[strangebrew]

Hello, I don't know if this is the right category to post this in, as I am a recently recovering alcoholic, have major depression, but I believe most of my problems stem from an unscruplulous therapist. Sorry if it is too long a post, I am new here, and don't really know what is an acceptable length for a post. I am a man, 50 yrs old now, living in UK. 7 years ago, my wife of 25 years divorced me, and I fell to pieces, began drinking alcoholically, was off sick from work for a year and ended up in a mental hospital. There I met a lady social services therapist who counselled me over the loss of my wife and my drinking. She sent me to a rehab 200 miles away for 7 weeks, then I stayed in a 'safe house' there for 3 months. While in the safe house, she began writing to me privately, not as my therapist. I knew it was wrong, I was myself a professionaly qualified social worker for 18 years, but being so lonely and still very depressed and vulnerable in very early alcohol recovery, I responded. Even though she was no longer my therapist, it broke every UK code of practice ever written. Our letters became gradually more intimate, and I moved out the house back to my home town, bought a home there on a mortgage, and began an affair with the ex therapist. She was, and still is married with two children, but continually said she did not love her husband, and would find a way to leave him once she sorted out the practicalities, and marry me. It was not an 'affair' she said, it was real love. I trusted her totally, she was the only professional who gave me any real hope that I could get well and be happy again, and as my therapist, she knew EVERYTHING about me, even things I never told my wife. And I loved her immensely, insanely after what then happened, I still do, 6 years on. It became harder and harder to see her for only a couple of hours, then watch her drive away back to her husband. She constantly claimed she had no intimacy with her husband, but I am a very jealous man, and it became unbearable knowing she was with him every night. But I got well, regained my job, even got promoted, and was about to undertake an MA course in Advanced Social Work. I was completely sober for a year, and felt some hope after feeling the world had ended. After the black hole I was in, it seemed like a miracle had happened. A year on, a bomshell exploded - I accidentally discovered she had also been having an affair , for EIGHT years, with yet another man, at the same time as with me. I spoke with him on the phone and we were both devastated. She had told him she would marry HIM, too. So after a year of being well, I relapsed very badly. The facts of our relationship came out, and we were both suspended from duty pending a 3 month inquiry. She resigned from her job before her displinary hearing, I had to go through with mine as I had my mortgage to pay and really needed and enjoyed my job (I worked as a manager of a social services day centre for adults with learning disabilities).. I was dismissed for 'risking putting social services into disrepute', despite the fact fact that in UK it is the THERAPIST'S not the client's or ex client's responsibility to ensure that appropriate boundaries are maintained. Then unemployed and very ill again, I was unable to pay my mortgage and ended up 2 years ago having to sell my home and move hundreds of miles away from her and all my family, to a place where housing is literally half the price of where I formerly lived. She is doing fine, she still has private clients both for alcohol and sex/relationships problems, she charges them £50 UK per hour. Meanwhile I am having to exist on £74 (about 129 US dollars) per week state incapacity benefit, total poverty, and I cannot get work because of my reference always mentioning that I was dismissed, Unbelievably, perhaps, the affair continued for years via e-mail, cell phone messages etc, with her still promising one day she will find a way to marry me. I have heard nothing from her for several months now. Since moving here here I am totally alone, I know nobody here, and I have been in and out of psychiatric hospitals and alcohol rehabs so many times that I have lost count. I somehow eventually came to some kind of terms with losing my wife, but I cannot get over this woman therapist. I think about her 24 hours a day and it is literally driving me mad. Sometimes I cry for hours and feel I still love her and want her desperately, other times I feel angry and consider reporting her to the professional organisations she still belongs to (all of which have strict codes of wethical practice which disallow any personal/sexual relationship with any client or ex client), as the chances are she is doing the same thing with other vulnerable clients/ex clients. But I cannot do it, as I I am so so torn between love (if that it what it is) and anger, and also I am afraid to do so as I hear so many stories of how clients who complain of abuse are so often not believed, especially perhaps men who claim to have been abused by women therapists (the general belief is that it is usually male therapists who abuse female clients, which is probably true, but it DOES happen the other way around, more often than many realise). I am afraid to open a new 'can of worms' so to speak, and make things even worse for myself, but at the same time I need some 'closure' to all of this. I have tried moving on from it all for years now, and I just cannot seem to do it. despite more therapy. It affects my life 24 hours a day, emotionally, financially, and in every way. Thank you for listening, again I am sorry if my post is too long. P,S. Is it acceptable here to 'cross-post', that is, to the alcohol substance abuse category. I will not do so unless someone can confirm that it is OK.

[BamaSurvivor]

All I can really say is I'm sorry for your pain. It CAN get better for you with time if you allow it to get better. You gotta let all the negative go. You're giving this person way too much of your energy and she's winning because she has so much of your life. The best way you can escape this is to do whatever it takes (in a positive way) to get her out of your mind and heart and make yourself get out in the public and live again. I wish you all the best in the world and hope you can learn to live life again on lifes own terms.

[misty]

I am sorry this has happened to you also. Thank you for sharing this. Men do get abused by women too therapists or not and it is so good to hear you speak up about it. My son was physically/verbally/emotionally abused by his now ex-wife. I've always known it possible but when it happened to my son it became more clear how real it can be and gender, size and strength have nothing to do with it.
Anyway, what ever you decide to do my hope is it helps you to move on, for you deserve to be treated better then this woman has treated you.
lrks

[shadowalker164]

It is indeed good that kind people like Bama and Skyirks take the time to respond so kindly to your situation.
They are good people.

I on the other hand…

You realize I hope that you are not a victim of this world? You are a volunteer. You signed up for almost everything that has happened in your life sense you became an adult. And the position of victim is an excuse to wallow in our misery. If we hope to get sober, and stay that way we have to stop that.

When your wife walked out on you, you took that abandonment as license to drink as much as you wanted. No wife to give you the “look” every time you wanted to get loaded. You might look at why she left in the first place. We always ask ourselves “What was my part in it?” Setting aside entirely her part, what did you do to facilitate this breakup?

Then when the drinking ain’t working so well, you check into a rehab. Then you cross paths with this therapist, and the love sparks just start to fly. You said yourself, “I knew it was wrong.” But you went ahead and did it anyway.

Volunteer.

She being married with kids, tells you she will leave her husband and break up her happy home to move in with an alcoholic right out of treatment. Does any of this strike you as a little far fetched?

Then you take it one step further, not only are you screwing around with a married woman, but you are jealous when she goes home to her family.

Volunteer.

And lo and behold, you find out that not only hasn’t she been honest with her husband about you, she hasn’t been honest to you about some other guy. And you were devastated? What part of this didn’t you see coming. You are a 50 year old man.
Then apparently you or the other guy blow the whistle on her, and everybody gets fired.

Again Volunteer.

She bobbed right back up to the surface and you are resentful as can be about that. How dare she have a happy life when I don’t. You need to know that resentments kill more alcoholics than any thing else.

When you started drinking after your wife left, you did so willingly. When the therapist and you got together, you did so willingly as well. And now, you are willingly wallowing in your self made misery, and it’s no fun.

You have no control over that woman, no control over whatever boards pulled your license, and if you are an alcoholic, you have no control over whither you drink or not. It seems when we look at it closely, we have little control over anything.

If you post on an alcohol recovery site, you should expect to hear from other alcoholics telling you exactly what you need to do to get better. First, you need to get up off your pity pot, and start making some real and concrete changes in your life. Stop crying about yesterday and get into action now.

If you want the details on this plan of action, let me know. Buy remember, if you do nothing, the same old crap you are sitting in right now will be with you forever. Nothing changes until something changes.

Your friend on the road to the good stuff,
Richard

[BamaSurvivor]

Shadow is right... This is all basically in the Fourth Step of NA/AA. As an adult, you have to take responsibility for your part of situations. Well, you don't have to, but the longer you run from responsibility, the longer your addiction is going to take you down, in my opinion. Stop wollowing in what happened yesterday, it's done and over with. Start focusing on today and DO something about your problems now while you can. You didn't stumble in this forum by accident... You get out of the 12 Steps (or whatever program you decide to use) what you put into it. Same goes with life... Show life gratitude, you'll get blessings in return. Stand with one foot in yesterday, one foot in tomorrow, then you're crapping on today and nothings going to go as it should. Best of wishes, friend.

[strangebrew]

So it OK for therapists to abuse clients? It is the clients' fault? They should do 'step four' and allow therapists to get away with disgusting abusive behaviour? How do you reconcile that view with the AA view that alcoholism is an 'illness', an 'allerrgy'? This woman was and is a predator who preyed on vulnerable people to meet her OWN needs, NOT to help others. I have taken action - - I am 17 days sober and I have reported her to the British Association For Counselling and Psychotherapy, of which she is still a member, and who have strict codes of ethical practice. Therapists are legally not allowed to engage in personal relatonships with clients or harm them in any way. I am not on a 'pity pot', I am trying too see that others are not similarly harmed. If AA do not believe in that principle, then I despair for all its members. SHE is an 'adult;, too, and accredted with the license to 'help' people who are in real trouble. Good luck, I hope you never need a 'therapist.' Neville.

[misty]

I believe shadow makes some good points but I also see that your making a stand to see that she does not hurt anyone else is stepping out of the victim roll.
I do hope that she will be held accountable for abusing her position. There are reasons they make such rules for therapists and such.
lrks

[BamaSurvivor]

I don't think shadow nor myself was implying it was all your fault, I'm sorry you took it that way. What I mean is that although she is definetely in the wrong for taking advantage of you and the situation, you STILL have some acountability of your own. You are a grown man, just as she's a grown woman... Take responsibility for your part and let the rest go. Holding resentments will only cause more problems.

[strangebrew]

Remove me from your judgemental site. I will not post here any longer, it is not safe. I need help not yet more abuse. I am mentally ill, not a bad self pitying man.

[BamaSurvivor]

I'm sorry you feel this way, strangebrew. I never meant any harm by what I said, it was out of geniune concern. If you feel you must go, I'm sorry. I was only trying to help. Again, I'm sorry.

[shadowalker164]

Neville…
It’s not about her, it’s about you!
The world is full of people who fall short of the glory. We can find them around every corner.
She is wrong, I think we all agree with that, but again I say, it’s not about her. I am only responsible for cleaning up my side of the street. And so are you. It is your stuff you need to focus on, not hers.

You slay me, Neville. You would never have turned her in if she was still your sweetheart, you are taking that action out of spite because she dumped you. And you are parading around the idea of upholding professional standards (a good one) as your total motivation and justification for what you do. We need to look at out true motives, not just the ones we want the world to see.

I don’t care if she gets herself wrung out, she has it coming, but what about you? Do you thing that her getting into trouble with the assorted boards, maybe getting fired will keep you sober?

Again it’s about you. Its about being comfortable inside your own skin. Revenge is a thin blanket pal. It will not make you happy joyous and free.

You will do whatever you do, bur resentments are poison.

Richard

[Raynaadi]

Shadow is totally right. In order to recover, you have to think about YOU. Not the people that wronged you in the past. You. What he said is what anyone with as much time sober as he would say to you. It's not to say you're wrong, to demoralize you, or anything of the sort. It's to get you OUT of the problem and IN to the solution. If everything you've done up to now is getting you nowhere, then it's wrong. So the opposite of that is right. If you're not the problem, there is no solution. You can't change what she did, so you can't change the situation and you can't change her. But you can change yourself. You can change the way you look at the situation. And to live in yesterday, you live in the bottle. If you won't change your attitude, you'll have to change your sobriety date. That's the cold hard truth whether we alcoholics want to believe it or not. I have 95 days sober today. I don't have a lot of time. But I'll take someone yelling at me and telling me to get off the pity pot any day, any hour any minute, over my old life of drinking. I hope you'll change your mind about what seems like attacks. They're not. We're just trying to tell you how to stay sober.

Just don't drink today, say that when you wake up every morning. And let go of the resentments.

Hope you find it....

~Rayna