[gma45]

I have become willing!

Not to good today. Regretting last night but at the same time not at all. Went out and did some things that I haven't done in 2 yrs. I had a lot of fun, and that scares me a bit knowing that it satisfied me that much.

[madisgram]

"If you want to change who you are, change what you do."

[roads]

Originally Posted by imabananin

Not to good today. Regretting last night but at the same time not at all. Went out and did some things that I haven't done in 2 yrs. I had a lot of fun, and that scares me a bit knowing that it satisfied me that much.

I don't have a clue what you're dealing with, but since you're posting in this thread I'll say this about me:

My addiction to alcohol satisfied me a great deal for nearly thirty years, and then it nearly killed me.

Roadie

In retro-spect, I can't honestly state I regret using alcohol or illegal drugs to execess. I regret driving intoxicated. If someone on earth wants to boast to me about their perfect mistake free life, I'm all ears. They haven't spoken up yet, so I'm guessing even non addicts do stupid selfish things. Do non addicts force themselves to do perpetual community service though?

[roads]

Brookwest? Is someone trying to lay a guilt trip on you? Forced, perpetual community service isn't part of any program I know of, not even a Texas-style court order!

What the heck's going on? Don't let idiots ruin anything.

There is some Texas style weird bigot like justice goin on up here in the neast usa. KCB group portland, weird nazi like...I have healthy sobriety, they are up to more, I believe.

[roads]

Oh. Okay, stay alert. You have to be on the lookout for agendas with people at some of these places. Take good, good care.
Roadie

[gma45]

Glad the day is over. The last few years I have begun to really dis-like holidays! I suppose it is because I am always alone. I did go to meeting which was a good one.

I hope you mood improves.

[madisgram]

First the man takes a drink; then the drink takes a drink; then the drink takes the man.
Japanese Proverb

"There is a solution."~Big Book of AA.

"The highest anyone gets in AA or in NA is sober and/or clean..."-common recovery wisdom, beware the recovery gurus...me

I think sobriety is a wonderful word-and goal-not only with regard to drugs and alcohol but in philosophical terms as well. The sober mind is not prone to leaps of fancy, and can see clearly the mirages that that drugs create in the mind-as well as the mirages we create, sometimes consciously, sometimes unwittingly, under the equally powerful influence of our self-deluding monkey-mindedness.

So yes, amen to sobriety. If we were all capable of this, most of our problems would surely evaporate.

[gma45]

It's not sobriety I fear it is life! Still wondering if it is to late? I don't feel like I am making any progress and I don't have time to waste, just can't get motivated. I think my anxiety makes people dis like me. I wish I could relax around people. I can't make friends. I am too tired.

I remember kicking recently and what I missed the most, was losing the knowledge that I had a very solid idea about what the day would bring while I was using. I would find drugs, use drugs repeat. Maybe joke around and make some friends along the way. Then it was like, "what is this day going to be like?" I've overcome that fear. I enjoy walking and playing my guitar and chatting with counter clerks while buying products. I have a better life clean.

[roads]

It's great hearing this. Like hearing you play that guitar too. Post to YouTube more!

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by gma45

It's not sobriety I fear it is life! Still wondering if it is to late? I don't feel like I am making any progress and I don't have time to waste, just can't get motivated. I think my anxiety makes people dis like me. I wish I could relax around people. I can't make friends. I am too tired.

perhaps your treatment team can help with your anxiety concerns. i have depression and said to my T years ago,"i don't do life well." so in my case therapy really helped to learn coping skills for my moods and anxiety along with meds. i use AA too to keep that demon at bay. both have changed my perception and today i feel i can live quite well. ahh solutions. perhaps my suggestions may help you too, gma. thanks for your posting re this.

[roads]

Originally Posted by brookwest

"The highest anyone gets in AA or in NA is sober and/or clean..."-common recovery wisdom, beware the recovery gurus...me

Originally Posted by gma45

It's not sobriety I fear it is life! Still wondering if it is to late? I don't feel like I am making any progress and I don't have time to waste, just can't get motivated. I think my anxiety makes people dis like me. I wish I could relax around people. I can't make friends. I am too tired.

For me, the sober life and life are the same thing ~ which is why for me:
"drink appeal" -->
Note to me: "Watch out."

I don't want to die today, also today I really really don't want to die drunk.

Not too late, gma45. You say:

I can't make friends. I am too tired.

Yes, it takes maybe more hard work than anything else in life. I harbor a deep suspicious though that it's probably worth more as well.
To me, anyway. We all make choices.
Choices in important ways are what define us, like ...
The choice to live a sober life. WoW. What a choice!

The choice to risk attempting a friendship?
What a choice, what a chance...
... but for you to decide its value for you

Roadie

[gma45]

Thanks everyone. All your thoughtful suggestions I take to heart. It's been months on here and I feel like I am starting to chip away at the iceberg and open up somewhat, I still haven't gotten that far in real life at meeting I just freeze I just can't speak yet. So this thread helps me tremendously. One day at a time!

I played my music to the river as the sun was rising and light mist was floating atop its surface. The ducks and birds were a very good audience. It will be a above average day, I'm certain. Glad to be clean and sober.

Yes, an above average day already, indeed. Birds and peeper frogs are a-peeping, the greenery is unfolding beneath the dawning sun, it is a wonderful day to be sober and take it all in. Yesterday was a struggle; if you were to graph its ups and downs, it would look like the NYSE a few years ago but today, it's a nice, level, upbeat, sober, gently upward-sloping line. I wish all of you brave addiction slayers another 24 hrs of being good to yourselves.

[Edge11]

Hi everyone...It's been a few 24's since I've posted...I went through a very difficult bout of depression and anxiety followed by thoughts of drinking...My anxiety was so bad I had to cut back on my meetings...I finally went to my doctor and he gave me some meds and told me to find a psych-doc... I was trying to control all of this by myself and it almost took me back out...So I'm feeling better and started going to my meetings again...Thank God I didn't drink.............

[gma45]

I am here and I am going to make this a good day!

[ladyjane4rent]

60 days sober tomorrow! How shall we celebrate? I have taken to snacking at night to ward off withdrawals. Lucky charms is doing the trick

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by ladyjane4rent

60 days sober tomorrow! How shall we celebrate? I have taken to snacking at night to ward off withdrawals. Lucky charms is doing the trick

so very happy for you, lady!