[emgreen]

Originally Posted by regretful

I still haven't gotten up the courage to make a call to AA yet. So I'm doing about as well as I did yesterday, which is depressed and anxious...and a bit of anger, too, at myself for not knowing better...

I'm sorry you're feeling depressed, anxious & angry...But I also sense you're feeling sober. For me, alcohol & drugs were only a temporary solution to my problems; when I sobered up the feelings were still there -- only worse. Congrats on trying to summon the courage to call AA. You'll find a lot of good, happy & sober people around the tables. Until you get the courage to call you might check out this website. In addition to providing hope & information, you can also get access to info about meetings in your area:

Online Intergroup : Alcoholics Anonymous

I'm really rooting for you. Going almost 2 months clean & sober IS a big deal! Keep checking in so we know how you're doing.

[regretful]

Thanks emgreen. It is likely the feelings of sobriety that are really starting to sink in. I've not committed to AA yet, but thanks for the link.

[arachnophobia.kid]

My depression has hit a real low point and I gave in and had some drinks last night for the first time in a while. The irony is that this depression (at least right now) is stemming from thinking of the past and mourning over the things I have lost because of alcohol and drugs. So I go back to alcohol - with a sure sign that it's just going to destroy more things no doubt if I can't control it again.

My best friend is really worried about me and she is being very supportive, but I'm afraid I'm losing her too in a big way. No one can put up with this part of me and they shouldn't have to but I also really need some help these days and I've got no one to go to. She thinks I should see a therapist or go to AA or some kind of support group, just do something, so I will, but I have my doubts about finding anything helpful at all. I think most likely I will have to wait this out as per usual and try my best not to hurt myself or anyone else in the process.

[roads]

I'm worried too. Giving in seems to be going around around now. I'm strongly drawn to smoking again but am not doing it. Is there anything I can do to help YOU? I'm 12-stepping at AA, but that seems puny.
Hang on. Take deep breaths. Survive.
roads

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by arachnophobia.kid

I wondered people's thoughts on occasional drinks.

Over the holidays I allowed myself to celebrate with the family and have a normal person amount of alcohol while I was with them. I don't think there is any problem with that for me. My question is do you think it's all right to do that by yourself? Or is it just better not to risk bringing back the habit? I think I should probably not do that myself but it's probably always going to be something that is appealing to me for better or for worse. Do you think it'd be possible to keep it under control, drinking alone occasionally?

I'm still happily sober by the way, if you don't count those few drinks for family celebrations sake.

This is a post you wrote a while back. Do you think the fact you tried to drink "normally" over the holidays might have triggered you? I know I can't drink even one or I'll eventually wind up deep in the bottle again.

[arachnophobia.kid]

Thank you both for your concern.

Roads, I'm glad you're not smoking, you are a much stronger man than I. I'm not sure what I can ask of you other than to do what you've already been doing. You're a big part of this community and in particular this thread. You're also a hero when it come to this subject matter. You've been a big help already, thanks for your kind words and your encouragement. Also the fact that you've been able to keep sober for so long is a big inspiration. I can't really ask of anything more but instead just say a big THANK YOU!

Emgreen, thanks for bringing that up. I don't think that occasion has much to do with what is happening right now because I don't even think about it anymore. From that post and from hearing your replies I had decided I was just going to continue along with not drinking at all when I was alone and I didn't make any decision as to what I would do the next time an occasion like that were to come up. If anything I think it's probably had a minimal effect. I think this more has to do with just having deep roots in self destruction and also the current depressed state that I am in. It's really great of you to be keeping tabs on me. You're going above and beyond to help a stranger and I really appreciate that.

That other night I bought 6 tall cans of beer, I still have 3 in my fridge... today is my birthday... and most likely I will be alone and depressed when I get home from work tonight. I know I have it in me to resist drinking again tonight, I'm determined not to. I just wish I didn't have those beers in my fridge - I don't think I have it in me to just pour them out.

[emgreen]

Happy birthday, arachnophobia.kid!

[notz]

Give the beers to a neighbor. You didn't like them anyway!

Happy Birthday!!

[gma45]

Happy Birthday Kid, hope you made it through alright. I just thought I better stop by and say hi. I think about everyone here all the time, that's what helps me through the day. No drinking or drugging for this kid. Finally got ins. just kinda scared to go see a dr. just don't trust em or myself. Don't know where to start. I will think about it some and find an answer. Life is ok.

[roads]

Originally Posted by arachnophobia.kid

Thank you both for your concern.

Roads, I'm glad you're not smoking, you are a much stronger man than I. I'm not sure what I can ask of you other than to do what you've already been doing. You're a big part of this community and in particular this thread. You're also a hero when it come to this subject matter. You've been a big help already, thanks for your kind words and your encouragement. Also the fact that you've been able to keep sober for so long is a big inspiration. I can't really ask of anything more but instead just say a big THANK YOU!

Not so strong. I am fixated on the smokes, I think because I always found them such a relief from panic attacks--and I'm having many of those. In memory, cigarettes were the next best to scotch.

Since I can't handle pain killers, I'm trying to make do with OTC, hot/cold packs, massage, acupuncture, and chiropractic. The thing is, it's all getting worse. The major pain is from arthritic, degenerative disk disease. Docs don't have any plans that don't include a high risk of paralysis and cost more than Im willing to risk for more of what they've done that haven't worked.

Any one been through this sort of thing? I'm afraid I'll bee smoking then drinking, and if those don't help why would they now?

Advise sought, private message please.
Roads

[emgreen]

Depression's been kicking my butt lately & I've been isolating a lot; I just don't feel like being around other people. In addition to curbing my urge to stop drinking, AA provides a place where I can get out of my own head & stop dwelling so much on my own demons when I feel this way. When I first started this spiral I was doubling up on meetings to fight it. Now, however, I've stopped attending meetings altogether. While I don't think this will lead me to drink, I know that isolation fuels my depression...But I still can't seem to get out of the house. I know my solution lays within this post, but I don't have the energy or will to get out & get out of my own head.

[arachnophobia.kid]

Originally Posted by emgreen

Depression's been kicking my butt lately & I've been isolating a lot; I just don't feel like being around other people. In addition to curbing my urge to stop drinking, AA provides a place where I can get out of my own head & stop dwelling so much on my own demons when I feel this way. When I first started this spiral I was doubling up on meetings to fight it. Now, however, I've stopped attending meetings altogether. While I don't think this will lead me to drink, I know that isolation fuels my depression...But I still can't seem to get out of the house. I know my solution lays within this post, but I don't have the energy or will to get out & get out of my own head.

I know how you're feeling, I'm feeling it now.

I'm going to talk about myself in response to you, I usually try not to do that because maybe it's selfish or I don't know... I'm sorry for that, I just want to relate, and I hope it is helpful for you to know that I can relate.

I opened up to someone very close to me this past weekend about my depression and I ended up hurting her very badly. Later my mother called me, and I opened up to her as well, but she just gave me a lecture. I know her heart was in the right place but that really hurt me. But ultimately I know that she is right when she tells me that this is my fault.

That is why I find no motivation to get out and find help. I feel like there's no hope and that I am just a burden. But I so desperately need help.

Despite that I really want to encourage you to get out there no matter how hard or painful it is. I am actually going to be going to my first AA meeting ever this week and I'm also getting an assessment of my behavior done with my local mental health services pretty soon. I am scared that these things are going to backfire just the same as all my other attempts to get help, but I feel I have to try, what have I got to lose? And same for you, ask yourself, what have you got to lose?

[emgreen]

Thanks for the encouragement. I hope your assessment goes well & that you feel comfortable at an AA meeting. You have to go to more than one to feel comfortable sometimes. Thanks again for sharing...

[roads]

Good point, emgreen, you do have to go to more than one or two mtg. For me, too, it was important to find the right group for me. If you go to a group it may be the group that doesn't fit, not AA per se.
And I wish good sponsors were easier to find...

[arachnophobia.kid]

I went to my first AA meeting last night. You guys were right, it was pretty uncomfortable. I also didn't do a whole lot of research going into it, all I did was read a little about open and closed meetings, I figured I fit into the closed type so I found one and went. That was it. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't realize that I'd be sitting there and that I was supposed to share my bit, I sort of I had this idea of more of a back and forth conversation with people. I'm very introverted and I don't like public speaking at all so that was really hard for me but I did feel at peace once I had said my bit and was just able to listen to others. It was nice to have other people around that I could relate to and it was nice to hear other people's success stories and perspectives. I think I ought to search out more open meetings though, maybe start with that, and hopefully keep up the courage to go to a closed one every once a in while too.

[roads]

Congrats, arachnophobia.kid. To speak at your first mtg is very brave. Closed meetings are for AA members only, open meetings are for anyone wanting to attend. It's good to try different groups--one may be more comfortable than another.
Best wishes on your path.
Roads

[arachnophobia.kid]

Originally Posted by roads

Congrats, arachnophobia.kid. To speak at your first mtg is very brave. Closed meetings are for AA members only, open meetings are for anyone wanting to attend. It's good to try different groups--one may be more comfortable than another.
Best wishes on your path.
Roads

Thanks Roads, I actually didn't say very much because I was so uncomfortable but I felt the love and the welcome.

Did I break the rules then? I was under the understanding that a closed meeting is for alcoholics only, and open meetings are for anyone. I figured since I'm an alcoholic then it was all good.

[roads]

Yes, you got it right.

[emgreen]

It's great that you summoned the courage to go to the meeting & speak your peace & I'm glad you felt better doing so. For the record, if there's ever a time when you don't feel like sharing on a specific topic it's OK to say, "I'm ____ & I'm an alcoholic. I'd like to continue listening." It's done in meetings all the time.

[arachnophobia.kid]

Thanks for the tip Emgreen, I'll keep that in mind.

[emgreen]

Hi, arachnophobia. I was just wonder how you were doing & also wondering if you've been to other meetings. Sometimes it takes time to find meetings that suit you. Anyways...Just thinking of you.

[arachnophobia.kid]

Originally Posted by emgreen

Hi, arachnophobia. I was just wonder how you were doing & also wondering if you've been to other meetings. Sometimes it takes time to find meetings that suit you. Anyways...Just thinking of you.

Thanks for checking up on me. I haven't been to any more meeting yet but I plan to go to more. I was actually going to go to one tonight but something else came up so I probably won't be able to. And I may go to one tomorrow, I will keep you updated.

Things are starting to look up a bit for me, at least for now, and drinking has not even been appealing.

[emgreen]

Damn! This depression is really keeping me from going to meetings; in fact, it's keeping me from leaving the house. I know isolating makes things worse & that going to meetings gets me out of my own head, but dealing with other people requires more energy than I have these days. I should just get my butt out the door & go to a meeting, but the thought is kind of overwhelming. I don't have the urge to drink, but this isolation is making my depression worse. I consider myself a grateful recovering alcoholic because I have cheap group therapy at my disposal, but I can't get out of this rut.

[Smellyfinger]

Well today has been alright so far. I mean the last week has been really depressing for me. But things are starting to look up I guess.

I just hope things keep going this way

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk 2

[avlady]

That's great you really went to the AA meeting, i don't know you but am proud of you!! I also hate it when my mom lectures me, not about drinking or drugs which i absoutely kicked the habit year ago,except for the doc's meds. But i don't like to be tld things i don't want to hear or just get bored with the conversation. I get to the point where i just agree with her through the whole conversation and don't hear a word she says!!Please don't drink if you already havn't, you'll thank me in the morning!!!!