[Switch]

So I never considered myself an addict of anything, except maybe cigarettes and even that is less than the required amount for NRT to help. But last time my depression and anxiety became out of control it became apparent that I have a habit of taking pills. Really whatever is around, which usually is my boyfriends sleeping pills and pain medication, though for a bit oxycodone was part of that, as well as T3s without caffeine and valium. Oh, and a lot of smoking of pot.

So whatever's available, because I don't have a flipping clue how to find a dealer.

This time it's mostly T3's, and the urge to go out and search for anything stronger. I don't like drinking, and actually I don't like not being sober, but I keep doing all of this stuff and wanting to just lose myself, sometimes secretly hoping to OD.

The one thing that's helping this time is that I feel really responsible to stay sober for a friend of mine who I see every day. He's the one that knows first when I'm not doing well, and he's the one that stays up and watches me if I take too much and I want to be better for him. I'm even giving up cigarettes for him! But I'm seriously struggling so now I don't really know what to do.

Also to put a bit of context into this, me and my bf are having a lot of issues that are really triggering, and we live together so I really get away unless I go to a shelter for a few days.

[gayleggg]

You need to find a therapist. You need to get help. Taking someone else's medication is dangerous. You say you take, you don't say if it is with his permission. If it is without his permission then you are stealing from him. I take offense at someone stealing another's meds as my husband stole some of my pain medication and made me run out early. It is terrible knowing I can't trust him and have to hide all my medications. I resent it big time. I hope this is not the case and he is willingly giving the to you, however, is still dangerous.

I'm glad you have someone to help you stay sober and stand by you. But I do still believe you need a therapist that is trained to help you.

I can understand that with having a lot of problems with your bf can be triggering. And you do need to leave if it is triggering suicidal thoughts, even if you have to go to the shelter.

I hope you find the help you need.

[Switch]

I have been taking it without permission, though im not worried about him running out because he has it all as PRN's and can refill whenever he wants. The only one I cant is his Adderall and I don't take that. but I still feel like **** about it. and ive told him after, asked him to move the stockpile of it to his moms and only keep a weeks worth at a time. he hasn't, but ive been trying to stop at the same time. the lack of co-operation is making it worse.

I'm also working with my T and my case manager.

Thanks for the support.

[Jolisse]

I understand why you take pills. When I'm having a bad day, I'll take anything to make me feel better. I keep a stash of pain meds in the house, for this very reason.

[IndieVisible]

Aside from the pot I can related. I never liked pot because it makes me way too paranoid, I'm talking schizo paranoid, not are they looking at me? More like I know they are plotting to kill me! So that's one drug I can never take

But all the others you named I can relate to. Here's where it turned around for me. I realized I was doing all those meds to feel better, yet I wasn't. At some point I relaized that what I really want is to feel normal, so for me it's essential for me to be totally 100% in control and fully functional. Which is why I refuse to take even SSRIs because they make me feel like crap. About the only meds I take now is Wellbutrin and Xanax (low doses) as needed. I can trust myself because i found what my sweet spot is, and that is feeling normal. No anxiety, no depression, just normal. I like that and I am addicted to that feeling. I wish I got it more often. But over medication is not the way.

[waggiedog]

Hi there. Just wanna say, no opnion, no judging and no frowning upon ~ why? Because I do exactly the same, anything I can get my grubby little hands on. OK it's only luck it's not other peoples yet and by chance it's not pot, but only 'cos I don't smoke. I have to buy my fixes over the counter, but I'm ''known'' around where I live and my ''fixes'' are strong painkillers. When I have them I feel that I'm actually ''nice and normal'' to be around, without them I'm not, have to hide away until such time as I can get some more. I have therapy but as they tell me my disorder will never be 'cured' or even helped a great deal, therapy is not helpful. I just have to be seen to be doing for the moment. Just wanted to tell you you are not alone, you are not 'bad', but you could do with a helping hand really. There's nothing to loose by finding a professional who could help. I don't think you'd have posted if you didn't want help. I wish you well and hope you can reach out. HUGS. XXXX

[IndieVisible]

Pain killers are indeed enticing! Opiates any opiate is really nice. My favorite was oxycons. Now they are addicting! I would be most likely to abuse opiates. Stimulants make me feel normal, and pot I get really paranoid. I do drink vodka or whiskey. SO I was not judging either. For me the only pill that is tempting for abuse are opiates.

[wisedude]

Your behaviour sounds reckless and dangerous, your basically saying "I will take pretty much any pills, don't care what they are".

Taking opiates and benzodiazepines (especially together) is EXTREMELY dangerous, especially if you don't know lots of information about them and what appropriate doses are. I have personally know various people to DIE from mucking around with such combinations.

Get HELP, please.

[Switch]

IndieVisable. Opiates I think are where this started, and might be why it's getting so out of hand. I've had oxi's before completely by chance, and they are something I think about almost every time I end up taking something.

At some point I realized that what I really want is to feel normal, so for me it's essential for me to be totally 100% in control and fully functional.

I can relate to this. Actually this is how I feel all the time. I like the taste of booze but I hate being drunk. I don't even like smoking pot because I get paranoid or depressed (about half my sui attempts) or just pass out and lose the ability to walk really fast. And most days, this completely works.

Two things. One, I've asked my boyfriends to move back in with his mom, and this has been helping a lot. for one, he took his meds. For two, I don't feel like my life's a battleground. The bad thing is that they only way I could successfully talk to him was while super high on painkillers, and it went so well he hugged me and thanked me for being so clear and understanding and said "why cant we always be like this." *facepalm* so yay negative reinforcement. I'm trying not to believe I need to be high for a serious conversation to be successful, but I'm starting to. Even my friend who's been keeping me grounded and motivating me to stop said he was proud of me despite my methods of talking to my boyfriend.

Thank you everyone who didn't judge me. That really helps because

[IndieVisible]

I forgot where we are in this thread so forgive me if I make no sense. I believe ANYTHING that gives you euphoria can be addicting and very hard to stop. For some people it's over eating, for some it's opiates, for some its whatever. If it gives you euphoria your gonna want more! The worst imho is methamphetamine and crack cocaine. They both release the most dopamine in your brain and create the highest euphoria. Next would be opiates.

Here's the real problem with such drugs and addictions and why they are so devastating and ruin so many lives. Your body will quickly develop a tolerance to the dose that got you euphoria so next time you will need more, and more and more and more. And that's what makes it so bad for any addiction that involves the release of dopamine, including binge eating. Without euphoria it's just a mental addiction or habit more then any thing.

You gotta know your limits and stay clear of stuff you know you will not be able to control or stop. For me it's opiates.

[Jolisse]

Originally Posted by wisedude

Your behaviour sounds reckless and dangerous, your basically saying "I will take pretty much any pills, don't care what they are".

Taking opiates and benzodiazepines (especially together) is EXTREMELY dangerous, especially if you don't know lots of information about them and what appropriate doses are. I have personally know various people to DIE from mucking around with such combinations.

Get HELP, please.

I happen to know what the appropriate dosages are. If I find relief in taking a pain med, who are you to judge?

[IndieVisible]

Actually benzos are pretty darn safe. You would need to take an awful lot of them and then you would just get real sick and or pass out, death is very rare with benzos. People have to remember that benzos were introduced in the 60's to the public to replace the much more dangerous barbiturates! Which could easily lead to death with over dose. Opiates now they are a different story. But benzos are pretty safe, addicting sure, but pretty safe.

[Switch]

So update. I have been putting a lot of effort into stopping on my own. Basicly I have someone in my life and I want to be good for him and I know if I can't cope safely I'm not. So I'm trying to stop before super messing this up and landing myself in hospital again.

In this process I missed a week of class but I made it to my Friday night class. At break I cracked, had a cigarette (3 days without), and my mood just nose dived from there. I ended the night with this friend who I want to not be dissapointed in me helping me get to bed and nursing me after throwing up T3s and lots of alcohol. He didn't see that I started cutting again (hadn't cut in months).

Basicly I feel super guilty about it all and don't want to **** up again bit I think I'm going to because I can't stop feeling guilty! Ideas for destractions or how to evade this path? I'm going to assess with my case manager if I need to go to hospital because last night got really bad. I don't want to and I think if I can get a grasp on this I won't have to.

Also side note: benzos can trigger psychosis. My good friend died by suicide caused by psychosis caused by benzos. That being said this is a really rare side effect. Other than that though they are really not that strong. Or at least not the ones I'm on.

[avlady]

I am on hydrocodone/acetominephin plus sevaral differnt pshyc meds, i am most likely addicted, but havn't had a drink of alcohol in over 15 years.I guess i substituted the meds instead of alcohol, but the meds are important for my health an pshyc problems. I have degenerative disc desease from several accidents, and i need the hydrocodone for extreme pain i'm in if i don't take them, i know they are addictive but i was a vegetable until i got the docs to precribe them-i hate to say it but i need them to function at least a little bit. I feel like i have to apologise for being on them, but i really can't because they did almost save my life, i'm on a small dosage, of which i know i i'll need upped at some time.

[Switch]

Don't apologize. There's a big difference in taking meds because you need them and abusing them. I know my boyfriend takes T3s and even if he takes 3 for pain he doesn't get high where as I do with less because I'm not taking them for pain. Don't feel guilty.