want to be at the wrong end of it. I know there really isn’t a reason to think he’d hurt me…lest I’m forgetting something here…but in my mind the possibility not only exists…it’s also a strong possibility. That’s just the way my mind works."

^^ What she said. It has nothing to do with you personally Kaika; it just happens to be the way these things work. Any therapist would tell you the same thing -- when it comes to fighting addiction or even just stopping recreational substance use by a non-addict, it HAS to be because they choose to for themselves. It has nothing to do with whether she loves you or not or how much -- and frankly it would be very unfair of you to put that on her, like a form of emotional blackmail (again, no offense and nothing personal here, just saying how these things work.)