Daily addiction check in #1

It's not that I think they would disown me for seeking help, but for admitting to using in the first place. It was my own stupidity that got me into this, filling emptiness with stupidity. I do know the effects it has but this voice in my head says "but you still have a little time left to play before that happens".

Thanks, I might go soon...

I have 3 friends in mind who might stand by me... I have two more childhood friends I could probably call and make plans to catch up with.

Those friends are golden. I burned too many bridges before I got free of the grip of using various drugs almost daily. My teenage years were a blur. By the time I came up for air, I only had one real friend left. My circle of "friends" while I was using was pretty volatile; they came and went.

Eventually everyone using either breaks free or gets consumed by it. There are not a lot of long term happy users. I am speaking of drugs like meth or in my day MDA and "T" (PCP).

Reach out to your old friends. Remind yourself what's real and lasting.

Another day sober (a good thing). I've not been to an AA meeting in weeks now becuase I've been fighting a bout of agoraphobia. I made an appointment to go out to lunch with a good friend from AA, but when I take these prolonged absences from meetings (they happen a few times a year), I always worry that people will think I went back out. The problem today is the agoraphobia...I'm pretty sure my friend won't think anything is wrong. I've been in contact with him by text (I don't answer the phone when I get like this), but haven't seen him in over a month. I'm afraid I'll have a panic attack or get paranoid.

It's official...

That's two & a quarter years, actually! Congratulations, greentires!

I slept from 11:30pm-3:45am
then started calling around to all the different crisis lines for someone to talk to because I know staff downstairs couldn't or wouldn't talk to me! Most of them said "your in no immediate danger of hurting yourself so we have to end this call..." I was like "I understand...I am not important I get it just because I have a need to talk to someone you have to cut me off gee thanks!.." and they hung up on me...it's a couple mins to 8am I have an appointment at 11 hopefully it goes through it's to see my psych nurse hopefully it will go well!

I'm sorry you had to go through that, but fortunately you have an appointment today. Also, you didn't have to drink over it, so you earned your milestone.

Congrats on the sobriety milestone, greentires4me!

Sorry you couldn't find some one to talk to. We used to have a benefit where there was always someone to talk to. The idea is if you are anxious or depressed you could become suicidal even if you weren't yet, so mental distress doesn't have to be a crisis. Now they will "live chat" during business hours...

I'm scared.

Meth helps me forget everything. Life.. Happiness blanket covers me. In the end, I have no experience to grow naturally.

Psychedelics like LSD and shrooms make me face my fear. Only to make me slip deeper into the unknown.

I feel... What do I feel? I don't know anymore. I never did.

Time pases by and I end up scarred by the lack of experience to deal with things.

The lure to go back to the drugs is high.. Because when I do the drug.. I never really feel high. I feel numb.

In the end, the anxiety is too much, making me numb anyways but with added anxiety.

The benzo. I would rather call it "The anxiety paradox" because everything takes away from you, you have to give it back.

That sounds like a really bad space to be in. This will sound stupid & overly-simplistic, but maybe getting clean will give you clarity. Alcohol was my drug of choice, & there was a time when I could relate entirely to whet you're expressing here. While I still have serious bouts of anxiety, I think I know what I feel & I can deal with day-to-day things better than when I was drinking. Alcohol is a legal drug, so there are problems associated with that (it's everywhere), but I've heard that the lure of meth is unlike that of most any other drug. I hope you can kick it. Thanks for sharing your perspectives. Keep writing.

I part ways with you here. I abused alcohol BIG TIME, but have never abused prescription drugs for some reason. I use benzos like a tool to beat paralyzing anxiety (as prescribed - PRN). Once I break through an episode, however, I don't generally have to give the anxiety back; it just helps me break through to the other side of anxiety. I know nothing, however, about the relationship between street drugs & anxiety...I just had experience with alcohol - the legal drug.

Psychedelics never made me face my fears; they made everything rosy. A handful of boomers or some white microdot gave me euphoria. But my problems were still there when I came down. The closest thing to meth we had back in the dark ages (70s) was MDA (methylenedioxyamphetamine) which was something of a psychedelic itself but did not have the highly addictive effect of meth. I think you could get addicted but it didn't make you want more every day. Anyway, all these things made me miss out on a lot of life. You're right about lacking experience dealing with things, but sooner or later you have to deal with them, whether you are high or not.

Numb is not feeling things. Your post is full of feelings IMO. Without the drugs, I was better equipped to deal with the ups and downs of everyday life. Feeling them more completely is a rich experience that can be more heady than the drugs. Kick them to the curb and give it a try.

No worries I've been sober a little over a month. I wrote that for just struggles of coming to terms with sobriety as I'm getting better only that it's tempting still ^^

I need to check in here also need to get me a sponser. I tend to go through phases on and off of substance use.

Desoxyn,

I could really relate to your posts. I only ever used alcohol, but in really large quantities, and it was to numb out. The first year I got sober, I had two emotions, burst into tears despair, and fly off the handle rage. I alternated between the two. It wasn't pleasant. I've been working on this sobriety thing for a very long time, and I still have trouble with emotions, and want to use alcohol to numb out. It's hard, but for me, it's definitely better for me being sober and learning to deal with emotions than being plastered,and numb, and not accomplishing anything for days.

Hang in there.

splitimage

Checking in here has been very useful to me. Having people, even ones you don't know IRL, to tell about milestones or discuss urges or other issues with is a big deal. With no interaction, I would sometimes fall into the "what's the point ?" trap. So, are you on or off? If off, how many days?

Welcome, Americano. You mention needing a "sponsor"; are you attending AA meetings? Just asking because that's a term generally associated with AA. I attend AA meetings & find having a sponsor IRL to be very helpful. As UpDownAround wrote, this space is a good place to share with others having problems with addictions. I went to my first AA meeting about 30 years ago, had periods of sobriety, & have fallen off the wagon a few times, too. I can relate to your "on & off" story. Keep posting. I think you'll find a lot of support.

5 days ~

Way to go JessLynn! I know it must be tough given the situation with your friends, which should make you feel even better about your clean time! Keep on truckin'! Keep us posted!

Just had a ****** talk with my gf. My friend thinks I should move back home, my gf blew up and said she doesn't want to talk like addicts, takes all the "fun" out of it. Ugh. I don't like drama. **** sakes.

Thank you em!

No! Thank YOU, JessLynn. It does my heart good to see people succeeding despite difficult circumstances. You're doing me a favor by giving ME hope! Have a good weekend!

Woo hoo! Good job! Stay the course. Check in often.