[Mustkeepjob32]

Hello,

Well I haven't had malt beer for like four days and while I'm with my partner and am not away in a motel room for work, it's easier. However, I am worried that life is over if I don't drink.
I definitely self-medicated with alcohol. It was my moment where I didn't feel ugly, repulsive, a failure, or anything. I would watch movies and try to meet people online. Drinking is an extremely maladaptive behavior and it as affected my life for years. I realize that it may be the primary cause for me not finishing my Bachelor's degree and keeping various jobs. i just can't stand the thought of never drinking again, at least socially if I were go out to a club (never do but just in case). I am still young!
I'm not drinking now because I don't want to lose my job and have missed so much, thus have not had steady income. Plus, I'm scared I'm hurting my liver.
My question is, does anyone here believe that a person who drinks a lot to self-medicate can tone it back and then eventually just has a few nights a month of getting drunk for fun? I know that is a minority thought. I'm not ready to think of permanent abstinence at this time. I would be open to AA but I know there is pure abstinence.
I know I need to not drink like I did, but I also don't want to stop living.
For now I'm not drinking...let's see how long that lasts.

Z

P.S. I don't mean my post as an insult to those who practice or strive for abstinence; I admire your dedication truly and wish all success in leaving behind these vices.

[Leed]

Hi - If you can't stand the thought of never drinking again, I'd say you definitely have a problem with alcohol. It sounds like you're craving it. And if you want to go out and "get drunk" on weekends, YES, you have a problem.

Do you really think that getting drunk is FUN?? What about the next day, when your head hurts, and your stomach feels yucky? What about the times you can't remember what you did the night before? Doesn't that ever bother you? What about the threat of losing your job --- or your drivers license?? What about the threat of going to jail for a DUI?? What about losing friends and family because of your drinking?? Do you think people don't know that you drink? Ohhh yes they do. We think we can hide it but we can't.

I know alot about this because I'm a recovering alcoholic. I drank HEAVILY for 20 years, and you're heading in that direction. You don't want to end up like I did.

Go to AA for a few meetings and let them tell you their stories. You will swear they are telling YOUR story. It will sound very familiar to you. And life doesn't STOP just because you quit drinking. I don't know how I found TIME to drink now. I have had MORE fun since quitting drinking that I ever had drunk. Life is wonderful sober. And I can remember it all too.
I learned how to snow ski in my 40's - how wonderful to go flying down a mountain in the snow!!! I learned how to fish - I never knew how, and I'm a female - I LOVE it!! I love to trap shoot - I have my own model 1100 Remington trap grade shotgun. Life is FUN.

I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[madisgram]

when one puts so much value in the drink, it indicates that one has a "problem" drinking alcohol. it can also indicate that you may be crossing the invisible line into alcoholism. don't know if that's you. just my opinion based on what you posted.

[splitimage]

It sounds from your post like you do have a drinking problem, which is dangerous because it can get worse to the point where you lose everything.

But you asked the question if it was possible to cut back to only drinking occassionally or what some would call social drinking.

Personally for me the answer is no. I crossed the line into alcohol dependence and can never drink safely again. One drink and I don't know where I'll end up.

That being said, I do believe that harm reduction can work for some people. The treatment centre I go to has two streams, abstinance based and harm reduction. Anyone can go to the harm reduction meetings which are held twice a week. I'm going to them now, because I'm unemployed and want the extra support / structure in my week.

In that group I've met people who were heavy binge drinkers, or daily drinkers (usually after some major negative life event) cut down to be able to have only a drink or two occassionally. But it's important to be brutally honest with yourself, keep track of what you drink, and not exceed safe drinking guidelines. You might find it helpful to have support in cutting down, so a harm reduction treatment program might help - check with hospitals, they're more likely to have harm reduction treatment programs than pure addiction treatment facilities.

I won't lie to you, I think harm reduction is dangerous, but I have seen it work.

Good luck.

--splitimage

[Mustkeepjob32]

I thank you guys for all your responses. Leed, that is great that you can say that your life has greatly improved since you stopped drinking. I can relate to that about being able to do more things when you don't drink. When I drink, I usually lose the next day for something productive and that is not good. However, I know a lot of young people do this.
Splitimage, I haven't really heard of harm reduction but it sounds interesting. The only thing is I am not the type to have one beer or one glass of wine. I usually want to get the buzz. That being said, I don't usually lose total control; I just stay in the buzz mode as I drink very slowly.
I want to decrease the amount of times I drink/get drunk/buzzed because I know that I could do more with my life if I did that and it would be better for my health. I never really had a party life when I was young, and I would like to be able to do that like most everyone else can.

Z

[Leed]

I hate to tell you, but you're heading for trouble. You're going to cross that invisible line into alcoholism and then it will be too late. You ALREADY show the signs of having a drinking problem ~ it might already be too late.

Why not try to STOP drinking for a week - and see if you can actually DO it. If you CAN'T then you will know that you're an alcoholic. If you crave the booze, if it's all you think about, if you can't wait until you have your next drink -- then that's the absolute sign of alcoholism. Only YOU can call yourself an alcoholic. But we can give you the signs & symptoms.

Why not try it? If you find that it shows that you are, get to an AA meeting. There, you will find people just like you ~ and young people too, not just old folks. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[madisgram]

there's a saying, "when one drinks to obtain a feeling or drinks to get rid of a feeling they have a drinking problem". hope this helps. i read a lot of that in your two posts, imho.
alcohol they say "is the rapricious predator". it will take away everything one hopes in their life and sometimes even their life. my sobriety has given me a life. one that i never imagined! it was worth getting sober for so many reasons that i didn't even expect or believed could happen to me.
glad you are questioning your drinking. that is a start. you can have what we have if you so choose...it's an incredible journey to freedom!

[Mustkeepjob32]

Thanks for the replies. I did stop drinking for like eight days because I was back at home. I felt like drinking heavily one time, but the rest of the time it wasn't bad. The bad part is I'm back at my work city *I work in a city five hours away from my home*. Because no one was around, I drank last night and the night before, thinking AGAIN for the fifty millionth time that I wouldn't feel bad the next EVENING to go to work. WRONG... I had racing heart and felt miserable and worthless. So I didn't go to work tonight or last night.
I can't lose my job, I have debts that even if I made $100,000 a year, I feel I would never pay them off. I think that's why I have such a death wish and very often want to give up. Today I went to the store to get some things like shampoo, TP etc...and very easily my eyes started to tear up, like I'm dying inside. My partner doesn't want to talk to me because he doesn't understand how I can ruin our lives like this. I am not drinking now because of a last ditch effort to go to work tomorrow. I feel so dead inside except I still have tremendous pain.

I know for sure drinking exacerbates my depression/anxiety but I feel worthless even when I don't drink.

Z

[madisgram]

your depession does exacerbate your drinking cause it is a depressant. i'm sorry other things keep you depressed as well.but the drink will only mess things up even more. i had your 2 problems and pdoc said i had to treat both at the same time-my bipolar which is on the incredibly depressed side, most times if i have an episode, and for me to learn how to stop drinking cause i was an alcoholic. at the time i felt hopeless and helpless about life. it seemed like an impossible task. but treating both at the same time created the person i am today-happy, joyous and free!!! i go to AA and worked with my pdoc to help the depression thru meds. had i continued to drink this would have been a faillure cause the alcohol interfered with the meds i was taking for the depression. thus a vicious cycle. it's a challenge to treat either one if those but i did.
hope you will give this some thought. i think it might really help you,MHJ. i wish you the very best.

[Mustkeepjob32]

madisgram,

Thanks for your message. I agree that I need to treat both the depression and the alcohol...or at least just stop drinking for good. I just think that if I could work without problem, I could make money and start having a life...but I sabotage myself. Well, I don't know if I sabotage myself. People in my life use that term as if I want to ruin my life. I don't want to ruin my life, but if you don't think you're life will ever get better, I guess it can look like self-sabotage to someone else.
I'm glad you are feeling relaxed and better these days with the treatment. I hope I am better someday.

Z

[SlatkaMala]

It does take a while to not miss the drinking. It's an adjustment.