Trying to break addictions, mood disorder problems

Hi All,

I've posted in the Bipolar forum before and not sure whether best to post there or here, but as this is primarily addiction related thought I'd post here.

I've had mood disorder problems since I was 17 and had a diagnosis of BP2 rapid cycling before, I stopped taking meds and ceased treatment after a few months. I also have problems with alcohol and drugs.

My last bad relapse happened after a broken engagement. I had been recovering from an IV heroin addiction and went back to the needle when the relationship ended. I become more dependent than ever, using 2+ times a day for 3 months straight & also started doing speedballs. I had a really high paying job that afforded me my habit, but my work suffered. Eventually I hit rock bottom and had an emotional breakdown.

I walked away from my job and left the city I was living in to get away from all my contacts and came home, which is a long way from where I was living. I have been living at home and have been clean for nearly 3 weeks now. I have got past the sickness and have been gaining energy and health everyday.

However, I'm now having crushing anxiety and loneliness. I don't miss using, but I miss the 'lifestyle' and the company that came with it even though I know it was bad for me. I'm so anxious about the future and living a 'normal' life, not know whether I can cope with it.

I have an appointment in 5 days to see a drug & alcohol counsellor, but don't know if I can make it to then. The anxiety is this feeling of panic and desperation which is leading to intrusive suicidal thoughts. I live with my mother at the moment but don't want to tell her because she doesn't need any more stress in her life. I have thought about ringing the emergency psychiatric hot line, but I'm terrified of being sectioned (legally committed) and having my freedom taken away.

The thoughts are constant. I don't think I would act on them because I have 6yo daughter who I love incredibly and couldn't leave behind, but I also feel very panicked like I'm being forced back into a corner and need to do something. Sometimes I think about returning to the city I was using in to go back to the lifestyle, because as horrible as it was, it's better than SH/SI.

I don't know what to do. Do I try and wait it out until I see the counsellor and try see a psych dr again? Or should I be seeking emergency help?

I'm so sick of my whole life bouncing between wild, crippling mood swings and self-medicating with addictions.

twelvebars - much sympathy, and congratulations on getting clean, especially from such incredibly addictive and destructive drugs! I hope you realize that's a substantial accomplishment and a big step toward rebuilding a healthier life.

It sounds like it will help to start developing a new social circle and perhaps becoming involved in new (healthier!) activities. That might help with the loneliness, though you'll probably have to work through some anxiety with it too. You might not be ready for that part yet, but if you think you are, try looking for local events or groups that might suit your leisure interests.

However, on the other issues, I can't really say how much of an emergency situation you're in. Do you have a plan? That's a definite sign that you need to get immediate help.

If you are not on meds and you have a BP dx, you should try to get into a psych as soon as possible (assuming meds are an acceptable thing for you, some people prefer otherwise.) Getting the BP under control will probably help a lot with the substance abuse issues; if you're feeling better and more stable, you probably won't feel the need to use as strongly, and it should help with the suicidal thoughts. Mood stabilizers have made it possible for me to cut back on alcohol quite dramatically because I'm no longer self-medicating with it.

If you are feeling that it's an emergency, do go to the hospital - that's what they are for and there's no shame in seeking help when you need it. Don't worry about what others will think; it is really more important to them that you are well!

i understand much of your situation re dual diagnosis. i did "commit" myself for help cause i was failing over and over again...abusing alcohol to self medicate while also being bipolar 1. the combination of both is a dangerous mix as you know. i became hopeless, real hopeless and knew i needed to take myself out of my environment completely to hopefully succeed so i would have a life, literally.
they suggest in AA we need to avoid ppl, places and things. your ongoing attraction to the ambiance would definitely be a ppl, place and thing you are longing for. imo moving back would respark your attraction to the alcohol and drug use. it would only be a matter of time before you would use i feel. there's a saying, blind ppl don't go to the movies, just a figure of speech tho. alcoholics are encouraged not to go to bars. same reason. i feel it would be setting you up for another downfall.
please keep in mind this is just my opinion. you can create a new life if you are willing to go to any length as many of us have leaving the past the past. the reason you are comfortable to the alluring ambiance is you've lost the feeling of normal. that can evolve over time as long as you don't put yourself in the frying pan again.
i wish you well. glad you posted.

Thanks for the replies.

I made it through & saw an alcohol & drug counsellor (also a psych nurse) yesterday. She has recommended I see the same Dr again who gave me the BP2 dx a few years ago, so he can see the pattern/continuity of my difficulty & made a follow up appointment for a week. Unfortunately the Dr is on holiday at the moment so I have to wait it out till he gets back. In the meantime I have been given the number for an inpatient centre that specializes in dual disorders (mood/psych + alcohol & drugs) which I can check myself into if I want, however may also be a waiting list.

Now I just need to decide whether I want to do this. I have some reservations, as I researched it and many patients are there because the court has ordered them to be. From previous experience, such people aren't really wanting treatment themselves and can be dangerous to be around (they still want to live their lifestyle and are angry the court is trying to prevent them).

The other option is keep seeing the A&D centre for counselling and another psych eval, trying meds again etc.

I think I'm just going to sit on my hands for a few days and avoid any bad influences. Hopefully the correct decision will come to me.

Thanks for reading.

going to NA OR AA might help you too. i found it helped me in all facets of life. learning balance and untangling many of my feelings. plus i got sober!lots of support there re addiction in addition to your therapy. worked for me. by dealing with addiction issues and leaning new coping strategies the combination gave me the winning odds.

I know for me to acheive any sobriety meant treating both my mental health and my addiction. After my second stint in rehab where I was in an outpatient program that's supposed to last 10 weeks, and I was in it for 22 weeks, I went straight inpatient for 8 weeks in a psychiatric hospital to stabilize my mood and work out new medication. This was followed by 8 weeks of intensive outpatient psych treatment. When you have a concurrent disorder, it's absolutely imperative to treat both.

I'm not a poster child for recovery - my drug is alcohol - and I've had multiple relapses, but at least each relapse is getting shorter and my mood has been more stable than it's been in years.

I too go to AA and find it helpful. I've also found it helpful to take up new hobbies (knitting is a big one for me right now) to occupy time that I would otherwise been drinking and to distract me.

Only you can decide what treatment path to follow, but I'd strongly urge you to stay with your mother and work on building a new life that doesn't involve drugs. it will seem really strange at first, but it get's so much better.

Good luck.

splitimage

12Bars, can you get a prescription to help you temporarily with the anxiety?

I have dealt with the kind of crushing loneliness of which you speak for most of my adult life. In my teens and 20s my shyness compounded the problem. Even now that I have at least gained a bit of confidence in myself it is the loneliness that drives my cravings, when they come. At the end of my addiction, I was doing blow along with booze-evidence that my addiction-and loneliness-was intensifying.

Based on the info you gave us, I would advocate an outpatient program. The fact that you got yourself sober is very encouraging. In all likelihood you will relapse (God forbid) but that's quite common even among those who have gone through some sort of intensive inpatient treatment. At the very least, you will have other addicts to talk to about your common struggles...I found the group therapy at times quite helpful and at the very least, it got me into the AA halls. I concur with the others, AA/NA is a very good idea; it may help with that loneliness, which I believe to be at the heart of most addictions. And not to sound like a broken record, but you might Google baclofen, which has been used successfully in recent years to treat coke addictions and more recently, alcohol cravings.

Well, I put on my suit and went back to work in the city and had a terrible relapse using both heroin and amphetamines every day for two weeks. I think I was really manic when I decided I didn't need treatment and could go back to work with God's protection. I had a really bad amphetamine crash, pretty much a total breakdown - but from there I somehow found the strength to get myself on the plane. I have compulsions that I even took a fix to have in the toilets at the airport before I got on the plane...

what's with this 'one last time' compulsion I seem to be always battling? when I decide to quit I always think I have to have one last binge.

I'm back home now, not working, quit my job for good. I've been clean again for a weak. I reconnected with the A&D clinic. They have recommended I go into long term inpatient rehab. I'm willing to try this. It's a shame I have to wait a while for an assessment though and then probably wait again for space to become available.

The whole cycle of what happens has probably helped confirm for me that I need to investigate the rapid cycling BP dx further and maybe try medication again.

Feel like a bit of a failure but at least I still have my life. It was really touch and go there at some points while I was back in the city. I started convulsing after one speedball. My friend brought me round and watched over me for the night.

Wow. You sound exhausted. I've totally been there.
Consider telling your Mom. Would you want your 6 yr old to come to you?
Meds are a tricky thing. When I first started taking them, I would stop after awhile (I have BPII as well, among other things). I finally learned that I needed the meds to keep my mood more stable. It can make a difference to stay on them. It would be more beneficial for you and your daughter if you could get out of the constant depressed state a PBIIer lives in.
Have you considered making plans for your daughters care and just go to an ER? It takes a person with serious issues that can not be resolved to be 'locked up' long term. It sounds like you are very capable of communication, knowing your thoughts and being in touch with your feelings. In the hospital, you can rest a bit and get focused again. They will also help getting you back on the right meds for you. It is surprising how inspiring it can be to get around others who are having similar thoughts and feelings as well. It is sort of ironic, but stays in the hospital were very important for me. It may be a good choice for you.
Hang in there! There is light at the end of this tunnel.

12 bars, i believe you have the mental obsession and compulsion to use. that's what you are battling, imo. it is what some of us did best. the thought, then the action. always expecting different results. it was a vicious cycle for us. then, like me, throw in the bipolar...thus self medicating. it took what it took, spiraling down, out of control with my dx/bipolar and alcoholism and drug addiction before i succumbed to the fact i needed to treat all if wanted to live. by then i'd lost the desire to live. getting immediate treatment for both at the same time gave me better odds at getting well.
i committed myself and got the bipolar regulated. i attended AA mtgs. available at the same facility. then the most important choice i had to make...lose life as i wanted it or apply my efforts towards getting well with both dx'es, alcoholism and bipolar. upon release i regularly went to therapy, took my meds responsibly and used a 12 step program of recovery to "treat" my alcoholism. so it was a dual process/goal. i doubt i would have gotten well had i not done both simultaneously.
the decision needs to come from you. it's not easy to admit complete defeat. it's not easy to put down the drug. it's easier to run towards it. the end result is always the same-hopelessness, helplessness, loss of family, loss of job, etc. what a huge price we pay!!!
it's like the saying, "we stood at the turning point". now which path will you choose? that is when you can make the decision.
glad you posted. i wish you well. we're always here for you.