[roads]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I'm giving it up.... no more alcohol for me. It doesn't appear to be conducive with getting my life back on track. wish me luck.

For me, it wasn't giving up alcohol that I had to keep in mind. It was--every day--choosing again to remain sober ... and doing whatever it took, and to keep doing whatever it took, to keep that first drink out of my hand ... keep it from making its way to my mouth ...

OMG, the agony getting through that first day! And the second day ... That's when I started making promises, the "one little drink, to stop the shakes" kind.

Everyone's story is different, LolaCabanna. We're here for you, sober is really cool ... means you've got your very own "Everyone's Is Different" story! Some are really inspirational, some can break your heart, & mine sounds like an opening act in a Vegas Comedy club.

You can do this, LolaCabanna. Stay in touch.

Roadie

[LostAngel0616]

Originally Posted by Roadie

LostAngel0616:

I'm vaguely reminded of my encounter with the guy who's now my m-doc ... back in 1991. It resulted in my giving up cigarettes for good, and all because he made me that mad! Whatever does it, gofortit . I hope you and me share "that" special kind of anger that can occasionally be turned to the productive. The nice term is sheer, stubborn willpower.

Exactly the right words. I am going to show her that I have the power inside me; I'm not just a helpless little girl.

May I very gently suggest that you consider giving the couples therapy a try-out? Give it a six-session run, then examine where you're at.

You make a good point... If she brings it up again, I'll try it.

[bluemountains]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I'm giving it up.... no more alcohol for me. It doesn't appear to be conducive with getting my life back on track. wish me luck.

I'm with you Lola. Time for me to give it up (again!), too. It is not how often with me-I can go several weeks without it, instead it is not being able to stop when I get started. I have bipolar disorder, and alcohol effects are intensified with the meds. I'm not ready to give it up, but I have to. My pdoc and t both say it is okay to have an occasional glass (that's one!) of wine, but I can't stop until I have finished the bottle plus more if it is available. I wish I was the type of person who could just drink one glass because I love wine. It calms down my mind, but one night of drinking equals 2-3 days of misery. I am shaky, depressed, and generally feel terrible. I take ibuprofen and tylenol to keep the headaches away. I hate the genes I got stuck with.
Bluemountains

Originally Posted by bluemountains

I'm with you Lola. Time for me to give it up (again!), too. It is not how often with me-I can go several weeks without it, instead it is not being able to stop when I get started. I have bipolar disorder, and alcohol effects are intensified with the meds. I'm not ready to give it up, but I have to. My pdoc and t both say it is okay to have an occasional glass (that's one!) of wine, but I can't stop until I have finished the bottle plus more if it is available. I wish I was the type of person who could just drink one glass because I love wine. It calms down my mind, but one night of drinking equals 2-3 days of misery. I am shaky, depressed, and generally feel terrible. I take ibuprofen and tylenol to keep the headaches away. I hate the genes I got stuck with.
Bluemountains

Are we related... Same here although I only like red wine and beer. I am not buying it packaged or bringing it home , only with dinner if I want it.. So far so good, good luck . My T isn't making me its just me making me, the older I get the harder it is to recover from those binge nights.

[bluemountains]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Are we related... Same here although I only like red wine and beer. I am not buying it packaged or bringing it home , only with dinner if I want it.. So far so good, good luck . My T isn't making me its just me making me, the older I get the harder it is to recover from those binge nights.

Not buying it is my plan, too. I like beer, but it doesn't "call" to me the way that wine does. I can drink one or two beers and stop. My t wants me to call the pdoc in order to get my meds adjusted-I'm hypomanic now, and this is when I really like wine to slow down my mind in the evening and to help me sleep.
I agree about the binge nights-my whole body feels it now.
Good luck to you, too, Lola!

[roads]

Now, wait ...

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I'm giving it up.... no more alcohol for me.

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I am not buying it packaged or bringing it home , only with dinner if I want it.

Roadie

[roads]

Originally Posted by bluemountains

....
It is not how often with me-I can go several weeks without it, instead it is not being able to stop when I get started. I have bipolar disorder, and alcohol effects are intensified with the meds. I'm not ready to give it up, but I have to. My pdoc and t both say it is okay to have an occasional glass (that's one!) of wine, but I can't stop until I have finished the bottle plus more if it is available.
....
I hate the genes I got stuck with.
Bluemountains

Originally Posted by bluemountains

....
I like beer, but it doesn't "call" to me the way that wine does. I can drink one or two beers and stop.
....
My t wants me to call the pdoc in order to get my meds adjusted-I'm hypomanic now, and this is when I really like wine to slow down my mind in the evening and to help me sleep.

Dear bluemountains,

I'm bipolar alcoholic--diagnosed, certified, treated (sober & mostly stable for over four years). I suspect that neither your pdoc nor your T have an extensive professional understanding of alcoholism as it relates to bipolar disorder. Understand, that is my opinion ... but it's based on my life experience & I urge you to seek a second psychological evaluation from someone with greater alcoholism awareness.



Roadie

If I tell myself I CAN'T drink at all it just makes me rebel against myself, eventually. If I just don't bring it into the house or have it on hand then it's more of a , when we go out to eat I can have a beer or a glass of wine with dinner, I don't always but if I want to I can. My partner drinks on occasion with a meal or a few in a social situation. I just don't want it on hand in the house as it becomes an option if I have an emotional response to something I don't want to deal with or I'm bored or whatever other crap I'll tell myself. I live in a dry county so in order to get beer,wine or liquor I would have to drive a good distance. instead I'm going to talk with my partner or journal or work in the yard , something constructive. I don't want alcohol to be the center of any activities, as it is a depressant and i am goong through some rough childhood abuse stuff in T. Does that make more sense?

I could belying to myself but out of sight out of mind is working so far.

[whyme17]

Smokeed a lot today! Just have so much stress, I'm happy I was able to go out and do somthing It took all of me but glad I went and had a good time. I'm going to an NA meeting tuesday hope that goes well and I can get my **** together crossing my fingers

[DianasClan]

Checking in. They say that when the going gets rough take it one day at a time. hell i am so stressed and in such a messed up mental state that even that is too much. i am having to take it second by second. and even that is hard.

"we drink/use to get rid of a feeling(s)" (anger, depression, escape, to be numb and not feel.) EXCUSES NOT REASONS" - madisgram

Yup I see me in the post.... I'm an addict, to anything and everything that makes me forget...from food to booze to drugs to sex to exercise to shopping etc.

I am trying to focus more toward the nondestructive addictions.

[roads]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

If I tell myself I CAN'T drink at all it just makes me rebel against myself, eventually. If I just don't bring it into the house or have it on hand then it's more of a , when we go out to eat I can have a beer or a glass of wine with dinner, I don't always but if I want to I can. My partner drinks on occasion with a meal or a few in a social situation.
....
Does that make more sense?

I could belying to myself but out of sight out of mind is working so far.

Yes--it makes a lot of sense to me. It means that you know you're still keepng alcohol available to you, should you feel that need that so many alcoholics do in a social situation for the extra "courage in a bottle" that wine, etc., gives us.

It also means--and major kudos to you for this (both for your awareness and for your bravery)--that you're aware you've been using alcohol in an attempt to treat your mental health needs:

I just don't want it on hand in the house as it becomes an option if I have an emotional response to something I don't want to deal with or I'm bored or whatever other crap I'll tell myself. I live in a dry county so in order to get beer,wine or liquor I would have to drive a good distance. instead I'm going to talk with my partner or journal or work in the yard , something constructive. I don't want alcohol to be the center of any activities, as it is a depressant and i am goong through some rough childhood abuse stuff in T.

This shows huge growth on your part and can serve as a great motivator.

Please stay in touch. If I can help at all, I'd like to be able to .

Roadie

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

"we drink/use to get rid of a feeling(s)" (anger, depression, escape, to be numb and not feel.) EXCUSES NOT REASONS" - madisgram

Yup I see me in the post.... I'm an addict, to anything and everything that makes me forget...from food to booze to drugs to sex to exercise to shopping etc.

I am trying to focus more toward the nondestructive addictions.

lola are you running from yourself? i'm glad you're recognizing your self-destructive addictions. exercise-within reason- is a healthy option for anyone. eating healthy. etc.
if you go to therapy-i forget-you can challenge those feelings you want to forget. by getting to the root/cause of those feelings you can learn coping skills and also identify false beliefs about yourself. some of mine were: everyone must like me or i'm not worthy, i screw up everything anyway so why try?, nobody really loves me they just want to hurt me, i'm never good enough, i don't know how to live like everyone else, i'm different and need to hide it, etc.
yes looking at ourselves and the obstacles are/can be painful. but the truth is many things we are trying to forget are not real facts. we just think they are.
my T helped me untangle the mass of my irrational thoughts. this was the major cause for me to use alcohol. i didn't want to look at any of my feelings. they terrified me. so i numbed them and found i was drinking more and more to make it work for me.
it's positive to strive for more healthy behaviors but if we don't address what's bothering us it will surface over and over and the unhealthy cycle begins again. does this make sense? i hope it may encourage you to toss that self-destructive sack of feelings off your back. it really can be done.having a T to work with you is very helpful.

Are you kidding me, the above posts wouldn't have have been possible without a T. I'm like a fixture in his office. I'm a work in progress. Thanks

[madisgram]

thats great, lola. i couldn't have done it without my T. he was more versed in addictions than most phd's. when i moved away i always used the rule of thumb re more indepth training in addictions to select a T.
i feel you will find good results working with a T and it speeds up our healing. no way i could have done it alone for sure.

[bluemountains]

Originally Posted by Roadie

Dear bluemountains,

I'm bipolar alcoholic--diagnosed, certified, treated (sober & mostly stable for over four years). I suspect that neither your pdoc nor your T have an extensive professional understanding of alcoholism as it relates to bipolar disorder. Understand, that is my opinion ... but it's based on my life experience & I urge you to seek a second psychological evaluation from someone with greater alcoholism awareness.



Roadie

Hi Roadie,
Thank you for your input. My t, a clinical psychologist, is actually well-trained to work with bipolar/alcoholic clients. Her prior experience includes work at a VA facility with patients who battled addictions and MI. I only self-medicate with alcohol during hypomanic moods. I have gone months without the strong desire to drink, otherwise, I can control that minor desire that is always there, and not drink during those times. I had been doing well for a while until now, but this time I am more hypomanic than usual. If I can't sleep for several days, I begin drinking to help along with taking klonopin, and I drink too much in one sitting. This is the reason why my t wants me to contact my pdoc-the sleeping problems and the hypomania.
I know that self-medicating with alcohol and klonopin is dangerous. I also know that even though I don't drink often, when I do it is not healthy, the amount nor the lack of inhibitions.
Yes, I do have a problem with alcohol when I drink, and after a couple of days and a t visit, I am working on getting back on a healthy track-that's where I am now. I called the pdoc today and will be seeing her in a couple of weeks-meanwhile she should be calling me tomorrow and I can talk with her about whether she wants to make med adjustments now, or wait until I see her. I also will see my t next week. The third dr. on my team is my gp. She also follows my use very closely because I have high bp, high cholesterol, and the beginnings of kidney disease. She monitors my alcohol as well as the bipolar meds closely because of the other medical problems I have.

Sorry for the LONG post, I just wanted to let you know that I always appreciate your help, and also that I am making positive progress-still little sleep, but not drinking.

Bluemountains

[LostAngel0616]

I am doing pretty good not smoking cigarettes. I've been eating everytime I want one. (Which isn't such a bad thing since I'm only 117Lbs and need to gain weight. We tend to only eat healthy food, as well.) So that seems to be working out. I just need to remember to keep things balanced.

[madisgram]

everybody ok? just thinking of all of you.

[LostAngel0616]

I took a huge leap back last night... I haven't cut myself in over 3 years (I view it as an addiction) and mygirlfriend and I had a very bad, hateful fight, with her implying that I should have tried harder at my suicide attempts when I was 16. I stormed out of the house, found a beer bottle, broke it, and gave myself a good gash across my arm in hopes that I would go to sleep and bleed out. Obviously that didn't happen. But I'm still struggling today. I feel like a total faliure. Over 3 years down the drain...

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by LostAngel0616

I took a huge leap back last night... I haven't cut myself in over 3 years (I view it as an addiction) and mygirlfriend and I had a very bad, hateful fight, with her implying that I should have tried harder at my suicide attempts when I was 16. I stormed out of the house, found a beer bottle, broke it, and gave myself a good gash across my arm in hopes that I would go to sleep and bleed out. Obviously that didn't happen. But I'm still struggling today. I feel like a total faliure. Over 3 years down the drain...

lostangel, unfortunately there are many ppl who do not understand about addictions or mental health issues. did the gf mean you should have tried harder to be successful in your attempt? if so that had to hurt badly. i am not a cutter but have read that one feels like cutting will release pent up emotions. to me it doesn't matter if it's an addiction or not. if it's how you describe it and feel the behavior is an addiction for you.
and u're right you did step back but it doesn't mean your 3 years is lost. for me as an alcoholic i stepped back a few times and drank. but i got back up, tried to see where my behavior was not healthy and moved forward in my sobriety. i've been sober quite a long time now but i still remember feeling like i was a loser when i drank again. but looking back won't change the past. today is a new day and focus on it.
i'm glad you posted. we all need support from time to time. i hope today was better for you.

[optimize990h]

bit tired today did not sleep that well last night. did some errands so got outside. my bird is less depressed.

[LostAngel0616]

(madisgram) I did have abetter day today. But I didn't tell my girlfriend that I cut. I'm hoping that I can get it to heal before she takes notice of the hiding. Its been two days, and I don't think it's closed up yet... I've never cut that deep, so thats making me even more on edge about it. I'm heading into my therapy session, and then my first DBT class in a few, so I'll be able to get some of it out.

[gma45]

Finally able to get back on line! Boy! I sure miss you guys when my computer go's down. I have been going to meetings and trying to stay busy with work and looking for more work so I can move out of here! Feeling pretty good today, just hope the feeling lasts a while.

[optimize990h]

out a bit but mostly with a worried friend. now, today unsettled don't want to unsettle friend more.

[whyme17]

Last night I had the most fun I've had in a really long time, Icame home high like I usually do but this time my mom knew. She went in my bag & found close to 3grams of weed & told me wouldn't be doing anything for the rest of the summer which is understandable, but this just made me realise how badly I want to quit