[psychmajortwenty2]

I gave in. I had pot. And it wasn't that great. But I think that's because I didn't get to enjoy it as much because I was worried about getting caught. Ugh. so annoying.

[avlady]

That's the parinoia part, i'll never do it again tried one time, no way ever ever again

[gma45]

Just thought I better check in, it has been awhile. I am doing all right. I am finding it a bit strange that I really have no desire to drink or drug. I am not trying to figure it out just going with it. Just wish I was doing more with my life but I suppose this is where I am suppose to be right now.

[jova]

I'm still laughing at myself, I find it so easy to think and say all the right things about quitting when I'm high, I think i have all the answers.....but when it comes to the next day. Yeah. Right. Morning comes fine, lunch-nah it will pass, afternoon, go for a walk, clean the house get more irritated, go for another walk, play soccer or paint with the kids. Feel guilty make cakes or biscuits for the kids..... DAMN IT, EFF IT got to get on...... go for a drive. Grrr

[shortandcute]

burned out on AA; cant get a good sponsor and most of the people dont understand mental illness; can't just "go to other meetings" because i dont drive. its hard to find a psych out here who takes medicaid and my physician wont prescribe my meds all of a sudden altho he knows i need them. im almost out of meds and still not sure what to do; i say forget it.

[gma45]

Just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in! Things are all right at the moment and some days it is all I can do, just live one moment at a time,

[psychmajortwenty2]

.......... *sigh*

I want to use. I'm having a really bad ADD day. I took a pill this morning.. but I don't think it worked. I don't want to do my work. I just don't. I want to go for a walk instead. And I think I might. Because.. walking is awesome. But I hid my weed out in the field. I'm going to want to smoke. AND I'M GOING TO. Because this is my life!

Right? right!

Except that could be like my weird way of denial.. or.. something. I don't think I'm smoking to cope. I think I'm smoking as a way of getting out of boredom. Even though I'm not bored. ***** it. I don't know what I am.

[roads]

I'm not you, psychmajortwenty2--but if I were doing & planning to do what you are, it would be not because I was bored. I would be back using, actively addicted again.
Maybe I would rationalize ... not sure about that. I drank for over a decade after losing those I thought I couldn't live without. After 20 yrs recovery I learned I could--and be happy.
I'm sorry you're going through what you are, but honesty will help.
Roadie

[roads]

I quit my job of thirteen years, partly because my arms and shoulders were damaged from all the years of handling heavy books in an environment designed for people nearly a foot taller than I am, and with correspondingly longer arms. I'd get therapy and repair rotator cuffs, etc, enough to go back to work--only to re-damage everything again.
Now I'm resting and rehabbing. But did you know there's a rebound effect? It's much like abusing the body with alcohol, then quitting ... initially things may get worse.
My muscles, tendons, yes--even my bones!--hurt more than ever. Nothing brings relief, not even the old standby of cold packs/hot packs.
That Brown Ale in the grocery aisle whispered my name yesterday. Every liquor store I pass invites me to hunt for a new or favorite single malt.
The addiction just rose out of its grave, as fully alive and strong and ready to take me down as it was when I laid it to rest. Great, just great. My bipolar monster will be so delighted to have company ... Monsters and wreckage. What a legacy.

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by Roadie

That Brown Ale in the grocery aisle whispered my name yesterday. Every liquor store I pass invites me to hunt for a new or favorite single malt.
The addiction just rose out of its grave, as fully alive and strong and ready to take me down as it was when I laid it to rest. Great, just great. My bipolar monster will be so delighted to have company ... Monsters and wreckage. What a legacy.

I'm so sorry about your physical ailments & the bottle beckoning you after all these years. I, too, had to "give away" a lot before I finally stopped...& I know "just one" isn't in my vocabulary. I know you know that too...not preaching...just sayin'. "Cunning, baffling, powerful..." Yep.

[TigerTHC]

IM CLEAN!! 13 days now...and i happy.

...keep on keeping on guys...its worth it

[gma45]

Just checking in been clean for over a year now. Some days I just think things are not getting any easier, then I have to remind myself of how really bad things were. I agree TigerTHC just keep on keeping on!

[roads]

Yes gma, length of sobriety is no guarantee of staying sober ever getting easier.

and yet--and yet ...

TigerTHC has absolutely nailed the essence:

...keep on keeping on guys...its worth it

I've got 2 decades sober ...

and now really aggressive arthritis comes and
attacks a mended broken arm and
the pain is like an abscess that fills my arm and shoulder and
I wonder what wonderful single malts have been born since
I quit drinking and
chose to live life sober and
to feel this pain ....

TigerTHC

keep on keeping on guys...

I hear you, TigerTHC, thank you!! You didn't know it--but I really needed your message, and I needed it right now!!

Welcome to PsychCentral, THANK YOU, and please take your own wise counsel.

Roadie

[gma45]

I like that too.....Keep on keepin on! It is worth it! Hey Roadie do you have pins or metal in that mended broken arm? Just wondering, sorry you are in so much pain. My day has been ok just really tired.

[roads]

Nope, no nothing in my arm ... old doc told me to tie it up for a bit, it would heal. Told me pain was like when a soldier loses a leg in battle and they have "phantom pain" ... Mean old woman-hating man needs to retire (grr!)
One bone man I saw for something else suggested a shoulder replacement. I'm glad it wasn't my leg I broke--at least I can still run like heck from these wild men.

[gma45]

Good Doctors are hard to find these days!

[TigerTHC]

Originally Posted by Roadie

Yes gma, length of sobriety is no guarantee of staying sober ever getting easier.

and yet--and yet ...

TigerTHC has absolutely nailed the essence:

I've got 2 decades sober ...

and now really aggressive arthritis comes and
attacks a mended broken arm and
the pain is like an abscess that fills my arm and shoulder and
I wonder what wonderful single malts have been born since
I quit drinking and
chose to live life sober and
to feel this pain ....

TigerTHC
I hear you, TigerTHC, thank you!! You didn't know it--but I really needed your message, and I needed it right now!!

Welcome to PsychCentral, THANK YOU, and please take your own wise counsel.

Roadie

Thanks for this Roadie....
Yeah every day is just a new opportunity to try again....im really happy to be clean, i think im addicted to it

[NextToNormal]

Still drinking every night. Sometimes during the day. I thought we didn't have any last night and told mom I was going to the store when she pulled me into the garage and handed me a new bottle. Keep trying to tell myself that I don't need this, but somehow find myself needing to buy more whenever we're out... Mom is the same. I think I drink a lot more than she does though.

[roads]

NTN, does everyone in your family drink? I'm wondering why the alcohol "stash" is kept in the garage ... hiding it? or just not enough room inside?

Keep trying to tell myself that I don't need this, but somehow find myself needing to buy more whenever we're out... Mom is the same. I think I drink a lot more than she does though.

By your age I was a seasoned alcoholic. Addiction runs in both sides of my family. It was a family secret, though--although many no doubt sincerely believed they drank more or less normally.

I'm not saying you and your mom are alcoholics, but it sounds as if you may both have real, medical drinking problems. Your mom wasn't being protective when she produced that bottle--she was enabling you. Probably you are helping each other continue drinking, lessening any negative consequences as much as possible (e.g., making excuses for absences).

You sound concerned about your drinking--any reason to think your mom is, too? Have you ever talked about it?

I don't think this is something you can handle alone. If you have a primary care doctor you're comfortable with, you might start there. Self-help groups such as AA abound, but be careful ... avoid groups "owned" by a small, tight group or a single, charismatic leader. PsychCentral has a lot of information and resources available.

I had respiratory problems as a baby & got the old country remedy of 1/4 baby aspirin dissolved in 1/2 tsp of Good Kentucky Bourbon. I was included every holiday in a drink for toasting. When menstrual cramps hit, I was dosed with special, homemade wine (20% at least!)

By the time I was your age, I could hold my liquor--I had the genes and the breeding. When I was 35, I finally signed myself into alcohol rehab for 6 wks. It was a daily battle, but when I was 47 I had a drink and felt like my innards were on fire and burning their way out. When I didn't die, I decided to live sober. That was 20 yrs ago last March. I still wage some daily campaigns, but it's all worth the fight.

A long story ...
And I hope you have a long story, a long and contented life, a long and loving relationship with your mom. Please, NTN, find help your can stay with.

Roadie

[psychmajortwenty2]

I'm thinking about quitting today. well.. after one last smoke tonight.

I guess that's how addicts talk sometimes though... "just one last one..." *sigh*

But I really feel like tonight is different!

[roads]

Seems like a night to make different by quitting the smoke, since it's occurring to you, psychmajortwenty2. The "last one" has a nice ring to it.

Seriously, get clean is a huge deal. Is this a first attempt? I had to quit drinking twice, but smoking only once. It was so hard I knew I didn't have a second time in me. I never knew I was having a "last one," though--my decisions came between using.

Get support, let us know how you're doing, if you go through with it ...
and have a heck of a Hallowe'en!

Roadie

[arachnophobia.kid]

I'm going to start marking down the days I do and don't drink on a calender. I think it'll at least help me to stop lying to myself about how "little" I drink and hopefully it'll be a motivation to make the calender have less and less markings over time.

[spondiferous]

I really wanted to drink yesterday. I get so tired of this constant panic, the obsession and compulsion, not being able to live a 'normal' life. I want to be able to do things without wondering at what point I'll have to drop out due to overwhelm. I want to be able to plan a future for myself. I want to be able to travel (and I'm not even talking about cross-country or overseas, but even cross-city). I want to be able to think about things without them crumbling away in my mind. And so yeah. Drinking seemed like a really good idea to me. Even though I've been sober since 2006 and I know exactly what kind of life is waiting for me if I start again. I didn't do it. The urge is gone. Sometimes I guess I just realize how easy it would be to make one little decision and throw away years of hard work.

[roads]

It's not only the years of work (and accomplishment) you'd throw away--the greater risk is whether you'd be able to pick up your recovery anywhere nearwhere you'd left off.
We tend, instead, to resume the addiction, not thr recovery. You're have to repeat all the physical and mental agonies of withdrawing, being "dry" and starting sobriety from scratch. Physically, some die from that attempt. Others prefer suicide.
I dont think I could quit twice. I know I had only ONE "stop smoking!" in me. So I'm clean, and alive. A good choice, so far.

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by Roadie

It's not only the years of work (and accomplishment) you'd throw away--the greater risk is whether you'd be able to pick up your recovery anywhere nearwhere you'd left off.
We tend, instead, to resume the addiction, not thr recovery. You're have to repeat all the physical and mental agonies of withdrawing, being "dry" and starting sobriety from scratch. Physically, some die from that attempt. Others prefer suicide.
I dont think I could quit twice. I know I had only ONE "stop smoking!" in me. So I'm clean, and alive. A good choice, so far.

I appreciate your perspective, Roadie. Thinking of how things would move forward if one succumbed to past addicting can be literally sobering. Like, who wants to go thru this crap again?? Tho some folks have no choice but to get back up, and get on the wagon. Blessings to spondiferous and all working thru this