Supporting "harmful" behavior?

When someone admits to continuing harmful behavior with drugs and alcohol and not wanting to to take any action, but saying they're miserable in the current situation, in what way is it supportive to offer only hugs and pats on the back instead of pointing them in the direction of the proper help?

Is someone who is in deep denial of their substance abuse problem really going to respond to anything other than tough love or intervention?

I for one cannot and will not be supportive of a person who abuses drugs and alcohol. I really do not know of any way TO be supportive, without pointing out their self destructing behavior, make suggestions about rehab, therapy, coping skills etc for whatever they are using the meds and alcohol to coverup. GOOD QUESTION WI.....hopefully someone will be able to help us know what we are supposed to do - if anything.

I second everything both of you have said. I've been married to an alcoholic and my teens used drugs. Hugging them never, ever did anything constructively...they drank or used, as soon as I released them....I don't understand why a thread that starts out wanting feedback is not supportive, if people post what they think will help. If someone asks if it's harmful to combine two dangerous substances and they get an affirmative answer, where is that not supportive? And if you know that someone will die, if they continue down the path that they are on, do you just pat them on the head and say, "there, there"? I'm not cut from the cloth of head patting and hugs.

I know for me, not in a relationship or close friendsship with the person, if they are still suffering, I will keep telling them what I was like, what I did, and what I am now. It may not make a difference right now but I HAVE seen in the last year that a person came up to me and said when they did start in recovery, that they remembered what I had said to them and it had helped. We may not always be able to reep the rewards of being the one to lead them to recoverys but we can at least plant the seed in their minds and have hopeful thoughts that somewhere down the road it may help. I have also seen in my case that sometimes it is better to move on to the next person and leave the other alone with what you have said. Better to leave one lost soul than not be able to help 5 others because you used your time on that 1 person.

Allan

For me, no one was telling me I abused alcohol. There was some frustration on a friend's part, that if I couldn't afford to drink, I wouldn't go out. But that was it. There was no intervention, no scolding. I think that for me, if anyone had told me I had a problem and should quit, that I would have gotten angry and ignored them and kept on. For me, I had to hit my own bottom and come to my own realization that I was a problem drinker and needed help. I am very blessed in this, that I decided to quit on my own. About 7 years ago, I was hanging out at a coffee shop that had a lot of recovery. I believe the seed got planted in me there, before I ever starting abusing alcohol. Somethine those people talked about stuck, and came back to me before my life fell apart. I am not a tough love kind of girl, but some people are. Unfortunatly, some people never realize they have a problem, or never want to get help. There is nothing we can do about it. My only advice is to gently let them know you are concerned, and maybe even point out the people here who are recovering, and the changes you notice. Best of luck to your friend. =)

~Rayna

i have some things to say and i hope they don't sound harsh. i hope anyone who reads this knows that i would never intentionally hurt another's feelings.

sometimes a person isn't asking for directions on what to do and how to do it. sometimes a person is just asking a specific question while they're trying to figure it out for themselves. also, sometimes a person in such situations just needs another to listen. i think any abuser knows that another cannot save them. i don't think many abusers look for that. also, 99% of them already know exactly what they're doing to their bodies and minds, even though they choose not to see it. they could educate us on what they're doing to themselves!

they're mostly looking for confirmation on what they already know! this is bad for me! that's a form of support!

if you feel that you need to "turn around" an abuser, you're thinking in the wrong way. if you're thinking you can support an abuser (no matter how hard it gets) while they see their own light and TURN THEMSELVES around, then you just might get some satisfaction from it.

i've dealt with abusers my entire lives. we can only set boundaries for self safety, stick with them and listen to the abuser if it doesn't cross the boundaries we've set.

we can't "tough love them into shape". we can't talk until we're blue in the face, knowing that they'll see things our way. only they know how to make it work...they just have to figure it out.

bottom line...support the abuser as they're trying to find their light, or care enough to back away and let those that can do what they need (preferably the professional).

be safe,

kd

Very well said Kimmy. =)

For the most part, I don't think it makes any difference if I pat the guy on the back or kick him in the ***. If a man wants to get sober, almost nothing can stop him from getting sober. And conversely if he doesn’t, almost nothing can get him sober.

But if extending the hand of help keeps me away from that next drink for another day, then good for me. Sometimes I give the guy standing on the street corner holding the cardboard sign, a buck or two. I know that he is going to drink that money up. I give him the money because I want to, no other reason.

If I take time to carry the message to the other guy, I don’t do it so much for him. It might help him, who knows, but it will definitely help me.

In the meetings I attend, if a man shows up and tells us he wants to drink more than he wants to stay sober, someone around the tables will probably give him a sawbuck and tell him to go get drunk on it. Never deny an alcoholic the opportunity to suffer. Nothing else can or will change his mind but pain.

I don’t think my tough love or intervention will work that well with some people. Deep and abiding spiritual pain, now that works wonders with an alcoholic. That’s God’s version of tough love.