Daily addiction check in #1

I'm not sure... I know my mom is a major trigger for me, and I live with her... the past two weekends were spent travelling with her in a car. So closed spaces and sharing a hotel room.

Also tho, it's getting close to the anniversary of my granny's death and her bday so that could be contributing as well.

I am very sorry for the loss of your granny.



It sounds like she meant so much to you.

I drank last night, and have had some this morning too. I made the choice to drink. I didn't ask for help. I had the opportunity to ask for help and I didn't. It was starting to feel like it was gonna happen eventually, and I couldn't handle the anxiety of fighting it anymore. Part of me wonders if I am even capable of staying sober...

You are capable! Be gentle with yourself and keep plugging away!

Didn't try to to stay clean today, to much stuff going on to fight the need/ want.
Another big FAIL to add to the other's. (Sigh)

Sober 20 months and 28 days

Congratulations greentires4me!!

24 days!!!!!!

keep up the good work, you can do it!!!

So the trip to the airport sucked... what should have taken 30 minutes ended up taking 1.5 hours... by the time we got in and thru security, they were already boarding. We bought 3 seats for the two of us, and didn't end up able to sit together. I couldn't take it and had a drink on the plane to calm down... checking into the hotel also sacked, because as always, I am not included in the planning of anything and when you sister booked the hotel, they agreed my mom didn't need an accessible room, but I'm the one sharing the room with her. So at the desk I brought it up, and my sister throws a fit because the hotel was trying to accommodate but there wasn't an accessible room with two beds, and is just "why didn't we just check in with what we reserved?" Keep me in the loop if you don't want me asking questions, then. Had another drink by the hot tub today, and then this evening has also sacked. Sis in law snapped because I started to answer a question that they asked my mom, even tho she had never told me it bothered her. And just now, mom got upset because I am getting frustrated. It feels like nobody gives a crap if I have a good time here, only the three of them. And anytime I even attempt to speak up for myself, mom pulls the "drop it" crap... perhaps I don't drop it because you never effing listen in the first place? So now I am downstairs chain smoking... I actually walked out of the room without my phone or shoes, just my cogs and my key... I am so tired of all this ****... and this is why I don't tell them I'm having a hard time, ever, because they don't care. I don't think they have ever cared and I don't think they ever will. I really don't even see the point right now.

Really hard to stay sober. It's been about 3 months since my major relapse on

I vaped some last weekend because I couldn't take being sober anymore and it gave me a panic attack so I took some seroquel to calm down. I called my dealer for the first time in 2 years before I vaped it.

Right now my antipsychotic injection is working with the night time antipsychotic so I have no psychosis so it's easier but still hard.

I'll be drinking this week but not too much.

I feel like I will relapse on I'm not as tempted to get stimulants though because I'm on Vyvanse now and feel awake already.

I want to try an SSRI so I'll have less anxiety and my mood will be lifted and also I wont be tempted to try psychedelics because they don't work on SSRI's neither does ecstasy.

This is just something that's been on my mind and haunts me because I try to ignore it but it's there. It's always there.

I am loving my 6 months sober! It's not easy sometimes but I know my body thanks me!

I'm feeling really well now no drugs. I haven't had a natural high in like 3 weeks.

I've been sober and relapsed countless times, and each time it gets more stressful.. The dreams return, the cravings worse then the last.. I jus wanna run so far away...

Sober 22months and 23days...July 12 will be my 2 years

Really craving some heroin or pain pills

Congratulations greentires4me! ☺

Day 1. Last night sucked. Got really suicidal and went to the liquor store, instead of doing something. Tried more skills in one night than I have in the past 6 mos. Nothing worked.

Went to a morning meeting before my IOP. One of the ladies did the typical, old timey AS thing "do you have a sponsor?" "Well, now you do." Turns out, she may be really good for me. She gave me a list of things to do, nothing too strange, and she also works in the medical field so the mental illness aspect isn't gonna be a major issue. She helps with a meeting on Saturdays that is open to discussion of meds in sobriety. Definitely gonna hit that one.

I can't do this right now... I'm tired of being a burden on my friends. I feel like I'm always asking for so much from them, and they're getting annoyed with me.

I've had some to drink today... actually a little buzzed right now. I know I should message someone url, but it's hard. I am so tired of asking for help. I should be able to act like an adult and take care of myself.

I feel so weak right now. I'm depressed, and don't even see the point at this point.

Childofchaos831, do you/would you go to meetings?

(((((Childofchaos831)))))

I do go to meetings. It's so hard to open up in the meeting itself because of anxiety and people. Doesn't matter really if it's a big meeting or a small one.

I talk to people in recovery outside of meetings, but often I can't pick up the phone, again because of anxiety. I have a weird phobia of talking on the phone, most likely related to having ear/hearing problems. I prefer to text, but it is hard to really get the tone or severity across sometimes in text messages.

I feel like I make excuses all the time, but for me they are real reasons why I can't do certain things.

I got rid of what I had left, and am about to go to bed. Planning on a meeting first thing in the morning, before IOP. Gonna try to leave a message for the group T in the morning, before she actually gets there, so I don't have to talk to her over the phone.

I'm scared to go to IOP... I hate feeling vulnerable. I also self harmed, and had to get medical attention for that, and I'm terrified the group T is gonna suggest inpatient.

Going into the hospital doesn't help in the long term for me. Feeling locked up only makes things worse, and then I get released back to the same situation I'm already in, just with different meds. I feel like I am just a hopeless case at this point...

Feelings are not facts, I know, but it's so hard to convince myself that things will get better, when everything is collapsing all around me...

It sounds like having someone nonjudgmental to speak to would be really helpful for you. Yes?

What sort of luck have you had with a sponsor? I guess you would still have to call them...

I have such a hard time trusting people... it seems every person I finally let myself trust, ruins it.

I have a new sponsor, been 2 days. I meet one on one with her the first time Saturday. I need to get on the stuff she want me to do before then, but motivation is hard to come by right now.

What does she want you to do?