Daily addiction check in #1

One thing I have to make sure I keep in mind is that those extended periods of responsible drinking included some isolated incidents that were not responsible. Sometimes I did end up driving after I had enough to be over the limit. There were a few rough patches where I turned to alcohol because of problems in my marriage or mood swings and I would drink alone with the intent of getting drunk. I seem to have a governor on my drinking; I almost never got sick from drinking or got falling down drunk. But I would drink to the point of slurring words, slight staggering and I have had plenty of hangovers where it seemed like I might feel better if I got sick. So I only had the illusion of control. I tried to be responsible with my drinking but I had numerous failures. I got away with them as far as legal trouble goes. I had some trouble at home from it, but I always attributed that to the issues that I chose to avoid by drinking rather than the drinking itself.

Those freakin' things I refer to as the "yets." There are a lot of people around the tables of AA who figured they didn't have that much of a problem because things hadn't happened "yet." The "yets" eventually came for these people, though...Especially when it came to DUIs. Between fees, urine drops, state-mandated classes, mandatory AA, loss of license, lawyers, potential jail/community service, etc. Some people drop $10,000 on a single DUI. Then there are the divorces, job problems, suicide attempts while drunk (in my case), etc. You know what's up...I'm not lecturing you, because you know these things (& I hate to preach! ). It's the freakin' "yets" that'll get ya. Not everyone develops a problem as early as I did. Many people don't latch on to sobriety until the "yets" come knocking at their door. "Yet!" I don't know how many more I have in reserve!

I promised my best friend that I would quit. What I meant was I would quit meth. Because honestly, meth is scary ****. But at the same time the thought of not having more scares me. And the whole time we had some over the weekend my girlfriend kept pointing out it wasn't even fun because I was intent on rationing it. It was our last stuff, after all. At this point I am so uncomfortable that I don't know if I'm quitting or not. I am so confused. Yesterday I spent the whole day crying, today ï slept 20 hours and almost missed my first day at work (ï woke up with 10 min to spare).

I feel like **** though because my friend found out about my habits over the weekend and had his first hit of meth because he was going through a rough time. Just went to my room and hit my pipe. What if I have now got someone else into the ****ing meth trap O.o

I am thinking of going to a meeting tonight but I am embarrassed because I don't know if I am just being a whiny ***** or if I have actually developed a problem. Oy.

Yeah, the "yets" will get you. I never did get a DUI, don't know how I managed that, since I drove drunk almost every day, which I now seriously regret. I knew I had a serious drinking problem, but didn't deal with it - thought it was ok to have a serious drinking problem, as long as you could hold a job. That was what I learned in my family. Didn't lose a job to drinking, until I one day I showed up drunk, and that was too much for my long suffering company to put up with. That started my first serious attempt at getting sober.

It's stupid how the cravings will hit you. I was having a perfectly nice morning, until 9:30 when dial a bottle opens for business. And all of a sudden I wanted to get drunk, because I'd had a lousy Thanksgiving, and I was bored, and I wanted to numb out. Debated with myself, and made myself miserable for a good two hours, until I just said, enough already - go take another antabuse. That way you definitely won't drink. that ended the discussion. And I wound up having a nice productive day.

Desoxyn,

Didn't mean to skip you. Congratulations on getting a month clean. That's huge. Hope you did something nice to celebrate. Keep up the good work,one day at a time.

splitimage

I just finished a session with my woman's counsellor there is always a can of worms opened with her I am not sure how I am going to feel later once it sinks in I am usually going into a space of wanting to use I have no clue why

I encourage you to go. Just listen if that's all you are comfortable with. But go. You are conflicted and I think it will do you good to hear people who were in your shoes and decided to quit.

You were going to quit Friday because you were out & didn't have any money, but somehow managed to smoke through the weekend...& as a result a friend wound up smoking, then you nearly missed the shift on your new job. I'm not preaching, but given the terrible misery you seem to be going through & being unable to quit on a timetable, you're certainly not being whiny! It sounds to me like you really want to quit...or at least have good reason to.

I've mentioned it before, but living in Canada I'd bet that rehab might be a possibility since it doesn't cost a gazillion $$$ like it does here in the States! Is that something you'd consider? If not, why don't you at least try that meeting tonight? Sending good vibes your way...

Sorry you fear feeling "wormy" after your session with your counsellor. I know that feeling, unfortunately. We might wind up feeling like a drink would help take the discomfort away, greentires, but somewhere in these addictive heads of ours we know better. Keep writing here tonight if you think it would help! We'll be checking in.

I always somehow manage. I am friends with the people I get it from and friends with a lot of people who use and hook me up. Thank you for the good vibes. I am probably going to start by going to the meeting tonight and I will let you know how it goes lol

What's wrong with this picture? It's a real difficult thing to deal with, but you're going to have to find some new playmates. As long as you continue using, it just substantiates their feelings that "it's not that bad." They're just getting their hooks into you to make themselves feel better. That's a very tough fact to deal with; I hope you can handle severing ties becuase that's your primary hope. I lost many "friends" when I quit drinking & using, so I know how that works. Meth knows your name...& your weaknesses. Be careful.

Were they friends before either of you started using or are they people that use who became your friends after you started using?

I hope you made the meeting.

I need a force field so I can electrocute all the morons in my life I stopped playing my music because I couldn't listen to it anymore then moron above me turns on his speakers really loud to Xbox 360 on his tv I gather and it's right below the wall before the alcove of where the bed is...now there is people running and screaming down the hallway feel like it's hell here at night it's like if I wanted to listen to morons who live in my building I would of listened to all my great drinking plans when I was drunk I bet ya anything they would've been the reason to why I remember why I quit...

Pardon me for asking, greentires, but do you live in a dormatory, or something. It sounds like the madness I experienced in the dorms when I was in college. There was very little respect for other peoples' space. I'm glad you didn't have to drink over it. When I was in college, I would probably have been one of the drunks running up & down the hall ruining your quiet evening! I'm glad you made it through & were able to get some sleep.

Today is officially a month sober. Going to rehab today. Looking forward to seeing my addictions Dr.

splitimage

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE MONTH! That's huge! Keep us posted on how things are going in rehab if you're able. Enjoy your reunion with your doctor.

Awesome, splits! A month in the books.

It's more like the ghetto it's the new name I have given it. It used to just be called AH and people were proud to live here but when they moved in a whole tonne of homeless two years ago it went to complete sh.t since then they have wrecked what we call community, stolen our clothes outta the machines, broken into our apartments to steal stuff, walked right in without signing in guests, allowed their guests to beat up staff, list goes on and on! When ya listening to domestic violence down the way from you it's like the sound travels through the building!

The new company that came in to take over the building has put in bubble for the staff to be safe but none of the tenants! Unfortunately but they say they are helping which i have no clue how in actual reality! They have cameras on all the floors and in the elevator as well as the bike room and laundry room and gathering place and all downstairs in the basement including the parkade. They also have one in the office!

Most of all them do drugs or alcohol! Which is a real trigger if your sober

Admittedly they became my friends after I started using. I met them through my girlfriend. I live with her now (she uses occasionally as well but she seems to have a better grip on it. I get jonesin like crazy and it doesn't seem to effect her). I don't know what To do because these are her good friends and I know she would never break ties. And ï can't leave her. No desire to.

The biggest thing about rehab is that it would no doubt involve coming clean to my family :/ I would lose them.1

Admittedly they became my friends after I started using.

I made it to the front door of the meeting and then decided to go to my women's group instead because I was too scared. I did own up to my using there though.

I hope you got some helpful feedback at the group. Maybe opening up will help you be brave enough to go through the door to the next meeting.

Do you have old friends who don't care for drugs but still stand by you?

I'm sorry, greentires. With all the people drinking & using where you live (not to mention all the other garbage going on), it's got to be very frustrating for you. Hopefully the situation will improve, or you can find somewhere less like the "Wild West" to live.

JessLynn, if you're not will to seek help or change anything, nothing will change. You have a computer; Google meth to find out how what they use to manufacture that stuff...or see what the teeth of longtime meth users look like...research the impact regular use has on the human brain. I can't believe your family would disown you for seeking help. Unless you do seek help, your use will become readily apparent in time.