[AngstyLady]

WARNING: this is a long *** post)

NOTE: (I just got off the phone with work about an hour ago- I started rewriting it on a word doc about half hour ago after I accidentally clicked back on the posting page on PC after I was almost done typing the first time. I’m feeling a bit better, but still basically ‘high’)

Okay, so I somehow forgot that I picked up a shift today, leaving me no real break this week besides this past Thursday- I’ve been switching shifts a lot with people lately at work but had always left reminders on my calendar’s phone ~ but I somehow forgot to do it for today!
Yesterday at work another coworker even asked if I was working today and I said no.
So I called back one of my immediate managers 40 minutes after I was supposed to be there (I had taken a quick shower and gotten dressed and dried my hair first) to say that I completely forgot but could come in – I told her how I thought I took next Monday and was thinking this was my only day off this week. She said it was fine and no worries and just be sure to check next time. She’s a bit younger than me and is pretty chill and fun to work with (whom I know is one of the many coworkers that smoke weed)and so I think she sorta could tell I was inebriated at the very least and took pity on me.
I wish though at least I could say I forgot about my shift because I got high!
But no! I completely forgot about it on my own! I swear I must be an idiot savant!
I haven’t smoked weed in two years, except for like this one time 5 months back with some friends.
I’ve been in a general slump in terms of mood for several weeks now.
I’ve also been trying to get in shape- I figure at least being in shape is one thing I can be proud of and happy about in my life.
So I got up super early and walked down to the bridge and across and back.
When I got to the bridge, for some reason, I started feeling especially down.
As I crossed it I had thoughts of what it would be like to throw myself over, would I die if I landed in the water.
As I got halfway across I started thinking about one of my exes that had contacted me recently (last week sometime) and how I felt like a piece of **** for hurting him.
I was young, we had such a great connection, like soul mates but I chose to end things because he literally had like a micro penis and I was worried that I might one day cheat on him- but I wasn’t mature enough to think to talk to him about it because I thought that would make things worse so I basically said I loved him more as a friend and broke his and my own heart.
So anyway, as I got to the end of the bridge I thought about climbing over the middle bar into traffic. I knew this was not a good thought pattern.
I stopped for water and felt compelled to send an email to said ex about how I felt terrible for the way things ended, and how he was one of my biggest regrets and I would still like to be there as a friend for him if he likes. (not verbatim, but yeah).
So then I feel better for sending it and proceed to cry most of the way back across the bridge, thinking about how much of an asshole I was and about some other exes I had broken up with.
Then I get home and decide not to cancel that blood donating appointment despite the heat.
I go there and I can’t donate because the idiot who schedule me forgot to check to see if it had been too soon since my last visit.
So they tell me I have a little over another month until I can donate and I think ‘**** it, I might as well smoke weed.”
I had been contemplating going back on meds or getting a medical marijuana card- and I was already close to a weed friendly neighborhood in my city so .. . ..
I debated, checked out a place looking for synthetic, then figured I’d call my old hookup.
Then remembered how he overprices his **** I guess for the convenience of the service he provides (He’ll drive out to you).
And almost leave but then decide to take out money and try to buy weed off the streets.
I walked out of a grocery store and before I rounded the corner I had picked up a fat 1/ for only $40.
I laughed to myself how easy it was.
I decide to maybe smoke a bit when I get home – and when I get there I also decide to lay in the sun- something I haven’t done in ages.
So I go ahead and smoke a wee amount (we’re talking between 1/50 to 1.100th of what I used to smoke daily).
My phone rang like ten minutes later- I think I’m fine.
It’s my mom. I can’t get off the phone as quick as expected. I realize she’s about to figure out that I’m STONED (I am not fine). I hang up and then email her saying how I splashed my phone ( I also had said I was doing dishes instead of laying on the roof)
I then turn off my phone.
I turn my phone back on like 40 minutes later and tell her how I’m laying in the sun for a bit, my hone was just drying out and put my phone to silent.
I then check my phone a bit later- I have missed calls from her, and also my work!
**** ME! So after I took the quick shower and dried my hair, I quickly drank the fresh coffee I brewed while I was in the shower and called them back . . .
It worked out because I then texted my mom saying how I forgot I was scheduled at work and quickly raced there, so I don’t have to call her back.
But yeah, so I’m high as hell and by myself, basically my plan to begin with, but the cost though . . .
And now I feel like a total idiot and a bad person all around . . .
So now I’m going to have to drink (alcohol) to cover the fact that I’m high for when my bf comes home- and say I got drunk because I felt like an idiot for missing my shift at work . . .and then that will be a fun discussion as well. I have to tell him, because he’s going to probably find out anyway because we work at the same restaurant, plus I want to be honest with him)
I’m going to hide what I have and maybe smoke it on nights I’m alone (which is rare anyways) because I don’t want to waste it- or maybe I’ll sell it, (I was contemplating talking to my bf about how I was contemplating getting a medical marijuana card, but at this point, IDK )
And now I remember this is what addiction can do to you- it’ll change you.
Lies all around!
I feel like a piece of ****.
If weed was legal and I didn’t forget to remind myself of important events that I had to be at such as WORK, things would be much better. . . .
I was feeling so fine and relaxed before that first phone call from my mom- I was remembering how chill I can be when I smoke weed, I didn’t have a care in the world . . .

[AngstyLady]

I was just thinking that perhaps my manager and my mom didn't realize I was stoned- maybe my voice was fine-
the following is a post I just did about anxiety:

'Well, that's actually comforting to know.
I remember a while back I mentioned that to a friend- basically saying I feel awkward saying goodbye and said sorry if I sounded weird when I got off the phone with her.
She said she hadn't noticed and I felt stupid for saying anything. That's when I realized that it was all in my head, ah the power of anxiety! '

On top of that, the bridge I was on is notorious for suicides; I have been feeling especially sensitive, and I hear people can be susceptible to the spirits of the dead, people who are sensitive can take on the feelings of the dead souls, whether they're depressed, angry, etc.
I don't know, just a thought- trying to wrap my head around my whole day- feeling like perhaps it was a mistake to send out that early morning email to my ex as well . . ..

Though I am still upset, nothing like being angry at ones self, . . .

[Cynical4096]

Hi.

Just wondering if you have any sort of diagnosis that you are willing to discuss on here?

Marijuana is addictive for some people, but the larger majority don't have much of a problem with it.

Can I ask do you often do spur of the moment, impulsive things? You come across as sort of a "spur of the moment" sort of person

I don't know your age though. It sounds like you could do with some more support.

I'd like to offer advice, but don't know enough about your situation

Oh and your NOT horrible or stupid, not from what you have said anyway.

[AngstyLady]

[quote=Cynical4096;4570386]Hi.

No, I'm not impulsive by nature- I'm more compulsive. I will think about things and after a long time I'll have to do it- same with if I have a plan in mind I get cranky if things change. Change can be hard for me if I already have things planned out.
But yeah, my bf wasn't told about things, as he was this one time before I was supposed to come into work earlier than I thought- so on the plus side- this isn't regular occurrence for me- though I didn't tell my bf anything- I had some dinner and a shot of vodka and by the time he came home two hours later I was feeling much better.
I do think that perhaps my manager did know I was high or something- she sorta did this loud surprised laugh and then got back to being professional- like she was covering me- hopefully she didn't say anything to the higher ups.
And my ex got back to me in an email-
long story short- he had been in a controlling relationship for 4 years (basically) and almost married the girl and (thankfully) didn't and wanted to reach out to friends he hadn't talked to in years. So I guess it's a good thing ..
I don't like keeping secrets from my bf though- he wouldn't be happy if he finds out I am keeping things from him . .. I was going to tell him but he had had such a crappy day yesterday, I figured telling him everything on top of that would just upset him more . ..

[AngstyLady]

Yeah so I know I'm not an idiot I just made an honest mistake, were all fallible, I was just feeling especially vulnerable yesterday- oh and to be clear, the ilinly thing my bf doesn't know is my buying and smoking weeds and forgetting I picked up a shift and was late and all that mess. I told him when my ex contacted me abd I told him about how I was feeling especially down yesterday morning when I was walking across the bridge and how I emailed my ex again and I filled him in on my emcees life update. I'm really debating what to do about the we'd though, keep it or sell it- and whether or not I shod tell my bf- He likes that I don't do it, he knows about my past drug use and I don't think he would be too keen on me using again- MAYBE he'd understand if it was sparingly- I do still want to be able to donate blood and all- I talked to him about possibly going back on meds- he reminded me about vitamin b and c- I haven't actually taken them in a while so I said I'd take them again first before deciding to go on meds again . . .

[LifeGetsBetter]

AngstyLady,
From your writing, it sounds like you have a dependency on weed and are using it to self-medicate. How long can you go without weed? You also mentioned alcohol. So, I am wondering if you combine the two? Hey, I'm a recovering alcoholic with an addictive personality. I can get addicted to anything that makes me feel better and moderation is not a word I know the meaning of. Help is available, we just gotta want it.

[AngstyLady]

Originally Posted by LifeGetsBetter

AngstyLady,
From your writing, it sounds like you have a dependency on weed and are using it to self-medicate. How long can you go without weed? You also mentioned alcohol. So, I am wondering if you combine the two? Hey, I'm a recovering alcoholic with an addictive personality. I can get addicted to anything that makes me feel better and moderation is not a word I know the meaning of. Help is available, we just gotta want it.

Yeah, I meant to edit this the other day- I smoked weed with friends closer to 9 months ago and at the time it had been two years since I quit, now it's actually basically been three years