[racee]

you know i hate, for the past month and a half i lost track of so many threads i have written here and decided to delete it. just poured everything out than wiped it all away, whenever i enter this forum, i write everytime......i thought why i guess some things need to be said at a more personable level then just sent out there for whoever it may be to come across it and respond or just read. don't know i usually don't have these problems, as in right now writing this.

[madisgram]

are you comfortable with sharing with us the concerns you have, racee? we'd be happy to listen.

[DePressMe]

racee, take your time and write as you feel more comfortable. I felt it was a risk putting myself out there by posting but I'm glad I've done it. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about things.

[racee]

as i was looking over a bill from my psyciatrist i noticed some writing and a 'diagnostic code' "oh well i know what that means" so i go and google it to find out. well the only thing is she said we don't put names to anything and that's the way i like it...i don't want my brain wrapping around the idea that i am labled then i start to be even more whatever it is.

MDD......excuse me! through all these sessions am i really that delusional that i don't think that this is the case, maybe because of my addictions i may get depressed sometimes, and i know i haven't been excersising as much so i don't get my extra boost of endorphins...i just don't see it.

I hate not being aware of who i am, i feel like i am losing all control, which is funny because i used to feel out of control. ''

maybe i should read over all my past writings and see if i get the hint of very depressed person from it.

Sometimes i want to fix everything, and others i just want to walk up to the cliff and dive off head first. Taking the usual easy route (the cliff most used)

i knoe my 'disease' how cunning and twisted, stubborn, and relentlessness. the statistics that stay clean always starring me in the face. always thinking what's right and what's wrong. And for so many years still living like an addict even after i got clean.

It's been such a struggle trying so hard to live the normal everyday thingsyour supposed to learn as a child, but i haven't fully gave up.

at least i have someone to be accountable to, and i don't even know how long that's going to last, i need to start learning to be accountable to my own self, trusting yourself is such a scary thing

[madisgram]

racee i'd print your post out for your pdoc. if i understand your reply it means there is no dx given. that baffles me. how can you go about resolving things and learning new coping skills if you have no "compass"?

many of us who were once alcoholics and addicts benefitted from NA or AA. it helped us change behaviors that harmed us. it gave us hope for the future. it taught us a new way of living life. have u attended either one of these groups to see if it benefits you?

when i got clean and sober i didn't know who i was either. i can understand your feelings of sadness about this. i admire your courage and vigilence to want to get better. thank you for posting a reply to your thread. it helps us "know" you better and the challenges you face to overcome the obstacles.

we care about you racee.

[racee]

I haven't been sleeping through the night lately, thoughts swirling through my brain..my son came up to me tonite and casually said" i miss nana"....and walked away. it's been a struggle to try and push my feeling back about that subject, kind of reminds me of how you get clean a few months later you finally feel on top of the world (i was sick for 2 months so that's why took so long) than at the 6month mark you either relapse or feel like it's day one over again...than happens again a few months down the road.

Well it's just like that about my mom's death, and sometimes i like to use that as an excuse to "why i think i should use"..." i have a right to use i had a horrible tragedy in my life, people would be dissapointed...yes...but they also wouldn't be surprised, because" of 'the tragedy'.

how long am i willing to let myself entertain this logic...i don't know..i'm at that impass in my life where my whole world is going to change and i need to straighten up before it does. i still have that little scared 7 year old inside of me who thinks she isn't worth living and was taught she isn't good for nothing but........

That's where my disease hits me...and hits me hard.

On top of a outstanding $450.00 therapy bill ha i guess i should get on to paying that , thanks for listining

--being around other addicts and meetings actually make my cravings worse, mostly relapsed doing so , i used to go every day 3X a day for 2 years--

I learned a lot of coping skills through my extensive intreatment programs that i use to this day that compensate a "meeting" as well as being open to hear other peoples tools they use,

what works best is doing something'boring' helping a friend or doing something i normally would not want to do but since i already made a promise i do it and it consumes my day and i can't bail out..yet again being accountable to someone is always a sure fire way to keep your head above water

[madisgram]

i believe the answer to your delimma is would you rather stay addicted or would you rather choose to "find" yourself and live life to the fullest?
in early sobriety i thought much like you. the meetings made me want to drink so on the way home i'd buy some booze. i thought "i am doomed" cause i can't even get the help i need by going to meetings! acceptance was the key for me. do you "accept" the fact you are addicted or do you just "admit" you are addicted?
in order to change, i had to change. take responsibility for my life. "pick the road less traveled."...and that road is full of joy, hope and freedom from the chains of alcoholism.

[racee]

without the meetings i would have been doomed, it was a place for me to stay and i knew i would be ok for that minute. as well as all the people, i actually ran across a card that my homegroup gave me , it 22 signatures and wonderful sayings in it. they pushed me to do things i didn't want to do and helped me come out of my shell (by always nominating me being secretary, and planner of picnincs, group outings and such) grrr..

It reminded me how accepted i was/am.

I was thinking about your "did you accept, or just admit" question all day, which says a lot because i normally just take what people have to say here with a grain of salt. then i got mad at you for asking me such a question. That had my answer right there. I usually only get mad at people with stuff like that when they hit a sore spot or may have truth. (i learned that over the years never understood why i got mad at people, it's me putting up that wall)

i always knew i had a problem and i knew i was trying to harm myself in the begining of recovery i accepted it, i just wanted whatever it was to make me not live in reality, because i was not ready to face the things i was trying to escape from, that would of made what i was trying to escape from REAL, . after many 'backsliding' and then after a while of sobriety, my family never recognizes i have a problam we all just make like that point in my life never happened which is wonderful because they don't hold it over my head, but it makes it like i'm off scott free and i'm ok, honky dory. and my partner wont even let me talk about it becasue he looks at me like a deer in headlights and doesn't understand why i'm telling him. which i have to let things out if their on my mind.

so it feels like this distant past that's not really mine, and maybe acceptance has turned into not even admiting but a casual, oh yeah i just can't do that anymore.

i am going on i sruggle, but i move, it is difficult to learn the tools you need to live life as an adult rather than when your supposed to as a child, learning how to COPE. i didn't even realize there was another way till i found some tools in my 4 month inpatient, and to them i owe gratitude but still is not enough.

my addiction recognizes me, i do not want to recognize it. my addiction tells me lies, and i lie to myself when i believe it.
writing this and reading your first line of sentance i think i have been using excuses a lot more lately on why things don't get done in my life i haven't been wanting to love myself lately haha the queen of excuses.

I did 'positive therapy' with my live in group once, i had 30 people sit in a half circle around me and each person had to say three positive things about me and one negative, and since i lived with them already for going on 3 months they knew me pretty well. It workd wonders on seeing who you truly are, but you really need to be strong because i could see how it looks like a mob ganging up on you about your faults. which i already knew i had a lot

anyways sorry for explaining and talking so much it's hard anyways getting things out but once i feel comfortable it goes and i know long posts can be frustrating sometimes. it's easier for me to talk to a screen and no one wants to hear about it anyways at least the people i am close to

[madisgram]

oh racee i'm so glad you are talking about this. i totally understand where you are now. at the crossroad. sounds like you've seen the other side and it gave you hope. lean on us. you needn't apologize about a long post. you are getting out all the pent up feelings, frustration, and fears that you can't make it. when i finally surrendered to the fact that i was alcoholic it freed me. sounds like a contradiction but it's true. you are on the right path. try not to resist the desire to live life to the fullest.you deserve it. your "story" is my story at one time. when i got sober they called me "miracle jan", my name is jan. they witnessed my long struggle. they kept encouraging me to keep trying.
i also was afraid of life. i ran from it into the bottle. i believed what alcohol promised....joy, avoidance of pain, oblivion. what it promised like you said was a lie. it takes away your very soul. is evil. will destroy us. creates a void. i drank cause the dog died. i drank cause he lived. any excuse imaginable to justify my drinking. so i understand that too.
i will do what i can to help you. i do care about you. that's one of the reasons i'm at pc. to help those who suffer just like i suffered. to try to offer hope. to "listen."
you can pm me any time if you're comfortable with that.