[Leed]

Roadie, my friend - are you a perfectionist like most of us? LOL You are only human. So what if you "failed". Is the sun going to shine tomorrow? I certainly hope so. It didn't make you drink over it, did it? No. So it seems you didn't fail yourself in my book. And living up to others' expectations ALL THE TIME is impossible! Don't we first have to TRY to live up to ours? That's a chore in itself and not always one that can be done because we are HUMAN. We have frailities. I didn't live up to mine today because I smoked a cigarette, and I'm ordered by the doctor to quit. I failed -- I fell short. I'm not angry, but I'm weak. I'll quit, but it will take time. Once again I'm addicted and this is worse than when I was drinking!

Go easy on yourself. If you must, "forgive" yourself, but let go of the anger as it does no good and it's really unnecessary as we're all human beings with faults.

God bless dear Roadie. Take care. Hugs, Lee

[notz]

My experience with expectation is that a narrow pattern of thinking is always the basis for all my disappointments. Some of my most profound learning experiences have come from situations that didn't turn out the way I thought they should. I tend to forget I get what I need rather than what I want.

Expectations are part of life, I have to widen my parameters of "expectations" to keep me in the moment. jme

Roadie, you have been very helpful to me in the past and for whats its worth , treat yourself as you would treat others. Don't make your standards higher then the ones of those around you...self forgiveness is a sure sign of self love.

[roads]

Originally Posted by Leed

Roadie, my friend - are you a perfectionist like most of us? LOL You are only human. So what if you "failed". Is the sun going to shine tomorrow? I certainly hope so. It didn't make you drink over it, did it? No. So it seems you didn't fail yourself in my book. And living up to others' expectations ALL THE TIME is impossible! Don't we first have to TRY to live up to ours? That's a chore in itself and not always one that can be done because we are HUMAN. We have frailities. I didn't live up to mine today because I smoked a cigarette, and I'm ordered by the doctor to quit. I failed -- I fell short. I'm not angry, but I'm weak. I'll quit, but it will take time. Once again I'm addicted and this is worse than when I was drinking!

Go easy on yourself. If you must, "forgive" yourself, but let go of the anger as it does no good and it's really unnecessary as we're all human beings with faults.

God bless dear Roadie. Take care. Hugs, Lee

Thanks, Lee. Looking back now it's seems that going to the event (which I refused to do & which started all this) was such a small thing, I can't figure how I got my priorities so messed up. That's why forgiving myself is hard--I've no reason to think I've learned anything to prevent a repeat of this.

The anger seems to be draining away, losing its energy. I cry most of the time when I'm alone, and I haven't had any sleep for a long time that's not stripped of any rest by coststant dreams. Rather than anger, tonight I feel mostly empty and that's better. At least it's restful. My supervisor this evening suggested I take some time off, & I have plenty of vacation time available ... maybe that's what I need, as soon as the "big event" is accomplished.

Thank you, though. I'm trying.

[roads]

Originally Posted by notz

My experience with expectation is that a narrow pattern of thinking is always the basis for all my disappointments. Some of my most profound learning experiences have come from situations that didn't turn out the way I thought they should. I tend to forget I get what I need rather than what I want.

Expectations are part of life, I have to widen my parameters of "expectations" to keep me in the moment. jme

I think I follow, but I'm not talking about my expectation of life, of things that didn't turn out the way I expected them to. I'm talking about my failing to live up to other's expectations of me. My disappointment is with myself.

[roads]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Roadie, you have been very helpful to me in the past and for whats its worth , treat yourself as you would treat others. Don't make your standards higher then the ones of those around you...self forgiveness is a sure sign of self love.

Lola, you're such a sweetie! not a smidgen of self-love going on here tonight, honey bunch, but I know what you're saying. I can't figure out how I got myself into this mess, and I have trouble forgiving myself until I can feel like I'm not going to do this again. It will happen, I just need to sort out what I did wrong. How I got my priorities so mixed up.

You're such a sweetheart, with all you deal with, to worry about me. Thank you, thank you.

Roadie

[madisgram]

don't know if this applies to you roadie but when i'm angry at myself it causes depression. i don't believe that what you did is anything but human. we all fall short sometimes. in AA it teaches us when we are truly wrong to make amends directly to the person if possible. if that is the case from what i've read here you are doing just that.
my sponsor once told me this...do you believe that god (HP) forgives you of your shortcomings? i said yes. she said then, what makes you greater than your higher power to not forgive yourself? in other words do i think i sit above my HP. of course i don't so that comment helped me.
we all strive for progress not perfection. none of us is perfect in any facet of life. you're snagged in the cycle of being angry with self. (punishing self) what will that accomplish and what would be the outcome of that? nothing at all, imho. just perpetual anger directed at yourself. no good will come from it. it causes one to be stagnant.
"Let go, let god (hp)." sometimes difficult to let go but we can learn from it.
hope this may help.

[roads]

I think I have trouble letting go because I don't know why I messed up. are you saying if I can find some way of letting go, my higher power show me where I went wrong?

[madisgram]

well think i understand your question and yes. we turn it over (let go, let HP handle it) to our HP when it's beyond our scope of understanding. that is what we can do instead of becoming mired in our own mind with no understanding in sight. here's what i do in cases similar to yours-i pray that my HP will help me understand my part in something. then i wait. if it's supposed to be revealed to me it will happen. then i can learn by my mistake and change that behavior. if i totally don't understand i pray and say just that. then i leave it up to my creator. i guess you could say it's a leap of faith. i know if i keep the faith it will be revealed to me.
the *active part i/you can do is to write down how i/you perceived the situation. then walk away. reread the next day, etc. i can either see my truth or my skewed thinking will be revealed by reading what i wrote. then i can strive to overcome the character defect and replace it with a trait i can be proud of.* like anger for example. i used to have rage. not often but i didn't understand why i got SO angry sometimes. i prayed for this defect of character to be removed from my behavior. (if i asked for the miracle to get sober and it happened why shouldn't i be helped with this by my HP?) i also looked at what i was feeling when i got so mad. it stemmed from fear actually. fearful then going into rage to "protective mode." that was the footwork i needed to do. recognize the anger first before i blew. by doing so i rarely lose it anymore. it has been replaced with serenity. something i will fiercely protect cause my life has changed so much for the better.
hope this may aid you, (((roadie)))
ask for help/pray and do the *footwork too.

[xxxispillcoffeexxx]

25 days sober today!

[beauflow]

sigh... bad bad trigger today--
well two triggers at around the same time-- and one very bad bad trigger that I can't seem to say "i am ok, I am in a safe place"....IDK If that all fits into here but one thing does I think...

Bad thoughts, bad thoughts coupled with-- some times thought of- "well if i was still using drugs I would not care so much-- I would be carrying the big ol' knife I used to always carry with me-- and No problem with trouble makers.... '~ bad *** drug addict Beauflow~'.."

I looked mean when I was doing a lot of coke and just getting high on anything-- I had that deep dead stair that even got some ex-cons to say -- damn your scary... wouldn't turn my back on you in a fight.

But the reality of it is is -yeah right :rollseyes:

I was never a fighter lets be honest-- But at least that was one side of when on the hard drugs-- I did Believe I could take someone on- Mess them up-- of course I was literally high all the time!!

Now days though-- geez, I know this is due to my past with things, and I suspect part of the heavy drug use that I did and things that happened while on heavy drug use-- but I am so fragile in a sense, and I do not have that confidence -- These days I don't think like I used to; I don't have that dead cold star like I got nothin to lose, so game on- I don't think I could take on someone that would attack me.. I would fight no doubt (or I hope) but not like I thought when high...
Though with what happened to day and me freezing like I did-- IDK if i would be able to fight back these days....

this upsets me on several levels as I am sure some can understand a little.

But I need to remember that the drug Beauflow, was delusional in her own way... that the dead cold star those empty eyes of nothing to lose, it may had made me mean in a sense back then-- but it is not good--

I guess today it is the confidence that i Used to have which ALSO Coupled with drug use-- IS HOW I lost that Confidence if that makes any sense.

some what feel like a real failure right now-- I know I always say I try best not to regret the drugs that I did- that journey that i did with them- I realize it was horrible but I learned a lot of things... and that there-- learning a lot-- is what and why I don't regret
I would not have learned the things that I did (I don't believe) with out that journey that I did.. But right now with the realization (which is not the first time) that part of my confidence was lost in that life style and usage.. it hurts a lot right now with the other triggers that happened today...

I am sorry if this does not fully fit here-- but I don't want to start a thread about it-- it is part of past drug addiction, past drug useage, out come and all.... I know deeper things as well..

I will remind myself that this to shall pass.

[notz]

I would not have learned the things that I did (I don't believe) with out that journey that I did.. But right now with the realization (which is not the first time) that part of my confidence was lost in that life style and usage.. it hurts a lot right now with the other triggers that happened today...

((((((beauflow))))))))

You are the sum of all your experiences, both good and not so good. There is so much to look forward to! And still, it will not be a bed of roses, but with the tools you learn how to use in AA, you can continue to move forward. Hugs.

Every day we don't pick up we are that much further AWAY from that drink or drug. ONE day at a time. If I feel I can't do it, I do one HOUR at a time. I call my sponsor and ask for help. Hang in there!

[madisgram]

((((beauflow)))) thank you so much for your post. i know i've looked back with sadness of innocence lost but looking forward predicts my life is so much better. you have chosen the right path. you realize the harm drugs did to you. your confidence (in a healthy way) will return. i lost all mine too. the first 6 months of sobriety i was a terrified rabbit. i was afraid to believe all that would change. i didn't know who i was! the longer i stayed sober the better i felt about myself. being able to stay sober was definitely a confidence booster. many PPL never reach that pinnacle to discover a new way of living. you have begun that worthwhile journey. there will be a day you will suddenly discover your confidence in yourself is within you. you'll also discover many abundant qualities you possess that you are proud of. strive to look forward not back. it may be too raw just yet to reflect. that's ok.....and my friend you are ok.you are a beautiful person. i've watched you grow. all the promises will come true if you maintain your sobriety.

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

[-Astral-]

Am 7 months clean today i hope everyone is doing ok

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by Twinkle-Twinkle

Am 7 months clean today i hope everyone is doing ok

a great job, twinkle-twinkle!!!!!

hey madi J....

still alive I am...still here...still ok even when I'm not

[beauflow]

((Thank you All))

Even hugs are support..

I have been sober from what I classify as the Hard Drug life style, this December it will be 4 years... and I still feel as if the confidence that I once had, it is lost; however On a Plus Side Madisgram as you mention not all has been lost and some has been regained, *some confidence* of a new style in a way has either re-grown, or developed in some way.. it is hard to explain..

I just had a bad night the other day ((Thank you all)) it does mean a lot of the words you say

Some times -- it is still one day at a time....

[roads]

I went to my sponsor's monthly women's support group today. She told me and several others we were having problems with longterm sobriety because we have drinking friends. True, none of my close friends here abstain. She went further to say she would not work with us if we did not ride ourselves of close, drinking friends, that they are at root of our trouble.
I am stunned at this. I know some in AA this purest but I would find it difficult. It has been strange day, my T was full of similar directives.
I feel sad but more confused.

[madisgram]

my dearest and only sponsor died. she was 55 years sober. what an inspiration to me. she offered me hope when i had given up. she offered me unconditional love. she helped me grow spiritually. she was "old" AA and i was the one who benefited. she knew Bill W. and Dr. Bob. she was one of the very first women in AA. i am heartbroken tho i knew she couldn't live forever. i want to post a tribute to her here but too upset right now.

IN LOVING MEMORY
Terry Brown

[notz]

Madisgram,

I am so sorry to hear this. Hugs to you and your grieving heart.

[roads]

Madisgram, I am so sad for you and can only imagine all that fill your memory and heart right now. I don't know her but am thinking of the sort of woman and person she must have been ... the first woman in AA! & I am so grateful to her myself for that.
Hugs galore and continuing thoughts to you.

[madisgram]

bumping up the thread. my former husband, age 65, and father of my son passed away unexpectedly last week. so i've been off pc. in recent time i had been his caretaker but caring for him was too much to handle. he had suffered from paranoid schizophrenia since he was 25. was a great blow to all of us. but i'm sober and that still, 24 years now, remains my no.1 priority in my life. that's two painful losses in one week for me.
i hope everyone is doing ok too.

[roads]

Such losses ...
And people so close to you in such intimate ways. I've been thinking about you and meaning to check in ... now more. I am so sorry.
You, of all people, know this is when the AA program brings out our strength.
Roadie

[madisgram]

oh roadie, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words.