Really struggling

I'm coming up on 5 months sober, which is the longest I've been sober since March 09. And I'm really struggling with wanting to drink. I know what's triggering it - it's fear around my unemployment situation - I'd just like a few days of oblivion from my feelings so that I can get away from my all consuming anxiety.

I'm praying, going to meetings, and talking with my sponsor and others in AA, yet I've got the obsession bad. I know it's my sick alcoholic thinking. I have so many reasons to stay sober, and I know how risky it would be for me to pick up a drink, yet I still want to.

I really want to stay sober. I want to get my 6 month chip in January, and I don't want to let everybody down. Most importantly I don't want to risk killing myself. But I still want to drink.

I'm taking it an hour at a time these days.

Thanks for reading.

--splitimage

splitimage, i feel you are experiencing contradictory thoughts. you always have the option to drink. as i was told in AA "they'd gladly refund my misery" or another, "better you than me".. or another "go out for 30 days and come back to tell us how it went". now at first i thought, how very unkind of them. today i understand what they meant.
you mention letting other ppl down re your 6 month chip coming up. they call this a "selfish program" for a good reason...the only person you will hurt/let down is you. if they stay sober and you don't they are still "winners".
question-do you have a higher power in your life? i assume you do cause you did the 3rd step. do you think your higher power would want to see you drink? has the miracle occured in your life or not? that is the question. do you wish to take your will back, step 3, and run the show? i tell ppl if i drank again it would be like giving my HP the "bird". he has made a miracle out of me. i couldn't get it til i really understood how i was able to stop drinking. it wasn't my doing but my HP's. i was powerless, step 1, i had to let go and let his will for me be done, step 3. i had to get out of the "debating society" or i would surely drink.
i'm not busting you cause i'm glad you shared/posted. but i'm sharing with you how i got to where i am. the key is spirituality and total surrender. it's all or nothing. i believe you can do this. hang on...
i'm glad you are doing the things they suggest to us but we need to know and truly believe we are powerless, step 1. perhaps re-reading steps 1-3 will help. not telling you what to do but if i was your sponsor that would be my suggestion.

I don't have any wise advice but wanted to stop and give you some hugs. Sending you positive vibes and strength (((splitimage))).

Thanks Madisgram, Rereading what I wrote for my step one would probably be a good idea. I hadn't thought of that. Thanks.

Splitimage, my heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is to struggle with addiction. I am currently 8 months sober (9 on December 11). Please stay strong and really if you have to take it an hour at a time do just that! What ever it takes to stay strong and not give in to the temptations. Keep up with your AA meetings and your praying because I know your higher power will hear you and release you soon from your problems. Good luck! And stay strong! You have all of on PC rooting for you

Hi splitimage I just read your post and it could have been me a month ago posting the same, im just over 6 months sober and went through crazy obsessions about alcohol up to about 5 months. I think what kept me going was keeping busy and being with safe people. U say about your employment situation do u work voluntarily anywhere? I found working in a charity shop's changed me as I knew people were relying on me and were pleased to see me when I got there. Keep the faith, sending you some kind thoughts

Thanks for the suggestions and the support everyone. I did reread over what I wrote for step one today and it was an eyeopenning reminder of just how powerless I really am.

I talked a lot about how I really want to drink with at my AA meeting Thurs. night, my hospital group on Fri., and with my closest friend this morning, and I'm continuing to pray a lot.

UKFox - you asked about keeping busy. I am pretty busy. Job hunting takes up a lot of my time, I've been taking 3 courses, and I have two instruments to practice, plus I volunteer on my psych hospital's telephone support line 1 night a week, plus I'm an administrator on a large self-harm recovery site, that takes a lot of attention. Plus I go to 3 AA meetings a week and 4 treatment groups a week at my hospital, so I don't have much downtime, which is good, as downtime is extremely dangerous for me.

I have had some good news on the job front - I've got two interviews next week. One is a preliminary phone screening interview for an analyst job at a hospital, and the other is for a controller's job with a company that approached me. So i'm hoping, that if I don't screw up the interviews, I just might have a job by the end of December, in which case the argument against drinking will be that much stronger as I will not risk screwing up another job with drinking.

Rooting for you!!...You can do it!!~W~

that's great news splitimage! keep us posted. you've held up well job hunting. i know it's not been easy.