Daily addiction check in #1

Awesome!

I know you found yourself in a rough situation recently (your housemate using), but you made it to your 2 & 2 anniversary! Congrats!

Congrats on the week, Desoxyn! I know it's been a rough road for you!

Went to my second Recovery International meeting tonight. I prepped for it by filling out a worksheet with an example of something that happened recently that I want to apply RI principles and methods to. I jumped in with both feet; I chose crashing into depression and resisting being triggered into numbing myself to it. I do see how their methods make it easier. Short trite expressions can have some power if you remember to trot them out in your head at the right time. For example, "Be self led, not symptom led" - don't let the depression make the decision. "Feelings are not facts" - the stuff that goes through my head when depressed is often based on negative feelings and not accurate. I think it helps to have simple phrases to remind me of these things.

I saw my addictions counsellor today and announced it was my anniversary day so she said it was my birthday so walked past this office and basically everyone wished me happy birthday and then the receptionist asked if I was going to chuckie cheese!

☺☺☺

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Congratulations Greentires4me - 2 years, 2 months is awesome.

Well I survived yesterday without drinking. But was fighting the urge to order a bottle all day. Was sick most of the day, but finally managed solid food around dinner time.

Going to a group at my rehab today which will be good.

splitimage

Congrats Greentires4me.

Enjoy...

Didn't make it to the group at rehab today. Was crying too hard. I've been bawling my head off all day - only mananged to stop barely to go out to the pharmacy to pick up my meds.

Called my addictions Dr. today and asked if I could redo the IOP program - I feel like I need some structured, stable support to build up some sober time again. I see her next on Mon.

Also called my compounding pharmacy, found out I had an order on file for Antabuse, and so ordered it. Will hopefully have it by the weekend.

I'm just so sad.

splitimage

I'm sorry you're feeling so down, splitimage. I hate when I get into those crying spells. It sounds, however, like you're making plans to get out & "grab the bull by the horns." I hope you feel better soon...alcohol is a depressant, so don't push the panic button yet that this feeling will continue. Just remember how good sobriety can feel...You've been there!

splits,
I don't bawl, just the glistening eyes with one rolling down my cheek every now and then and even that makes me uncomfortable in social/group situations. So I feel for you also.
Good to hear you are so committed.

Thanks Emgreen and UpDownandAround

I had the worst time falling asleep last night. I was physically exhausted from crying all day, and I even took extra clonazapam, which I have my pdoc's ok to do once in a while. But I couldn't shut my racing brain off. Finally did fall asleep but had bizarre dreams all night.

I'm still feeling very weepy today. Hope it won't last all day.

The good news is my Antabuse is already ready at the pharmacy, so I can go pick it up today.

splitimage

I am titrating back up on wellbutrin and someone reminded me of one reason I stopped taking it some time ago - it amplifies hangovers. It's not antabuse, but a deterrent nonetheless. Many years ago, I got the nasty GI bug giardia and it was treated with flagyl. I found out the hard way that flagyl is chemically very similar to antabuse. The doctor did say something about alcohol, but I ignored it because "they always say that". That was no fun. I would run into the bathroom needing to sit on the toilet but also lean over it. Needless to say, I abstained from that point until several days after the last dose.

Still hanging tough...

It always seems impossible until it's done.
- Nelson Mandela

#iamsoberapp

oh UpDownAround, I'm sorry about your Flagyl experience. My addictions Dr. prescribes it to people who can't take Antabuse.

I picked up my prescription, and took a pill as soon as I got home. I'm going to take it every morning with my psych meds from now on.

It feels both sad and good to have taken drinking off the table as an option, while I build up some more sober coping skills, and lifestyle.

splitimage

I'm going to see if IOP is covered by insurance, keeping me from smoking pot would be worth it on its own as it is the biggest catalyst I have for using more drugs.

Good for you Americano. Hope your insurance covers it.
splitimage

splitimage - Thanks. it was a long time ago, so it is a funny story now. Not so much then. I hear you about mixed feelings. I have low back pain- the kind they can actually point to on an MRI (stenosis, a couple of herniated discs and general degeneration) and when I overdo it and/or move the wrong way, I get levitation grade pain. But I was honest with my doc, so pain pills are off the table. It would be reasonable to get them for that, but as soon as I get my hands on them I know I would become unreasonable.

Americano - Good luck. Your gateway statement is why I wish they would legalize weed everywhere. As long as the guy who sells weed is treated like he was selling hard drugs, in a lot of cases he will go ahead and sell those also. That's the way it was back in the 70s and 80s when I did everything except shoot up. My parents were scientists, one specializing in toxicology and the other in infectious diseases and there was no way I would let anyone touch my veins outside a medical setting; I knew too much. Anyway, the dealers I knew back then rarely discriminated in what they would or would not sell. (steps off soapbox...) And I hope insurance does treat you right; I don't have time to get on that soapbox.

and I am still sober with two test coming up almost back to back. My wife will leave around noon and not be back until Sunday night. Then she leaves again Tuesday for 5 days. Kids are pretty much young adults and they would not be quiet about it if I ever smell of alcohol. A really annoying thing about this time is my wife has no faith in it; she seems to think I have already snuck drinks but I have not. I had a really short episode of hypomania so I was up late a couple of nights and was animated in conversations. She gave me one of her half second good night kisses so she knows I didn't smell of it. When I got pissed about her saying she suspected it, she shrugged and said it's just a matter of time. I feel like she is setting me up by getting me in this frame of mind before an opportunity to sneak drinking. Not gonna happen; I am staying the course. It would be a lot easier if she had my back (or even better - my front, speaking of things that are not gonna happen).

So earlier this evening, I had to go pick up groceries to make dinner for me and the kids, my prescription (upping the wellbutrin) and fill up the car. Alone. Alcohol available all three places and my wife is out of town. I didn't even have the slightest urge. I am so pissed about my wife's assumption that I have no willpower that I have it in spades.

Good for you, UpDownAround,

Use your determination to prove your wife wrong to your advantage.

splitimage

Sorry your wife doesn't have much faith in you UpDownAround, but it's not all that uncommon for the partners of us alcoholics. I don't know about you, but before I finally quit for good (hopefully), I must have said "I'm sorry!" & "It won't happen again!" a hundred times! It takes time for those close to us to believe we've finally reached a point where we want to quit for good. If you're like me, my family heard all that before. While it hurts to feel that we're not getting proper support, sometimes words aren't enough...Those close to us need "living proof." I truely believe you have the resolve to quit, & am sorry your wife hurt your feelings by expressing her lack of confidence. All I'm saying is it's not all that uncommon. Don't let your resentment lead you down an unwise path. I think you've got this!

The person I worry about most is me after 6 months when I start thinking I have demonstrated the restraint necessary to start drinking again. Or in 3-4 years when the kids are all adults and out on their own. Or in ~5 years when I retire.

But as far as my wife goes, yeah, we have been here before a few times. One time she said she was leaving if it happened again but she didn't; she hasn't put me through enough misery yet, I guess.

That is exactly where I am right now. I have been dealing with extreme pain for a year now. I had chronic pain before, and then was in a car accident. After a year, I finally have a date for surgery, to treat severe stenosis. I shouldn't haved it at my age,so it's possible it is a result of the accident.

I had also been honest with my doc about addiction, and didn't have anything stronger that NSAIDs until a month ago. I started having major gastro issues, and got taken off everything except Tylenol, while my pain was hitting at 10 every day. My doc decided it was worth it to give me tramadol. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to function, at all.

Surgery is set for Oct. 5th. I'm still worried about pain and relapsing, but I have to do something. Even the tramadol only knocks the pain down to a 5 or 6, from a 9 or 10, but at least I can get out of the house with that.

Childofchaos,
Sorry to hear that. My low back isn't in constant pain or I would have to make some kind of exception. Just when I move wrong and a nerve is pinched or vertebra grinds in a bad way (is there a good way?). I have had the imaging guided steroid shots a couple of times. They use a long needle and some kind of imaging (ultrasound?) to give 4 shots of cortisone and numbing medicine at the corners of whichever vertebra appears to be the pain center. That helps for a while.

I've had my fair share of the shots, too. They worked in the beginning, but the last several haven't done much of anything. The past that is scary right now is how I will feel after surgery, and if tramadol will be enough for a bit. I don't want to take anything stronger, pills were my thing. I know have a prescription of something stronger could be too much for my brain to handle this early in sobriety. I'm just over 3 mos clean right now...

I know that feeling. Knee and shoulder arthroscopic and they had to do the shoulder twice. I got a bunch of opioids with each surgery and really developed a taste for them. I would also claim that OTC cough syrup was doing nothing for the hacking cough I get from drip during allergy season. Tussenex is like a good brandy going down and then you get that warmth. Giving me a scrip for an opioid would be a really bad idea and it has been 7 months since I last had any. I have a little under 3 months clean/sober from adderall and alcohol. Tough call; do you have a safety person who could dole it out?