[RapidFlyer]

I am surrendered, returned to sanity, and my will and life and in my HP's hands. My inventory is done and I have shared it with another person and God as I understand God, I have offered up my defects of character to be removed at God's time and place, I have made a list and gone to those I have harmed and offered to correct my errors and change what I have done to the best of my ability. I daily review what and how I have behaved asking for guidance and what must be corrected at once. I take time throughout the day and in the morning and at night to pray and meditate. And finally I practice all these principles in all my affairs (to the best of my ability) and carry the message the alcoholic who still suffers. Or overeater or drug addict.

I am sober today by the Grace of a power greater than myself.

[roads]

I'm angry again!!

Wxhitney Houston is dead at 48 years old, & I'm angry that she is. If she hadn't been a gorgeous, uber-sexy, uber-talented showbizz "property" whom dozens of theatrical financial magnates felt they owned (& who owed them big time), she might be just another alive and marginally content Nobody tonight.

There is so much that I hate about "show bizz"' & its whips & suckers & spinners. Most talented people never make it in the back door, thank heaven. Of them that do, 98% are out in 6 months. They survive in life, probably, although varying estimates never recover from their "failure" and some commit suicide. The "bizz" taints, like any addiction.

Whitney Houston was by so many accounts a huge talent and nice girl when she started, pretty trusting. She never had a chance.

I love talent but I hate the bizz.

over till another trashed talent dies...

Roadie

[notz]

Damn, we lost another one.

[Caretaker Leo]

Change is in the wind...

My son is moving into sober housing on Monday. I already know that I will feel a loss in my life as he has lived in my home for the past 2 years. Some co-dependency in our relationship...

can't write any more at the moment

[notz]

Hugs Leo

[madisgram]

when i heard re whitney i had an immediate reaction-anger. not at whitney but this disease of addiction. i don't know if it's confirmed but i know she had an addiction dependance for a long time. i wish she had chosen to get help and live drug free. so many, many people die from all walks of life cause they don't choose the "easier softer way." oh the power of drugs and alcohol...to destroy so many people. it makes my heart ache.
they say it's a selfish program/AA. but for the grace of god go i. i feel so grateful i am in recovery. any one of us in recovery can make the wrong choice. may those of us be ever vigilant to avoid the lure of drugs/alcohol. i will pray for those still suffering. in many cases that's all i can do. for others i will try to offer hope and be part of the solution.

[Towanda]

I'm new here, and amazed by the wisdom, honesty and dedication to sobriety on this thread!!

I am sober from alcohol 3 years on Feb 15th, and will have one week (hopefully!) free from SI also on the 15th.

I am also slowly learning to love and depend on myself and my HP. Hugs to everyone

[gma45]

I am here today trying to slow down. Re: Whitney another great voice snuffed out by drugs and alcohol or is it? Adult Bullying! People have a tendency to make it really hard for people that have had drugs and alcohol invade their lives and are trying to get help. It is a vicious circle the way I see it. I wish I had some answers today. Somedays it is just so hard to deal with life.

[madisgram]

towanda on your 3 yr.s of sobriety! so happy for you! and glad you "joined" this forum. there's hope here.

4 weeks smoke free for me

thats very cool buttercup..

me is still soberrrrrr

yep

[beauflow]

ButterCup you inspire me!!

Scary Doctor appointment last week; I am only on Lets see, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, today is the 16 -- so how would you count that the 5th full day right?.... struggles but it is ok...

As i mentioned in my one post- I am adapting the attitude with cigarettes as I have with any hard drug or getting high-- i may want to, yearn for it at times, really really feel it would be the solution-- but remember the out come, the bad, and that it is the cause of chaos (problems)..... and they could create my fear of things (having to be on oxygen not to far from now if I continue- or on oxygen at all when much older, cancer or what not- though I do realize even by quitting i could still have these fears, but by quitting it reduce the probability of the fears)... I know life is not math but gotta think about it some way for me

Tired of being sick- that is a big thing- want to be able to walk briskly with out being winded! tired of being sick! tired of not breathing right... coughing so much, hurting around my lung.

So in ways-- this is all good

I did forget-- I had an oral fixation before cigs... I need to get a handle on that-- I think i am gaining weight crazy just so soon

BE Well All!!

[notz]

The CDC has said the average weight gain for someone stopping smoking is 15 pounds. That was true for me.

I mention it so you don't have to beat up on yourself. Also, so you have a little "math" to work with!

The psychological dependence upon tobacco is highly underrated. It's really important to delve into this. I think this is what people refer to when they say "oral fixation". Maybe some research might help make sense of that and maybe you'll get some tips in the process.

In regards to oral fixation/psychological dependence for me...I sat down and made a list of (made many lists - ) ways I depended upon the "feel" of cigarettes. ...feeling it between my fingers, flicking ashes away, feeling it between my lips, sucking it, curling my lips around it. These things were part of my "love affair". These things had been part of my life for 35 years! Divorce is never easy.

I cut a straw to length that was about the right thickness around and smoked the heck out of that thing!!! It helped me.

Hang in there, you can do this!

[beauflow]

Thanks Notz for that

For the fixation-- Yeah I think I will try to chew gum again- I did that from Middle to high school, then when cigs got into the picture- no more gum.....but will try that again, it may not be entirely appropriate at work- these people can get odd... but oh well.

Awe the love affair- I know, I was like my friend is gone... where is my friend... but I need to remember this is a friend that is a toxic friend... true to the word toxic. It sucks to lose my friend, but it will be for the best, and perhaps i can make a new friend like walking more, outside on the hills, or something

Thanks for the support tooo it is tough but I think if i keep the mind set (for me atleast) that I am tired of being sick and cigs were the main cause for it, maybe I can do this-- ?

It's time for me and Ed (Eating Disorder) to have a Sunday Come To Jesus Meeting ...

Just for today I'm going to make at least one healthier choice ...

*******

Note of Interest ... Whitney Houston was a patient at the same Mental Health, Addiction & Recovery Center that I was a patient at on two occassions ... NOT at the same time though ... However, in the Garden at the Out Patient / Spiritual Center there is a stone engraved simply ... "To Those Who Didn't Make It" ... I've shed many a tear for those who don't ... Including Ms. Houston ... I hate to see addiction win ... But sadly it often does ... Whether the person afflicted with the disease(s) is Famous or Not ...

....I just went to another AA meeting....second one now in a row.

I haven't said anything yet cos I freak out so bad around people, nerves and anxiety and ridiculous brain activity!...but I really think it helps to see that other people have suffered just like me....in some kinda way.

I have been in the AA for 13 years....on and off. I think that now I might be ready to make a go of it.

I reckon it's okay just to sit there and watch and listen

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

....I just went to another AA meeting....second one now in a row.

I haven't said anything yet cos I freak out so bad around people, nerves and anxiety and ridiculous brain activity!...but I really think it helps to see that other people have suffered just like me....in some kinda way.

I have been in the AA for 13 years....on and off. I think that now I might be ready to make a go of it.

I reckon it's okay just to sit there and watch and listen

absolutely DM. you'll speak when you feel comfortable to do so. listening is good for us no matter how long we're sober. glad you we willing to make a go of it with AA again, friend. imo, "it works if we work it." hang in there for the miracle to happen.

I've been clean today. I feel good. I haven't thought about using.

I go to NA tommorow.

[notz]

Beauflow,

You made me think of all the time I spent at parties outside smoking, usually alone, I now have all the people who were inside to socialize with!!! I have found new friendships this way.

I've just come back from a "developing" country. This is an odd term, for they are developed in so many ways that we (the US) are not. They do much more with so much less. Their families are their greatest resource and their source of their strength and will to persevere in the face of daunting odds. So after this, it is very hard for me to find anything to complain about in my own life. Even a simple assessment, as is asked for in this thread, feels like complaining. Of course I know better; I know that this is a fine, worthwhile place to air our collective hurt, which is as real as anything. But I don't feel anything but gratitude and humility today, for all the things we take for granted here in the West. And I feel ashamed, yes, to be an American who has lost sight, long ago, of what really matters and the humility that can only come from real suffering and real pain. To be sure, my pain has been as real as anything but today, it feels false to talk of it in such a way. And I'm not sure I can continue here, to contribute when people elsewhere have everything to complain about but choose not to. It is hard when faced with such resilience and stoicism (and defiant joy) to air one single gripe, especially in such a public way.

I know we are all struggling in our own way, that this particular kind of struggle is in a way, a uniquely western phenomenon...and I know it is as real as anything, yes I do. But I don't think I can go on accepting the same, puerile self any more. It's not fair to the rest of the world; we have to reach down a little deeper-and get a little more perspective. I certainly do. We didn't always have these problems in the West and I often think now, it's just a matter of returning to our roots, of working harder, of being stronger, of not succumbing to labels and diagnoses, of not accepting the advice of strangers about which we know nothing (this is surely the most bizarre aspect of PC if you ask me). So to sum up, there's some self-loathing for sure, and a real desire to tell everyone to get off their collective tuchus and do more to improve their situation, to be proactive, to grow a spine. This is what I brought back with me, this is what I saw in the mirror that was held up to my face and I don't know how much longer I can participate here with the knowledge I have now, with this all-revealing glimpse of myself in a mirror held up to me by another culture..

I want to wish everyone well in their struggles but in my heart, something tells me there's something deeply wrong with our culture and I can't in all honesty, see a way out of it. And anything I might say now seems like so much verbal masturbation. I bear no one any ill will but I think I've lost my stomach for all this touchy-feely nonsense. And I feel like exiting quietly, stage left and turning back to face the mirror, alone.

[beauflow]

SOrry all--- Smoked some cigs over the weekend :-/ little upset, stressed, and what not-- but it was over all ok-- just we (bf and I) got a pack-- it lasted 2 days with the both of us lol-- I know that is no accomplishment, but it is shocking in a way-- Staring again today I suppose... they are all gone,

It is so hard, i hate this one addiction- the others were easier in ways (OR I think As I go through this one).... idk it is hard to explain... and blah-- why are they so easily accessible - that is one problem there. (can't go buy coke at a gas station,, well not legally )

Be well all- I just needed to tell someone my dirty secret over the weekend.

[gma45]

Just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in. I don't know why that song popped in my head. I hope today I can go to a meeting, and do something constructive.

My none smoking is still going good, 34 days smoke free

[notz]

Trying to re-install my own buttons!

[Caretaker Leo]

Here. Making some progress. Long way to go still.