[annoyedone]

I have been drug free for 15 months. The last time I used was January 5,2009 and since that time I spent 9 months incarcerated, got out, got married, got a job, and actually became the parent my children need. Everything is going well, yet I am constantly plagued by using dreams and the desire to use. What the hell?!? This is incredibly frustrating. Logically, I know where drug use will lead, but at this point I really want to use. I keep getting the thought of hey one more time won't hurt, but I know it will. The old NA adage "One is to many, and a thousand is never enough" How true that is. I do go to meetings when I can and I do voice my thoughts to those that are there. It just doesn't seem to be helping at the moment. Anyway, I just needed to vent and hope that someone out there can give me ideas on how to get through this. Thanks for listening.

[kadesgirl09]

WOW congrats on the 15 MONTHS!! Thats awesome! can you stop and appreciate how strong you have been to go that long. redirect your thinking when it goes the wrong way and keep your child with you as much as possible. thats what I do. (except drinking... I still have a few at night) but I quit the meth and oxycodones over a year now and the pot since July... just take a breath cause it cant control you if you dont let it.

[by.grace]

Have you discussed with your doctor?

Are you currently taking any meds/changed meds/stopped meds?

Sometimes my cravings/addictions are driven by some imbalance within me.

[Perna]

I think it takes a really really long time for the chemistry of the body to completely calm down and not bug one when one has had an addiction such as smoking, drinking, drugs, etc. I think the dreams merely echo that; your brain is trying to work with what it's got.

It sounds like you've had a heck of a lot of changes in your life in a short period of time? That's stressful, even though the changes were positive/welcome:

http://www.reducestressnow.org/facts...tors-of-stress

My therapist taught me that feelings and situations are constantly changing and if we wait long enough, like weather, whatever is going on that is difficult will change so it's less difficult (or so it's more difficult :-) and that often just hunkering down and waiting helps. I keep reminding myself of my grandmother's old saying, "This too shall pass". Like a headache or emotional pain that doesn't respond to an aspirin, I know saying positive things doesn't "help" :-) but it does remind one that the current trenches aren't the whole battle/war.

Were I you (but in my life/skin :-) I would find types of books I like and have some in reserve to read or other, small things I really liked to do (go get an ice cream :-) and indulge in that self-care/soothing to help me feel better through this period.

Get a few subs and sodas and take everyone to the park/beach/location you enjoy on a weekend and lounge around reading and soaking up the sun while the children play nearby and spouse tries to throw the Cheerios/grapes across the three foot space into your mouth :-)

Figure out a few more things to do for yourself (I use to take special books to work and, if work got totally hard, would stop for 3 minutes and read a few paragraphs, "escape" into another thought/world.

Write about your experience if you're a writer. I joined NaNoWriMo, the National Novel Writing Month (November) where everyone tries to write a 50,000/175 page novel between 1 November and 30 November (no time off for Thanksgiving either :-) and, last year, "won"/wrote a novel about how I was feeling, my troubles growing up, what I would have liked for my 20's, etc. and it was very consuming, insane :-) and a heck of a lot of fun!

http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/whatisnano

But, mostly I would try to take it all "lighter". It's just experience. Right now you feel rotten/afraid but they're just feelings like your dreams are just dreams and thoughts are just thoughts. Experiment with different things to see if you can hit on something to make you feel better, sooner, but remember that it all takes time and time is passing and some where, out there, it will get better.

[slowinmi]

annoyedone,

I'm certainly no expert and you've gotten some good advice here already, but I read somewhere that you have neural pathways in your brain that get trained to do the things in your life. Yours have been trained to do everything under the influence of drugs.

It will take time, but you now need to "re-train" those neural pathways to experience things without the drugs.

You sound like a good person who is really trying to live a good life and be a good parent. Just keep on trying and doing your best. You can talk to us anytime.

[annoyedone]

Thank you all so much for your advice. I really needed to hear them. I think that sometimes I try to do to much at one time, or I set unrealistic expectations of myself thereby stressing myself out to the point that it triggers my brain to revert back to the only way it knows to deal with the stress ie:drugs. The only hobby I currently have is reading although I would love to write a novel. And I did start seeing a therapist 3 weeks ago in the hopes that I can gain some deeper insight into my twisted mind Thanks again to all who responded. I wish everyone and safe, sober, and happy day.

[Perna]

Oh, that's great you're seeing a therapist and otherwise taking such good care of yourself!

Hello, annoyedone. Keep up the good work.

[annoyedone]

Just wanted to say, my temporary insanity has passed and I am feeling less of a need to use. I want to thank you all again for your support. It meant alot and helped me get through a tough couple of days.

[slowinmi]

annoyedone,

I'm so glad you're feeling better. You can talk to us here anytime you want, or you can PM me if you would prefer. Keep your goals and your family in your mind. You should be proud of yourself! You are doing great! Congratulations on getting through the weekend. Every day without drugs is a victory.

slow

Still thumbs up, annoyedone?